I know it’s a controversial topic. My husband has watched porn since we were teenagers and dating. It’s always bothered me a bit but I try not to bring it up. I know everybody has different opinions on it and boundaries are different for every marriage. I’m just curious to know why you are okay with it or why you aren’t okay with it. It hurts my feelings because none of the women that he masturbates to look like me but I try to remember that it’s just porn and it’s not like these are women that he’s actively trying to cheat on me with. I understand the need to pleasure yourself and sometimes just not wanting to go through the motions of having to bother your partner for sex. Just trying to get past my own self-confidence issues I think.
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I oppose most porn because of the rampant abuse of women in the industry. OnlyFans (which I am not supporting so don’t misunderstand this) is better than other porn because the sex workers control their own careers and it is less likely to involve abuse.
So for me, it is the same as not buying shoes made by child labor in a way. I don’t want to support people being exploited.
I might be in the minority here, but it is totally unacceptable to me.
The reality is that I too had to accept it and it devolved into a situation where he is addicted and there is so much deception we are trying to sort out the extent of involvement (chat rooms, sexual contact with sex workers etc). Go to loveafterporn to read about other women’s experiences. If I had my time again I wouldn’t have married him. I’d rather be alone tbh
I feel like this subject is asked so much it should be stickied. Some folks like porn, other folks don’t. Marry someone who agrees with you. /thread
My wife and I have discussed this several times. We are both fine with the other person watching. She watches when she has her alone time and I do as well. She doesn’t care who I look at when I watch nor do I care who she looks at. We very rarely have watched together as we just have somewhat different tastes in what we want to watch. It just isn’t a problem at all for us.
That is what works for us. You need to do what works for you and your marriage.
No porn in our marriage. Obviously, not everyone would agree, but our reasons are what we both feel is for the better health, both relationally/ emotionally as well as sexually, in our marriage. Porn at its core is watching other people have sex. This can lead to one fantasizing about the one on the screen and either masturbating to it (as you mention in your OP) or carrying that image into your own bed. IE face f…ing your partner (having sex with their body but fantasizing they are someone else entirely) While many would not view this as cheating, my wife and I would. That, to me, is what answers the question…is something missing? The thought of my wife getting herself off while fantasizing about f…ing another man feels like a betrayal. Like I am not enough for her or attractive to her. She feels the same way about me from her perspective as well. “We” are the porn. Neither one of us needs to “take care of ourselves” (via outside stimulants such as porn) sexually because we are always available to one another. We make each other our fantasies and have a very full and amazing sex life. For us to bring porn into that would be like inviting a 3rd party into our marriage bed that doesn’t need to be there. For us, we view it as a healthy and protective boundary that only enhances and protects what we cherish when it comes to our sex lives. I don’t pass judgment on those couples who do watch porn but my position on it is that it is not healthy for a marriage as it has the potential to fuel insecurities, as you admit yourself, that just don’t need to be there so why play with fire when you can just play with your partner.
I love watching porn and don’t mind if my husband wants to watch it too. Do you masturbate to erotica or with a vibrator, or even porn yourself? It’s all a means to an end, not a real connection.
The erotica I read is reverse harem werewolf bdsm, so not anything my husband could realistically replicate, that doesn’t make me less attracted to him. Just as long as porn doesn’t replace sex. But in my relationship since both of us watch porn, we are able to go to the other one and say, hey I just watched porn and want to have sex, you want sex or should I just masturbate? It doesn’t have to be hidden.
It is a necessity when libidos/preferences are misaligned.
Truthfully I don’t care, my husband does though lol. Quite the opposite usually from these posts, it’s usually the woman who dislikes it, with a bunch of comments from others calling them insecure. There are lines though that I wouldn’t want crossed. Onlyfans, snapchat, instagram. Anything personal that you have to pay for, or that you can actually interact with the content creator is a no go for me. That would be a form of cheating for me personally.
My husband had a porn “addiction” early on in our relationship (his words) though it didn’t really effect our sex life so I didn’t care either way, but it really fucked with him and he ended up not wanting to watch anything porn related. I don’t snoop though to see if he watches at all. As long as I can walk up to my husband and say “wanna have sex” and he says “hell yeah” then he can do whatever he wants in his private time.
Personally, I can’t stand porn for myself, it’s like the biggest turn off. Watching other people have sex just makes me uncomfortable, I have a weird relationship with sex to begin with lol. Though I do like to dabble in erotica, sometimes hentai if I wanna see pictures but mostly just like to read smut that’s hella unrealistic or super bdsm / dark content that my husband isn’t into and can’t fulfil for me lol.
I think porn is like alcohol. For some people and some relationships it’s fine, for others it’s not. Even in relationships where it is fine if it’s negatively impacting the relationship that’s a problem.
For instance if I’m drinking two drinks a week it’s not an amount that people who are fine with alcohol would find problematic, but if I only drank them right before picking my kids up from daycare that’s a problem.
For me I think of porn as a masturbation aid. I think of masturbation as different from sex. Sex is about strengthening your connection with your partner. You’re putting your partners needs first and making compromises so you both enjoy the sex (assuming you are doing it right). Masturbating is about taking care of yourself and only taking your own needs into account. It’s about fantasies that maybe your partner isn’t into, or maybe you’re not into in real life, or maybe you’re not ready to tell your partner about.
I like to fantasize about threesomes. I’ve had a bunch of them and honestly find the reality of them pretty meh, so it’s not something I can include in my sex life but I can have it in my fantasy life when I masturbate. It took me a long time before I was comfortable telling my husband that I liked to fantasize about alien/tactical sex.
Are there issues in the industry? Yes, but that’s true about most industries. Your clothes were probably made by sweatshops, probably by children or prisoners. Sugar, chocolate, and coffee are destroying the environment. I don’t mean you can’t have concerns about 1 because the other exists, just there are always going to be issues because of how the world works if you think about it. Is OF possibly better? Idk, maybe although I would argue they are just as easily going to be trafficked as anywhere else in the industry. Also I see a bigger difference between a random porn vs someone they can contact if they pay enough. That seems closer to a prostitute/emotional cheating.
So I guess those are my thoughts
Personally I’m only ok with him watching porn if he has already hit me up for sex and I said no.
But that’s because I always want sex more than my partners, I could NOT get on board with being left high and dry for a screen.
It’s unacceptable in my marriage. I wouldn’t be married to him if he wasn’t on the same page about as I am.
I just want to pop in here and start by saying your feelings are completely valid and it is on him for his lack of consideration for you when he didn’t make room for both or get rid of the porn. It’s a vice that alot of men will never be free of because it’s defended so fiercely and it feels good, why stop If you don’t want to and normal right? Ultimately the cats out of the bag to you but for him it’s just another Tuesday he will feel guilty about hurting your feelings but the porn itself is normal to him and that’s gonna be the hardest part. I recommend try starting with talking to him about the unspoken rules, because obviously it’s time to talk about them out loud and set whatever boundary you can that can help you sleep at night. Address the NOW if you can, that you know now and you would like to discuss what boundaries can be set going foward like whats considered cheating, paying for subscriptions ,seeking and following certain content creators, and frequency. It’s a delicate subject and it may feel like your having the talk with your kid but you will be opening a can of worms that only partially has anything to do ,with you these things should have been addressed when he was a teen by his parents and changing years of habit can’t be forced. If you think you can have that conversation in person go for it if not send a text say hey I know about the porn I’d like to talk about it when we can and let him pick a day and time. Also don’t stoop to being a part of the porn it don’t join in won’t make you feel better because the feeling of being left out isn’t the only emotion you may be dealing. That one day he goes solo all those emotions will come back and you’ll be back at square one.
I feel like if it has to be lied about and hidden, it’s a problem, but if couples can be honest about it to get both of their needs met, it can be a nonissue.
For us, I knew my husband watched porn when we got married, but it was a non-issue. We were emotionally connected, and sex was great. It became an issue later after having kids when our relationship got difficult. He started watching porn more frequently/regularly, looking at social media “thirst traps” and OF creators ads throughout the day (like when I’m getting the kids ready for bed or cooking dinner in the next room), lied about it, and then had what looks like an emotional affair with a coworker. It’s really easy to lie and hide things, though, because all it takes is an incognito tab while SO’s asleep. They can’t really know if or what was watched, so it’s easy to lie and hide it and really hard to set boundaries around it. So I just try to accept that I can’t control or know what he does and let it go because this is just a term of being in a relationship with him. And not just him… IIRC, statistically most men lie about the frequency of porn usage. So… It’s just something you can’t control, and I just focus on having integrity in my relationship (rule of thumb has always been not to engage in anything I can’t tell him about) and figure he will do what he does.