Newly married. My husband doesn’t seem to desire me sexually

15 comments

1. Don’t sit on this, take action and talk to him, demand that he talks to you about these things, you have the right to do so, your have both promised each other “til death do us part”.

   There’s no magic bullet, grab it by the horns before it develops into resentment.

2. He’s either [asexual](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality) or gay.

   You report that you asked if he is “not attracted” to you. Apparently, you haven’t asked whether he wants to have sex. But by now, it’s for sure that he doesn’t.

3. As soon as he feels better from what? Does he have some medical or mental stuff going on?

4. As soon as he feels better from what? Does he have some medical or mental stuff going on?

5. If he has had sex before and he went without sex for a year. He could have developed coping mechanisms and intentionally worked to lower his libido. Making it so he doesn’t pressure you before marriage. These intentional behaviors to make it so he isn’t pushing you for sex are not going to be unlearned over night.

   It happened to me in my first marriage. We waited till we were married however we still made out, and manually helped eat other. We however stopped doing any of that between when we got engaged and when we got married. This crippled out sexual relationship, we both learned habits to stop the lust. Sad to say we never completely unlearned those habits. I found that I could not just turn off those habits and feeling of resentment for 9 months of sexual frustration. For example, we stopped making out and touching as much. Cause touching lead to mutual masterbation or handjobs. And neither of us wanted to get horny because god. We never got that part back in our 7 years of marriage. Cause we intentionally amputated it from our relationship. And we didn’t have the communication skills to bring it back.

   As someone who has had a high sex drive. Yes You can work to lower that drive. However there are consequences.

   This could have nothing to do with you and your husband but it affected me and my life.

   TLDR: my love of god killed my sex life in my first marriage. Now I am an atheist.

6. Didn’t you try to have some foreplay with him to see.if he is getting into the Mood.

   If he still refuses for Sex then he’s got a problem…

7. I am wondering… Why would you commit to a lifelong marriage if you don’t even know if you’re sexually compatible with your SO?

   But anyways, that’s for you to think about. I would simply ask your husband.

8. Maybe he is afraid to “fail” again as in the first time you tried and is afraid to try again or what the implications might if he consistently cant get it up. Maybe he needs more security. Regardless sounds like a lot of talking to be done.

9. Has he had sex before? If so, do you know how experienced he is? On the wedding night it can come with a lot of pressure, especially knowing you’re a virgin and wanting to do it “right.” And when that didn’t work out as hoped/lived up to your hopes he might be even more nervous.

   I would try talking to him about what’s holding him back and what you can do to help make him more comfortable/get in the mood. If he isn’t very experienced talk to him about nerves, you’re both allowed to be nervous as fuck and the first time is likely not gonna be very magical or great. Sex is like any skill, it takes practice to get good and you two need to learn what the other likes – and probably also what you like yourselves.

   I’d try and make room for the nerves and the awkwardness and make sure my partner feels safe to fail. That it’s a longer project that we’d be working on together.

10. “……as soon a I feel better” from what, from just being a newlywed. Either he sits down and explain what is happening……..or……couples counseling, or …… the other way (divorce i mean). Love making/ sex, is as important as other things. Usually this happens during the girlfriend/boyfriend period.

11. Religious people often have a tough time switching from “if you have sex you’re going to hell”, suddenly to “now you’re married you’re supposed to want sex and love sex!”

    You said it’s been 3 weeks, and that you tried once but he couldn’t stay hard. He may well have been too tired or nervous the first time, and now he’s worried about performing, and he’s dealing with the religious guilt and shame surrounding sex. He is probably too embarrassed to admit any of this to you.

    You need to let him take his time, but also talk about these things!

12. Sounds like performance anxiety to me. If he tried and failed to stay hard the first time, that embarrassed feeling may stay around a bit. Try and get him comfy with the idea of not staying hard, and just working it out and having fun anyhow.

    But that’s all a guess.

13. Tried once and couldn’t stay hard. Maybe he’s not into girls (aka gay). If the marriage is not consummated you can annul the marriage. Sex is a vital part of marriage. Without it there is nothing.

14. The hardest part of marriage is talking about the things you don’t want to talk about. You just have to rip the bandaid and talk. You may have to be blunt. “I love you more than anything, but I am currently unhappy in our relationship because of our lack of sex. I need this to improve and I know we are both at a loss of what to do. We need help.”

    Try therapy together (a non religious therapist).

15. Have you ever considered this as a potential outcome, when you decided with withhold sex before marriage ?