Your child launches a three-phase assault on the kitchen to secure one cookie from the jar. Commander, what is your defense plan?

6 comments

1. Information will win this war, Lieutenant. Our target has not yet developed a theory of minds, and has no understanding that others can have information he cannot. We’ll use that to our advantage.

   Step 1: Move the cookie jar.

   Our target won’t suspect the switch, as he thinks knows where the cookie jar is, and as no ability to expect the subterfuge. While attempting to climb a chair to sneak a cookie off the usual spot on the top of the fridge, we’ll have special agent Mom standing to the side to casually ask, “What’chya doin, kid ?” So that he becomes aware that we are aware of his plans.

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   Mission log #1: An incident report has been brought to my attention. Step one has been successful, and the target has been unable to find the cookies. However, On the date of [redacted], 30 minutes after the completion of stage one, the target has given us an ultimatum. He will not eat anything that is not a cookie. We are concerned for the health of our target, as we know he is willful enough to actually make himself sick like this. Our target is a clever manipulator, Lieutenant. We need to move on to step two.

   Step 2: give the child a choice to distract them.

   Throughout the history of the tantrum wars, Moms have found the false choice a useful distraction tactic. Instead of refusing the cookie, we will offer the target a choice between a healthier cookie that they would not normally accept as a substitute, or additional TV time before dinner. Once the choice is made, the target’s attempts at resistance should end. The method is described more fully in the 4 subsection of chapter 6 in your parenting handbook. It’s a useful tactic and you should know it well.

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   Mission log #2: The battle is won, Lieutenant. The target is fully distracted by an episode of Bluey. Feel good soldier. You should be proud. The war is not over though. We need to shift our perspective torwards prevention of future conflict. The child will remember the cookie jar one day, and out tactics will become less useful as they become known. Are we prepared to move on to step three ?

   Step 3: The Healthy Cookie Transition.

   Our target is observant. It won’t be enough to suddenly switch the cookies permanently for a healthier options. His taste is perhaps his strongest sense at this stage in his development, and he will notice all but the most subtle changes. So the plan is this: find a healthy cookie recipe that special agent Mom is satisfied with. Over the next few weeks, you are expected to gradually swap out the ingredients, one at a time, in each new batch of cookies until the desired cookie has been attained. Well executed, an our target will have no idea the switch has been made. This is the most sensitive part of our plan Lieutenant. We need the most care here, in prevention. Report back to me in four weeks with the results. I expect good things from you. Pull this operation off, and you’ll make the history books. God speed, soldier!

2. Instead of trying to prevent my kid from getting cookies, I’d create a family culture of evaluating one’s own values and measuring that against the downsides and permitting my kid to make their own choice.

3. Give the kid a cookie if they say please.

4. I’d probably just give them the cookie. No need for such melodrama about it.

5. The cookies have already been poisoned by a spy in the ranks days earlier

6. [removed]