Why do you want to know about your spouses childhood ? What does your spouses childhood has to do with marriage ?
I asked this question because almost all married people know everything about how their spouses childhood was ? And why are you willing to also talk to your spouse about your childhood ?
Me and my wife have been married for 6 years and I do not talk to her about my past and childhood. She is open about hers but I am private about mine. So much that when my wife met my family for the first time, we had dinner at my house. She is never been to patents house because this is where all my childhood pics are but my mom has a loud mouth and talks a lot and I am afraid she will reveal some embarrassing events from my childhood and show my wife some embarrassing pics.
Why are you interested in your spouse’s childhood ?
27 comments
I personally am not interested in my husband’s past, unless he wants to discuss it. I wouldn’t go asking though lol I think we know a bit about each others past (just over the years and as we got to know each other) but it’s hardly a dominant subject for discussion.
Perhaps you need to talk to your mom and ask her to be mindful when you visit, and ask for no embarrassing tales to be told! Good luck
Why are you trying to hide your childhood from your spouse?
Because how someone grew up is usually integral to who they became in some way, it’s interesting and can help you understand them more deeply.
And because sharing with someone can overlap with trusting them, and having them share with you can overlap with being trusted.
There’s more stuff in my brain about the whys I’m curious about the people I care about/ want to know better, but I think the above are my top two reasons.
I don’t know how much of it is a me thing and how much of it is a clinical psychologist thing because that’s my job. To me though, understanding his formative experiences helps me to understand him, and to contextualise things he does that might otherwise or to people who don’t know appear a bit out of the ordinary.
I also love him deeply even if I also sometimes want to chuck him out of a window ha and because I love him, I care about the experiences he’s had in and of themselves. I think he’s found it at least sometimes helpful when he’s spoken about it and reflected on it and talking things out with the safety, wisdom and distance of the years between then and now has helped him make connections he might otherwise not have consciously made.
I want to know because it’s a part of him and although he has some memories that being up shame or humiliation, he’s shared at least some of them with me and I’ve wanted to be alongside him, to hear him and support him and to help him to let go of some of the intensity of those feelings at least, if not to let go of them as attached to the memories altogether. Shame loves it when you hide away, and sometimes, in the right circumstances, if you can safely share something that you’ve felt shame or humiliation about, the exposure kills it off. I don’t want my husband to suffer, so I want to help him to expose and let go of shame and humiliation.
Childhood shapes who we are. It seems really odd to me that you consider your childhood and what made you who you are to be something not to share with your spouse.
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years and I can’t even imagine how we could have gotten here without having an understanding of each other’s upbringing.
Gosh, this is just bizarre to me. The number one person I WANT to discuss “my personal life” with is my husband. We like to talk about everything… childhood, families, what it was like when we were in school, have driven by our childhood homes and schools, etc, talked about first jobs… i could go on and on. Why don’t you even want your wife to go to your parents’ home? Why did you marry her if you think she’ll blab all your secrets? What in your past doesn’t allow you to let her in all the wayv
The older you get married, the more difficult it is to know EVERYTHING about someone’s past or childhood, but I think it’s completely normal/natural to know a pretty significant amount. Learning about someone’s childhood/past/family is to learn about what formed them – why they are the way they are, what drives them, etc.
My husband and I got married at 34 and 39. We don’t know a lot of little everyday stories about each other because that’s 3-4 decades of past to catch up on in the 4 years we’ve been together, but we’re learning them all the time. But when we were dating, we talked a lot about our upbringing and our families. We especially talked about it when we decided we wanted to try for a kid/kids together. We went through the 1001 Questions You Should Ask Before You Get Married and learned a lot about each other.
I consider both my husband and I pretty private people. We also have been firm on boundaries with each other on what we’re fine with the other sharing or not. For example, I was married before and my ex-husband was very toxic and abusive when it came to sex and I was a virgin when I met him. Between that and a Catholic childhood, sex to me is a very vulnerable and bare thing. My husband grew up in a family where everyone talks and jokes about it. I was very clear to him that I was uncomfortable with him sharing details about our sex lives with anyone. He has honored that, or he has asked for further clarification on specific things when needed.
For you not to trust your wife to keep your stories/information in confidence, and for you to not want to share anything with her to begin with….I honestly don’t know how y’all are married. I don’t see the point in getting married just to hide my past from someone, and I don’t see the point in marrying someone who isn’t honest and forthcoming in a marriage….that’s a big red flag to what else will they be willing to hide from me.
I enjoy hearing about my husbands past. Learning more about my husband is enjoyable. Knowing he trusts me is awesome. The more I know the more connected I feel. The more I can understand. The more I can navigate issues. We are open books.
You are scared that she will judge you and she will change her view about you that’s why you hide it from her. You don’t trust her.
Because it shaped them into who they are now.
Our childhoods are instrumental in forming the people we become. Memories, events, and the general environment we grow up in shapes us. Understanding certain aspects of childhood can help people better understand their partners. Why wouldn’t most people be interested in learning more about a person they loved enough to marry? Some of it could also be plain old curiosity.
Because I want to know the person I am spending my life with inside and out and a part of that is to learn about his childhood experiences, where he comes from, who he comes from, how he was raised etc. All of those things are a big part of who he is now as a person and I want to know that entire person. Hiding his childhood from me would be a huge red flag.
I’m interested in her childhood because I love and cherish her. The same reason she is interested in mine. It helps us understand what makes each other tick. Plus we can join in on the inside jokes with our families, make references and just all around be happier partners
Bc we are interested in our spouse as a whole. It’s like, why do married couples talk about their day when they get home from work?
It helps to understand behaviors. You may not know you are repeating parental behaviors or have behaviors based on how you were raised.
Because in some instances your childhood has a bearing upon who and what you are as an adult. My wife knows stuff about my childhood that my parents didn’t know about and my siblings don’t know about. And more than my former wives and girlfriends ever knew.The same is the reverse for my wife.
Because she’s my wife and I’m interested in her life. It’s the bare minimum.
how someone grew up and the behaviours they saw and experienced makes them who they are.
my husband thinks a lot of the way his parents treated him was normal when it really wasn’t. it also explains a lot in how he deals with some things
Because it is normal to be interested in your life-partners life. Because my personal life is, to a very open and intimate extent, her life now. Because openeness and honesty are hallmarks of deep committment.
What are you hiding?
I like to know what environment she was brought up in. It helps explain some of her actions or outlook in life. Heck, my wife knows all about my childhood. I even have family slides she has seen!
Someone who didn’t want to share anything at all about their childhood wouldn’t pass the bare minimum to be a friend, let alone a romantic partner.
You do not sound like someone who should be married. If you want to be a “private person,” then you shouldn’t have got married. This level of hiding stuff from your spouse is unhealthy for your marriage and shows you to be either an untrustworthy person, or a foolish person who married someone he never trusted.
And there’s no point to it! It’s your childhood. Nobody cares if you were an ugly kid. We all had ugly phases.
I dunno we run out of other shit to talk about?
It’s pretty bizarre that you are so anxious about being embarrassed in front of your wife by your parents that you don’t let her go to your parents house.
Is there something specific going on? Abuse? Trauma?
I regret not talking more. He knew the basics but if I had talked about the trauma, the hurt, the good moments or the things I learned, maybe, just maybe he would know why I was the person he met and married. I got angry to anyone suggesting my choices, my character was created by my experiences. I know better now. It took years and so many mistakes.
Because I like to know who they were as a child. It helps me understand who they are as an adult.
For example – you are scared of embarrassment from your mom or pictures. That in and of itself would make me want to learn more. Do you have low self esteem? What are the main things you thought were embarrassing? Looks? Hobbies? Mistakes? Are those still embarrassing for you as an adult? If not what helped you grow? What would you tell your younger self? What would you have done differently? What parts of that would you bring to parenting our kids?
I don’t know. Your wife and you would probably be increase your emotional connection if she could see that side of you.
OP this is very odd on your part to hide your past from your wife. It sounds like you feel ashamed of your younger self, and are actively trying to hide that. Sharing this info with your partner can help unburden you, and help you get over whatever it is that is bothering you
This is a really, really weird post….