I’m not sure how else to word this, my husband is about 15 years older than myself. When we met he was open to having sex often, I have a very high sex drive, but rarely did it happen. My previous relationships both parties were able to communicate and initiate having sex. Now I feel like I’m just always begging for it, most nights end in myself taking care of things. He complains he doesn’t have time after work, but while I’m finishing off the days tasks after work, school and household things he sits in his man cave playing video games. Often doesn’t come to bed till 2 in the morning and is to tired to even “help.”
I’ve voiced my needs and desires multiple times, but nothing is changing. This morning he “tried to initiate things” which was really just him watching videos till he got hard and then asked me to stimulate him from there. I wasn’t even close to being ready to have sex, but he wanted to just stick it in! I got frustrated and told him that isn’t how this shit works, I’m not even ready. He just rolled back over and said ok and acted like nothing happened. I just ended up crying under the blankets. I’m at a loss for what to do. We have sex maybe 2 times a month, and he denies that it’s that infrequent often. I’m frustrated, angry and so confused. Any advice?
I’m 31F hes 45M. We met through friends when I was 22 and started dating when I was 26, married when I was 28.
36 comments
Couples counseling with speciality with intimacy issues. Husband sounds more selfish than inept. Good luck.
I’ve been in this situation. With an ex.
It ended ugly and didn’t last long. But I also wasn’t married and didn’t have kids at the time, so it wasn’t a super hard decision for me.
I mean if you guys love each other, suggest relationship counseling, there may be an underlying reason. Maybe it’s just simply you two aren’t on the same page with sex.
In a happy relationship, both parties are sexually attracted to each other and will do what they’re comfortable with to satisfy each other.
Sounds like you two just aren’t going to be sexually compatible.
This won’t improve. He’s not interested in making this work, he’s avoiding bedtime to avoid sex
Get out now before you are too depressed
This will slowly break you inside, because sex is about so much more than just sexyness: it’s togetherness, bonding, feeling loved, feeling desired, comfort, mending and healing, AND HE DOESN”T WANT ANY OF THAT WITH YOU
Admit this marriage was a mistake. Break up and date someone else instead. Pick someone your own age this time.
Did you at all date before marriage, it sounds like it was an arrangement.
Get his attention out of his man cave, away from the videos and take control of his hands for example with some talking if you can. guide him during some foreplay, if not then you need to be having conversations..which isnt sexy at all.
Genuine question, why did you marry him?
[deleted]
If you’re in your early-mid 20s, which I assume you are, get divorced. Marrying someone 15 years older than you was always a stupid thing to do and he never really wanted anything other than someone he could control, because that’s why men in their 30s and 40s marry women a decade younger than they are.
If you’re older, do couples counseling.
He’s probably watching porn, taking care of himself, and becoming impotent.
So he needs porn to get hard and he spends all night playing video games every day?
It sounds more like he is using you to get off whenever he wants. And he has some type of addition to video games and maybe even to porn? Why would he need porn? His brain is wired weird.
I don’t think this is going to change and he won’t change. It good take a lot from him to change and he would want to change. You are most likely also incompatible in terms of sex drive anyway.
I’ve been stuck in this position before, and it went way longer than I should have allowed it to. I suppose I coped by internalizing it and blaming myself. Six long years later, I found out he had no trouble having sex with other girls – just me. 🙃 Not saying you’re in the same situation, but it’s not promising. People forget that love is an intentional action – not just a feeling. He isn’t showing you the love you need and deserve. You shouldn’t be an afterthought or a chore.
I’m not a doctor, but kinda sounds like a testosterone issue. Either that or porn addiction but you said he doesn’t masturbate? Just watches a video to get hard? I feel like if a video gets him hard but you don’t, he’s probably dependent on porn for arousal. A lot of men have that issue. Also if he’s on medications, that might have something to do with it. Just trying to I throw out some possibilities for things that could cause some improvement. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
There are a lot of comments telling you to simply leave while you can, those might be right but of course it’s a cold cut case.
Communication seems to be very difficult for the two of you, there’s obviously a lot of expectation on either side and neither of you want to disappoint the opposing party. I would seek out a couples therapist or even a sex therapist that could help break the ice when it comes to solid communication.
Most of the time sex has nothing to do with a physical nature of it and 99% of the time it’s psychological. That mental part is what the two of you need to work on, and grow closer on. A licensed therapist would know how to help you guys do this.
My 2 cents for what it’s worth.
Sounds like a testosterone issue or he’s insecure or both. Maybe convince him to get some viagra type meds. It may help him get over the hurdle and not be so worried about getting erect and hopefully over time he won’t have to take them anymore. It seems like he was really trying but just couldn’t get it up.
You’re married to a low libido selfish man child. Do you really want to be married to such a person?
You’ve made a choice to live life on the hardest difficulty.
He will always be biologically fifteen years older than you. His ageing isn’t slowing down, and you’re not going to catch up. You are in different stages of human life, and you always will be. The difference is only going to get more pronounced as he advances. These incompatible lifestyle expectations are a look ahead at every phase of life that he’s going to go through fifteen years before you do.
You have mid 20s needs and expectations, and a 40 year old lifestyle. This was always going to be the biological reality. You need to decide if that’s the life you want to lead. Ideally you’d come to these realizations before getting married.
A very similar question was posed here the other day – here’s my response to them: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/tol6gv/age_gap_relationships/i26n64i/?context=3
Is your husband overweight? My husband was like this for a long time and it was very frustrating. He started working out regularly and is taking lots of vitamin drinks and work out suppliments and our sex life is much better than it was when he was eating a lot of junk food and not taking care of himself physically. He lost about 30 pounds in the process.
Depending on how old you are, 15 years is a big sexual milestone gap. This honestly sounds like ED. When he was ready, he wanted it quickly and instead of warming you up he gave up. This could explain the change from lots to almost none. I’m not sure how to broach this subject so I’d suggest learning more about it and coming to the conclusion if it sounds like what he’s dealing with.
Best of luck to you! Remember differing libidos isn’t the end of a relationship, you just have to communicate and be honest
Age gap must be playing role here as it is clear he is at different stage of his life than you and it shows that sex is not that important for him anymore while sex is very important part for you. Sexual incompatibility is something you should not compromise over. This married life can be only worked out if he tries to meet you half way otherwise rethink on your married life with him. You should be able to get enough sex in relationship without begging sex from him. You have a thing to worry so sooner you do something to fix this better it will be for you.
Make him make you cum for the next thirty days
Or
Divorce
Just simply need help…
Divorce
How are you married and just finding this out?
He’s older. Libido goes down with age. Might be worth taking him to the dr and have them run some blood work to see if anything is off. Could be low testosterone, maybe get some viagra
He’s 15 years older than you and his sex drive is likely in decline due to age. This isn’t going to get better. You’ll have to decide if this is a deal breaker. You might also try a counselor or sex therapist. Maybe I’m just cynical, but I see so many posts in this sub where women marry men that are 15+years older than them and it always seems like these people shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place judging off what they put in their posts/comments You are at two different places in life. In 15 years you will be in your 40s and he’ll be in his 60s and almost a senior citizen.
You married an older man for some kind of security clearly. Accept what you have , can’t have it all.
how did you not know he was this type of person before you married him? did you not even try to see if he cared about your needs from the start? you mean you had a high sex drive and it rarely happened for the 2 years you dated him, and somehow you thought things would magically just work out?
What’s to know? You slap her titties some, stick it inside her and pee. Unless you don’t want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg
I hate to say it, but your husband sounds like a selfish manchild.
Unfortunately at his age, it’s very unlikely that he will change. Time for a long hard look at this marriage and decide if you think it’s worth fighting for.
There is always, *always* a huge age gap in these posts. I’m beginning to think that may be contributing to the problems you people have.
He’s just a selfish lover, or he may just be crap in the sake. Get him to read the book ‘She comes first’
>him watching videos till he got hard and then asked me to stimulate him from there. I wasn’t even close to being ready to have sex, but he wanted to just stick it in!
This isn’t working. Find a boyfriend closer to your age.
Seek therapy, both together and alone for him. He might very well have depression
I’m very concerned that he wanted to watch videos instead of getting stimulation from foreplay with you. I say dump this guy and move on.
From reading the comments, I’d say OP is just naive.
Honestly, I think you should leave. He sounds mean, disrespectful, and uncaring about your pleasure. Physical intimacy is a huge part of relationships and its important that your partner communicates and cares! My ex husband was not too intested in sex (he was cheating and getting it elsewhere 🙄) and I left him (for that and other things.)
Im 31 as well and now dating a 27 year old with an incredible sex drive, who is sweet as can be, and who cares about my pleasure. Sex is a big part of love and relationships and should be treated with care and meaning!! I’m willing to bet your husband will only get worse, what you’ve said seems like a lot of red flags!
Listen to your intuition and remember you deserve love and affection—good luck!