I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years 6 months ago. We were kind of in a sexless relationship that left me feeling unwanted and sexually unskilled. Since then I had sex with around 20 men. Some of them turned into situationships for months, some of them I met 3-4 times, some were just one night stands. This new phase in my life started to give me lots of energy, made me feel more happy and somehow gave me a feeling of finally being “back in my body”.
But then last week I might have overdid it a litte: I met 4 men all in all (some new encounters, some known ones). After I went on a date with a new person last night, a feeling came over me that maybe there is something wrong with me and I started to feel disgusted by myself. I am not sure where this is coming from. He made one weird comment about meeting women on tinder and we had rougher sex then I would usually have.
Some of the men I am encountering are surprised how “easy-going” I am compared to other women, meaning I don’t want to text a lot on apps before meeting up and that I have sex with them on the first date or that I am initiating things or that I “seem very sexual”. Also most of my girlfriends are either in relationships or single but hardly dating any men and some of them tell me “Wow I could never do that…” (meaning having so many rotating partners or sex “without love”). Also I grew up very religious which I thought was left in the past but maybe isn’t.
Now I am wondering: Is this feeling just something creeping up from the outside environment (religious education, comments from people) or am I really maybe having an issue and should stop dating for a while if I start having thoughts like that?
Generally I was mostly really enjoying this new-found pleasure in having so much sex with different people. But there are sometimes tiny moments where I also have this undefined feeling of “getting lost” in something.
I am wondering if any of you were already in a similar situation especially after a breakup? And what’s up with men being weird about women freely living (and enjoying) their sexuality especially since they are also taking part in it?
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After my last sexless relationship (5 months ago we broke up) for over a year and a half I had the same thoughts.
It’s something natural, you should not be ashamed, but you have to take good care
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It seems like you went so long without consistent sex that you lost sight of who you were sexually and what you like. It sounds like you have been trying to rediscover your sexual identity.
What you are experiencing now by feeling some guilt may be you feeling like you have re found yourself and are ready to start settling back down.
I have been the same, a 5 year basically sexless relationship ended and I went full on FWB, one night stand mode.
I feel like it was a combination of rebound, loneliness, a newfound sexual being within myself, wanting more experience, to be sexually desired, to sexually desire others and honestly a need for validation in my case and also a need for the missed intimacy as I also loved the cuddles, kisses and closeness.
I’ve had some good times I don’t regret, others I do regret. Its easy to find yourself saying am i just being a “slut”. This lost feeling you speak of, I am familiar with it, I haven’t quite worked that one out.
A year and a half later, I fell for a FWB. Two days ago I had to cut it off. I’m feeling that now, having had a taste of different sex with different people, I want someone to be interested in who I am as a person. I currently jump between wanting to seek something long term to, nah, it’s easier just having no strings. I think time will tell what it is I truly want.
Overall OP, be true to yourself, pay attention and accept how you’re feeling in these situations, explore yourself, and what you want/need. There’s no shame being sexually active with different people, just be safe – STI, crazy guys, boundaries and be aware of the comedown that can happen after sex, also the attachments you may build towards someone you sleep with due to the hormones released.
Take care OP.
This is just toxic masculinity and patriarchy.
I’m in a sexless relationship too. But I highly doubt I would get a lot of sex even if I was single again.
Women have it so easy damn
Well if you over did it with 4 in a week, then WTF did I do with 4 in the same day?! 🤣😭
And women can be just as weird about men who have had lots of partners, if not worse.
Don’t talk about it with your friends. I mean you can find that one friend that understands and speak to them but there is too much judgment out there. Other than that west protection, get test regularly and enjoy yourself
I have a friend also aged 30. She was married for a few years, but they were together for around 10 years total. She had fooled around with one guy before him, but her husband was the only man she had had sex with. She had a higher sex drive than him and was often left unsatisfied by him.
In recent years she deveoloped some issues with alcohol dependency due to her stressful job and early last year he eventually left her over it; it also appears he started seeing someone else either just before he left my friend, or just after.
My friend felt like she had (in her words) “missed out” sexually and “went a little wild”, and started sleeping with a bunch of guys, some she already knew, some she newly met in-person. In the space of a few months she had sexual experiences with around 15-20 guys (she wouldn’t tell me exact numbers), and had PiV sex with about half of them.
She doesn’t regret anything she did, and felt she needed it to “get it out of her system” and “let loose”. She has since settled down and is in a ‘situationship’ with one of her oldest male friends that she hooked up with during her wild months and she kept going back to. It is not a committed thing, more like FwB but with some feelings.
My point with all this is that I reckon it’s probally a very common experience and not something you need to feel bad about. If what you have done and may continue to do is not adversely affecting your life, or the lives of people around you, what’s the harm? Keep doing what makes you feel good. Try to get out of your own head about it and enjoy!
i did the same thing after an abusive relationship. i believe sometimes we need to get this out of our system and go wild, that or it’s our brains way of processing trauma. society says it’s ok for men to do this but not women. you’re doing nothing wrong but if you’re starting to feel overwhelmed or gross by it, please slow down. listen to your mind and body and always be safe!
Consider talking to someone. Sometimes we use sex, drugs, alcohol, food, etc as a way to escape what we’re feeling.
If you’re feeling worthless after a long sex less relationship (something I’ve felt before) then consider working on filling those holes. Do you need more self love? Do you need to work on any past trauma?
I’ve gone down this hold of meaningless sex. It makes you feel empty afterwards.
I think taboos and stigmas around female sexuality have a lot to do with that feeling you’re getting. As long as you’re being safe and enjoying those experiences, I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I myself (29F in an open relationship with a 30M) have phases where I feel like meeting a lot of people, and other times I just want to have time for myself and my main partner.
Just do what feels right for you and ignore any bad comments !
To your question about some men being weirded out by women being free in their sexuality…..its not all men.
I suspect that the men that do prefer partners that have had less partners are either:
1. Competitive or insecure that their potential partner is more sexually experienced
2. Concerned that their potential partner was not very selective in the past in terms of whom they are intimate with – – and may lack self-control or discernment
I’ve met amazing women who have had lots of partners and women who have had very few partners. Both camps of women, if we can even create this divide, are freaking wonderful people. The women who had more partners were much more confident and experienced in bed. The women who had less partners had this energy of pure optimism around them.
You’ll be fine OP. Keep loving yourself and be safe out there. This hole that you’re feeling though, can’t be filled with sex.
No pun intended.
Ask yourself the following
1. Is it consensual?
2. Are you enjoying it?
It reads to me that both are yes. You’re not hurting anyone.
What’s the difference between having sex with 1000 people over your life or 5 people that you have sex with thousands of times?
As long as you’re safe, nothing.
Have fun. And don’t listen to people who talk about Body Counts or numbers like their a bad thing. They just don’t think they can compete 😉
If you’re enjoying yourself, do what you want. If you’re feeling these creeping nagging feelings, it might be your religious upbringing, or you also don’t have to fuck a bunch of people, but there is also nothing wrong with doing that if you want. It’s up to YOU to decide what your moral framework looks like and what you’re comfortable with and that seems to be what you’re doing.
If you feel like you’re “getting lost” you can slow it down.
I was VERY slutty years ago and 4 new partners in a week would have been absolutely nothing for where I was, but I also felt out of control and as if I was only living to find new people. I think the key is getting balance. Find what fulfills you and look deep to find what your needs are. I’ve definitely done all the things I want to with causal sex partners now and I’m looking for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that this will be YOUR outcome.
That’s the lovely thing about life, we’re all different and we all have our own growth and exploration to do.
A lot of people really enjoy having lots of sex with different people, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. If it’s fun for you then don’t mind what other people say.
But as others have said, sometimes people don’t always do this for the right reasons. They might be trying to distract themsleves from something in their life, or perhaps trying to cope with sex related issues. These are things you have to dig deep for and ask yourself. Keep having fun and I hope all remains healthy for you!
Remember how women didn’t used to show their ankles or be slut shamed?
We are all animals. Look at the sexual behaviors of closest ancestors.
Society is the weird one. We live in a overly prudish western world. Only a few of us are willing to admit this and live according to our true wants and needs.
That being said, you haven’t yet healed from the breakup and are probably rebounding and avoiding your feelings.
As a male in his thirties, I find women in their thirties way hornier than women in their twenties.
It all sounds normal to me. Just be mindful of why you think you are doing what you are doing.
you are fine!! society places “value” and “worthiness” on women who don’t have many sexual partners but “value” and “worth” on men who do sleep around a lot.
You’re not a horrible person and you’re not gross. You are human.
I grew up religious thanks to my friends who made me feel guilty sometimes for focusing on homework than going to church on wednesday nights for youth group. i was told “sluts and whores go to hell” and that “self pleasure is for the sinners and hell bound”. I was in 9th grade and it was an Evangelical Church. I quit going right after 9th grade and officially left in 10th grade but my religious beliefs stuck with me until I was like 25ish.
But now I am completely against that shit and slut shaming and I am a huge supporter for sexual liberation and doing whatever you want as long as it’s consensual. I am also an advocate/ally for sex workers too. lol surprising right?
But you should be allowed to have sex with whomever and whenever no matter how many times without being shamed or feeling ashamed. You are perfectly fine and if you’re worried about mental health, I encourage you to see a therapist, especially one who is AASECT certified (https://www.aasect.org) (https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory) who are all about sexual freedom, liberation, empowerment along with sexual health and supports every sexuality! ❤️
I did the same thing but with fewer people after ending my first relationship then waited 7 years before having sex again. I eventually chilled out because I had been diagnosed with a std plus went through molluscum. I feel like I just didn’t know if I enjoyed sex or not so before getting into a relationship I wanted to explore.
If you’re having these thoughts and feeling strange about it, slow down.
Just take a break (there’s always masturbation), not because you are doing anything wrong, but because you are feeling ‘lost’ in it. Life is long, you have time, slow down and see how you feel. Casual sex will always be there, as you have now found out.
It is not easy to separate societal feelings from how we actually feel as individuals. You shouldn’t feel pressured by them but you also shouldn’t ignore your own feelings or rage against societal expectations to the demise of your true self.
Consider therapy or talking to a non-judgemental friend, focus on yourself and healing from your break-up. Sex is often a distraction and when distractions go on too long they become addictions and/or harmful. Not saying that is where you are but just keep an eye on it.
Be careful. You can definitely get lost in this. I’m a man who has got lost in NSA sex. Why not find a partner who gives you good sex and you can build something with?
For each of those men you met, you might be the one easy hookup they’re getting in 6 months or a year. They might then move on to dating with intention to marry – we don’t know but it’s surprising how different most men are to the ‘toxic’ stereotype that persists.
Don’t let the seeming ‘mutuality’ of all those sex acts fool you into thinking men and women are on the same page about sex and hold the same values. Only a very select few men are consistently on a roll with hookups. For women it is much easier to get sex – and I think this may be risky for women’s mental health and future life choices.
It sounds like you may be letting your religious past and the liberal western political culture push you away from monogamy and marriage towards completely free liberal sex whenever you wish. Maybe that is what you truly want and that is fine.
But it sounds like that voice inside within is your soul yearning for a more balanced and stable life. So I would suggest trying not to let what you think men are complicit in (which they aren’t), what you think religion or recent cultural shifts are right or wrong about, and just go with your instincts. Listen to that voice inside. It may just be what you really need, as hard as it may be to adjust to. I know many men who lost interest in casual sex when they realised that starting a family is what they wanted it of life. It must be much harder to give up when it’s readily available though… Whatever you decide, all the best to you.
Don’t be ashamed of your sexuality. 34M in a similar situation. Amicable divorce last year from essentially dead bedroom. Ex was my second partner, and I’ve slept with 14 other women since. 3 diff women in 4 days, one week.
I was raised in a conservative, Christian home, so sex outside marriage was greatly frowned upon. I’ve discovered I’m very sexual and love giving pleasure.
As long as you’re being safe, you do you!
I left my dead bedroom 2 years ago. I’ve since slept with about 30 men. What I learned is I just don’t enjoy casual sex. It’s just boring. I need the real affection, the love, to actually have a good time.
But that’s me. Plenty of women and men enjoy casual sex.
If you do, there is nothing wrong with you. Not maybe you are now realizing you don’t. And that’s ok too.
Figure out what you want. Casual sex. A relationship. And then just pursue that. Nothing wrong with either one.
So long as your using protection and testing for STIs it’s all good!!!!! Nothing wrong with having allot of sex.
On a separate note, you could be seeking distractions to avoid addressing feelings about your past relationship. That could be worth exploring, but that does not mean there is anything wrong with your dating life.
Omg you’re totally fine. Idk I’ve always had what I call “hoe phases” after a relationship and like. It’s honestly super normal lol. They’re fun. Don’t worry about it much, have fun girl. Also your girlfriends are being assholes, no one needs info about your sex life. Stop feeding it to them and do you. If it’s really bugging you, take a break and chill for a bit, but honestly what your doing is legit like super normal. (This is coming from a 29F)
I got married to the guy I dated in high school at 15. When we divorced at 30, I had sex with like 20 men that year. Then I settled down. I learned a lot about sex that year (since my x would only ever do missionary and probably went down on my once in 15 years), about what I like and need sexually. Then I settled down with someone else who met those needs. I think you are just exploring and learning about yourself and that is ok.
I heard recently that 80% of young men are not having sex, and 20% are,..
So,.. girls are going out, and sleeping with only 20% of guys,.. in this sort of arena,..
(Lol,.. someone is getting my share)
Anyway, this creates an odd dynamic when it comes to finding a relationship? These 20%ers don’t seem to be in a hurry to settle down? Are professional players? Are looking for ‘the one’ but sleeping around until lightning strikes? (Or maybe an unplanned pregnancy? If that sort of thing still works?)
Then the girls get ‘too old’ to be marriage? Umm long term material? Become ‘cougar’ for as long as that lasts,.. and then?
Wow,.. I dunno,.. there are lots of options nowadays,.. from fetlife.com to swingers to ‘normal’?
I think you gotta decide if you’d like a relationship?
And what kind,.. I’d personally like to share my life with a significant other,.. but, when I meet an other, I guess we’ll have a good few discussions about what we like and don’t, and hopefully journey together sexually for as long as possible 🙂
I think? I’ve learnt more, sexually, in the last 20years, from the journeys with my different significant partners, rather than one night stands etc 🙂
But, like I say, we all different?
Still learning, still looking ♡ 😉
I felt like i was reading one of my diary entries fr. You are NOT alone. First of all, who cares what other people think? You are the one going through a breakup not them!
It’s fun to date and sleep around but eventually it gets to a point where it finally hits you that this isn’t what you want. And so let it happen, these are the process of a breakup. I think what you’re going through is so normal, just don’t overdo it. Know your limits and be safe. <3
You do you booboo. Good luck and be safe.
If your bf finds out get ready for some news that he offed himself. Because jesus christ. Seek help.
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Meaningless sex sucks after a while. You had your fun, now it’s time to chill out and get to know yourself and think about what you want in a man. Take some time off from the dating apps. Don’t overthink it or shame yourself. You were in a sexless relationship for 5 years, it’s pretty common to come out of that situation and quickly become addicted to “intimacy” with whomever is paying attention to you. You’re human. Everything you did brought you here in this moment. If you’re starting to feel icky about it, then just stop doing it:) it’s that simple.
Find some healthy habits and take a break from the D for a while. Maybe you’ll meet someone you have a real connection with when you least expect it. Don’t be so quick to jump in the sack, just take your time there’s no rush. Sex with someone you care for and love is sooo much better I promise you.
I made a similar mistake after I broke up with LTR. There’s very little upside to sleeping around and so many downsides.
Men who have their shit together don’t want a bunch of baggage and drama from a partner. In fact, they want the opposite. And what do people who sleep around usually have in excess? Mf drama.
just insecurity and unhealthy coping ways, not something i can support or tell you you are okay for your own good you better have a social circle that can accept this, i wouldn’t what you do is disgusting and more than that weak to be honest if i were related to you in anyway friends or biological i would have been already shun you not just because it goes against my morals but also because i genuinely don’t like weak people who falls to their desires easily and has no dicipline, you do you just know that it is kinda pathetic dealing your emotions with opening your legs there are much healthier ways they are called therapists.