Hello!
As for now im trying to write a story and in some parts of this story I have a male character (Val) who well struggles with work, family and well life over all. And, as a woman I have caught myself sometimes putting women’s problems into Val. Basically sometimes my writting is “women writting men” xd. I hope it’s ok to ask these questions for (both single and married/boyfriends) and if not please let me know.
Here I go:
For both single and in a relationship men: Is it true that society has been kinder nowadays?
What standards are you being held at? Are they unhealthy?
When it comes to a relationship. What are your needs or desires that deviate from that of a woman?
Does your partner get you, or is it true that women are more dismissive of a man’s needs?
Showing vulnerability has been something that truly has been normalized for you since the rise of mental health awareness?
Is your partner someone safe to be vulnerable?
If not what do they do and how has it affected you?
When it comes to traumas: are you being properly attended (Or cared of) by your therapist/partner/friends? I guess what i mean is. Are you being listened to? Do you have a escape?
What are some problems you suffer that maybe we don’t even consider you might go through?
What are some toxic behaviours agains you that society does to you but its normalized, and how does it affect you?
What are the differences in treatment you see you get from society because you are a man? And how do you cope with it?
How does all make you feel, what would you like to change?
Please feel free to add whatever you desire. I really want to understand. I thank you in advance!!
36 comments
Not really
People just tell u ls to get therapy but that doesn’t help unless you know what you actually need from it before hand
That and the real issues causing mental health concerns are getting worse and will never be better
All the “mental health awareness” for men today is all lip service. It’s a very shallow mask of “acceptance”.
People can say anything they want about accepting men being vulnerable.. my exes included. It didn’t change how they responded to me when I was “vulnerable”.
The best I’ve gotten is them comforting me superficially in the moment.. and then using it as ammo against me when we had a argument a week later.
*”Is nowdays better for men with the rise of mental health awareness or is society overlooking the real issues? What are those?”*
No.
There is no such thing. It’s all a lie basically.
With no friends, it’s almost impossible to find anyone. No one wants to know anyone who says anything negative, so if you’re at a low point, there’s almost no way back up… unless you pretend to be fine and maybe just don’t say what happened to you, or make up lies about your past.
To add to this. We (I, but probably you too) are no better, if someone says negative things, we just don’t want to hear it really, as it will bring our mood down… so basically, we all just pretend to be happy all the time and hope we all are?
If you want to have a broad look at the state of the care for men in the world, and most particularly in the western countries, have a look at TinMenBlog’s website. He is a left-leaning men’s rights activist with sourced content on how men fare. Spoilers, it’s not as easy as most feminists tell.
There was a question for cher which typifies the feeling about men. She was asked if society needed men she replied for what? Exactly. For what? Guys do 90pct of trades. Plumbing heating masonry all kinds of construction. We’re essentially not valued cept for what we earn. Idk how many guys who open up and show emotions are seen as weak. We can talk forever about a new climate for ppl but their are deep psychological reasons this situation persists. We do what we do to make money support ourselves and families because it’s our role. It’s what gives us value. There’s nobody in the world wants an unemployed guy who smokes pot and plays video games all day. What good is he? We make money, fix the garage door, install windows , take lil jimmy to karate because this is our value. Emotions are to be kept in check. My gf complains constantly about someone who cut in line at target , drove to close behind her. It doesn’t matter to me and other guys because what needs to happen in the end is getting the job done even if I have to go back to the store 3 times because someone needed something extra or the store had the wrong item all without complaining because the job needs to be done and complaining is just more annoying because it doesn’t help. Job still needs to be done. It’s why guys make stupid jokes all the time to ease the tension.
Nowadays people are more willing to talk about men’s mental health awareness only because it’s slowly becoming part of the mainstream. However that’s all they’ll do. They’ll say it’s an issue but in reality still hold their prejudice about men who open up, they either don’t understand or refuse to understand our issues, or try to make women the focus of the conversation.
It’s no secret. Being a guy, especially post me-too movement, both positive and deeply negative.
Positive: more men are seeking help through counseling, faith, and community groups.
Negative: but even more men are struggling to feel accepted by society. From occupation to relationships, men are feeling inadequate, uneducated, unloved, unfulfilled, and unloved. They are humiliated, pressured, outcasted, replaced, and eventually abandoned. No one hears or cares about their struggles until they snap and end up hurting others or hurting themselves. It’s a pandemic. It’s an epidemic. It’s the silent killer everyone is afraid to talk about. Yet everyone has an opinion of.
Imma say it. You know why mental health services for men is generally not useful? I don’t think there’s any malice behind it. It’s primarily because the mental health field is dominated by women.
Women tend to deal with issues in life mostly by trying to come to emotional terms with the situation around them.
Men innately want to solve their issues via action, so the manner of which most therapy is done in Western society doesn’t actually HELP men, and the powers that be only want men to be productive.
This leads to the other issue at hand: talking about issues when it comes to men rarely works.
What’s the point in talking about your feelings when the issues at hand are still there, and for guys, they could be a number of things.
You can’t talk away job loss.
You can’t talk away the financial consequences of divorce
You can’t talk away having a society see you as a cog in the machine.
Men need PURPOSE, something that motivates him to take action. Our value is in what we do.
We wanna fix the issues AROUND us in order to garner a better quality of life. We know no one’s coming to save us.
We just want to be able to take the steps to fix the issues. One of the most damning parts about being a man is the feeling of helplessness.
That’s poison to us.
We know our relationships also hinge on whether or not we are useful, so showing negative feelings means we can’t provide, which means we end up alone.
1. Society is neither kind or unkind. People are kind or unkind.
2. I decide what standards I hold myself to. I don’t think of them in terms of health. My standards are morality based.
3. My relationship is based on needs and desires that are mutual and I think what everyone would agree on, respect, communication, intimacy. Growth, family, support.
4. I don’t think showing vulnerability is tied to mental health, I don’t understand this question.
5. I don’t think vulnerability is the correct term, at least for me, being open is the term I would use.
6. Not applicable
7. Trauma is an over used buzz word. People are too fragile nowadays. Life happens, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, focusing too much on how good or bad past events in your life have been only keeps you from moving forward. I’m not saying to ignore it, I am saying deal with it, don’t dwell on it. Having a friend to listen to you, helps. Having a partner to listen to you helps, having a family to listen to you helps. Btw just because someone is in your “friends list” doesn’t make them a friend.
8. I don’t understand this question, first I don’t suffer problems, I solve them. Second if my friends or partner will be aware of my problem if I need help solving it.
9. Again society isn’t toxic, people are. I avoid toxic people.
10. See above answer regarding society.
11. See 1, 9, 10. Coping depends on how I am treated, sometimes it’s being polite, sometimes it’s avoiding, sometimes it’s speaking up, sometimes it’s just removing myself, as a trained martial artist, it’s never physical unless there is no choice to defend myself or loved one, thank god that has never happened.
12. I am content in my life and that makes me happy.
There’s been some progress made, maybe not much but some.
All those “awareness” days/weeks/months are bullshit excuses for not having to change something. “Look, it’s awareness month! That must mean we’re doing something! Right? Right?”
I think it’s probably getting better. I feel like 10 years ago, fewer people advocated for getting help for mental health. A lot of people are still dismissive of it, but some places are becoming more accepting.
I think a lot of people still look down on men getting help for mental health. In my experience, most women also aren’t accepting of men being open about their mental health. I’ve had a few friends who have been but most of them don’t want to hear it. I don’t think most men want to either though.
personally I’m only 100% open with therapists or family members who I trust. I have told some friends a few things about how I feel but I don’t go in-depth. When I’m struggling with mental health my thoughts are usually awful and not things that people want to hear. Also it’s not like most people can do much to help anyway, which is why I go to a therapist.
Is your character a very unsuccessful mentally disturbed man with no ability to process his own brain? None of this shit has any effect on successful men or men that want to be successful.
Society, get the fuck outta here, successful men do whatever the fuck they want. They don’t listen to society.
It’s better but it’s worse
I doubt that offers much solace but it’s true
Awareness is fine but it’s like a fraction of the overall solution. If that makes any sense.
People care about men’s mental health until a man wants to talk about mental health. Then he’s shunned, laughed at, and told that men rule the world, have privilege, and don’t have it nearly as bad as women so we should get over it.
It’s worse now for men that it has been in a long time.
**Buckle Up**
Here we go *(this is personal experience as a man in his mid-30s. Take it or leave it. Just my point of view)* : I’m in [what feels like] the first generation of men who are allowed to be open with emotions and mental issues (and boy howdy, my brain was born a bit broken). My dad is like his dad and very straightforward *Norman Rockwell”* style. Doesn’t say “I love you,” very focused on raising me [and my older brother] as hard working get a job get married have kids and a white picket fence. My mom had **severe** depression and he didn’t get it. “Just go for a walk. Stop crying and do something.” So he wasn’t the best when it came to my undiagnosed mental issues. So there’s the prolong.
It wasn’t until I was 17 until my mental issues were addressed (I’m doing 100% better now). Even then, he wasn’t totally a fan of me being on meds instead of manning up. So it was a relief for me that mental health was now more accepted, but it took so long, and I feel my dad saw it as a weakness. Luckily, my mom kicks ass and had my back.
In my 20s my mom and I got super close (don’t be gross) and opened up more and I realized how fucked up I was and how it wasn’t my fault and she suffered in silence. Meanwhile, my dad was still just “dad.”
I dated in high school, and in my 20s, I definitely carved up my bed post. But as I got older, I matured. **Then** there was an incident where I realized all my friends were toxic and they abandoned me. So now I’m in my mid-30s, slightly overweight living alone in my own home.
Dating is hard because on paper I’m not a good get. No friends, decent job but not a baller, I used to be hella cute and thin, but life caught up with me. I now have 2 fake hips (and this happened when I was 30. Bone disease), a gut, and social anxiety. Women currently are in control in terms in terms of online dating. I never feel good enough to even attempt matching. I play guitar, bass, piano, and drums as well as am a greater writer and AV editor, but I still feel I can’t compete with Johny Six Pack
**SOOOO** to answer your question: Mental health for men has become more acceptable, *but* because it’s ‘new’ alot of millennials don’t get the treatment they need early on because the underlying issue is their parents didn’t think mental health was a real thing and thus their kids are all fucked up.
*I know this was a rant. I’m actually going through some shit right now, and I definitely **over** vented. ANYWHO: I hope this gives you some insight into writing your character.*
Reddit is a horrible place to ask this question. Way too cynical. In my opinion, yes it is getting better for men. Unfortunately it is a process, a lot of women have not come around to accepting men who have serious feelings. There is also a lot who have. And plenty more men are comfortable opening up to their fellow men about their struggles. Way more than it used to be. I can comfortably talk to any of my friends, male or female, about deep issues I have and not feel judged. I can appreciate that this is not true for everyone, but it is something that is new that is catching on. There’s too many loud-mouths on the internet that do not represent normal functioning adults.
Nobody gives a fuck about us and they’ll say it with their chest. Most especially in the online space. Men need to do this that and the other but where mocked and belittled when we actually do. People just want to pretend they care while never actually having to it’s just performative. I truly believe the only way it’ll change, and also ironically the antidote for toxic masculinity as well if for men to collectively be vulnerable and openly support other men in healthy and positive ways. It solves issues in both sides of the spectrum.
I’d say men’s mental health treatment is still a joke. Then men I know that talk about going to therapy have all had horrible experiences. Couples therapy seems to be the biggest dumpster fire.
Not really. “Mental health” has always been centric around the female mind with the male brain being an afterthought at best.
Our problems manifest in different ways, with different causes, different symptoms, and ultimately different treatments.
I often find the male brain getting diagnosed and treated in ways similar to the female brain
For example, young boys today are being severely overprescribed ADHD medication because natural restlessness that occurs as part of young boys’ mental development is diagnosed as hyperactivity and treated with drugs, ultimately leading to a dependency on the medication from a young age
Or in adulthood. Women tend to be more receptive to vocally processing emotions (hence therapy). But for men, we are more redemptive to processing emotions physically (this is often seen in acts of physical aggression/frustration, that we get demonizes for expressing). It’s expected that men go to therapy and talk about our feelings instead of physically working through them in the way we are naturally inclined to do (of course I don’t mean beating your spouse, but going and hitting a punching bag at the gym or going for a run). Men aren’t give. The tools we really need in order to improve our mental health. We are given the tools women need to improve theirs and fold to “just figure it out”. And trying to fit a square peg through a round hole only serves to cause more problems than it helps for a majority of us
And seriously, gentlemen. When mental health is an issue, find something to *do*. Whether it’s exercising away frustration (or grief/sadness), fidgeting away anxiety, working on a craft/piece of artwork to remove stress. For us, the act *doing* IS how our brains are designed to process emotion, regardless of what the “mental health” system says it’s supposed to be. Take care of yourselves, and find constructive physical outlets
From what I’ve seen, I’m apparently one of the few men who’s actually seen real benefits from their time in therapy. Which is mostly because therapy can really only help with problems that are internal, like anxiety or a harmful mindset. Therapy can’t help with the issues where the only internal part are the symptoms of an external issue, which is what I’ve gathered seems to be the case for most of the issues men face.
My therapist laughed when I said I felt disliked for being a man
One of the real issues is that “Believe all Victims” does not include men. I was sexually abused by a woman who weighed about a third what I did. I could not report what was happening or defend myself because I would have been the one to spend their life in prison. In my state an officer is required to arrest someone in a domestic abuse/assault incident and officers routinely arrest whomever is male. Even if they showed up when my face was covered in blood, they would assume I was the aggressor. The statistics show that men are much more often charged in these situations and this data is used to validate the assumption that men are the aggressor and women are the victim. It is a cycle of confirmation bias and social pressure that keeps men from coming forward and reporting abuse.
For your male character; they face the same problems you do, however they are used to not asking or receiving support. The thought process is that “this is my problem and I have to take care of it” and it can push us into a dissociated state where we repress emotions and try to make a plan. So, if you’re every wondering why a man isn’t panicking, expressing emotion, validating yours, or asking for help it’s because we don’t get the luxury of emotional validation or help.
I’ll finally leave you with the iconic quote from Red Green; “If they don’t find you handsome, at least they’ll find you handy”.
Im not really well equipped to answer your question with anything that hasn’t already been said, other than to point you in a direction that I followed a few years ago.
My advise to understanding mens mental health and position in society (as a monolith fuelled by statistics) is to google Jordan Peterson. Lots of people love him, lots of people hate him, but he’s a clinical psychologist and a good one at that.
Speak about a lot of things but some of the titbits you get might be helpful in developing your character and story as it will give you field in which to operate and make your own decisions based on the events you wish to include in your story
Real issue are an a cumulation of multiple issues. Bad education. Poor entitlement complexity. Lack of resources. And divided leadership will continue to drive both men and women into worse and worse situations.
1) Good one. People increasingly do not give a shit about each other.
2) I’m the one setting my own. If they align with society, nice. If they don’t, they can fuck right off.
3) Women have no patience for the emotions of men that do not suit them at the given time.
4) Therapy help in the sense you can identify where issues came from, and see how you can avoid recreating the pattern. If there’s cognitive issues, appropriate medecine can be given. The rest is feelgood bullcrap.
5) Women aren’t equipped to deal with the angst men feel.
6) At best you get judged and subconsciously seen as less. At worst it get thrown in your face in the next argument. Tie that back to 3).
7) Trauma is a problem. And I deal with problems by finding solutions. I don’t care about being listened to, I want input that will help toward making the problem not a problem. Trauma was fixed a while back for me in case it’s relevant to you.
8) Women (save for the really unattractive ones) cannot compute not existing before achieving. People aren’t nice by default. If I go to any social event without a woman, then I’m dangerous. Then i have to show I’m not.
Then i have to be charismatic to go back to neutral, then positive. All the while taking with a smile all the passive agressiveness. I don’t care about changing it, i care that I now know how to deal with it.
9) I have to be traditional when it’s convenient, and progressive when it’s convenient. Well, maybe she’ll be someone’s else problem, but sure won’t be mine.
10) see 8, and that’s not the half of it. I don’t care about coping. I want to know how to deal with it (I do).
11) Discussions about how things should be are worthless if they do not aim to recognize a pattern and prevent it from happening, because at the end of it you’ll be at the same point. And it’s usually depressing.
I know I sound really rough. But you know the funniest thing? I love women. I cannot compute hating those I want to love, that’s stupid. But so is not calling bullshit when you see bullshit.
Therapy is geared towards women. It doesn’t work for men, at all.
Men need a rubric, a guideline, set of actionable steps with a way of measuring outcomes. We are action oriented, and our feelings follow. But therapy explicitly will not give you this. If you ask a therapist, “what should I do here?” the response will always be a question, “well what do YOU think you should do here?”. This is absolute fucking rubbish. If I knew the answer, I wouldn’t fucking be here. It’s not just useless, it’s insulting.
Women are more emotionally oriented. Emotions comes first and actions follow from that. Therapy works for them because they just have to sort out their emotions, and life improvement will just “happen”.
I use the genders here loosely. I fully believe a lot of women would benefit from actionable measurable therapy.
Mental health awareness is for women. We men are still shamed if we express our emotions to the wrong people.
Sink or swim MOTHER FUCKER. Survival of the fittest, Darwinism. If you refuse to get it done, somebody else will take your place. You’re not entitled to anything.
Fuck outta here with victim mindset and circumstantial garbage. There are people who do 20 pull ups in a wheelchair or who run marathons with crippling heart conditions. There are no excuses anymore.
YOU GET WHAT YOU WORKED FOR, NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.
The thing that I’ve seen is that the issue of mental health for men is used to cover up the other issues that men have, because to acknowledge those issues would be poison for quite a lot of groups, mostly feminists and conservatives.
Is the perception among women that there has been an improvement? In what capacity?
The most important thing to understand about men when writing a character is that whereas for women, who are generally defined by trauma associated with *low* expectations, men are generally defined by trauma associated with *high* expectations. At least in terms of society, this is the case, parents notwithstanding.
Men are raised believing that they are above all else, a burden. And that their purpose is to lessen that burden at all costs. This explains most of men’s issues in society today.
https://youtu.be/gOqgP75V4Ik?si=iZiiHB9DcgqVaz8B
Because of this fundamental trauma, what men most crave is to be valued – not just for what they do and provide, but for who they are. The form that this takes varies, but the theme is the same. Men crave things like acceptance, compassion, recognition, and identity.
The only time I have heard men’s mental health or any other problem mentioned is in the context of how men are too dumb or insecure to fix their own issues or ask for help. It is made a joke of, which tells you basically all you need to know about the state of affairs.
There is never any attempt at understanding or compassion; only derision and belittlement.
There are obviously individuals who are different but they are the exception that proves the rule by standing out.
Society is “kinder” but in more than one way brutal. Way back when, me had at least the stability of a home, car and good pay (essential needs).
Now, we have to worry of the essential needs plus life and personal needs and goals. When we lived in community life was better now is all so individualistic.
Nobody cares and nobody is going to. Men aren’t needed as much as they used to be. A woman can take care of herself without a husband’s income, and more often than ever before, they’re out earning men. Now, I personally support equality in all its forms, but it feels like men have basically been abandoned in that regard. You’re told that you’re supposed to be the provider, the cornerstone, the one who makes the decisions, and if you’re willing to sacrifice your time, body, and energy day in and day out, you’ll be happy because you’ll be doing it for a family that needs you.
But they don’t need or even want you anymore. The reality is that you’re a cog that’s expected to grind and die, then get replaced. If you’re not providing, you’re a lazy bum that should be shown no sympathy. If you’re vulnerable, your marriage or relationship is over. She loves your paycheck and your strength, and if one of those is gone… well, 50% isn’t a passing grade.