So I’m getting married on October 7. My mother, as of exactly 8 days ago, has decided that she is moving from the Rocky Mountain West to my East Coast state. That is great, except things have accelerated very quickly in the last few days, from “I’ve decided I’m moving to New York in 2024” to “I have decided I *need* to sell my house within *the next few weeks*.”
My mom already has a very nice home that she bought at a good price. Her work is completely virtual so she can work from anywhere, and there’s no reason she needs to physically move right now. Somehow, in the past 8 days, she has become fixated on the idea that she can buy real estate in New York sight unseen, and that the Catskills are close enough to me in Brooklyn because the subway runs to the Catskills. (Dear reader, it does not.)
Additionally, my mom has been talking to my soon-to-be in-laws behind my back about this move, making multiple calls in the last week to members of the family that she’s never really spoken to before. Initially, this was non-threatening and even cute … until my in-laws told me that my mom was asking to move *into their house* in the winter. That’s right – my mom’s plan is to sell her house without necessarily buying the next house, because her Plan A is just to *live in my in-laws’ house.*
I should say that this is both more and less ridiculous than it appears, because my soon-to-be in-laws are relatively wealthy. They have a house in the Hamptons that is not used during the winter. Nonetheless, I feel deeply embarrassed that my mom, who doesn’t really know my in-laws, is begging them incessantly behind my back to live in their house … when there’s absolutely no need for her to put herself in that position in the first place. My mom is not as wealthy as my soon-to-be in-laws but she still makes about 300K a year, which is a LOT for most Americans.
I’m both concerned for my mom – because she seems almost manic right now – and incredibly angry that she’s complicating a previously simple relationship with my in-laws.
**How do I tell my mom she needs to cut this shit out right now, while still conveying that I love her and am excited about her moving closer to me?**
21 comments
Not being mean but has she been checked for dementia
You’ve described your mother as being “almost manic” so I’m wondering if her current behavior is out of the ordinary for her, or if you have dealt with similar poor choices in the past.
If this is unusual, are there any possible triggers for her to behave this badly?
Just to add to the pile of questions- what have you said to her thus far?
Sounds bipolar to me. Has she or anyone in your family ever been diagnosed with that?
Tell your in-laws you do not want them to even consider this!
Does she live alone? Started 8 days ago basically exactly? No history of disordered behavior or bipolar before this time?
Have her evaluated for a stroke.
Telling your future inlaws that you only know in passing that you think you should move in with them amd it’s an amazing idea. Then repeatedly arguing with them about it on multiple occasions.That’s Traumatic Brain Injury- type stuff.
I’ve taken enough drugs at one time in life, that I would have considered what your mom is doing, when sufficiently high. Of course I might have had a hard time actually completing said calls. I was too busy yelling “wooooo! Wooooo! Yaaaaaasss!” while blasting heavy metal.
Don’t abuse stimulants, kids.
Yeah, take her to see a psychiatrist. Tell them it’s a sudden change in behavior exactly x days ago.
This does sound like she is having an unwell moment. I guess maybe have professionals help be the voice of reason. She should talk to a realtor to see if how much she could get for her house. She may need to see what’s available where she wants it. Let her know that your in laws house is out of the question. Maybe she can rent if she really does want to move? Maybe this is all fantasy and when she sees concrete numbers and reality, she will wake up a bit. If not, maybe do a virtual therapy session with her and therapist to talk about her feelings with a third party? I wish that I had better advice. Good luck.
I think you pretty much say exactly what you said in your last sentence…
“Mom, I love you and I am so excited that you are planning on moving closer, but the way you are going about it is not OK, you need to stop harassing (name and name).”
You definitely need to try and get to the root cause of why this is suddenly so important. Could it be that your upcoming wedding (and the possibility of future grandbabies) has triggered somewhat of a crisis where she feels like she needs to be closer RIGHT NOW so that she doesn’t miss out on anything? Could she maybe feeling slightly insecure about your relationship with your In-Laws so she is rushing to get closer so that she doesn’t get left behind?
Ask her lots of “why” questions, like “why does it need to be now?” or “why do you feel that way?”. Let her know that you are concerned & want to work through this, but be clear & firm; this behaviour (calling your future In-laws, asking to live in their home) is not OK & is crossing lines. Not only does it need to stop, but she also needs to apologise to your In-Laws. Let her know that after the wedding when things have settled you will help her if you can (for example in the New Year by going to Open Homes with her when your schedule allows), but she needs to stop with the calls. Be clear, be firm.
Manic does seem the correct word. Does your mom have any history of behavior like this? Maybe not as extreme, but really abrupt, impulsive decision making?
Either way, she needs to be medically evaluated. Immediately. This is not a little annoying situation, this is very bizarre behavior.
I agree with others here that she needs to be evaluated by a doctor based on what you’ve said. It sounds like her current actions are a 180 to her standard behavior.
If all is well, it depends on your relationship with your mom on how to approach it. My mom and I are really close so it wouldn’t be unusual to be blunt. “Mom, you know I love you but what is going on? I’m happy you want to be closer to me but why the urgency? You can’t be contacting my in-laws and other family members bout all of this. You need a plan so let’s figure one out together.” For your mom, I’d say PS, the subway does not run to the Catskills from Brooklyn. Good luck OP!
Sorry but you need to be nice but direct and maybe show here what she will get in her price range and how people are buying quickly. You might need explain how she shouldn’t put your in laws in a bad place.
Not sure if it’s possible but have the in laws block her for a little bit.
It could be a form of mid-life crisis; you’re getting married soon, and moving into a different stage of life and forming an even closer attachment to your soon-to-be spouse. She may be panicking about losing you, or experiencing a lot of pre-emptive loneliness.
It may be reassurance that you’re still there for her that she needs; perhaps talking about her role in the wedding? You then need to set very firm boundaries with her. Sorry, I don’t really have a script for it, but I thought I’d offer a possible explanation for her behaviour!
Exactly like you put it in bold. Tell her that.
This sounds like a mental health issue rather than just her personality, I’d honestly start the process of approaching her about therapy or seeing a psychiatrist. I’m bipolar and this is alarmingly similar to how I have behaved during manic episodes, especially if she’s done similar before like you say. Could have been triggered by big life events (like her daughter getting married) and one of the internalized feelings I often have in the beginning of mania is this intense desire to get away from my current scenario, regardless of whether it’s good or bad, being emotionally overwhelmed can be a huge trigger.
Tell your in-laws to block your mom. Then talk to your mom. Tell her she will not be moving into anyone else’s house and she needs to stop bugging people. If this is new behavior for her, it’s time for a physical with her doctor.
Ummm. She is an adult and can do as she pleases. It is your soon to be in laws to decide what they want With their house. They can say yes or no. You obviously don’t like your mom so much and liked when she lived across the country So you didnot have to deal with her. Go back to planning your wedding and stop trying to control others
Ummm. She is an adult and can do as she pleases. It is your soon to be in laws to decide what they want With their house. They can say yes or no. You obviously don’t like your mom so much and liked when she lived across the country So you didnot have to deal with her. Go back to planning your wedding and stop trying to control others
Sit your in-laws down and talk to them. Tell them your mother is going through some kind of crisis and you are so sorry for that and you had nothing to do with it.
Then talk to your mother that she has embarressed you a lot and what the heck she thought would happen. That your in-laws have money, doesn’t mean she can freeload with them.
It sounds like you are going to have to be rather drastic. Tell her you are excited for her to move closer but this is exceptionally fast and she needs to take it slower. You also need to set boundaries between her and your in-laws. What she is doing is inappropriate! Tell her, unless she can find a place on her own then that’s it. She is just going to have to slow it down!
I think that it is more important to let your inlaws know that you know that your mum is asking a lot, that she might be in a manic episode and that they shouldn’t offer anything unless they are 100% willing to do.
Tell your future ILs to block your mother that you do not know what is going on with her but that you will handle it.
then rip your mom a new one. Either she has a medical emergency going on, or she’s deeply in debt and tries to fix it by selling her house and paying the debt off.
Whatever it is, you nee to have a come to jesus moment with her, and if she’s not coming to her senses, then you might need to uninvite her.
OP would it be possible for you to take some time and go physically see your mother?
Concern being if she having some sort of an episode of an undiagnosed condition you might be able to go with her to see her regular doctor as well as see if your therapist may know someone where your mom lives.
Additional concern is she could possibly make a really poor decision as selling her house if someone decides to try to take advantage of her.