Screaming in my face during an argument while I was making dinner. How am I supposed to respond to that? He’s done it a few times before, all during arguments where he is accusing me of only caring about myself. He knows I don’t like it but he says I’m worse because I’m slob and selfish. I’ve told him in the past these words hurt me but he says he says them because he feels hurt by my actions, for example I don’t clean up when he tells me to. I’m not the most organized person but I’m not sure how I’m selfish but sometimes I start thinking he’s right. Can someone give me advice on what I should say or how I should handle the relationship moving forward?
31 comments
“I can see that I haven’t established proper boundaries with you. So moving forward yelling at me and calling me names is not acceptable.” there you go, should do the trick….all you gotta do after that is enforce your boundary. What do you do to enforce your boundaries, once you have clearly established them?
If he’s anything like my ex-husband he’ll still be behaving this way in a decade.
Honey, you’re not going to find a single person on here that will give you any other advise but to leave him. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
There is no moving forward. There is only moving out. This is abuse and it will only get worse.
What you should say? “Goodbye” Sorry you are being abused. Get out of there.
Leave. Just leave. He’s verbally abusive and manipulative. LEAVE.
Unacceptable behavior – break up – end of story
You leave. That’s how you respond to degrading abuse. You leave.
How did you not break up the first time he screamed at you and called you selfish?
How desperate are you exactly?
This is abuse. Kick him out, change the locks, and block him everywhere. If you stay, it will get worse. Way worse.
Using someone else’s behavior to justify one’s own bad behavior is bullshit. The fact that he thinks he has the right to berate and punish you because he doesn’t like something you’ve done or said (or not done/said) is fucked up. There’s no coming back from that ,and he doesn’t want to anyway. He sees nothing wrong with his outrageous behavior!
You leave a verbally abusive person. You haven’t left yet; he will continue to say it.
This is pure abuse and manipulation. This is not normal on his end. If this post is real, please leave this man. This sounds like a norm for him which is very scary and bound to escalate
Stay safe
You don’t deserve this level of abuse from ANYONE. This is the ONLY life we get. Please know that even being by yourself is better than being with someone who treats you like they actively hate you. And imagine if your best friend came to you saying they were treated this way- or if you saw your own mother be talked to this way. Nothing you do deserves this level of name calling and abuse. Please choose to believe you deserve SO much better than this and that he is completely unworthy of anything from you.
End this abusive relationship ASAP. It will only get worst…
He’s trying to control you by saying things you’ve specifically stated you don’t like. Does he clean? Contribute? Is he cooking at all? If not, what does he do? Does he not have two hands?
If any of those questions make you think you might get hurt or yelled at more aggressively—you should leave. Period.
OP he is almost 50 years old and decides to yell and hurl insults when having a disagreement. Is this someone you actually wanna give your time and affection to? If he cannot act his age and have a respectful discussion or communicate in a healthy way, you may wanna start looking into dating men that act their age and not like an angry preteen who just got his gaming system taken away.
In the comments when people are telling you to leave him, you’re telling them what he says to you and how he calls you selfish for having a boundary about your self respect. It doesn’t matter what he says. You are trying to reason with someone whose manipulating you. He’s not stupid or unable to understand you. He wants to blame you for mistreating you. There is no way you can expect accountability and common sense from this person. You need to focus on yourself instead of learning how to walk on eggshells to make him stop abusing you because that’s not how it works. It just doesn’t.
Please just break up with him. And get some counseling to repair your self esteem.
Please, please please learn from my mistakes. I am literally at this very moment lying on my sister’s couch after escaping my verbally and emotionally abusive husband a few hours ago. I’m listening to my dog howl and cry because she’s missing her brother, my other dog. He’s not here because my husband pushed me out the door with half my bags and only one of my dogs and locked the deadbolt. I then heard my dog inside crying and whining, and then nothing. Silence.
I called the police and they came and basically said there is nothing they can do since he wouldn’t open the door or respond. Their suggestion was to wait until he leaves at some point (eventually) and try to sneak inside while he’s out. Hopefully my dog is still alive and unhurt. Hopefully I can get him without being hurt myself.
I should have left last time. I should have left the time before that. I should have left the first time it got physical. I should have left the first time I felt truly scared. I should have left the very first time. I will never forgive myself if my dog isn’t ok. Please don’t put yourself in a situation where you’ll live with regret forever, or where you might not live at all.
A relationship should never feel like a chore, or worse, dangerous and degrading. And the person you choose to be with is choosing to be with you through thick and thin, faults and all, and should be willing to communicate with care. It seems to me that your boyfriend feels empowered by making you feel small. You should never EVER have to feel that way. Unfortunately, from my own experience, gaslighting like this isn’t something that goes away, and from what you’re describing the abuse has been persistent and scary even as you’ve attempted to set boundaries and stick up for yourself. I know it may seem difficult to end this cycle but you deserve a partner who treats you with love and respect and who makes you feel good about yourself… who will ask to lend a hand and make sure you’re ok, instead of making you feel like you’re not doing enough.
This will not get better… …he gets mad because… you..don’t…clean…up…WHEN HE TELLS YOU TO? Is he physically handicapped ? Why can’t he help? Why is he abuseively bullying you?
My ex used to do that to me all the time, too. I came out of an abusive family who constantly criticized me about everything … and he fit right in/gave me the same kinds of emotional abuse they did.
One night five years in … when he started yelling at me at my job and then he punched me in the face. He’d swung at me before and threatened me a ton more than that before he finally lost his shit and actually hit me.
Needless to say, I left that same night!
Don’t let this go on for years! Leave now! It’s not going to get better!!
This is what verbal abuse looks like
“I treat you like this because of the things you do”
Eff that! You could be exactly the person he says you are and, you still wouldn’t deserve to be talked to like that.
In what way are you selfish, are you? Being hurt is no excuse for calling you names.
If he calls you a slob and a C, he does not love you, why do you think he is staying with you? He say’s you are worse than what? Him?
Verbal abuse is still abuse. Abusers need to tear you down so they will feel safer and in control. He tells you to clean up- and probably doesn’t do anything. Abuse takes predictable patterns. You could read about it, and there are many movies on the behavior.
Women’s shelters and those with programs for women can educate, warn, and support you.
I am feeling that he is already trying to convince you that you are such a disappointment to him that he is doing you a favor by pointing out where you need improvement. You don’t. He does,
The time may come when you have nothing left to protect yourself, Act now.
I agree with everyone telling you to leave him. If you can’t work up the nerve to do that, then get yourself into therapy. Not couples therapy ( it won’t help with an abuser) but therapy for you, to start healing the part of you that thinks that sort of treatment is in anyway ok. I’m glad you’ve told him to stop, but you haven’t left him yet… so part of you thinks you have to take it. I’m not blaming you, I’m wanting you to see that something in your life taught you that this is acceptable behavior… that’s the part you want to dig into, and shift that belief. A good therapist can help you love yourself enough that you will never tolerate abusive behavior.
We are all rooting for you! You are worth so much better
Not all swearing is an immediate indication of an abusive relationship. Sometimes it comes from a place of disappointment or feeling that something is not right. It does not justify it though. Try having a constructive talk about why he said those things and what he likes to see from you when things are okay between the two of you. Specifically ask him to take those words back and mention the consequences if he does it again. Also give an indication of what behaviour you expect from him. Start small (e.g. what can I do to make your life better when you come home from a long day) and move from there. Best of luck!
This is definitely verbal and emotional abuse-it is likely to become more frequent and could escalate to physical at some future point. He has told you who he is—believe him. If you don’t want this between now and dead, then take the necessary steps to prepare for your eventual exit from the relationship. Don’t make any threats or ultimatums, just prepare financially, physically and emotionally, and when you’re ready, don’t spend a lot of time explaining or listening to apologies, just let him know and do it.
Leave. No other advice. You deserve better.
This is some juvenile shit for a 40y/o.
He’s 46, this is him, who he is, he’s not going to change or grow out of it.
You have 2 options, either accept this behaviour from him forever or leave him.