We (f20f21) met during university admissions and we’ve been with each other ever since. (Classes started a month ago). She’s a social butterfly and has managed to make two close guy friends (these two guys are best friends), and has good connections with mostly everyone in our class. I’m a reclusive wallflower and can’t hold conversations for the life of me so I’ve managed to make zero friends other than her. She’s made it a thing for the four of us to sit together in a square every day, like we’re still in grade school. And she always demands that I sit with them, she’ll literally have a fight anyone who tries to sit in my seat. She also wants me to be with her between and after classes (before I go home on the bus) ALL THE TIME. Like I’m her pet. However, when we’re not alone (us two being alone is rare, it’s always the four of us together) she doesn’t talk to me at all, like I’m not even there. The three of them talk among themselves and block me out. (I’m not close at all with the guys btw). I try to talk but it’s like I’m invisible. I get that I’m a poor conversationalist but still. I don’t like the fact that I’m not getting validated at all most of the time and I don’t want to be around them anymore. But the other day after she had an argument with a classmate who tried to sit in my seat, I told her she doesn’t need to keep a seat for me and she literally got emotional and started crying. I really don’t want bad blood between us because that’ll mean I’ll have bad blood with everyone in my class and I don’t want to make any enemies in my first year of uni. I get the feeling that she’s jealous of me for my looks and wants to know my whereabouts 24/7. Also when I try to talk to other people one on one she butts in and repeats EXACTLY WHAT I SAY. She also outshines me in all group conversations so it’s hard to get a word in. What exactly do I do here.
Tldr: manipulative asshole won’t let me make any friends but at the same time ignores me.
18 comments
Explain that time apart is healthy you don’t need to be together ALL THE TIME.. It’s good to experience life as individuals..
The way you wrote this makes me think you’re the one jealous of her, not the other way around. Your title says you don’t want to be with her 24/7, but your post complains about how you want to break out of her shadow.
Maybe she’s just a good person who can tell that you’re lonely and socially incompetent, so she’s trying hard to make sure you’re not alone or excluded. I feel like the seat thing is a way for her to say “you’re one of us, there’s a place for you here”, which is literally nothing but kind. You calling it childish just shows how much you hate her.
But calling her a manipulative bitch is beyond unhinged. She’s a much better friend to you than you are to her. It’s not her fault that you wish to be like her so bad that her existing is an insult to you. And it’s not her responsibility to include you into every conversation. You’re not the victim.
You just don’t like her
Tell her you don’t find the friendship rewarding or if you would rather be discrete just start asserting your autonomy, don’t sit there say nah I’m good I’m sitting over there. Don’t be available for her between classes. Do not go into extensive defensive elaborations or justifications regardless of whether you take the explicit “we’re not really friend girl” Line or “sorry my life has gotten to bust for you” line.
I feel you. Everything you said. She sounds like the type of vampire sucking all the energy out of you. Kind of insufferable. Why Are you even friends with her? I mean, how your friendship started? I’ve had some “friends” in school, but literally, I just don’t talk to them anymore after the school ended. How many years you’d have to suffer her?
Just be honest and direct and then stick to what you say.
It takes two to tango.
I can’t really see she’s done much wrong here, you just seem a bit spiteful. Even if she’s not your type of person and you want to move on (which is totally fine) you trying to paint yourself as some sort of victim here seems quite a reach.
You are her *PET*. Don’t fall into this. If you’re not confident then gain some confidence. Do this by talking to people. If that doesn’t work then talk to some more. Don’t be the piece of cow turd that sticks to the ass of a bumble bee. Find your own existence. Bear in mind knowing your nature that it might not be as interesting as what the bumble bee gets you but that’s your prerogative so i can’t comment on that.
Taking a kind view here – is she thinking that you have few friends and is looking out for for you and ensuring that you are included with her friends?
Maybe the thing to do is let her down lightly- say to her is that you are very grateful for her keeping an eye out for you but you would like to branch out on your own from time to time.
I’m impressed by most of the comments saying OP is the jealous or manipulative one. I couldn’t disagree more.
There is a lot of people pretending doing nice things for others, for their own good, especially in public. But somehow they do it regardless of what the other person really want or need.
Some social people, like your « friend », need a constant approval from others. They are built that way. To get it, they need to pay a price so they act particularly friendly with everyone -> group effect. But they also need to be in contact with individuals who can bring energy, ideas, intelligence so they can benefit from it in order to seem even more appealing to the group. I think this is where you stand.
So, definitely, she is not your friend but she needs you and you provide her with anything she lacks deep inside. I would even say she is the one jealous of you so she keeps you very close. (« Keep your friend ms close, keep your enemies closer »)
She however seems insecure and needs stability by constantly being with you or the four of you. Insecure people can be mean in private, she cannot confront you in front of other persons. That would destroy her image. If that happens, it would be an exploitable mistake. She can spread rumours though.
The risk for you : you are being isolated. I read your comment and the fact she makes a remark about a « new friend » is a manipulative way to prevent you to do so. Then you will loose all of your energy. People full of emptiness tend to suck the substance that make confident people bright.
If you confront her, she will destroy your reputation. You are taken hostage, in an emotional way at the least. So you need a more indirect and clever escape way.
I suggest that you enroll into a club : sport, littérature, music, whatever you like. I don’t know if you have this at uni but that will makes free time for you and you start growing your own social circle with people outside your class. It is even better if she doesn’t like the activity, you are sure to be alone.
When you sit with her or whatever, don’t feed her with clever words you know she can repeat to be approved. Try to be more hesitant, like you don’t know, sometimes saying negative things she would never dare to use. Act odd, the unsocial way. You can also suggest to talk about subjects which are really annoying for her. Basically, lower your own value, just with her. She will loose interest.
These persons are real nightmares as most the people can’t read their game and think they are generous…
For a good talk with her, I suggest you try first to understand her, ask her why she cried, why it seems so important for her that you be with her at those specific moments of the day…
Be curious and listen carefully, then tell her about how you feel. A simple strategy in conflict situations is to not use accusatory sentences and focus on how it makes you feel. Like “when you do… It makes me feels this way”.
As always prepare what you want to say in advance and choose the place and time to have the talk wisely.
I’m an introvert myself and being an introvert doesn’t mean antisocial, you need to find yourself true friends asap and by that I mean people you enjoy and with whom you can be yourself. I advise you to go out of your confort zone and put your energy mainly in this.
You don’t necessarily need to even talk about it yet, just start doing your own thing. When she contacts you just tell her you’re doing something. After a bit she should realize she should do something with her own time too.
If she continues to be the way you describe, talk to her with some of the advice given by other commenters. Either way, the talk will happen.
Okay so I was her in the past. And it took someone being real with me about how I came off for me to understand that sometimes I went too far with certain people. Maybe try to communicate how you feel, if she continues drop her.
Or just drop her now. Tell her you aren’t interested in a friendship
Don’t talk shit about her to people and please don’t be mean to her unless she’s being mean to you. Try to communicate.
Book your day in advance and tell your friend in a happy voice, I’m so excited in not doing anything that day. No people, no talking, no nothing… All time by myself. That will give you the opportunity to explain that your wind down time is equally important to you.
I did this with my friends and now i can choose to spend time all by myself and everyone understands it
You have two choices. Embrace the situation and that it could be good for you socially, or if you really feel the situation you have been served can’t be maintained then just distance yourself and seek out social interactions that are more comfortable to you. Ultimately it’s you choice. Sticking with it will help you grow socially and uncomfortably which could be good or bad or you can just let go of that anxiety and find more like-minded people.
She sounds like a narcissist and you are one of her new supplies.
Advice from someone that dealt with this very early on in life (8-10 years old for reference), rip the bandaid off now regardless of consequences, you’re in college so social groups are extremely diverse, most people in that class should be adult enough (or should be at 19-21) to see her catty behavior, quietly but gracefully make it obvious if she tries to ignore this by sitting in another seat, don’t ask someone else but if you see an open seat sit there instead (don’t ask, just do), tell her you have stuff to do afterward and need to leave right after class if she tries to pull you into post-class stuff (follow through no matter what and don’t let her crocodile tear her way you into guilt, she’s a predator type). You may just earn respect from others in the class for not putting up with her shenanigans too.
Does your uni have student support services? I’m thinking it’d be good to track what is happening and attempt to make a contact at student support in case she is disruptive. Just say at support have they had any cases where a fellow student stopped being a friend and started being suffocating – they no doubt have.