My partner [19F] came out as nonbinary [19M] and I don’t know how to feel

29 comments

1. It would be okay to not wanna date that person anymore. We don’t get to choose who we’re attracted to, so if they’re not the gender that you’re attracted to then there’s nothing you can do.

2. If you are straight, you are straight. They were a female when you met them and they are still biologically female, therefore you are straight.

   Trying to force you to become something you are not because they have decided to switch their gender is awful and horrible, and borderline trying to change your sexuality (no different than how homosexuals were back on the day forced to try to become straight).

   I honestly think you should break up. I think what they are doing is a severe type of boundary breakage and not healthy at all.

3. Some advice from another non-binary person.
   Gender and sexuality are messy. Being non-binary is messy. Understanding that, respecting that and evaluating your expectations from your relationship and its relation to your identity is your next step.

   No, they haven’t stopped being the person you knew. They are trusting you with emotional openness about themselves. Gender can define the way others perceive us and how we perceive ourselves. You shouldn’t expect your partner to adhere strictly to gendered norms. They may choose to, but you must respect that this is their choice to make.

   As for how you feel, try and identify your feelings for this person in relation to this information. The truth of sexuality is that it’s not particularly well-defined either; sage advice is to trust your heart and worry about the technicalities later. Still, what you look for in a partner is yours to determine in the end.

   Piece of advice from a person around your age? Talk to your partner and keep an open mind. Little has changed, except the scope of who your partner chooses to be. Have a conversation with them, be respectful and ask them questions you have. Don’t stand in your own way if your values and understanding align.

4. Just call it off and date someone who better aligns with what you need. You’re young it’s nothing to fret over. Just isn’t going to workout with this person is all.

5. It’s okay to break up over a conflict in beliefs. By the way, it’s still a straight relationship.

6. Consider the following things:

   * does this change how you feel about them?
   * are you still attracted to them?
   * does it affect your relationship if they identify as genderfluid?
   * do you care about your identity being “straight”?

   ​

   After thinking about these, decide if you want to continue the relationship. Either choice is fine, but be respectful about it.

7. Put everything into perspective. You were “unofficially” dating, so not even formally an item before they advised you of their gender non conforming nature.

   Your partner probably opened up to you because they want to trust you, and this is something you need to know before getting involved with them, at least officially.

   You have a choice now, the ball is in your court. You can be “cool” with it, or you can not be. But it is not fair to yourself or them if you are not and keep the relationship going.

   Ask yourself, are you okay with them presenting fem? Are you okay with them presenting passably masc? Are you okay with them taking Testosterone? Are you okay with outside third parties sometimes perceiving them as masc and you as gay?

   If you aren’t okay with these possibilities, then it’s best to get out of the relationship now before you hurt them, or before you get hurt.

   If you believe that it’s “technically” straight because of biology and that they will always be a “girl.” You are only setting the relationship up for failure when they make choices about their body that they have plainly indicated are a possibility.

8. It’s OK to break up and you should.

9. a genderfluid pdrson is also somewhere female, so if you, a straight male, date the person, you are still straight
   Not everything is so exotic.

   Also, sexuality is more physical than some of the LGBTQ* like to think, if your partner physically presents as female and has the bodyparts that you like then I dont see why you are suddenly not a hetero anymore.

   Now to the social part. I think you are insecure abouzt something here and you have to ask yourself what and why. You are both very young, obviously not dating for a very long time and she/them is obviously finding themselves, maybe this is it, maybe its not over… you dont know the person for long, this cpuld be an exciting journey.

   1 – this change or outing has nothing to do with you. It is not a reaction to you, it is not meant to hurt you and iit has nothing to do with your masculinity.

   2 – you might find out that apart from biology, gender and sexuality are way more fluid than you thought it was. To understand your parznsr, reflect about your own masculinity, femininity, your influence by gender roles and expected sexual/social behaviour. Itsnot a 24-h -process but rather a lifelong thing. Take it easy.

   3 – I dont like that she daid to you you are jot straight anymore (first, who gets to decide the sexuality of anotjer person, second, sexuality aims at sex primarily, not gender, like I explained above). There are some people I met in the community who like to overlable others and themselves and sometimes that is more harmful than helpful. Learn about is as much as xou can, be mature and pragmatic about it and see how you can support your partner in this way and help them if they get too deep into the rabbit hole (as suppirtive as I am, I have seen it happen).

10. if you’re straight, break it off with your partner. it’s only been 2 months of talking, and you guys have just been getting to know each other in a deeper capacity. I believe what they were trying to say with that statement is that if you continue to date, your relationship will be “queered” by the fact that your partner is genderqueer, while you are still (I assume) a straight man. It is not still a straight relationship just because you can do PIV.

    I agree with other commenters in this post that you might benefit from understanding your partner’s gender identity more (do they skew more gender non conforming? do they consider themselves gender queer?). I do want to say that what many are saying in these comments is untrue, your partner is not mentally ill or deranged for falling outside the gender norms.

    In addition, you might consider that your partner’s gender could deviate further from what they were born as, so what if they seek masculinization? You should be prepared for this possibility if you continue in this relationship. I’ve seen people lament the fact that their AFAB partner assured them earlier on that they wouldn’t seek medical therapy, but later on felt betrayed by the fact that their partner was transitioning to a more masc appearance.

11. Unfortunately you are trapped within the disconnect between gender and sexuality. You are attracted to a specific body type, which (unless your partner actually transitions, takes hormones, has surgery, etc) means that–by the standard definition–you are straight. Your partner sees sexuality as tied to gender, so because they identify a given way, your attraction to a specific body type doesn’t really come into it. I would say they are being a bit hypocritical within their own belief paradigm, because they are asking you to respect their identity (fair), but they are also trying to determine your identity. Theoretically, it should be no problem for someone who identifies as straight (you) to date someone who identifies as genderfluid (them), because identity is all about what one feels about themselves… but it seems like your current partner doesn’t think that way. So, unless you are willing to identify into another category for their needs, or unless they are willing to let you continue identifying with the sexuality that actually belongs to you, I don’t really see a way forward.

    ​

    Given that for a lot of non-binary/genderfluid people I know, the only thing that really changes is their outward appearance (in that they sometimes dress more masculine and sometimes more feminine, change their haircut, wear or not wear makeup)… their insistence on you changing your sexuality (or rather your sexual identity) is especially weird… but that is the world we live in now, especially with gen Zs such as yourself. You can try and have a talk about this, and get them to see that your identity doesn’t need to impact theirs (and that you can both respect each other’s identities), but–given you have already mentioned other bumps in the road, and within the first two months of dating (which is meant to be the trouble-free honeymoon period where everything is giddy and awesome–I really just would end things and look elsewhere.

12. i don’t know what’s with the comments. dating a non binary person means you’re in a queer relationship, and it’s okay to not be okay with it. it’s to not want to be in a queer relationship but it’s NOT okay to invalidate it.

13. I have mixed feelings about this. Like, no offense to the non binary and gender fluid crowd, but my impression is that they’re largely pretty gender conforming afabs who are never going to go on hormones or bind their chests etc etc in relationships with dudes who, until their current relationship, have really *never* been into men or really anyone besides women. So can you really say the dudes in question aren’t straight, removed academic queer theory aside? Quacks like a duck, etc. Like, at a certain point, it can be hard to argue that something is actually queer if the only real thing that maybe rocks the boat a little bit is a choice of hairstyle and using they/them pronouns. Yes, your bf is probably straight and if y’all break up, he’s probably just going to date women. I just wonder why they don’t specifically pursue bisexual dudes from the outset if this is such a concern instead of trying to wrangle a straight bf into a queer one.

    So, op, maybe sit down with them and be like “well I’m not comfortable saying I’m bi just because I’m into you” and put it in their court if they want to keep dating you.

    Idk, I just have not great experiences where one former dude friend literally used to make fun of butch/*actually* gender non conforming women right up until he started dating a pretty conventionally feminine nonbinary person and then he was all about “I’m so queer” riiiight until they broke up and he proceeded to make nasty comments specifically about their gender identity in the weeks that followed. I think I would have been a lot less disgusted with the situation if he had just said he was straight but was, you know, actually respectful of his partner and people who didn’t present as super conventionally feminine. Labels aren’t really a guarantee of behavior or understanding

14. Honestly, I’d be really pissed off and end up walking away from the relationship. I feel like something like this would be something you put on your profile or tell on the very first date. It DOES matter. You were under the impression that you were dating a straight woman the entire time. Not someone that flip flops between feminine and masculine looks/energy.

    This person decided to wait until you were emotionally involved to tell you. That’s wrong on every level and seems almost manipulative. If you don’t like the whole androgynous thing, this relationship isn’t for you.

    Personally, the fact that they didn’t disclose it early on would be a deal breaker for me. Don’t get me emotionally involved and then tell me something that I might not be okay with. I don’t like getting hurt like that.

15. Ok, so, the problem here is that they have the right to identify as whatever they want. However, they DO NOT get to tell you that you’re not straight just because they’ve suddenly decided they’re non-binary. That is grossly unfair. They don’t get to tell you your sexuality. It sounds like this is not for you, OP. This person sounds like their headspace is different than yours. I was in this kind of relationshipf or 10 years and, personally, as a gender conforming woman, I hated it. There is a whole lot more to it than just pronoun stuff, like, a WHOLE lot more. Imo, proceed with caution.

16. My only issue is your person attempting to define your sexuality in this conversation. It’s just as wrong for them to try to arbitrarily define you as it would be for you to define them.

17. Regardless of how this person identifies I’m willing to guess that they present completely female as far as appearance goes yes? Do they have any plans to transition via hormones/surgeries? If not I think it’s pretty wild for them to claim that you’re NOT straight. They sound a little delusional. And I am saying this as a transgender person myself. Honestly I think people like your partner give the rest of us a bad rep.

18. I mean, fuck them for trying to tell you your own sexual orientation. That’s not cool. You are what you are. Break up with them just for that.

    But also, yeah, don’t date someone whose gender you aren’t attracted to.

19. It’s fine to not be attracted to them anymore. You can still be friends if they can.

20. Some people care way too much about labels. This person sounds annoying as hell

21. I am genferfluid and I would never tell my straight fiance that he is not straight because he is attracted to me. When I had this conversation with my fiance it was established that he loves me for who I am, but that his sexual feelings are towards a specific appearance and anatomy. This is fine with me, but it may not be fine with every NB or GF person. Not every person expresses their gender in the same way. Many like to keep their outward appearance in line with their inner feelings and would feel hurt if their partner did not feel attracted to them if their outward gender expression changed.

    Wanting someone to love every facet of your being is normal.
    Not finding yourself comfortable with every facet of someone else’s being is also normal.

    If they desire a partner who is attracted to them no matter their gender expression (which is not quite the same as gender identity) you may not be that person. That is perfectly okay.

    They do not get to tell you how to identify. But you are both still growing. They are probably still learning how they feel and how their gender changes their interactions with the world.

    It sounds like the conversation was mostly about them and their feelings. You should take some time to think about how you feel and consider everything carefully before returning to the topic and making sure they know your feelings.

    And, again, it’s perfectly okay to find that your sexuality is tied to the inner gender of your partner and not just the outward gender expression. And it is perfectly okay for them to want someone who is attracted to their inner gender, not just their outer gender. And if those feelings conflict, it is no one’s fault.

22. This entire situation is a drama bomb connected to multiple proximity sensors and tripwires, strategically placed on your way from the bed to the toilet.

    This person waited two months to tell you you hadn’t in fact dated a woman and you’re not allowed to call yourself straight anymore. You can bet you’ll be expected to treat them as gender-fluid, which may or may not include using different pronouns, avoiding behaviors that would suggest they’re a woman, or validating their new gender. It’s very likely they’ll change the way they look, or behave, to better fit their idea of being queer. This changes your entire relationship; you’d pretty much be dating a completely different person with different expectation.

    And this is the best case scenario, with a charitable assumption that this person is actually sane and you’re not primed for the role of the evil homophobic cishet boyfriend or the meek “ally” sycophant. In that case you’ll never know what’s expected of you, because the rules will be deliberately fuzzy and unclear, and change as soon as you start to get them. How likely is that to happen? Hard to say, but again—this person let you think they’re a woman and date them for two months. Doesn’t look promising.

23. Worth noting here that the OP and their sweetheart are both 19 years old! Regardless of whether or not one person in the relationship is NB, this is an age where you’re still learning so much about yourself as a person – gender/sexuality just being one small part of the larger mosaic of identity. I say don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, if you two care for each other continue having conversations about it. Some things about the relationship will change, but others – the fundamental reasons why you get along, the things you have in common – will get richer.

24. It sounds like they might be worried that your identity as a straight person will invalidate their identity as non-binary. But it doesn’t have to.

    Are you still attracted to them? Do you still want to date them? If yes, have a conversation with them about what that might look like.

25. I’d Walk away from this one.

26. Two months is a really reasonable time to have this conversation, honestly – it would be a better world if those conversations could happen right away but frankly it’s not always safe to do that, and a queer person needs to get some sense of you and know you’re not going to, oh, say, murder them, before they tell you this kind of thing. I get why you’re feeling hurt but this is a case where their safety has to be the top priority here.

    That said, some people consider themselves straight while dating genderfluid people. Some people don’t. You can date them and still consider yourself straight. But: that may mean that *they* are not going to be willing to keep dating you. If you define yourself as 100% and only committed to dating women, and you are dating them, that may feel so invalidating of the times and ways in which they are *not* a woman that it would be really distressing for them and they can’t date you while you insist on only see them as a woman and defining yourself in relationship to them as you would to a woman.

    If that’s the case, it’s unfortunate, but you’re very early in dating them, you’ve discovered an incompatibility, and you can simply wish them well and move on.

27. Just break up. No possible way this would work out.

28. I’d just leave. Life is too short

29. I’m nonbinary. The only times I commented on my recent ex’s sexuality was in joking manner. He is a straight man. That’s how he identified before me, during our relationship, and since we broke up. That didn’t invalidate my identity.