TL:DR – Broke up with my (31m) long-term girlfriend (26f), after she emotionally cheated on me for months. She didn’t want to break up and wants to talk, but I’ve asked for at least a month of no contact. What to do about potential future communication?
G’day y’all.
I’ve copied a bunch of this post (context etc) from a previous post of mine, but I’m after some different advice.
Context:
I’ve just gone through a quite messy breakup with my long-term girlfriend of almost 6 years. In the last 12 months, I could feel us becoming a bit stagnant / stuck in routine, which I chalked up to the fact she was busy with uni and I was busy with work. Although I felt this, I didn’t think it to be a massive issue for us, rather just a hump in our relationship, which we both believed was destined for marriage, kids, old age. I believed that once she was done with uni and we were on the same schedule / had more time for each other, we could regain some normalcy in the relationship. As it turns out, this was weighing much more on her, than it was on me.
Throughout this time, she became closer and closer with a uni “friend” (who also has a long term partner), which led to more and more deception in our relationship. Although I knew they were mates and were talking a lot, I was always somewhat suspicious of his (and her) intentions, and the true extent of their relationship. She would avoid talking about him, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt, as they were studying the same subjects, and people can have friends at uni. Shit hit the fan when I found that she was lying about him being on a uni exchange with her (she assured me she was only going with one of her girl mates). After weeks of fighting, she admitted she was attracted to him, although promised that nothing had happened between them beyond just a close (albeit inappropriate, due to the deception of it all) friendship. She said she understood where I was coming from, accepted that she had fucked up badly, said she wanted to do the right thing / gain my trust, and promised to end their friendship / stop talking with him.
Over the next few months, we were not in a great place. I caught her continuing to message him, deleting messages, and minimising their interactions, and I ended up becoming super suspicious of her all the time. Whenever I brought up my concerns about the situation, and said I couldn’t believe that she had truly cut contact like she was saying she had, she would regularly reassure me that she hadnt talked to him at all, that she had cut him off, that she wasnt hiding anything. We went as far as seeing a specialist couples counsellor to work on the issue, as I felt neither of us were equipped with the tools to regain trust properly and move forward in a healthy way.
As it turns out, the whole time she was still talking to him frequently, going out for drinks with him, going around to his house for dinners, going on road trips to the beach with him, going to the movies with him – all while lying to my face about it, fabricating stories about her activities, promising me nothing was happening, and saying she was onboard for working through our issues. Even went to his house for dinner the day after our first couples counselling session. Ugh.
Funnily, when this first came up (when I found out he was on the uni exchange with her), I made a throwaway reddit post here asking for advice on what to do. There were some comments with some great insightful advice, but the overwhelming majority of replies were super dark – that she was fucking this guy, that I was a total fool for even considering working on it with her etc etc. I was super vulnerable at the time, and some of the replies really took a toll on me – how could these awful things that were being said apply to me, my girlfriend, and our beautiful relationship? Obviously any relationship issues/dynamics are going to be infinitely more complex than you can summarise in a reddit post, and while I don’t fully agree with (or appreciate) many of those more toxic replies – hats off to you guys. You called it when I was blind to it.
I broke up with her a couple of weeks ago, which has been hugely uncomfortable as we had all our plans for our future, lived together, had pets etc. Going from sleeping next to your loving partner one night, to being devastatingly betrayed by them and being alone the next, is a bloody awful experience.
Post-Break Up:
I know she is also really upset about everything, now that she is feeling the full weight of her actions – kicked out of our apartment, back living with her mum in the outer-suburbs, no car, estranged from all our mutual friends etc. After she came to pick up the majority of her things from our apartment, I blocked her on socials to give me some space to heal. She has made it clear that she is keen to talk to me at some stage about it all, but I said I want at least a month before I hear from her / consider talking with her about anything.
I’m keen for some advice about what to do regarding talking to her / future communications. Right now, a big part of me wants answers and explanations that could validate what happened so I can make sense of it all. However, I know that she wasn’t able to be honest with me while we were dating, so there isn’t much point thinking I will get the whole truth now. Another part of me is thinking that the damage is done, it’s totally irreparable, and there is no point digging for answers – it would only be extending my heartbreak. I also think that agreeing to talk would essentially be giving her a platform to say what she wants to say, assisting her healing process but potentially diminishing mine.
Given the situation, is there any potential benefit in talking with her, or leaving the option open for future communication when I feel I’ve healed? Or is this something I should just be focusing on fully putting behind me, and cutting her out of my life completely and permanently?
45 comments
>Right now, a big part of me wants answers and explanations that could validate what happened so I can make sense of it all.
you dont need that from her. its always the same stuff
Whatever she tells you can be just lies and deflections. You already know her words are completely worthless. You should stay in no-contact with her.
Based on your post, no, there is not any benefit in talking to her *right now*. However, that may change in the future. I wouldn’t slam the door on future communication, but you should make it clear if/when it will be on your terms and your timing.
Fuck man. I am so sorry. Reading that, it fucking sucked. You were gaslit, and used. People like her want to get back together not because they miss you but because they miss what you meant – a place to stay, someone to be there for her. It’s all about what you do for her. This isn’t the type of person you’d even want to be your friend, is it? Is there any benefit in having her still in your life? I think personally it would be easier to move on if you cut her out, what do you think? It’ll also be easier to move on if your horrible ex wasn’t in the background, you know? I’m sure your future partners would prefer that too.
Guy, you already know the answer. She can’t be trusted and you are wanting her to say ‘Sorry’. But she just wants to save face. Move on.
Closure is an important thing to have.
But it doesn’t sound like she’s volunteering closure when she says she wants to talk. It sounds more like she wants to try to fix her life situation and escape the consequences of her actions.
Depending on how mentally and emotionally prepared you are to talk to her, you can if you want to.
I would practice these words: “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.”
If she tries to say things like “okay, you made your point, now how do we fix this, what do I need to do to get you back” or anything along those lines: repeat your line. If she ignores it and keeps going: repeat your line. If she ignores it and keeps going: repeat your line. Repeat it until she gets it.
Or, if the conversation doesn’t go that way…then maybe you get your closure.
Or… if you’re not ready yet, that’s totally fine. You didn’t say permanent no contact. You set a timeframe. She can wait.
Those are some options for you.
I wouldn’t recommend permanent no contact unless you are permanently not ready to talk to her again. Or if you try repeating your line and she just never gets it.
Seriously, you have taken back your self respect, a weight has been lifted. You may want answers, but you really don’t. What would they do, provide closure? They just extend the pain. The best advice is now you have broken up is to have a clean break. Go out, enjoy time with your friends, go on dates and start hobbies. Join the gym. She broke your trust, she lied, gas lit, and even if she promised you the world, could you trust her again? I would just cut her off, not even let her have a platform and just block everywhere. Good luck going forward.
I think you already have all the answers you need: her feelings for this guy and her desire to pursue the connection she felt with him ultimately proved stronger than what she had with you. Hashing it out yet again isn’t going to give you any new insights. And there’s no point in trying to maintain a friendship with someone who’s repeatedly lied to you and dismissed your feelings. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions on her own, and keep moving forward with your life.
Hard to see that as it’s happened to me. Best thing to remember is she doesn’t deserve your time again. It’s best you continue to cut all ties and communications. Even with your history as a couple. It’s something I battled through but I’m much better off now. You will be okay, I promise you.
You say it was emotional cheating but are you sure it wasn’t physical as well?
I don’t think there is anything to gain from talking to her. She’s already proven herself to be deceitful and lie and gaslight you, so she will most likely do that again, and probably escalate it because she wants back what she had. She has motive to continue. And even if she told you the truth, because she has been so dishonest in the past, deep down I think you’ll always have doubts about what she now tells you. Essentially, any communication with her is going to end up in a mind fuck.
It’s probably too raw for you to see this. You have a whole lot of questions and confusion and emotions whirling around and you’re hoping that at least she can take some of that away. She won’t. And in time you’ll figure out the answers you need yourself, or move on and not worry about them.
Do you want to talk to her?
Ghost her and stay ghosted. She ain’t worth the time. Give her no closure.
You already know everything you NEED to know bro. She had feelings for this guy, hid them, lied to you, manipulated you, and come on, most likely had sex with him multiple times. The ideas she would go over to his house all those times and it wasn’t physical? Doesn’t ring true. She wants closure, you pierced the affair fog for her, her life is messed up, and she’s upset. I would go NC with her, you have closure, u know all u need to know.
I’d also find this dudes gf and tell her what’s happening between them. She was monkey branching to this guy and kept u as a roommate. You deserve better.
Move on, tell her thatyou have no desire to talk to her, that her actions and choices spoke loud enough, and to never contact you again.
From what I’ve read, this wasn’t emotional cheating, this was physical cheating. Just move forward, don’t look back.
Yeah I wouldn’t put myself thru the guilt trip that is coming your way
Her life has now been inconvenienced and the easiest way to fix that is to put you back on the roster
However you will never be the only one on that roster so thank her for the happy memories but it’s time you parted ways completely.
There’s no point in looking for answers from her because she will never tell you the full truth. She lied to you the entire time about her relationship with this guy while you were dating. She was full on cheating on you with this guy right under your nose and felt no Shane about it. You can look for answers if you want but you probably won’t like what you find out. Also, do not ever take her back. She deceived you into thinking you guys were working on your relationship, all while going and hooking up with this guy at the same time.
At this point just move on as it’s clear she’s has a habit of lying and manipulating you so why should you believe anything she says now? She clearly cannot be honest or trusted with anything she says. If she actually feels bad then she can find a therapist but now it’s not your problem to deal with anymore.
No benefit to talking. It will just cause you more grief. She will just gaslight and find ways to justify things.
Interesting choice of title, it definitely doesn’t sound like it was just emotional cheeting.
You make a comment about not fully believing the feedback in the comments and that being a mistake. It appears you are making the same mistake again.
Have some self-respect,she definitely doesn’t respect you. She’s just salty she lost a good thing.
She’s lied over and over again and you gave her chance after chance after chance just for her to lie again. It would be difficult to believe anything left she has to say and to put yourself in that position gives her the chance to lie again. But also breaks your trust and won’t give you time to heal from having your trust broken. I think you should just leave her behind and work on yourself by yourself.
No, don’t talk with her. There is nothing she can do or say that will make you feel any better. Speaking with her will just open those fresh wounds. You need a clean break.
Acts > words. You saw how she acts and there are no needs for cheap words. There is nothing to discuss. She could have talked to you instead of emotionally cheating and talking to someone else. Now there is nothing to talk about. If she has the need to talk, she can talk with the friend.
She never stopped seeing him, communicating with him or developing their relationship. All while lying out the side of her face, being deceptive and fabricating activities, participants and destinations. Why are you allowing her any time or space to attempt to weave another web around you. She is a liar that means she will lie about her motivations, reasoning, feelings, desires and what she wants. Actions speak louder than words and she is only sorry/sad because of the impact this is having on her and her social life and academic life. What was her end game? Feels like string you along until she got her education finished then monkey branch away. You showed her your resolve and now she is desperately trying to keep you no doubt being willing to be completely transparent and open to the point of you being her jailor! She missed her shot you don’t need answers you have them, you know everything you need to from her actions. Regardless of her excuses or reasons she is not the one for you.
She wants to talk so she can tell people you parted ways as friends. It will help her rewrite history that you guys just grew apart and the split was amicable. Just damage control.
Mate, I say this with all respect but don’t talk to her. You don’t owe her anything. I also fear that talking to her will only cause you more heartache and sometimes it’s best to leave things be and just move on. She lied to you constantly and so in my opinion she isn’t worth another second of your time. Just block her and move on. If she comes by don’t answer the door and if she sees you walking, pretend she isn’t there. You deserve better and don’t ever forget your self worth.
She cheated…repeatedly… lied.. repeatedly…
NOW she wants to talk??? Why?? Because SHE needs it??
She either wants another chance, forgiveness or… a clean conscience…
What will you gain?? You cant trust anything shes going to say…
>Or is this something I should just be focusing on fully putting behind me, and cutting her out of my life completely and permanently?
Yes!!!
The time for talk and honesty is gone – she squandered it while she cheated and lied to you…
Keep NC…
Oh – im kinda vindictive, so i would ensure all her friends and family know, that she was kicked out because she repeatedly cheated…
My answer to her would be:
“We have nothing to talk about.”
She lied, she cheated. Then she lied and cheated more. You know that you can’t trust her answers to be truthful. What good is talking to her going to do? If anything, it will rub salt in the wounds.
The only thing she’s going to do is ask for another chance to work it out. You don’t need that and you definitely should never consider it.
Don’t have any more conversations with her. It’s a waste of time and sets you back in the healing process.
Don’t go thinking you’ll get the closure you need and it’ll help you rebuild but that’s not what you get. You’ll have her weaseling her way back to you or trying to be “just friends”… Or she could be trying to simply ease her guilt but in any case none of that is good for you.
No no no. She should you who and what she truly is while constantly choosing to lie to you and continue to see him. She made choices to prioritize the affair over you. You can gain nothing by meeting or talking to her. Keep no contact and continue for journey to be healthy again.
Take some time and think about it. Ultimately, do what is best for your mental health. If you think talking with her will do some good, even if there is serious doubt about her honesty, then go for it. If space and time away from her are helping and you feel like you can move on, don’t. And take more than a month if you need. You don’t owe her a conversation. Good luck.
The month thing is stupid. You need to talk sooner than later. You’re in your 30’s so you don’t need a month to communicate with her.
If she was doing all of those things with him then surely their relationship became physical.
You might not know it now, but you do need some sort of closure. Write questions out and have them prepared. You aren’t together so the least she could do is be honest. I would start with “was he worth throwing 6 years down the drain?” Followed with “I deserve to know the absolute truth no matter how bad it hurts. Did you sleep together? I need to know because I will need to get tested.”
Also, tell that guys gf what the fuck he’s up to.
You don’t have to be with her, but you also don’t want “why’s” living rent free in your head.
Meet with her. Ask your questions, but don’t give her any emotion.
Look my Man , I digged through your point of having this conversation…. (You want some honest answers and kind of reliefed words proves that you hadn’t did anything bad from your part) correct me if am wrong?
Do you feel a lil guilty that you could’ve been better with her??….. If that’s so, then let me asure you This
She is manuplited twisted cheater ( she knows your weakness points, and she played on that).
My advice my guy :-
Even if you get those answers and validation, you won’t rest on it (I bet all my money on that) simply because, you reached where you can’t tell her lies from plain facts, So what’s the point from doing it??
If you wanna have that talk with her, be ready to get her back in your life cuz she is going to play all her cards
What could she possibly say that would help you? “Im sorry?” Apologies are empty words. “I wish I had chosen better?” If wishes were horses, we’d all ride.
She wants to feel like less of a sh*theel in her own narrative. She wants to feel like a better person for offering you “closure.” She may even be cocky enough to hope you’ll take her back. The reality of her many, many poor choices has sunken in finally. Consequences are much better teachers than words alone can ever be.
Closure is something you give (or take for) yourself. The person who shattered you cannot make you whole if they are still broken themselves.
SHE should be the one informing her affair partner’s (with whom she is very likely still in touch) betrayed partner. AP shouldn’t get out of this scot-free, and his partner deserves full information, too. The OBP (other betrayed partner) is being cheated of their agency as you were.
The fact that she pretended interest in repairing the relationship whilst escalating the affair is one thing that I couldn’t forgive, personally. That geometrically multiplies all the lies and deceit that occurred to that point.
You’re on the path to healing. Don’t let her show up on the doorstep and derail you. You owe her nothing, except whatever of her crap might be left at your place. Box it, leave it on the doorstep, and cut her off with the knife she planted in your back.
You don’t need to go back. It’s always a bad idea to go back to someone you broke up with. There was a reason enough to break up at that time, and the chances of that reason happening again are very very high. It may take time but youllgrow yourself out of whatever sadness you are feeling.
Kept us updated
Don’t talk to her.
If she is will to be honest then it might give you closure but it also might take you down a dark hole. If she is going to just justify her actions like she did on the past by lying to you then it will not help and just make you confused by making you question breaking up.
Her past action of lying and using you as a safe space while being with him is your answers. You gave her a second change and she blew it.
It seems like she thought he would give her a relationship and when you broke up she found out he just used her.
I would let the past stay there and move on.
Trust me, the last thing you have with this is power. That is your closure. You have the power to reject her. To not give her any more chances to hurt you, to lie, to cheat. Keep that power and wield it with glee — she’s the loser now. Not you. Let her feel the pain of being a pathetic immature loser. You move on without her and find the love you deserve.
All of that said. If you do speak to her again. I’d thank her for the good times, wish her well, and let her know that your goal henceforth will be to move forward without her and to not attempt to contact you again.
Don’t talk with her.
She cheated, nothing she says can be trusted. Not a single word. So there’s no point.
Block her everywhere and go 100% no contact. It’s the best way to heal.
you are young, see this as an experience, it hurts, but you value yourself, grow from this, there is still someone out there who will love and respect you.
She won’t give you closure, she would only alleviate her own guilt by saying a bunch of shit to you. She lied throughout and will continue to lie. Having a meet would allow her to prepare her lies so they sound the most convincing.
She cheated on you, and chose another man and their relationship over you.
I’d say the best punishment you can give her is to not look back, ever. Ignore her and allow her to wallow in her sad little life with most people having cut her off as they know what kind of woman she is.
Do not let her concoct some story to explain herself. Ghost her ass. You will feel better and she will maybe learn from her behaviors. She most definitely fucked this guy.
Tell her to fuck off then block/ignore contact. Problem solved.
Can you be 100% sure it was just an emotional affair? I would be not so sure about it. Also the other guy probably dumped her and you are the second choice…