I’m someone with a lot of friends (people tell me this), but deep down inside I’m actually a really toxic person.. I hate mixing my friend groups as I want to be the person always seen as the one with the most number of friends, and I just get so weirdly jealous and upset and annoyed and even angry when my friends make friends with my other friends (I’ve even avoided inviting friends to events with my other friends out of fear that they’ll become very good friends).
For example, my ‘best friend’ recently started talking to people in my other friend group (although they used to never interact) because of an event where they all came to support me. Shes started getting a lot closer to 2 of the guys in that friend group, now even texting them regularly and being in their telegram spams. Idk why I just feel really threatened when this happens, I guess deep down I’m scared that I’ll be replaced/ they get closer to each other than I am with them.
I know this is all absurd of me to do because I can’t control my friends and their decisions, so how do I take away this bitter feeling or impression that my friends are being taken away from me? Like I want to be everyone’s first choice and the be the closest to everyone. How do I become more secure in myself and not get so possessive or jealous over my social circles? How do I stop relying on external validation or being perceived as popular? WHATS WRONG WITH ME GUYS IM 18 AND IM STILL THIS CHILDISH and its so hard to control my feelings.. also I constantly feel the need to be better than people at least socially, do I have a superiority complex or something?
8 comments
OP, you don’t have a friend problem. You have a you problem. Reading this what it really comes down to is it sounds like you have an inferiority complex that you either try to hide and keep others from seeing or have not acknowledged yourself. You see very little value in yourself which is why you are afraid of being replaced.
I am not telling you to become arrogant and develop an ego, but the reality is if you don’t value yourself, nobody else will either. When you start to value yourself more those fears of being replaced will not be nearly as strong as they are now since people tend to keep what they value. Trust me if you’re a person of value, your friends aren’t going to get rid of you.
Also this whole having the most friends stuff is just stupid. You’re sacrificing quality over quantity. Just like you should want to value yourself, you should also want quality friends of good character. Who cares if you have a thousand friends if they’re all assholes who can’t be trusted, when you can have one good friend who would give you the shirt off their back.
hello! i have no advice, just wanted to pop in and say you’re not the only one feeling the same way 🙂 i actually mentioned this to a friend once, and she told me that if they were actual good friends, they would make sure i didn’t feel left out. idk, but def the problem lies within us HAHAH
Maybe you are worried you may lose them to each other
A lot of people (maybe most) feel this way, including me. It’s insecurity
It sounds to me like you had a past hurt where someone did replace you or use you to get closer to someone else. Like this could be a trauma response.
I love how self aware you are.
hey. you’re 18. i know you probably feel like you’re supposed to already be mature at that age but you’re just now truly learning how to be a real person. cut yourself some slack. it’s very mature of you to recognize this problem and be able to understand that it’s unproductive and not fair to feel this way. pat yourself on the back for being self aware and wanting to fix it. i’m much older than you and still feel this way sometimes honestly. when i get these feelings, i try to remind myself that i’m lucky to have so many close friends and friends who all get along with each other because they’re all good people who i really like. makes sense that they would like each other too. and that they’re good people who like me means i’m good people too.
good luck 💗
This reminds me of the first half of “clueless”.
There are two things out of your control
Social circles over lap.
You will not always be first choice to all your friends.
Some friends will eventually bond over shared experiences..
Especially as you get older and your friends have more and more unique experiences, like having children, travelling and similar careers.
It’s not something to be jealous of. It’s something to be proud of. You’re networking skills will lead to new great connections.
But that’s okay because you are gonna prioritise certain people too unless of course you keep spreading yourself thin by obsessing over collecting friends and in that case you will not get closer to anyone and eventually become unimportant
I know you don’t like it but you need to learn to overcome this because youre in a situation where everyone knows you and your true feelings kinda make you sound like a possessive jerk who is using your friends to sooth your low self esteem.
Therapy might help you with the anger if you thinking your feelings might build to a potential blow up.