My husband and I are both in our late 20s. He’s been playfully nagging me for a baby for years so I know he is going to be a wonderful dad and supportive husband. He’s taking 5 weeks off work when baby arrives. We are fortunate to have our finances well in order so that will not be a stress. We’ve frozen weeks worth of meals. (Family lives too far away to help so we will largely be on our own).
However I am not naive to how long-term sleep deprivation and stress can affect an otherwise happy relationship. I particularly am very affected when I don’t get my full 9 hours of sleep so I am very worried about how much our relationship is going to change/suffer. Any advice on what we can do in these last few days/weeks or after baby is here to keep the love alive? I know there are couples who DIDN’T experience that ‘dip’ in marital satisfaction – so what did you do differently than so many people to maintain the happiness?
5 comments
Interesting, My wife is also a 9 hour sleep person. We didn’t have a dip in romantic feelings after childbitrhs. I don’t know what to attribute it to. None of our children breast fed successfully. They got the experience, but ended up using formula for nutrition. That made trading off the baby duties easier.
One of our children was colicky. I remember it not being fun, but we also solved it within a week or three. Turns out she was lactose intolerant like her dad and had to eat soy formula (which stinks).
My wife never had post partum depression. I see that a lot here. And couples who don’t seek treatment for 4 years and counting. I think it is something to be vigilant about. In fact the idea that you are thinking about the relationship more than you are color coordinating the nursery is a very good sign.
I think the biggest mistake I see is men and / or women who become so focused on the baby – toddler – child . . . . that they forget to keep the marriage relationship fueled. you have to keep doing the things that got you to the baby.
Also, and this is going to seem very weird to some people, breastfeeding your husband releases bonding hormones. Or maybe my wife was just full and I like Boobs.
Just be patient. The first 3 months are some of the most trying times for any relationship but it gets a lot easier after. You both with be tired and you both will be stressed, but instead of taking that out on your spouse, it’s best to lean on each other.
I wouldn’t go into it putting so much pressure on retaining marital happiness. My husband and I considered the first two months with a newborn as life in survival mode. You’re learning how to care for a tiny human who needs round-the-clock care. Lean on each other, communicate your needs, voice your appreciation for each other, and remember above all that this isn’t how things will always be. This newborn phase is unlike anything else but it’s not forever. Your relationship will change after baby is born and you might feel disconnected because your attention is so often with baby, but it won’t always be that way. Communication is so important in this regard and so is accepting that some of the romance might disappear for a little while and finding little moments to connect with each other.
Soak it all in! Sleep when the baby sleeps—seriously, laundry can wait! Be patient and empathetic with each other! And congratulations!
Talk to each other about how you want to handle things at the hospital and for the first few months. Do you want your husband to advocate for certain things if you’re not in the mood or too exhausted, to or things go wrong? How are you going to survive the first 3 months of having your life upended (is it ok for him to bring family/friends over in the first week, will you have a code word for when one of you is at breaking point and need a time out)?
Make sure you both read about the symptoms of PPD (for women and men) and the realities of how much labor is involved in raising a child. Does your husband realize that he may come home to a messy house even if you’ve been alone with the baby all day, if you’ve been feeding the baby every hour, trying to catch up on sleep, washing baby clothes, etc.? This would be normal, rather than you being lazy. Do you understand how hard it will be for him to be at work when the 5 weeks is over and also deal with interrupted sleep? Sometimes, one of the biggest issues is understanding and acknowledging how much labor/challenge the other is dealing with, so that resentment is not building and you both feel supported. Good communication, and a commitment not to blame each other when you feel tired or things go wrong, is key.
Play as a team, as if you are trying to survive an apocalypse. That means feeling safe to ask for help and giving help when asked – playing to each of your strengths and weaknesses and not obsessing about who is doing more or less. Don’t try to be perfect or to take on all of the diktats on child rearing issued by those outside the marriage. Sometimes, others’ opinions will be interesting but irrelevant. Your mama and papa instincts should be trusted and you should each manage any interference from your side of the family that may be stressing your spouse.
Take joy in the small things. Appreciate the romance of having created a human together, who may be a beautiful combination of you both. Your baby may well become one of the great loves of your life, but remember you are both each other’s as well, and try to do little things for each other that show you still care.
Remember that your children will one day leave you both, snd you will both be left staring at each other over the breakfast table when they are long gone. Make sure your husband feels included, even though he may not be able to nurse (some men love nappy changing as bonding time)! Make time to do things together (even if a snatched hour of watching a silly movie together after the children are in bed, or sharing homemade cocktails on the porch). Make time for intimacy. Don’t vie to be the favorite parent. Don’t be let your children pit you against each other – you’re an unbreakable team.
Remember that it’s ok to look after yourself first sometimes, and to be content with a changed body/life. A happier mom makes for a happier child. In the first few months, sleep when the baby sleeps, even if you don’t think you’re tired.
Compliment each other often. Remember that tiredness and hormones will make each of you do and say things you may not have otherwise done. Edit your responses and forgive accordingly.
How exciting! What a wonderful time for you and your husband to the begin a family. It will bond your relationship like nothing else can. You have made a lot of preparations to prevent financial or emotional emergencies that can put a strain on a relationship. The communication of sharing how you feel and setting goals together will help you in any future roadblocks that come your way. Now relax and enjoy the ride. It will be such an amazing experience that is hard to explain. Both of you will change, but that change will be good. We find after becoming parents we become a lot less selfish making us better people. I’m so excited for you both! I just had my 11th grandchild on Sunday. Nothing better.