Hey everyone, this is my first time posting on here but I need advice. I 37 female
started seeing a guy 34 I met off bumble. We have been on seven dates-he has met my friends, and we are currently exclusive. He has been very transparent, open and honest about his past, and his childhood -almost too honest, considering it’s been less than a month of dating. I currently rent and he owns a home 12 minutes from me and he won’t let me see his house. He’s been to my condo four times now and is coming over for dinner Thursday .he even went as far as cooking me dinner at my condo and when I asked him how about I come over and return the favor and cook you dinner he said he’s not ready to show me his place yet and that’s a boundary I need to respect and he’ll show it to me when he’s ready, which is a huge red flag and I expressed this to him. He says it’s messy and it needs work. Now I can understand a guys place being messy and if it’s in that bad of shape, he could always have someone clean it for him. My question is has anyone been in a situation similar to this and if so, how did you handle it? Last night I googled his name and he does in fact own a home 12 minutes from me so I know he’s not lying about that. I just feel like if you like a woman ,you want to bring her over to your home that is unless he’s hiding something. Help! 🚩
37 comments
It’s been weeks… if it was messy he could have cleaned anything by now. If it’s unfinished, you could still show your girlfriend?
Something is off… does he live with sometime else? Does he have bizarre stuff for decor? Does he have a s3x dungeon? This is a red flag.
I would communicate that it gives you an uneasy feeling that you can’t see his home when he has seen yours multiple times. It feels like he is being dishonest or secretive.
This is weird, luv. Listen to your spidey senses.
If i were a betting man im placing my bet on him being a hoarder.
My coworker was dealing with this last year…turned out the guy was still living with his ex-girlfriend and her kid.
If it’s messy, he has had a month now to have it cleaned, or clean it himself. He is 100% hiding something from you. What it is is anybody’s guess, but it’s really disturbing that he’s trying to make it a problem with YOU not respecting his boundary. I’m sorry, but it’s totally normal for you to stay at each other’s places. You’re adults.
I wouldn’t tolerate this anymore, and make it clear that you have no future if he won’t let you see where he lives.
Are you sure he isn’t married?
I think there are a couple of options:
– He’s extremely dirty / a hoarder. If he looks kept up and doesn’t have a smell, that’s less likely, but with some you never know.
– His place has structural issues or is unfinished, which could make him feel insecure if your place is neat and tidy.
– He has odd decor or weird stuff around (thinking niche anime, sex swing/area, stuffed animals/children’s toys, etc.) and he thinks you’d judge him.
– He had a wife/gf or kids and is not being honest with you.
All of these options point to him either being very insecure in himself or outright lying to you, neither of which is cool. I would tell him the next date is at his place and if he is not willing to do that, you have to say goodbye. Relationships are built on openness and honestly, and he doesn’t seem like he is willing to build that with you.
37m here!
I might as well be this guy. Honestly!
The good news is that there is a strong possibility that his house is just that messy.
The bad news is that there is a strong possibility that his house is just that messy.
Like, “ashamed to pay someone to clean it for him”, kind of messy.
It is up to you how much of a deal breaker this is, and I think it is okay to ask him if he doesn’t want you going there because it is too messy.
Nah something is up.
My current gf never came over and to me it just made sense to hang out at hers because her place was bigger and she had more streaming service subscriptions. When she brought it up I thought yeah I guess that would seem like I’m hiding something huh then I cleaned a bit and she has been coming over ever since
I’m in the same boat. Bachelor pad 101. It would be hideously gross to anyone that’s not me. I have some physical issues and the task seems overwhelming. I even tried to hire a professional. They took one look and said “No way”.
If I had to bet
He either is married.
or
A Hoarder
Sounds married to me.
He lives with mom and dad
People thinking he’s married…like he’s not going to meet her friends and risk an encounter with them knowing him if he was married. He’s probably a hoarder or his place is a disaster. Which are both not great options but I can’t imagine him being married and going around in public meeting friends Willy nilly
I was here as the guy, post divorce I bought a really run down townhome with cash. It needed (and still does) a shit ton of work and I was very embarrassed to bring someone to it. I was with a woman and she asked me this exact same question, multiple times and I finally gave her the tour. It was really hard for me as I had always lived in some pleases I was proud of but this one was not that. I had torn apart everything and was working weekends and evenings putting it back together (just master bath left whew). As a man, if you don’t live in a place you are proud of (yet) it’s a serious punch to masculinity. Do you want to make sure he is not harboring a secret wife? Ask for a quick FaceTime tour. He is not ready but it’s ok to ask when he thinks will be. All of these signs point to yes, he is being honest but simply embarrassed currently and calling him out on that is not the right choice.
If his house is so messy that he hasn’t been able to clean it after such a long time, it means its truly in a very horrible condition. Like a hoarder level of horrible condition. Or he is living with someone.
Maybe he’s doesn’t have many house furnishings. I lived for many years with just the basics including a few eating utensils, air mattress, and a 19” tv on the floor. I would have been embarrassed if I had to show someone my place let alone someone whom I was interested in romantically.
I don’t even have to read further from the title to say he’s sus & move on. Lol
You know in your gut that’s there is something wrong here. Trust yourself and be willing to walk away without evidence. I know it’s hard AF, but the reality is that if it was all above board he’d at least give you a more transparent answer.
I went through this in my last relationship. We spent all the time at my place, and he blew off the idea of going to his. When I finally went at it hard and wouldn’t continue dating without seeing it, the lies started flowing. I should have left then. I believed the stories about why and eventually it became obvious the transparent, super honest guy had hella secrets and a drug problem. Trust your gut.
I have a very good friend I’ve known since 2006. They live with an ailing parent who was a hoarder and while in their professional life, you’d never know it, I’ve never been inside their house. I barely was allowed in the backyard after a hurricane, and the yard was hoarded out too. I strongly suspect OP’s date is a hoarder and sometimes there is no simple “get it clean in a month.”
If you want to date a normal guy who lives a normal life at home and will reciprocate your effort in hosting dates: this is not that man.
Maybe he’s a hoarder. Maybe he’s married or shacking up with his girlfriend. Maybe he’s a serial killer. Who cares? Is this the relationship dynamic you want? If not: move on.
His place might not be furnished nice and it might be messy. He might just be embarrassed by it
A few explanations. The house is in dire need of repairs, or he is super lazy to clean up a bit.
It is possible he lives with his parents. My son lies that he owns a house. He doesn’t actually. We travel frequently to our second house but he lives with us. He avoids to bring a girlfriend at home because he is 30.and he is afraid to be judged.
He’s not ready for you to meet his wife yet.
Accept the boundary or move on. You haven’t known each other a month yet. Regardless of his reason, you sound super rushed in this whole story.
I doubt he has a wife, I think he’s got something personal he’s not really ready for you to see because your only in the beginning stages of dating, some things you just don’t want to show people
Chronic Depression is my guess. – meaning his place is currently a train wreck of garbage, unwashed clothes all over the floor, etc… I have chronic depression and when I’m in a “low” that’s how my place gets and I become reculsive and refuse to have *anyone* over. I’m disgusted with myself, I’m embarassed of what’s become of my home, and want nobody else to see it except myself.
A lot of, if not most people don’t associate or even realize that depression very much correlates with how their home is inside. Easiest way to tell if someone is depressed? Step into their home and it’s obvious AF if they have depression issues.
Not saying he is depressed but, I am saying that *could* be the case. Depression is an easy thing to hide for the most part. Especially Chronic Depression because it comes and goes and when it comes, it’s a sinker.
Otherwise, assuming he’s normal and doesn’t suffer from chronic depression… Could be that
A) He’s lying about where he actually lives
B) He has a wife and/or girlfriend who lives WITH him
C) he is just a messy and unclean person in general and is embarassed about his place.
Come on guys, don’t think the worst every time. He could’ve bought a fixer upper and having trouble with $ or skills to move forward on the renovations he envisioned. Guys can live pretty spartan lives,comfortably, and he might not want to risk her bolting if she she’s it’s condition
Eehhhh, personally, when/if I’m dating someone new, I’m not keen on letting them inside my home until I feel I know them well enough to know they won’t make fun/judge/shame me, for my home not being particularly well put together, between difficulties cleaning (I’m a cripple, it gets tough lol) and the fact that even though I’ve been here for a year, I don’t even have a couch nor many other “home comforts”.
Even without all the above, my home is my Safe Space, I’m not going to bring people into it willy nilly.
Pushing it, thats a 🚩 for me. He’ll show you when he’s ready. Unless you have a good reason to believe he’s being shady, just leave it be for now.
I suffer horribly from depression but I manage to hide it well in public so most people I interact with would never know… but in private I’m a mess and my house can get very messy. So messy that it could take weeks to clean up. He may be struggling at home with this but not show any other signs. I have no advice, but give him grace if this is it, it’s tough for us sad people.
Nobody is figuring out another alternative: he might have ADHD. ADHD means executive dysfunction, meaning he hardly has the ability to clean up his place and it naturally devolves into the place being a mess. If this were true… It’s not a red flag, but OP would have to figure out if she is fine with dating a neurodivergent folk. I wouldn’t even blame him for feeling insecure about his home, honestly.
Most of the men I’ve dated have been apprehensive about having me over because my place is just nicer, newer, and always tidy. The first time I came over their places they all did a massive cleanup and hung up curtains and art and went all out to make it nice. I didn’t know they went to that trouble til later. Maybe his place is just not as nice as yours and he’s insecure that you’ll judge him? I think you just have to give him some more time. 7 dates is still pretty early.
everyone is being so negative about this guy. maybe he just runs a bakery from his house and he doesnt want you to eat all the cookies
Lots of comments here suggesting he’s a hoarder, married, or both. It’s possible, but I would like to suggest that this is **not** a red flag. Hear me out.
I (F, 50) am really weird and uncomfortable having people in my home. I know it’s problematic, and something I’ve been working to get past, but it’s still an enormous source of anxiety for me. I definitely own too much shit (somewhat as a consequence of being ADD) but am definitely not a hoarder by any means. Growing up with a tumultuous childhood however, my space was always my sanctuary and when it was breached, it was usually something that would end with violence of some sort. As an adult, my home is both my sanctuary and the truest reflection of who I am at my core, both good and bad. My living room is great, my bedroom usually is; my office is a disaster at the moment, and my garage is a fucking nightmare. The spare room lies somewhere in the middle of all that.
Between being naturally protective of my own space as a matter of being protective of myself, and just being self-conscious about the areas that are not “perfect,” (and a fear of being judged by that), it is extremely stressful to have people to my house.
What’s helped most in recent years is I’ve learned to be honest and forthcoming with people I’m building relationships with about my anxiety around this. This is a SUPER scary conversation to initiate and took me years to be able to do, but I found that in doing so, I could get a read on how people might react and if I’m being judged or not, and then am better able to “take the leap” by having them over. I never ever regret having them over, and each time I do it, although leading up to it I’m fraught with anxiety, it gets easier.
I would suggest initiating an honest conversation with him by telling him how you feel about not being invited, and asking him what he’s feeling about not inviting you. I’d hazard to guess that the last thing he wants to do is make you feel unwelcome or rejected, and it’s important that he hear and understand how his actions affect you. Just by asking, you’re establishing safety and if his reasoning or feelings are anything at all similar to my experience, this is the best way to break that ice and build trust with each other.
He’s a multimillionaire and doesnt want you to think differently about him. I did the same thing
I’d take it at face value. I own a home, and it’s so messy and needs so much work that I’m probably months away from getting to a point that I’d be ready to have anyone over. Not just girlfriends. Anybody.
I am actively working on it. It’s also just so much work on top of everything else I do.
So, the question is — he has a home in some degree of disrepair and messiness. And he thinks your reaction to seeing it would be even worse than your reaction to his weirdness about you ever coming over.
Is that a deal breaker for you?
I had this rule that I’ve given myself when it comes to dating: never show a man where I live before I see where he lives first. I wouldn’t continue to ask him why he doesn’t invite me to his place. I would simply stop inviting him over. He has something to hide. Maybe his place is a meth lab… lol. You should cancel Thursday’s dinner.
Be sure to come back with an update plz