Would you trust a guy who “takes it slow / doesn’t want to rush things” or is it some tactic/friendzoning?

31 comments

1. After only a week of dating? Option #1, for sure. You’re looking for problems where they don’t exist. If his hands were all over you and he was sending endless texts, you’d know he was likely a love bomber who rushes things, so why is it so hard to recognize (and value) when someone does the opposite? If you need the reassurance of someone more aggressive, he’s not the guy. If, though, you can muster appreciation for someone who is really trying to get to know you as a person, then you’ve hit the jackpot.

2. Maybe he doesnt like you as much as you like him

3. He can be ready to settle down AND like you, while not being 100% sure you’re the one he wants to settle down with.

   And that’s okay. I don’t blame him for not being there yet, after just a week.

   I’m going through a divorce right now, and it’s been an opportunity to realize how much I rushed relationships in the past. I literally told people after my first date with my ex that “I just met the girl I’m going to marry!” And I did — partially because that feeling was real, but also partially because after I started spotting some red flags, I’d already fully and publicly committed to the idea that we were going to get married so I kept marching full speed towards the finish line.

   Now I’m taking my time. I’ve dated eight girls in the past few months. Most were just one date. One lasted for three dates. One became a best (platonic) friend instead who I still hang out with all the time without benefits. Ha. I’m still seeing two right now.

   Of the eight, I haven’t slept with any and I’ve only made out with one. The one I made out with is one of the ones that I’m continuing to see — but I realized early on that I could never be serious with her. She’s attractive and we have fun together, but she’s into some insane (non sexual) things that I want nothing to do with. So I felt comfortable making out with her, because I knew I wasn’t going to be falling for this one. If that makes sense.

   So, I’d say he is serious about finding that right person, and you may still be in the running. But where it goes from here, we can’t say because he doesn’t know either,

4. Guy does something completely reasonable and you’re already brewing conspiracy theories in your head

5. It’s only been a week, so you can’t expect too much. I don’t think he’s playing games. He’s being cautious. For himself, and for you. I think he’s unsure how he feels about you, and wants time to figure out his interest level in you before getting more physical, and potentially you feeling lead on if he decides you’re not the person he’s looking for. At this point, I think you’re into him more than he’s into you. 3 dates isn’t a lot. No reason why you can’t give it a bit more time and see what happens. Just move forward knowing he’s not sure and adjust your expectations accordingly.

6. To me they all feel equally likely. 2 would be the least likely in my opinion but not by much.

   Gonna give the same advice as always. Talk with him.

   Say you understand that he wants to take things slow and that you are okay with taking things slow but.. and then point out what are insecure about and iron out these parts.

   You can say that you 2 don’t have to move too fast, but you do want to clear out the things in your post.

7. Number 3. At 31, the thing that guys go for the most is fading each year going forward. Time is ticking.

8. Where are you all meeting or finding dates on here? Dating apps suck ass!

9. Maybe he is not that interested in you, or maybe he is like me and really wants to make sure you are the one for the rest of his life.

10. I’m confused he said he wasn’t seeing other girls and asked you not to see other guys while you both take the time to genuinely get to know each other. that sounds like an extremely fair thing to say if he isn’t doing the same.

    so yeah OP, it’s #1.

    oh and:

    >And that he’s okay if I message him or even call him etc .. whatever this means

    It means talk to him in between dates… ask him how his day is going, call to chat.. by him saying it’s okay to text and call him, he is saying he would welcome it. at least that is how I see it from where I’m sitting.

11. Sigh.

    Apps and OLD sites are full of freaks and losers and you are starting to find that out.

    Apps and OLD sites are NOT designed to help you find love. They are designed to keep you single, and keep you coming back to pay fees and watch ads.

    I know this because I was a developer on one of the largest OLD sites out there and the app that accompanied it.

    The reason why SOME people are on apps nowadays is because if they tried to meet a potential date on the street they are so inept and strange that the chance of them succeeding are zero.

    In the past, these were the outcasts of society, the uncle who never got married or the crazy cat lady aunt who looks at men funny.

    Now, all of these people are swiping left and right, furiously, in hopes of having electrons do their matchmaking for them.

    Most NORMAL people who fall for the hype will try the apps or the OLD site, and are gone from them almost immediately–NOT because they found someone, but because they saw the same things YOU are seeing now.

    Get off the apps and get back into the real world.

12. What would you think about a woman who doesn’t initiate physical contact within week?

13. I honestly think that dating apps have created this false sense of speed when it comes to dating simply because you and other users have hundreds of not thousands of members of the opposite sex at your finger tips.

    Everyone wants instant likes, instant messages, instant connections, instant sex and instant relationships. The only problem is, that isn’t how proper relationships are created, built and fostered.
    You might have that initial attraction that drew you to the person in the first place but the connection and the intimacy is built up by talking to them, sharing things with them, getting to know them and spending time alone with them.

    I’d say you’re looking at option 1. It’s been a week and he has stated he wants to take it slow. That’s perfectly fine because he wants to know if things are going to work between you two. You can’t measure that kind of stuff on a single week of three. If it’s making you feel undesired, you should say something.

    I’m also someone who wants to go slow and really get to know my partner and I’d do the same thing. I may be a bit more forward with the physical stuff like holding hands or cuddling but I do like those physical touches build intimacy outside of sex. He may not be like that or he may not be comfortable doing it just yet.

14. Am I the only one that thinks OP needs to chill?

    I say option #1

15. wait he does something reasonable by not rushing and you are already saying it’s a red flag basically? That you are now having some conspiracy theories about him now.

16. 34M here.

    3 is most likely but 1 is possible.

    That being said it’s only been a week and you seriously need to relax.

17. Live a little – go for option one. Make it clear to him what you want. Aiming for a relationship? Tell him. Want exclusive dating from both? Tell him. Insecure about how he sees you? Tell. Him. Ok with slow and want it too if you’re both invested in it? TELL HIM. But don’t analyze and overthink this by yourself, you’ve known him for a week… Give him a month or three, especially since you really like him. Enjoy the dates, be your true self, ask questions and be honest. Sounds like you got a good thing going. Best of luck to you both!

18. Only a week, definitely one

19. Gimme this guys number

    I’ll tell him to whip out his dick and tell u to lick his balls.

    Like wtf. Is he treating u good and is he respectful? Wtf is the issue then?

    YAll have lost ur minds.

20. Regardlessly, he stresses you out .. love is not supposed to be stressful so I think you should move on.

21. Thanks guys, I do need to chill a lot. I got mainly upset that he suggested I can still go on dates with other guys, but I guess it’s the decent thing to do..

    My thoughts for now :

    ​

    1. I still think I am more into him than he’s into me, and it’s fine. Maybe I should try to look at things more rationally as well and not let hormones affect me that much
    2. Yeah, dating apps and years of dating in the big city definitely corrupted me. Instant gratification is the norm. I remember the time it would be considered weird to kiss a stranger you met a week ago.

    3. I always complain about the shallowness of modern dating, I used to tell people I want to get to know someone slowly and things to evolve naturally. But due to the “instant gratification” culture, it makes me feel sort of rejected/undesired. Which is insane within a week…

    I’ll give it another 3 weeks or so and after that I’ll be able to better judge where I stand.

22. Like many others here, I think it is #1, and you should be happy about that.

    Relationships that go nowhere can be painful, and take up a lot of time and effort.

    I am going to give you some advice. Try not to mess this up. Be very honest with this guy. Don’t pressure him to rush things. Find something to do with your spare time when you aren’t together.

    Think about anything unusual you might want to do on a date. Improv lessons, escape room, wine tasting, whale watching. I have no idea what it might be for you, but there is a reason. Be different and interesting. He isn’t just looking for sex or someone convenient.

    He may not have said anything like he is looking for a wife, but it sounds like it. I also have no idea if you would marry the right guy if you met him. Did the topic of kids by any chance turn up?

23. It seems like you’re overthinking. He respectfully asked to take it slow and that made you think he was up to something. At that point, what *wouldnt*, have made you think he’s up to something?

    >…and all this wouldn’t be bad, until he said I can just go on dates with other guys too

    This is actually good thing. He’s being respectful of your time and saying that since his mind isn’t made up, you don’t have to be shackled to him waiting. The *opposite* would be more concerning.

    Im not in your head, but guessing based on what you’ve written – the reason that comment hurts you is because you probably are just hoping for him to want to commit to you mentally, even if the relationship hasn’t developed as such yet. You want him to figure out what he needs to figure out, but to still want to come to you. Him telling you to feel free to do your own thing worries you because you probably imagine that he wouldn’t want you to do that if he liked you as much as you hope he does.

    The irony is that it actually **would** be manipulative if he wanted you tied to him while he was being wishy-washy.

    This is just some dude who’s undecided about you and doesn’t want to waste your time while he makes his decision. This might come as a surprise to you and some readers out there, but guys need time to make dating decisions too. Not everything is some manipulation game…

24. He has prolly gotten shut down in the past and is using this tactic so as to not scare you away.

    I’m a old school alpha male who would have tried by now. FWIW I don’t agree with his approach.

25. I didn’t read anything about you initiating intimacy or physical touch? Maybe he wants that aspect to be mutual before being romantic? Have you expressed how you felt about the kiss? Maybe he needs reassurance or a sign you’re into him too?

26. Three dates and no touching except a peck on the lips that he later said he regretted? That’s gonna be a no from me dawg.

27. lol i’m sooo glad you made this post bc i am going through the EXACT same thing at the moment

28. Sounds to me that he wants to make sure and give you the option to make sure you really are into him aswell Just talk with him its not a red flag at all, communication is key here.

29. When you’re dating serious you’re trying to find a real connection, not just a physical one. That takes **TIME** to materialize as does **TRUST** which is the foundation for every solid relationship. This is what he means by taking things slow before committing.

    He wants to make sure you’re the right one for him before committing to being exclusive. Telling you to date other people when you’re not exclusive **doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in you**. He could be multi-dating and wants you to do the same so you don’t waste your time and end up heartbroken if he decides you’re not the right one for him. He could also just be shit testing you to see what you do.

    My advice, if you’re not comfortable with the slow pace, move on. This style of dating isn’t for people that get attached quickly, its very cerebral and thought driven. You’re likely going to end up heartbroken if you can’t handle it.

30. > was okay but he didn’t even grab my hand for the entire date, let alone kiss me. In the end before saying goodbye, he told me he’s sorry he doesn’t initiate anything (physically), but in the past he has rushed things and now wants to take it slow, sort out his feelings and make sure we’re a good match before doing anything etc.

    I can understand this on a quite visceral level. You have to remember that men can be sensitive about this stuff just as much as women can, especially if we’ve had things go wrong in the past.
    I had a girl I really vibed with and like invite me up to her place on our second date (3 weeks in) and she then did the slow fade out before ghosting me. He might just want to take it slow to not burn you guys out super quickly

31. Give the poor lad a clear sign and if he’s still oblivious 🤷‍♂️

    The male equivalent of friend zoning is fwb zoning, not taking it slow.