Is this enough to break off my relationship?
I (25M) found out my girlfriends (29F) been hiding someone behind my back for 8 months
My now girlfriend and I met about a year and a half ago at work. We flirted a lot and eventually went out in a date for Valentine’s Day. It was amazing and we continued to talk there after. Fast forward to now we have been in a relationship for almost a year and also moved in to a house together that is in her name. The day I moved in one of her friends sent me a text she was hiding her ex from me and had been talking to him still and even accused her of having sex with him and using me for money.
I confronted her about the situation and she did confirm that she was in communication with her and ex and he even was sleeping on her couch this whole time we knew each other when I wasn’t there (before we moved into the new home). She says nothings sexual has happened between the two in two years and that he is an abusive alcoholic who is in and out the hospital. She also told me she has tried time and time again to kick him out but he would not leave 100%. She goes on to say she never told me about him because she has been trying her hardest to get him out of her life, and did not want me to know that this had been going on. I do believe her that nothing romantic has happened but it doesn’t change that fact that she has kept something hidden from me from the start.
Now I’m faced with the decision of staying with her and working things out, which means continuing to live in this house and get in even deeper. Then there is the other route of leaving as soon as possible .
15 comments
Why did she not call police on him? Wait, I know, because she preffered to lie to you rather than get her ex in well deserved trouble.
Break up with her.
It boils down to how much you care for her. She had her reasons for keeping this from you, while I believe honesty is the best policy, she may have been worried you’d back out and she really cares for you. Again, not the right decision but I get it.
She sounds like a people pleaser. She has admitted to you that her ex is abusive and an alcoholic which may also be why she’s stressed about cutting him off completely. She might be scared. Him refusing to completely leave is a manipulation tactic. She might need to consider therapy because relationships like that leave a lot of baggage.
Here are my questions:
Where is he now that you two are living together ?
Does he know about you?
Are you sure she’s in a healthy head space to be ready to move on?
“I lied because I was afraid the truth would prevent me from having you” is always indefensible.
Hiding something from you because she knows you will disapprove is a huge red flag. Only you can decide if it’s worth staying. Personally, I would leave.
👎. The coliseum has spoken
“Show me the texts. And/or messages. Right now.”
Make it random. Decide for yourself.
Dump her right this very moment. Regardless of what the real truth is she is not a trustworthy person.
She lied about a person for months because she knew you wouldn’t be ok with it. Why are you trying to be ok with what she lied about and that she lied?
OP, you are well within your rights to walk away from any relationship for any concerns that make you feel uncomfortable in that relationship.
She’s been lying to you all this time, and I think she’s still lying to you when she says that ‘she’s trying to get him out of her life’.
Just tell her that ‘you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore’. No additional explanation or talks are necessarily. You know all that you need to know at this point. Any more would just add unnecessary drama to this situation. Just walk away, block her completely and move on with your life. It’s not worth it to dwell on this relationship anymore.
Leave asap. You know you need to for your own mental health. I’ve known women like this that are toxic and they thrive on the drama of other toxic partners and exes. You don’t need this. Move on
Just use your head for a second my friend. She has been secretly letting her “abusive, alcoholic” ex sleep at her house for 8 months and didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to know what was going on? Like what? Way too many red flags and way too many lies going on here for you to even consider staying with this chick. Get away from her. You even have some of her friends telling you she’s cheating on you with him and using you. Run!
Uh no. No. No.
So with whom did you move together? Do you think you know her?
Think about her withholding this fact that he has been sleeping over at her place from you. So that you could have taken an informed decision whether or not she is worth your time.
I was stupid and got married to a lady who withheld certain facts from me, and even had lied to my question whether there are any exes in her life. And I was stupid I even believed her explaining to me that she had not understood my question. That is of course bullshit.
The problem that resulted from these past things was that I got extremely insecure and could not trust her. I was thinking she was seeing many many of her exes. And it made my life miserable. So miserable that I think no one is worth that. After 5 years od marriage we filed for divorce. And now I think had I been smarter I would have moved past much much sooner.
This is too much. Even if she’s telling the truth (I’m skeptical), that’s still a concerning situation.
This doesn’t seem like something that your relationship will be able to come back from. This is a massive thing to lie about, and for a long period of time too. What else could she be lying about? I wouldn’t buy it for a second that they didn’t continue sleeping together, at least sporadically, while he was LIVING with her…. idk dude, everyone is different, maybe you can force yourself past the betrayal and the lies, maybe you won’t harbor resentment for her the rest of the relationship, maybe you will be able to trust her again in time. I don’t recommend staying around to find out though
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