Hello! I’ve had a hard time finding a woman who is interested in dating me. I’ve seem to have fallen into the good guy category which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s left me with more friends than dates. I work in a hospital where I’ve made lots of nursing friends. (Mostly women) They all tell me how nice of a guy I am and how I’m going to be an amazing boyfriend/husband. My one close friend has told me that I tend to be too nice and not set boundaries. I definitely think that’s true and I guess I tend to love bomb people. I’m always checking up on someone I’m interested in, making sure they’re day is going well, asking them if they need anything, etc. The last two girls I’ve talked to were for a few months at a time and all they used me for was attention. I would compliment them and go out of my way to make sure they feel special. And I’d get nothing in return. I guess I’d like to know how do I stop being too nice? How do I set boundaries? I don’t want to change who I am because I genuinely care about how they are, but as of right now my approach hasn’t been working.
6 comments
how long are you talking before asking them out?
One of the boundaries you can set is looking to see if someone is returning any of that energy back to you. You should be receiving as well as giving, and if you’re not, then it’s not right for you.
Also, some of this is likely self esteem related. You have to trust that who you are is good enough for the right person, and that you’re letting your “authentic self” shine through. A lot of “nice guys” who I’ve met seem to think that just reflecting back who I am or focusing entirely on me is a great way to be, and it’s not for anyone looking for an equal partner. The only people who will be into that are people looking for someone to use. If someone’s looking for an equal partner they want to know who you are. They want to disagree sometimes, etc. Are you being true to yourself and honest about your needs and desires? Or are you just looking for ANY woman who will date you?
Setting boundaries is important and as someone whos on both sides of the fence you need to understand that people dont actually like you more for letting them walk all over you. People (good people) actually like knowing that someone cares to enforce a boundary with them. It shows you’re in for the long haul and expect to talk to them long enough for them to need to know your boundaries. It also makes the other person feel more comfortable in enforcing their boundaries too. All in all, the only way to have a healthy relationship is with boundaries.
Now how to set them? Heck if i know. I can only do it when the other person does it first 🤦🏼♀️
you have to begin to practice setting boundaries. it’s always hard to do what you’ve never done, but not impossible.
i think the first goal is to change your intention. i don’t know you so i’m not sure what your *intentions* are by being nice. if your intention is to ensure that you’ll be able to secure someone’s love and affection by being nice to them, you’re already off on the wrong foot. that’s a codependent way of thinking (‘i’m good enough if you validate me’).
though we’re taught differently, you actually can’t make people like or care about you. you can manipulate them, but you can’t actually control that outcome. they ultimately *choose* whether they want to give you their energy and attention.
if you begin from a position of self-confidence, you’ll understand that you have equal value to everyone – that includes people who are in relationships, tech billionaires, presidents, whatever. that means you deserve respect. the goal is to align with people who already think that, without you needing to prove it.
thus, your intention must change. *why* are you love bombing women? what do you believe this action will yield you? i recommend creating an *intention* of learning more about yourself through dating. to begin with. for example:
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1. when you want to “love bomb” through text, pause and ask yourself “what is my goal by asking her what i can do for her right now? is there something i can actually do to make *my* day better?”
2. if you meet someone you like, ask yourself “what is a reasonable date i could ask this person on that would help me learn more about who they are?”
3. why am i irritated that i’m not getting the same level of attention and energy that i’m outputting? maybe there’s a way i can change my behavior so that i’m less frustrated?
stopping and thinking *before* you write texts would help. i think creating firm boundaries about your level of engagement is good too (“i won’t text all day with her, i’ll just check in once a day”), etc.
next, start pouring energy into yourself. what goals would you like to accomplish? take steps toward those goals daily. re-engage your passions. also, reinforce your friendships.
love has nothing to do with deservingness. everyone deserves love. you don’t have to work to deserve it. start working to know yourself more and focus on dating as a way to do that, until you’ve realized why your patterns are ineffective. we are our own greatest guides.
Look up “codependency”. These are people who are nice as a form of control and manipulation. Im not saying you are codependent but maybe look it up. It makes other people feel weird to be around.
Do you try and use being nice as a means of getting people to see your worth? Or what drives you to bend over backwards for people that aren’t doing the same for you