I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for almost 2 years now and he is an amazing human being. He listens to me, supports me, cares for my happiness, has all the qualities I would want in a partner.
When we started dating, it was supposed to last only a few months (some external, practical reasons). He was still not over his ex at the time and he had shared that with me. As it wasn’t supposed to last and I was very much into him, I tried to not let that ruin our time together. At this time, he talked to me about her as you would talk to a friend, not a (potential) girlfriend. So, I got a lot of details that hunt me to this day.
Later on, we realized we are a great match and decided to give it a try (despite, as I said, some external obstacles). I know he loves me a lot and he values the patience I had and the love and effort I put into him. I believe that made him love me.
But I am a very emotional person and my love language is words of affirmation. I want someone who is more romantically in love with me and shows it. Of course, I have explained this and made it clear several times. He has said that he’s not that good with romantic things but that he really loves me. It hurts me because I feel like I am not asking for much. Since he told me the things he loves, I haven’t stop doing them. Even though it was not my way of expressing love. What mattered was making him feel happy and loved.
Also, I know for a fact he has been romantic with his ex because he had told me that. The way he spoke about her.. I have never heard him speak about me in that way. As per him and some mutual friends she was toxic and didn’t care for him as much as he did. They didn’t have a future, but it was a passionate and addictive relationship.
I know comparing relationships is unhealthy and toxic, which is why I first communicated my needs without bringing up his ex. But it hasn’t really worked out. He keeps saying he doesn’t realize what he’s doing wrong. That he feels he is loving enough with me. It gets me so frustrated because usually we sort things out with talking and I feel like I shouldn’t beg for a more verbal and affectionate love expression.
I understand people have their guards up after a toxic relationship and it takes time to trust and love someone again. But I gave space and time and love. And he acknowledges that and knows I sticked with him. He is in a good place now and says I am the most amazing person, the one he wants future with. I know he is capable of romance, then aren’t I worth it? Why do I have to be punished because some other girl did him wrong? I feel like he will never love me as passionately as her. Now I am at a point where I am spiraling so much and especially because he hasn’t put in the effort even after I asked.
Well, I would love to hear some perspectives and opinions.
Note: I went through some similar posts and many people go on about give it time, he loves you in a different way, he has been hurt, etc. I considered all that and acted accordingly. Now what about my feelings? And my emotional needs not being met?
Tl;dr: Although my boyfriend is amazing, I feel he is not fulfilling my emotional needs by loving me more romantically. I have communicated it several times, but nothing has changed. I feel as he will never love me the way he loved for his ex. I’m getting sad and frustrated.
6 comments
Chances are he only speaks about the romantic stuff in past tense, to others he trusts, and not to her either
>my emotional needs not being met
what are they though ? Like, if you had to describe them as accurately as you could, what would you say could make you “satisfied” ?
on an other note, something to keep in mind when comparing your relation with the one with his ex : infatuation isn’t love. Disney love where people have feelings that would move mountains, that’s not love. Also, sometimes it’s because a relation is dysfunctionnal that people express excessive affection (you mentionned his exs toxicity).
The more you go through relationships (and hopefully learn from them), the less demonstrative and the more thoughtful you become. I used to write poems to my ex, now I’m learning to cook italian food for my girlfriend.
GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR SANITY!!!!
Some of this is familiar to me from the beginning of my current relationship. We’re only 2 years in so take this as you will.
My bf is an introvert in many ways. He is shy. He blushes. When he has to say something emotional it’s like he is choking on his words.
I am less so. I like to say everything right when I feel it, except when I’m mad and I need time to process. Like you, I also required affirmation and a lot of comfort at the beginning of our relationshipS I was fresh out of a scary situation/divorce and he was there for me in so many incredible ways.
That said, his struggle with relationships seems to be setting his own boundaries and articulating himself when his needs aren’t being met. He is also slow to get to know people and let himself love. My biggest fear was that he would be with me just to be with someone, or he’d fall out of love and not tell me.
Our energy was mismatched at the beginning. I wanted everything in life to happen all at once, like drinking from a firehose. I fell for him hard and fast and I wanted that reciprocated. Who wouldn’t want to feel like I felt? I thought I had discovered something magical about life that he should discover too.
It took a lot of work for me to calm the fuck down and let him be who he is. I had to do trust exercises where I would refuse to initiate certain things and wait patiently for him to do it on his own time.
Sometimes it would bubble up and I’d cry. He’d listen and honestly share his thoughts and feelings.
The more I learned to let go and just let things happen the better. I kept communicating my feelings and being my lovey dovey self. He gradually kept increasing his verbal expression and shows his love with acts of service.
He spent the last week trying to figure out how to mount my 14 ft. kayak in his garage.
He does come up with date ideas, and he acts on things he knows I will love. I just had to get my brain to trust him. From my past experience, with family and and my abusive ex husband, this was a tough mountain to climb. But everything in me told me he was worth it.
I recommend meditation and therapy. My guess is that the foundation you built your relationship on was specifically that it was “not real.” I think you’re having a fear response to trusting in the shift to partnership.
Honey, you’ve expressed your needs repeatedly and nothing has changed.
That’s it. That’s the post. That’s all you need.
Why would you continue trying to change someone, knowing they cannot and will not change without *wanting* to change.
Leave.
If you have been as clear with him as you’ve been with us, there’s no grey areas. He knows what he needs to do to make you feel loved and he just *does not do it*.
How much longer are you going to waste time just waiting to be treated the way you want and need?
If you’ve communicated what your needs are, and he hasn’t been able to consistently change them, then I think at this point you’re pretty much just stuck with the fact that he’s not able to meet your specific requests around verbal affirmations, physical intimacy, and gifts. Could be a lot of reasons why, and his intentions to do it may be well-meant, but it’s something you simply are not going to get from him in the long term. If he could make this kind of change at this point, he would have.
You’re not doing anything wrong – and he’s not necessarily doing anything wrong either. But his current capacities to do these things simply may not be at the level you need them to be at, even if he was able to do them in the past in another situation. A limitation in his own capacities isn’t “punishing” you, but it also isn’t necessarily something either of you can overcome by wanting it hard enough.
At this point I think you need to either decide you can be happy with the ways he *does* show you love and truly let go of resentment about the things he doesn’t do, or you can decide that your needs are never going to be met in a way that you can be happy with in this relationship and you can leave. Either would be a reasonable choice. But staying, continuing to resent him, and continuing to have the same conversation with him endlessly, isn’t going to get you anywhere or make either of you happy.