I’m 27 and never dated, it really upsets me. I feel like one thing I could do is interact with more women. But I literally don’t know how to meet them, or how to talk to them. I’ve always felt extremely confused and lost on how to interact with women, especially women I don’t know. I’ve tried dating apps but they’ve been very unhelpful, and not even the type of way I want to meet someone anyway. If I go to a bar or just outside anywhere, I notice that women don’t look at me/notice me or give me any sort of signal to talk to them. They’re always busy with someone else or doing something else, and just kind of walk right past me, so it never feels natural or comfortable to make conversation.
Also, I always hear about how women hate being approached and bothered, so I have this fear that if I try talking to a woman I’m going to get extremely humiliated in front of everyone or some other crazy thing happening. I worry about my voice shaking or doing something weird by accident and being called a creep, a loser, or a stalker in front of everyone when it wasn’t my intention. It’s crazy intimidating and I don’t know how other guys get past it. I think I’m okay looks-wise but I’m not like a really buff tall guy, I’ve never been the type of guy to catch a woman’s attention first, even when I tried really hard to dress nice and look nice. I just don’t understand how it works. Help please…
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My friend I wish I could give you one or two pieces of advice that could help you get over that fear but this seems like the kind of thing you really need to build up and get comfortable with using rigorous therapy
I would highly recommend speaking to a shrink that could help you at first overcome the many fears you have in this regard.
I know it’s not easy and it surely is scary in itself, but the sooner you start, the sooner you can look back on yourself and say “wow, look at how far I’ve come”
If therapy couldn’t help you in 5 years, we’re not going to be much help here on Reddit.
Do you think therapy CAN help you? Did you believe it could when you were in it? Where you bringing up these specific issues?
Bro, you’re just going to have to figure out a way to talk to a lot of women. Some of us need a shit ton of exposure before a pretty woman doesn’t make us just completely melt
I was once where you were. I used this process I am sharing here and I eventually had more dates than I could handle. Literally.
There is a simple four step process to get you to where you want to be.
STEP ONE: Tell yourself you are asking NOBODY out for 6 months. Totally celibate. No hookups, no nothing. Get off the apps or OLD if you are on them, just cut that shit out. It literally hurts your progress in the human space.
STEP TWO: Every time you leave your house and go out into the world, you have put yourself together. Shower. Shave. Clean clothes. Hair combed. A little deodorant, a little cologne. This is for YOU not for any women you run into. Be presentable.
STEP THREE: For the next 6 months, you will make it a point to exchange simple pleasantries with at least two women a day. Two. More if you can handle it but at least two. And it does not matter who they are, because you are asking NOBODY OUT for 6 months. Talk about the weather with a barista at the coffee shop. Ask the checkout person at the store about the weather. Talk about the news of the day with someone you are standing in line with. You are NOT asking anyone out, so there is no pressure. LISTEN to their responses and tailor your response to what they said. Do NOT use any pickup lines or anything like that. You are NOT asking anyone out. BE in the moment. WATCH how they react to what you say. Do NOT drag out the conversations, they should be a couple, three minutes long at the most, but over a minute if you can manage it. When you are walking away from them, always thank them, say something like “Nice talking with you! See you around” or something like that. Once you get comfortable with a couple of conversations a day, try to make it to three. Or four. Eventually, you want to establish a pattern of observation. Girls who end up talking with you are going to look at you in a certain way before they talk with you. Make a mental note of what they do. Girls who blow you off will also give off signs too! Make note of them as well. If you do this EVERY DAY, you will get good at recognizing the signs. And it will all be OK because there is NO PRESSURE, you are not asking anyone out for 6 months!
STEP FOUR: Armed with all of this knowledge–you have been studying for six months, afterall–you will then have the exact same kinds of conversations before, and at the end of them, if you feel she is being friendly, you alter your exit just a bit: “Nice talking with you! Would you like to get a cup of coffee and talk more sometime?”
Once she figures out you are not a creep, she is likely to say yes. And you will find a lot more women saying yes than you ever knew was possible.
IMPORTANT POINT 1: You are going to get turned down. A lot. But that is OK because they are basically telling you that they are not the kind of person you want in your life anyway. You are approaching them from a good, honest place and if they do not appreciate that you do NOT want to get to know them any further. So do NOT take it as an L. Take it as a learning experience!
IMPORTANT POINT 2: Do NOT fumble after she says yes. Have a place and time in mind and tell her that you would love to speak with her at the local starbucks at x time in x days. Give her YOUR number, do not ask for hers. If she was just being nice to you and plans on ghosting you, you aren’t going to get a real number from her anyway. People think business cards are bullshit but I had them printed up so I could hand them out. Just my name and business name on one side, with the number. You can get them for like 5 bucks online. Make up a business name, it does not matter. Just have something you can hand her. If you want to just tell her your number that works too.
IMPORTANT POINT 3: Never ever suggest a fancy or expensive first date. Coffee or Ice Cream, something quick and cheap. Asking someone out to a fancy dinner for a first date is a total rookie move and you don’t want to look like an amatuer.
IMPORTANT POINT 4: Even after she says yes, she might ghost you. You need to think of that as a WIN because she showed you who she was before you ever got emotionally invested in her. Thank her in your heart and move on.
IMPORTANT POINT 5: Once someone says yes, take the W and apply what you have learned as you continue to ask women out. Don’t stop at one! The chances of you meeting your MRS on the first hit is astronomically small. Keep the hopper full at one end so you can continue to get dates.
Good luck! You got this!
Here’s a Deborah Tannen book for starters:
http://62.182.86.140/main/511000/a807b185ed06d8e59bf63411e26efc13/Deborah%20Tannen%20-%20That%27s%20Not%20What%20I%20Meant%21_%20How%20Conversational%20Style%20Makes%20or%20Breaks%20Your%20Relations%20with%20Others-Virago%20Press%20Ltd%20%281992%29.pdf
Do you have friends? Are your friends all the same gender? Do any of them have friends who are women whom you could be friends with? You need to expand your circle of friends so that you can talk to all different kinds of people.
People say treat women the same as men, but it’s not that simple for me. It’s extremely difficult to talk to women especially if they are attractive. The only way to get better is practice but even that is rough. Like you said, you can’t just cold approach strangers.
Same, women are not human like me & you. Careful treading in the future. Kind regards /fellow man
P.S I am also ok looks-wise some might say a 9/10 because you can always improve!
Force yourself.
Go get a job as a nurse / bartender / sales / tour guide / server / or at least a side hustle in these fields.
Pick a hobby with a lot of woman involved
I was in the same boat as OP.
I avoided talking to women for around 3-4 years because i felt guilty about my former crush getting creeped out by my feelings before. I also got visibly uncomfortable with being shipped with another girl in the office because of it. Granted that the pandemic added some years in that hiatus, but the point still stands that i avoided interactions with women for a period of time.
Things took a drastic turn when i got switched to a different workplace. got assigned to managing a condominium, wherein i have no choice but to interact with the concierge/receptionists and the collection officers, most of whom have pleasing personalities. the first months are painfully awkward, especially because im not good in small talk.
(cont.)