I (28F) found out the man (38M)I broke up with for working too much did so bc he wanted a stay-at-home wife.

I recently broke up with someone because they weren’t giving me the time or emotional security I needed. I had been thinking about it for a while and I had broken up with him 2 times before so I wanted to be sure this time.

I always thought he just worked to escape reality because I know so many ppl who do that. I also thought it was just a “let me build a legacy” thing. He owns his own business and it’s pretty risky but very profitable if things go right. However, if he neglects his business for too long, things go wrong and there’s big money to pay.

I couldn’t deal with it. His schedule was too hectic and I thought he just didn’t want to be with me that much. He said he wanted to “just see where it goes” and not think too deeply but I can’t do that. I’ve been in too many noncommittal situationships and i was scared this would be one of them. The lack of time wasn’t the issue alone. It’s the not being secure in what we are AND having to put trust in him at the same time. You can’t have both !

I recently found out from his friend after breaking up that my person was very much into having a stay at home wife and that’s why they worked so much – to have that lifestyle. It does make me feel bad because the whole time I thought he just was using work as an excuse to avoid me. I do have a lot insecurities. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough for ppl. I know I’m beautiful and smart and creative, but I always feel like ppl don’t want me or want to avoid me.

Even still, I expressed the working too much issue and nothing ever improved. Even if I were to be a stay at home mom, am I just going to be at home depressed and lonely and addicted to Zoloft to get through the emotional pain? I can’t see myself not doing anything. I want my own math tutoring business so idk if being a stay at home mom is something I can do 100%.

Now it makes sense why he asked me if I would ever stop working if I won the lottery. He also asked if I could see myself as a housewife before. But I feel like he has also expressed disdain for “trophy wives” and said he likes “strong women” like his mom who is a doctor. (Edit: he also used to say he’s not into the traditional and modern women debates online, constantly and out of nowhere.) He was also very supportive of my dream to switch from teaching to data science.

So I never got vibes from him on wanting the “traditional” set up. Yet his friend is saying that my guy is wayyyyy into traditional marriages and is saying my guy actually COACHED him into the traditional marriage set up- whatever that means?

Still I’ve made the decision and I have to live with it. I just feel bad that I made a rash decision without knowing the root reason for his constant absence. The fact that i was so off base with his marriage and family values shows how far apart we were emotionally.

Idk if we should have a talk about it or let things be. This is the third time I’ve broken up with him so I’m leaning more towards letting things be (or else my words will mean nothing). I feel like I’m justified in breaking up especially when none of this reasoning was communicated to me directly.