I’m in my mid-twenties and very early on I decided that I’m not gonna try alcohol. Let’s just call it a personal choice. Where I live, drinking is considered to be the cool-guy or even bad-boy stuff, so whenever I say that I don’t drink I’m labelled as the nice-guy, kid, parent-pleaser etc. etc.
I feel very bad when they disrespect my choice and force me to “have a sip”, like I’m wrong in having a choice. But I feel worse when my friends do not invite me to their “fun” plans. Many a time they have said it straight to my face, something like, “…Yah, we should hit that club next week. So I’ll arrange 6 passes. Oh! you don’t drink right? Why the fuck are you such a mood killer?…”.
(I can see a “change your friend circle” comment from miles away, but I’ll say that this mentality is with every single circle that I have. As a matter of fact it seems to be the pop culture here to look down upon teetotallers, there’s a whole lineup of memes that will definitely support this. So, no, I’m not gonna abandon ship yet, I’m at least gonna try to change something.)
There was only one time when my closest friends invited me to a club. The others just went there to drink, literally just drink. Food was bad, so that’s fine, but the music was good, and no one got up to dance while I looked like the mad-man pulling his drunk but embarrassed-to-dance friends to the dance floor. That’s when I realized their definition of “fun” is simply “drinking” and not “letting-it-loose”.
So, apart from that one time, I’ve always been left out of the “fun” plans from almost every circle and it hurts me. I have talked to the guys several times, but they seem to be ignorant to the fact that the definition of “Fun” doesn’t mention alcohol consumption in any dictionary (not even Urban Dictionary).
Now I had two ideas, but don’t know how to go ahead them or which one to do,
Option 1 (I like less): I follow suit, externally. I order drinks that look like any other alcoholic drinks, maybe like a cocktail, and give them the impression that I’m one of them.
Option 2 (I like more): I discuss with them on this over and again and make them realize that teetotallers can have fun too.
I need help from you guys on what to do and what not to do and most importantly how to do it. Like how to approach them to discuss this, or how to make myself appear a pro-alcoholic?
TL;DR: I am a teetotaller. Every member of every friend circle I have looks down upon me and thinks I’ll be a mood killer in their fun parties, so they never invite me. It hurts me cuz I am capable of letting loose without consuming alcohol, but they seem to be ignorant. I have talked to them, but in vain.
It’s the pop-culture here so changing circles won’t help. Need help on how to proceed and discuss this with my peers. Should I even discuss it, or should I become a people pleaser and order some non-alcoholic drinks that make me look like one of them?
30 comments
These people are not your friends.
Wtf is a teetotaller đź’€
They probably are just jealous
I just tell them its my right as designated driver to point and laugh at their drunk shenanigans.
I dont drink either. I occasionally do but its super rare and its under extreme specific special circumstances, and even then, its those alcoholic drinks that taste like fruit soda with a hint of alcohol. I dont smoke either….i dont really do anything thats cool these days lmao, thats why i dont have any friends, just me and my girl. I totally understand you
In my 17 to 25 years I was exactly like these friends of yours. I totally ignored males as friends who didn’t “work hard, play hard.” I felt like alcohol loosened me up and made me more fun and helped me get more women (quality women? that’s another question). Males in this age group have a brain-based lack of self control and love of aggression and I was one of them. In college I would tease the quiet kids but in my 20’s I just ignored them. Find friends (preferably older than you) who do activities you like. Become comfortable with yourself and spending time exploring your own ambitions and interests further. Try being direct with the people who are giving you a hard time and see if that helps you both enjoy each other’s company. I can tell you there could be a lot more wrong with these people than you yourself. I rage drank a lot and needed a lot of therapy to stop needing every Saturday night to be a wild story of aggressive conquest. Consider challenging these friends of yours to an athletic pursuit the night after drinking and kick their butts at it. Show them there is more to life than Saturday nights. Maybe they’ll appreciate it. I know I would have liked a wake up call.
I wouldn’t say change friends. I would say make more friends. Sometimes we do different things with different people. You might hang with your friends when they’re having the type of fun they’re happy to include you in and have other friends who enjoy things that you find fun. Two sober people at the club can have a hell of a good time!
Sounds like your friends are the fun killers. Going out and having a sober friend is literally the best, its them not you.
I order club soda and lime. When they say something my response is “someone has to remember where you left the rest of your clothes and who you slept with.” That generally shuts them right up!
Tell us, do you you use pompous terms like “teetotaller” to refer to you not drinking amongst your friends? That could be a reason they think you’re a buzzkill.
Next time someone offers you alcohol, stick a gasoline soaked rag in it and make a Molotov. Then they WILL see you as the bad boy
Weird. You’d think a bunch of alcoholics would want you around. To drive them home
Tell them they’re a stick-in-the-mud, and they don’t know how to have fun. Rip into them the way they rip into you. Tell them they better dance if you go out.
I’m a non-drinker, and don’t like going to clubs, but I like going to parties and I have a good time and don’t sweat it.
It sounds like you’ve made not drinking into a personality trait. Stop doing that.
Hi, awkward sobetard here.
I quit drinking after over a decade of alcohol addiction. A little different, but same issue.
I have found inviting 1 or 2 people out on a special non drinking oriented event/ outing really fun. And I try to engage everyone I can and be inclusive. I took various friends to a play, a goblin themed market, a city scootering tour, a museum, a hike, an art class, a concert, even a beer garden with a live band. It’s actually more fun than going to a shitty club. I even developed such a great friendship with one person that we took a 10 day trip to Japan. Show them how much fun they can have without drinking
I’m a teetotaler too, and I feel you. That sucks. While I haven’t experienced it myself, I want to try to help. Let’s think through it some more.
Have you tried ordering mocktails to drink while you’re with them? Or is that what you mean with option 1? It may be less about the alcohol and more about the ritual of drinking together. You know how sharing a meal is a bonding experience? Sharing drinks is like that, too. For more clarity, you can ask them what makes your not drinking a mood killer.
Regarding option 2: show, don’t tell – give them a clear example that y’all can have fun together without you drinking. That’ll be far more persuasive than any discussion you have. Throw a party, do your best to make it a fun night for everyone, provide alcohol for your friends.
Finally, do they know that it hurts you to be left out? If not, tell them. It sucks, and they deserve to know they’re straining their relationships with you. Good friends will try to sympathize and work together to find a solution that pleases everybody.
If they don’t want to work with you, consider that y’all are just incompatible in this way. For a fun time, look for people like you who don’t vibe with the pop culture. They’re out there, they’re just harder to find.
Option 2 will probably make them think you’re even less fun. You’ve tried this already, and either these people are asses, or you’re saying it the wrong way.
Option 1 – Better: Drinking something with them is a perfectly fine way to share the experience without making a point. Just order a juice and soda, or ask the bartender to come up with a fun mocktail. (It’s called a zero-proof cocktail some places, and some of these drinks are really tasty and creative.) Don’t lie, just fondle your tasty drink.
I think they see you as judging them for getting drunk, and they don’t want you around to hold up the ugly drunk mirror. Or else it’s become a challenge.
Keep it light and short, don’t explain. You just don’t want any, nuff said.
If you don’t want to drink, don’t. Tell them it’s your choice and that you’d appreciate that they respect that like you respect their choice to get drunk when they do. If they can’t understand that and won’t respect you making choices to be healthier, that’s their problem. I know you don’t want to hear the whole “change your circle” suggestion because you think it’s the same in every circle, but I promise you it’s not. I am 31, have never had alcohol because of a choice I made years back after seeing it affect my family, and I have a partner and friends that respect that. My manager and past coworkers have asked about why and I just leave it as “personal choice” and stand confident that I know what I want and what I don’t want and that I do not rely on their opinions.
being the designated driver is usually what most non-drinkers get to go for đź’Ş
Option 3: Discuss with them the advantages of having a permanent, willing designated driver…
These sound like people who aren’t even old enough to drink… peaking in highschool.. I love having a sober friend around to make sure nothing stupid happens, and that there’s a sober ride home.
They have to be drunk to have fun, what losers.
You complain that they don’t understand your point of view, but do you understand their point of view? Can you explain it to us? This is the key to a successful #2.
I didn’t see an age on this post but please stick with the wise thoughts of not drinking. It’s not cool to drink sometimes could be fun for some but for people like me it makes me so sick. Sick to think that these drinks have ruined so many people, marriages, and made some of my family suffer from alcoholism.
You’re really smart not to fall into peer pressure. Later on in life you’ll see how this occasional drinking habit will eventually catch up to them.
Look, I’m a recovering alcoholic and I don’t have this problem. It’s your friends.
Show up with an eight ball to the next get together, and be generous.
As an older guy who’s been on both sides of that line… and as someone who is a drinker, my advice to you is to be confident in your choice not to drink. We have a friend who is a non drinker, despite the rest of the group being pretty lush. He orders a coke everytime and even though he doesn’t drink we always love him coming out and chilling and maybe getting some laughs out of us. Never feel pressured to drink. My advice to you is to be confidently a non-drinker. Never turn down a night out; go have fun but don’t bend your wants for someone else. If it makes you more comfortable get a non-alcoholic version of an adult beverage so you can close the gap a little. Just be you man. There’s days I wish I didn’t drink at all and days I’m happy I do. All I know, as you get older, it gets less important. Having a good time is paramount.
Option #3- Real friends respect your choices and enjoy your company. Find real friends who like the things you do OR expand your interests with things that don’t include dead-end bars. You’ve outgrown these losers.
>I can see a “change your friend circle” comment from miles away, but I’ll say that this mentality is with every single circle that I have.
I’m sorry to say, but preempting the obvious solutions like some sort of Yugioh trap card doesn’t automatically invalidate them. You have an issue here where you have friends who are looking down on you for not drinking alcohol, and you’re doing a pick-me dance for their approval regardless. Nobody here is going to agree with your path and give you some magical incantation that’s going to force people who don’t respect you to suddenly respect you because they see you ordering something that looks like a cocktail but isn’t. Your best bet is to meet new people entirely. Find some meetups or places where alcohol isn’t the primary driver of engagement and meet people that way, instead of going to bars/clubs and expecting to find people who don’t drink.
it’s not that not drinking is un-cool, but the type of people who decide to be teetotalers are very often uncool without alcohol ever coming into the conversation
Ive never heard the word “teetotaler” before reading this post, and you used the label like 6 times when referring to yourself. Is it possible you take pride in not drinking? Do your friend think you look down on them for drinking? Do they feel you may be judging them?