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What is with the pandemic of guys saying they want a relationship, acting that way to then admit they never wanted that from the start and lead me on because putting causal in their profile won’t get them likes?
I’m so sick of this, I have had this happen AGAIN. I have was seeing a guy for 4 months, told me he wanted a relationship, took me on amazing dates which he paid for most of the time (I always offered my share), did nice things for me, asked me to be exclusive with him and we both deleted dating apps in front of each other, spoke about the future etc to have him basically do a 180 and admitting he lead me on.
When I asked him why did he say he wanted a relationship at the start his exact words were “if I put casual then I’d not get any likes” how is this okay? He’s wasted my time just for his own benefit. It’s disgusting behaviour and guys like this shouldn’t be on dating apps and shouldn’t approach women who are after something real just to trick them by telling lies. My trust level is at 0 at this point.
Hello DOT,
I (35M) am hoping to gain some perspective on the abundance of “duck face” photos, or kissing face photos, I see on OLD profiles.
I am strongly repulsed by these types of photos, and I assume the person is immature and attention seeking. We saw these photos from our peers all through high school, and it was cringe inducing even at that time. Am I alone in seeing it this way?
For context, I purposely don’t use Instagram or take selfies. I have removed myself from social media culture as best I can in our time. I know that I have a bias, and I wonder if I am being too judgemental. Also, I am a straight male so I’m looking exclusively at women’s profiles.
Some questions for the ladies: Are men displaying these duck face photos too? What do you think about those photos, and what assumptions do you make about the men who display them? If you use a duck face photo, what are you trying to communicate? What is the best possible interpretation of a duck face photo?
I am, once again, obsessed with a girl after 1 really good date.
I feel so love buzzed. Just hearing my phone vibrate when it’s her is exhilarating.
This is not healthy 😭. Help.
Planning on telling the person I’ve been seeing for the last 2.5 months that I haven’t been seeing or talking to anyone else for the last couple of months by choice. I want to tell him that I made up my mind early on that I wanted to get to know him and see where things go. I think my reasoning here is to make it clear that I’m not shopping around and not here to play with anyone’s feelings. Any thoughts?
I was on the verge of giving up entirely out of sheer exhaustion and the fact that I rarely feel any connection with people I meet online, but I’ve now been on 6 dates with someone who I legitimately enjoy spending time with. We’ve had great sex a couple of times now, and she casually told me yesterday she’d like me to meet her friends at some point. Spending far more time thinking about her than I’d care to admit (and I’m certainly not going to let her know that yet ..) but it’s as nerve-racking as it is exciting. If this doesn’t work out I don’t think I’ve got it in me to go back to the apps any time soon to be honest.
I made a post in the thread yesterday and I feel like such a fool. I reached out to someone via Facebook who also had a breakup at the beginning of this year, seems to have many things in common with me, and is on the fringe of my social circle (aka we don’t actually know each other, but have mutual connections and I’ve been aware of him most of my life).
Well, I didn’t realize that messages sent by non-friends on Facebook likely go to a separate folder that he’ll likely never check. My message is currently sitting as “sent” and not “delivered” as he probably hasn’t logged in, but I’m guessing he won’t even see it if/when he does log in. I don’t know if I should try to delete/retract the message or what. I would genuinely like to connect with this guy (either from a dating perspective or just a friend perspective) as I think there is a decent chance of us getting along quite well. I feel dumb and like I didn’t think this through and I don’t know what to do. I feel quite disappointed as it took me awhile to work up the courage for this and I feel like it was pointless.
Guess it didn’t take long to shift from “I am interested in this lady I have been dating” to “I have a new date already scheduled”. She ended us dating on Friday with a generic “I think we are looking for different things in a partner”. Wished her luck, licked my wounds for a bit this weekend, then updated the profile and went through the stack of likes I had gotten over the last couple weeks. Only a couple matches out of that, but texting with one has led to a coffee date on Saturday (mostly my scheduling issues: it’s a kid week and the week is packed as it is). Seems really cool, and it’s nice to connect with someone on both Buddhism and books over chat 🙂
Photo advice: [toothy grin or non-toothy grin as my first/main photo](https://i.imgur.com/rdCvlIs.jpg)?
I’m not going to be using this exact same photo as it was for LinkedIn but will create something similar outdoors when I get my tripod next week. Just not too sure if the toothy grin is too much?
How are people actually supposed to date if they never text? Like how can you build a relationship if you spend a few hours together a week and otherwise barely talk?
It’s only been a few dates and he admits and knows he’s bad at texting. But I’m just so baffled. He’ll take like a day to respond sometimes and other times replies right away for a few times and then that’s it. It’s actually annoying because I want to be excited but this just makes it so hard.
I’m going to ask next time like if he’s in a relationship does he still text so bad??
Guys, I’m… so hopeful about this woman I’ve been seeing?? I’ve had partners come over to my place or spend the night before, but because of a less than ideal roommate situation, it never happened very often and usually had to happen when my roommate was out of town. Which made me feel crappy and sort of less than a person. But as of a few weeks ago I live alone (!!) and I just spent such a great whole unhurried weekend with this new person 🙂
It’s only been a month, so it’s top priority for me to work on not losing my head and remembering that there’s still a lot I don’t know about whether we’re compatible long-term. But I like her, a lot! Our dates have all gone well, we have great long conversations and obviously want to spend time together, she doesn’t do things that trigger my anxiety, she’s explicit about being interested in me and I feel like I know where we stand even though she reaffirmed her desire to take things slow, and thanks to therapy, when flashes of anxiety did crop up this weekend, I was able to talk myself through them.
Really trying to balance caution and hope. I feel good, like really good, about it, but I don’t want to sink it by projecting too many idealized expectations onto it.
Still living on cloud 9 from this weekend.
Seeing someone I have so much platonic history with and revisiting everything that has happened since we last saw each other was so emotional. Overall amazing and happy but moments of pure sadness of the people in our crew that we’ve lost touch with over the years and where they are at now.
I feel so satisfied with my social life right now that I do not feel the immense urge to focus on dating or meeting people. I met some fun new gf’s this weekend. overall life has drastically improved moving to a new city and focusing on my own personal healing journey. i let dating distract me for a bit but that over the few weeks has slowly died off.
Met a woman out in the wild while playing trivia this past week. Learned that she is a recent divorcee, one year my senior (she guessed I was 10 years younger than I am). Smoothly got her number and met up for drinks on Saturday night. Date went quite well and got a rather nice text from her the next day.
There are two yellow flags, though: first, she is actually a two-time divorcee (one of those marriages was 14 years, IIRC); secondly, she has two kids (18 & 13).
I don’t see a future with her based on these factors (maybe I’m a terrible human). My hope is that she’s looking to make up for lost time from her marriages and we enjoy each other’s company for however long we do that.
Most of my experiences so far when I meet a connection.
Woman: I like to take it slow.
Me: Great me too.
(After two good dates that are good conversations)
Woman: I’m not feeling a romantic vibe more friend vibes
Me thinking: (yes, because I’m trying to get to know you rather than flirting and being romantic)
I think I’m about due for a break on the dating front. Have talked to a lot of new people but have not been on a date in a year. Getting sick of people disappearing after 1-2 interactions on dating apps and a lack of emotionally available folks in the real world. Think I just need to take a step back and continue doing the things I’ve been doing for myself with more intention. Everything else in my life is going fine, so I want to find ways to reduce the power my lack of dating success has over me and not spend so much energy looking for all of the things that are wrong with me when I know it’s not necessarily a me thing.
Just screaming into the void here.
Hey guys,
I had a date a week ago and it was my first one after 2 years. We met each other, had a funny night talking and drinking but whe really had some different perspectives on a lot of todays societys or political stuff (i wont get more into this). We told each other goodbye and today (2 days later) we chatted about how nice it was but we both see that we are kinda living in different universes.
Im kinda glad we figured that out before one of us catched feelings or stuff like that.
I think its good we sorted that out early and we both can move on.
Now observing this from a third eye i feel like my dating over 30 is so much different as it was in my 20s and im really happy with that. I´m not rushing anymore into something that definitly wont work out cause i think maybe we just need to spend more time together and that will fix it over time. I just like to take things slowly these days, even tho a lot of women i met dont like it that way or say “yeah lets take it slowly” just so i hear what they want me to hear even tho they dont rly wanna take it slowly. But i dont really have a problem with that to be honest. I love enjoing myself alone also, a partner just would be the cherry on top. I just wrote that to tell you guys out there – be happy on your own, never look for happiness in a partner – find it in yourself and you will some day may find the partner u deserve, even tho it may take some time. Also hope ya all are having a great day
Long comment incoming.
What’s this? It’s a beautiful day and I just noticed that I feel happy that I’m out of the situationship? I’ve been okay with it a couple of days here and there but today I feel…relieved? I’m thinking of all the things that came out of his mouth to make me feel about an inch tall. Some of the most glaring examples:
* Early on, describing to him that I have an odd oblong shaped living room that was challenging to decorate, he (someone who designs for a living/knows many designers) said “maybe for you.” Also that he wouldn’t judge my non-designer furniture, he’d only do that if someone “should know better.”
* Gave me a whole speech about how men can make six figures and date a store manager and nobody will blink an eye but if it was the reverse it would be an issue (he went on and on about this – in response to me making a benign comment about most women struggling with body image/eating issues at some point in their lives.) He seemed to interpret that as me saying women have it harder in general and I was just…stating a fact.
* After an awkward date where we were both being standoffish after being extremely affectionate on the date prior, I said I wasn’t sure how to act with him not knowing where his head was at on any given day. He responded by saying he didn’t know if he was being affectionate with me because he wanted to or because he just missed having somebody to do that with. We both wanted to end it after this date and both didn’t.
* First time we were intimate he (apropos of nothing) told me not to be self conscious about my body because he’s had women who were and if he’s there with me he obviously wants to be (who said I was self conscious about my body??)
* Said physical attraction was important but not the only important thing but also that he liked how much he could talk to me about deeper issues and joke with me in ways he couldn’t with others (this made me confused as to whether he was saying the physical attraction was the only thing there for him OR that it wasn’t there enough – even though he was very enthusiastic physically and had all the right physiological responses to me, his words always came back to make me question it). He would say things like this fairly often in front of me – talking himself in and out of choosing me. I also got a speech once about the “paradox of choice” in dating (after that bad date where we almost ended it) and I’m still not sure if it was in response to me updating my profile after that date (he then updated his later that week) or if it was just him continuing to vacillate about me right in front of me.
* I’d shared very modest details about some past trauma when certain subjects came up in conversations and it was unavoidable, careful not to trauma dump or divulge anything too intimate before knowing him better. He still later told me that he doesn’t want someone “who doesn’t have a good relationship with their family.”
* Told me on our second date that we walked past a woman he’d always had a thing for and felt like it was the universe telling him not to settle.
* When he found out I’ve been in therapy for 5 years, he was condescending about it – he’s also in therapy but views it as a temporary tool only.
* I have two cats. He’d make comments about how he doesn’t want cats, how his chosen pet was much cleaner and doesn’t smell. When I mentioned it was one of my cat’s “gotcha” days, he was assy about the idea of “rescuing” animals and said people act like heroes for doing so when all they did is go buy an animal. Again, I’d only mentioned I’d adopted one of my cats on that day and got this speech in return.
* Other subtle put downs where if I’d hesitated to do something or just hadn’t thought of it, he’d say “oh you didn’t think of that?” I.e. we arrived at a restaurant I’d never been to and I waited for him to get there before going in and getting a table. It didn’t cause a longer wait but he seemed irritated about it.
* I’ve been passively house-hunting and am not looking for something that will need a ton of renovations for my first time owning a home. He seemed to think this was some kind of character flaw – saying things like “I guess a lot of renovations to one person is something different to someone else.”
* Discussing horror movies, I talked about how the older movies are such a visual feast and so beautiful to look at. He brought up a more modern movie as an example, which surprised me because it’s an extremely dark movie and I was describing how vivid the others are. Another condescending comment about how “as a designer I might have a different appreciation for things like that.”
* When I mentioned I like fixing things myself and the sense of accomplishment I get from that he said “in an I-am-woman-hear-me-roar type of way?” I said no, in a normal human way.
* I like true crime. He asked why I “do that to myself” and that since he was married to a lawyer he just can’t get into that kind of stuff (he has a higher understanding of everything dontcha know). I expressed that it’s not about enjoying the misery related to the crime, it’s about looking the monster in the face, morbid curiosity etc. I have an interest in both the dark and light sides of life, and everything in between.
* On a date, a pedals and pints trolley went past us with a group of merrymaking people on it who all went “wooooo!” Everyone on the patio wooed back at them (including me) except him. I said I’d like to do something like that sometime and he said he hates the people who come into his local bar on those things (“those suburban woo girls”).
What in the hell were we doing together? Why the hell am I heartbroken over this man? This is the man I hope comes crawling back? And why did this have to be the first person I was involved with in years?
Obviously there was a lot of attraction and chemistry and a connection and many many sweet moments that kept it going for a while but I’ve never met anyone like this person or his unique ability to be so casually and often unintentionally cruel and also kind and tender. People have rightfully pointed out that I had this guy on a pedestal but it didn’t start off that way. The more he let me know I wasn’t good enough for him, the more I internalized it, the higher he got and the lower I sank.
What a mess. Here’s to even more therapy and to never ever feeling this way again.
Had the What Are We / What Are you Looking for conversation with the guy I’ve been seeing for about a month, and it was a bit of a mixed bag. Perhaps it was too early, but I couldn’t go on any longer. I’d purposely kept my interest low because I read disinterest in him (no texting between dates, no particular sign of deepening/reciprocating emotional vulnerability), but because the last 2-3 dates were good and he kept initiating, I decided to initiate one myself to let him know I’m here and willing to deepen. Lo and behold, he took forever to get back to me on availability, at this point I’d made alternate plans, and we slotted each other in for a very short period of time where this conversation took place.
The conversation was scattered and laborious so I won’t repeat it here, but we made tentative plans for a weekday that he’s cancelled because it’d again be sandwiched between two other commitments. While I agree with that choice, he’s not offered any alternatives, so I assume like me he’s taking some time to think through us. We talked explicitly about how if he wants to end things to just tell me, so I assume he will do that instead of ghosting – but I’m mentally crossing this off bc I suspect I know the answer. I don’t think we were emotionally compatible anyway, I spent a lot of this weekend’s conversation and previous dates feeling like he consistently missed my bids for emotional connection. I guess that’s it for my summer of dating? Hahaha.
I saw 2 men I liked a fair amount for 6-7+ dates and never seem to be able to get beyond 2nd base, and for others they want to move by date 2. Lol. I don’t even have the highest libido but it feels like a massive axe over my head, when am I ever going to get laid again with someone I’ve an emotional connection with.
Today I learned from the person that set me up with the girl that I recently broke up with, that she was in a 1 year relationship with her ex and that her ex took her ring shopping. So the only thing I can gather from that is that maybe they moved too fast in the relationship and she sensed something similar with ours. I did ask her weeks ago how she was feeling about the relationship and she said it felt like it was going fast but she felt good about it. But she never communicated about it afterward, or about her ex before we had the serious talk and breakup. The emotional whiplash hurts.
Anyways… That’s none of my business any more. On the bright side, I’ve made it to day 3 of cutting out caffeine from my life. My sleep is gradually getting better, possibly due to several factors. A friend of mine recommended I try Talkspace for therapy. I looked into it and my insurance covers it with $0 copay, so I’ll definitely give it a try. Just wish I had considered therapy years ago. A coworker of mine told me that I always looked so composed and had my shit together. But the reality is that I just feel like a 30 year old kid most of the time, instead of an independent adult.
I was thinking today about how ghosting has negatively affected my dating approach – I delay and delay texting people, despite knowing that it’s how people shoe interest, because so many times when I actually met people I connected with and went on a few dates with, the way they communicated that their interest had changed was ALWAYS slow fading/ghosting – never upfront unless anxiety eventually made me ask. So sometimes it feels like I can avoid ruminating about whether or not someone is ghosting me by simply not initiating/ not knowing… or something
It sucks. I’m already going back over everything in my head and being like ah yeah could’ve texted more and maybe that killed it… etc
We talk every day, we’ve got our next date set up, he offers to do stuff for me, we have a great time together. He talks about future plans (weekends away etc). I think if I told myself a few months ago that I’d be seeing someone like this I’d have been over the moon. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I’m so anxious. I think it might just be that we’re taking things at a steady pace and we’re in no rush. My brain is saying horrible things like he’s not really interested, he’s seeing other people, blah blah blah. Ridiculous stuff, like his read receipts turned off halfway through us messaging today – logically I know he carried on messaging me and he could have turned them off for any number of reasons. But my anxious brain is not having it. Ssshh please brain!
I went to a speed dating event on Friday and thought I made an incredible connection with a woman there. We were gazing into each other’s eyes and it just felt electric.
But then yesterday I found out didn’t get any matches at the event.
My 13 year dry spell continues.
Been seeing one woman consistently for about a month now. We’ve got two dates already planned this week (short dinner mid-week and long day/night together this weekend). In the past, this is about the time my relationships have fallen apart and I get the “not feeling the spark” message. I’m not feeling that vibe at all this time, and I’m really digging this woman and the feelings I get around her and just thinking about our time together.
As an aside, I really need to thank u/Zehnpae for an earlier post of theirs that included a Punnet Square. I don’t know why, but it is really helping me change my perspective on things and keep a more positive attitude about where this relationship may go!
Second date with the cute streamer tonight. I’m so nervous. I’m literally the worst at this (“this” being steering towards a relationship instead of a friendship). I’m also not half as witty as she is.
All I can do is assume that for some godforsaken reason she actually likes me, and do my best.
Also my temporary front tooth fell out an hour ago so now I’ve got an emergency dentist appointment. Not the end of the world, but it’s put my stress levels over the top.
“Vibes” the most frustrating term in dating.
I’ll (M 35) acknowledge that everyone is entitled to their opinion and feelings. I understand a dating partner owes you nothing.
Dating in your 30s is just frustrating. You meet someone, hit it off, have lots in common, similar relationship goals, go on 3-5 dates and then “I’m not getting a good vibe” and everything is over. Then you sit there puzzled about what even happened.
We are constantly told emotional intelligence and communication are key in finding a partner however over the last few years “vibes” has become an all encompassing term with no explanation needed to dismiss someone. Bad vibes, unique vibes, off vibes, creeper vibes, friend vibes are all reasons to stop seeing someone. People no longer need to understand their own feeling to express themselves, they can just say I have a vibe. It’s BS that our generation feels the most appropriate way to stop dating is to ghosts partners or dismisses them on vibes. There is no real closure anymore.
I understand if you meet someone who gives off serial killer vibes, it’s better to avoid that person for your own mental health, but are we saying about that other person? We don’t know their backstory or if they’re having an off day or maybe they’re pet died and they are lost in their own thoughts.
I’ll reiterate that everyone is entitled to their own feelings and comfort level when dating. If you sense that something is wrong when dating or in a relationship, then leave. I’m just saying that vibes has become the most common way for people to express themselves in dating. I’d like to think as adults in our 30s we would have learned to express ourselves better then adopting gen z terminology as a catch all.
Anyone else have this experience?
How do I find someone for whom my depression isn’t a deal breaker? I’m working on it in therapy and with meds, but it’s a lifelong condition starting in elementary school so I’m not expecting to ever be 100% cured.
I had the weirdest encounter with my crush today after not seeing him for several weeks. He came into the gym and said hello and talked to basically everyone else first (ok it was two of our mutual gym buddies but you know what I mean) before we ended up having a conversation. He didn’t really ask me how I am or what I have been up to. It just felt pretty underwhelming after not seeing each other for quite some time.
And then right after when I posted a gym story he was in my DMs again cheering me on. Like…WTF? I really don’t get his behavior.
A person on tinder asked me to get coffee next weekend. In the past, I would just say yes to anyone on the basis that texting is hard, my options aren’t unlimited, and maybe there will be chemistry in person. But each time, I found myself dreading the date because the text conversation hadn’t actually given me anything to look forward to other than “maybe we will click better in-person.” (None of those dates went anywhere in the end.)
I’m feeling the same on this text conversation – it’s just been a dry back and forth of “[fact about me], and how about you?”, and I’m trying to give openings in the conversation for him to stay on one topic and tell more about himself but he just bounces to another question/fact.
I’m completely aware that text banter is hard and I get just as tired of texting as anyone. So I’m definitely inclined to just say yes and it’s fine if it doesn’t work out. But is there any way of helping this to feel less like a chore where I’m already not feeling any excitement/promise even before the date and it’s very much “well, have to give it a shot”? I’m considering asking to do a phone call first but I’ve seen here that people don’t like phone/facetime “first dates” so I’m not sure.
I’ve been recovering from covid and watching a lot of rom coms. And I just… I could watch two people in a healthy relationship for hours.
Like, the 0.2 seconds we actually see in the movies (at the very end) just give me three hours of it:
The way healthy people in love kiss and touch
The way they look at each other
The way they manage their day-to-day
They way they resolve conflicts, respect boundaries
Seeing healthy relationships is so soothing to me.
Ladies, would you go on a first date with a guy if you knew he is, at the moment, primarily attracted to your personality and is hoping the physical attraction will grow over time?
Man what even is this…
* Matched and spoke with two obvious scammers I screwed around with for a couple days
* Danger swiped matched and chatted with a local single mother of 7 kids (No judgement but I can’t deal with having 2 myself)
* Matched with someone mostly looking for chat therapy (with not great English to boot)
I also totally goofed on Bumble where the teeniest tiny little accidental swipe liked a profile I was going to compliment (that I just friggin’ paid for), and accidentally blown a couple Tinder superlikes the same way…
My girlfriend warned me that she gets seasonal depression. When I asked her how to support her through it, she basically just told me to keep doing what I’m doing. For those who have had partners living with depression, what’s it like? And how did you support them?
Any suggestions of flirty things I can do on date two to show some more attraction than. Oh you’re cute
I asked coworker/friend/possible crush to go to the new coffee shop near our work and he agreed! Nothing flirty, just a nice platonic conversation, but it was nice even just to not get brushed off like I did the last time I tried something similar with a different potential interest. I don’t think there was anything romantic to read into there but it’s nice to get to know him better… we don’t have the kind of banter that usually gets me hooked on people, but he’s just a calm person who I don’t feel like I have to impress, which I think I need more of in my life.
Just a note that I’m feeling greatly disappointed and strangely upset. I have spent way too much energy and effort to pursue a girl who doesn’t reciprocate my energy and I’m finally over it. Taking some time to emotionally grieve today before moving on.
I keep showing up the best that I can, but making excuses for others when I clearly see they don’t treat me the same — and I think it just shows how low self-esteem and self-respect I have. I need to work on this.
I try really hard to ignore online dating advice but as a massive TikTok fan it creeps into my FYP so much and it just terrified me and makes me so cynical.
So much shot about people ‘expiring’ by a certain age, theories on men and them only choosing partners on ‘timing’, women just absolutely ripping to shreds guys profiles…
I know dating culture is toxic these days but fuck me me everytime I see something it makes me question everything in my own relationships, even though they’re absolutely fine! Horrific how much this stuff spreads
What does being healed mean to you? Specifically when entering into a relationship?
This seems to be a hot topic and one that gets people’s defenses up. I have read that you should love yourself 100% no exceptions and anything less is a “burden” to your future relationship and you are acting as a toxic person using a partner to fill voids, sooth anxieties, heal wounds, pierce emotional armor etc. Almost to a point where if a partner shows any normal relationship emotion that isn’t pure love and harmony, it is “toxic” or abusive behavior. On the flip side I have witnessed a section of the population that argues no matter how strenuous or tumultuous the relationship gets – you weather every storm no questions asked. This quote in particular comes to mind: “if you cannot handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best” I think there are several interpretations to the quote, but I read it as unbridled “worst” with no intention to self-cope or to take responsibility for behavior.
Personally, I feel like it is much more of a grey area. I don’t believe anyone can ever be fully healed because life throws way too many unexpected emotionally, mentally and physically tolling events but I think we need to take responsibility for our healing. However, I also think no matter how much individual healing I do, relationships present challenges that no amount of self care practices can prepare me for – in fact, pure isolation may do the opposite and make it much harder to compromise and navigate with a whole ass other living breathing human being that has needs. Additionally, I personally want a supportive caring partner and I want to be the same to them. I love myself and part of loving myself is knowing/accepting that I have flaws and they will be a constant companion. I know how to cope and regulate, but some days are just hard and those hard days will always come at some point. I would hope my partner would be empathetic to those hard days and I 100% expect them to hold me to the same standards.
Maybe I am way off though and I’m just describing preferences and compatibility needs. What are your thoughts?
I have a first date on Wed, a small birthday dinner on Sat, two other dates pending and some new matches on app. I’ve never multidated so it’s a bit intimidating, but it’s funny how as I made the conscious decision to chill out and just ~see what’s out there~ suddenly I’m super popular…??
Looking forward to what organically develops when my attention is spread out a bit, especially since I have a tiny totally delulu hope I’ll get a happy birthday from a specific someone that know I need to move on from. If he cared even platonically he wouldn’t have ghosted me out of nowhere for more than a month and it’s sooooo stupid to even want him to pop up again… like, stop, brain, you’re ridiculous and exhausting. *Let go and move on girl*. 💀
Getting a bit disheartened and confused with dating. Recently (just over a week ago) I had a great first date, there was chemistry, physical attraction, laughter and continuous talking (no awkward silences). We kissed at the end of the date. During the date there was suggestions of activities we should do, most suggested by my date. Since then we text daily, a mixture of flirting and general conversation. My date says things that I would usually take as encouraging without me saying things first- things like can’t wait to wake up next to you, or I miss you etc, but from recent experiences I’m kinda wary they are just be saying it. I tried at the end of last week to set up a second date. I was asked when I was free, which I told them days and times, but nothing else was said. We continue texting as normal. This evening, I suggested meeting up this week and I’ve had no response (I can see they have read the message). I’m starting to think that they aren’t interested in pursuing things and I’m starting to think of distancing myself. I want to give the guy a chance but I’m fed up (and a bit scared) of getting hurt by guys bullshitting me.
Just want to vent. I’m 32M… I’m about 4 months out of an 8 year relationship with an alcoholic. The last year was especially rough. I had been emotionally detatching myself for a while, so after a couple of months I decided to check out Tinder and Bumble. I live in a small town so it’s hard to meet women, especially that I’m attracted to. I got a match on Tinder about a month ago. We went on two dates that I thought went really well and then she backed off and canceled on me twice, so I told her to let me know when she’s free and we haven’t spoken in two weeks. Since then the likes on both apps have dried up. Any matches either don’t respond or the convos go nowhere. I’m not a 9 or 10 but thought I was decent looking, at least a 7. I’ve dated attractive girls in the past. Although I don’t take great pics and don’t have a large selection being kinda fresh out of a LTR. I’m on the verge of just deleting the apps for a while. I feel like I’ll never meet someone in person while I live here, and most of my friends have moved off and have families. I feel stuck atm due to the housing market. I guess I came here to say dating in my 30s sucks more than I thought it would.
My boyfriend (36m) told me he loved me last night for the first time.
I (39f) cannot believe after everything in my life and the healing I’ve had to do that I’ve met someone who feels safe and amazing and sexy and like a true best friend.
I have never been loved by a healthy person (family dysfunction and abusive romantic relationships) so after 5 years of healing, self love and care I am beyond grateful.
It’s only been 2 months but we are moving in a real great way, and an honest and healthy pace. We are aligned on lifestyle and goals/kids etc.
At this age I think you know more who you are, and it’s been clear to us both this is something unexpected but life changing.
Oddly, I wrote a poem earlier this year about meeting someone and feeling this connection and I honestly feel that the universe was listening and literally delivered this gorgeous human man who couldn’t treat me any better.
We have also navigated a few comms glitches so far, so I know we aren’t all ‘roses and everything is perfect’. It’s real and I feel humbled by it.
I’m not quite there to say i love you back.
My past trauma leaves me a few steps behind, but I don’t doubt I will be and I can feel myself falling for him.
I cant believe I have to wait 39 years on this earth to feel someone truly see me and love me, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
I needed to go through the darkness to really appreciate this now.
My key words/takeaways for how it feels: Easy, safe, loving, silliness and laughter, kisses, deep connection, (radical & kind) honesty, and strong communication.
Stay strong & hopeful, it can happen in the blink of an eye
I was out of town this weekend and somehow got over 300 likes on Bumble. I have no intentions of being in a long distance relationship, but it was nice to be reminded that I’m not totally hideous.
Fellow anxious attachers – have you ever had that awful gut wrenching anxiety about someone (eg felt something was off, like the tone of their messaging changed, like they were pulling back…) and it turned out to just be anxiety and not intuition and everything went fine, the situation turned out well and you lived happily ever after?
My current situation is a bit complicated and the details are too specific and outing to post. But basically I’ve had 4 dates with someone and up until the 4th I was feeling quite calm and secure, but a little unsure. But on the 4th I fell off the cliff and suddenly the unsure turned to sure but now I am SO anxious. And I don’t know if that’s because I have genuinely sensed a change in his communication or if it’s just my anxious attachment kicking in because I’ve now realised I really like him. The friends I’ve asked think the change in communication is very subtle if existent at all, but my dating trauma tells me that when I feel anxious it’s because it’s going wrong already.
Part of me wants to be honest and straight up ask him (because if it’s right I won’t ruin it, right?) but part of me thinks I should ride the anxiety out. (For context, we now won’t see each other for a month and I’m not sure I can handle sitting with my anxiety for that long)
For my 1st post in this forum, I posted something I still stand behind on one of the sticky threads the other day, but after a day of ruminating and posting something similar in another forum, I’m in a more positive state of mind. I got a lot of other stuff going well and on the upswing for me in my life due to both my conscious concentrated efforts and just being further along in professional career. If I ever do get chance to go on a hypothetical date and I get asked casually if I’ve had any prior relationships, will framing myself as a late bloomer be more positive framing than saying no experience? Is that question honestly brought up in real life on dates? 37 (M)