So yeah I met this guy through another gym buddie of mine who’s 18 at least and till now we always had a good time in the gym together. I have a sort of mentor relationship with him where I show him stuff and tell him what’s good and what’s not. Of course we also joke around from time to time but I would never consider him a close friend as he is still a teenager and his behavior is also still that of a teenager. Nevertheless me and the other 18 year old dude have helped him get more social as I think he had no real social contacts before the gym. So now he has made some friends which he took to the gym and who are all squirming around now. The thing is he always wants to introduce me to these guys but I don’t have any real interest in getting to know them because well they’re teenagers. They have a totally different mindset than I do and are in a totally different world. I just simply don’t want a bunch of 16 year old friends. So now he has invited me to a BBQ party and I don’t know if I should go. And I don’t know how to decline and tell him that I don’t plan to be that close of a friend to him as he thinks I am.
PS: Even on a simple personal level without the age gap I’m way closer and comfortable with the 18 year old as he’s more mature and we just click more.
UPDATE: I concluded that being honest is the best approach and that he has to learn that he shouldn’t hang out with guys way older than him. Thanks for your advice and that one guy that claimed I was a pedo can go f*ck himself
39 comments
Honestly just go with your gut. You can always be like, “Hey I appreciate the invite but I can’t make it”. You don’t have to divulge any personal reasons why.
The simple I’m busy that day works fairly well. And try to distance a bit if ur worried they will continue to keep trying to hang out. U will have to talk to them about it if that happens. It might be uncomfortable for u. But they see u as a cool older guy that they can talk to and of course they would want u around their social circles. But now being that guy in their life u may have to help them with that lesson of these ages aren’t the most appropriate to hang out outside of certain circumstances.
Just say you’re too old he will probably understand if he’s normal. Plus makes you not look like a creep and a responsible adult
Don’t hang out with kids socially and dont spell Buddy like that. Both make you look like sort of a pedo to strangers.
“thank you for the invite, but I can’t make it.” If they keep asking about future invites to parties you can say “thank you for thinking to include me. I’m in my twenties though so I don’t think it’s my scene.” You can be pleasant to teenagers in the gym. I agree with you though, it’s weird to become friends or hangout outside the gym. This is a boundary that you should assert — they may be young but they’ll get it now or when they’re older. And if you are otherwise nice to them in the gym, it really shouldnt be an issue.
There’s an art to pleasant interactions with people to keep the relationship from progressing. I greet people, I make jokes with them or laugh at their jokes. I don’t ask them many questions beyond “how’s your day/weekend?” unless it’s pertinent to the kind of relationship I want to keep with them. So if it’s a gym acquaintance, I may ask stuff like if they’re training for anything or what they do to warm up/cool down etc. Very surface level questions that still allow me to get to know them. Even when someone brings up more personal information I just say okay and keep the conversation where I’m comfortable. I remember being in my gym parking lot and someone going “I’m a bachelor now though, it’s just me, but I try to still do things with my sons” and I just said “that sounds cool, I’ll see you Tuesday, I’ll try the stretches you told me about” and I continued on my way out. Having boundaries may not feel like the nicest thing in the moment, but it gives people the right expectations for your relationship.
Just say you’re too old and wouldn’t have anything in common with the underage guests. Totally reasonable. Don’t lie to him
If you are the mentor, mentor him an provide the right example. Be honest and explain your view as an adult.
How about going as mentor like person. Just drop by and say hello, if it’s not your type of event then just slip out. Who knows, he may have some older family/friends around that might make it worth your time. He clearly sees you as someone he welcomes into their inner circle, even dropping in real quick will probably be a plus to the friendship.
Honestly I think by declining, you would be doing him a favor in showing him what a healthy boundary with a young adult looks like.
Just tell him you don’t like going to Chuck E. Cheese anymore because you’re too old for everything there
I don’t think you should make up an excuse or say you’re busy. It’s perfectly ok to say “thanks for the invite buddy but I think I’m getting a bit too old to hang out with teenagers, have fun though”. It sets a boundary and he won’t ask again.
Just tell him “I really appreciate the invite, but this should be a time for you to get to hangout with kids your age. With how old I am I’ll just get in your guys way. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, but we’re just in two different times of our lives.”
That update was wild. Anyway, yeah don’t be scared homie. He’ll appreciate the honesty.
Why can’t you say you’re too old to be partying with minors? Just say it’s not a good look
I’ve dealt with something similar, I had some students at an after-school program for a few years and they were just terrific kids, a few tried to add me on social media after I left the job but I just politely declined and said they’re free to reach out again when they’ve done some growing up and are the same age I was when I started the job (21). I’d say they probably don’t need me around to find themselves as they’re good, smart, hardworking people and I know they’ll find their way just fine. One actually did reach out to me when he turned 21, and we hit up a place for some minigolf and a beer, got caught up on what life’s been like in the several years since we last saw each other, and it was overall a really nice time. He asked for some relationship/dating advice as he had been striking out with the ladies lately, and he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do for a career.
Good on you for having boundaries and giving the kid good advice. Mentor-mentee relationships can be really rewarding and it’s a shame we live in a world where we have to constantly second-guess those things. You did right by little homie, I’m sure he really looks up to you.
Meh I’m nearly 40 and waaaaay younger men always ask me out. When I go clubbing young men also approach me. I just smile and say I’m too old for that in a laughing way. If they argue I tell them my actual age and then they just smile along and stop asking. He’s probably hoping you will bring them alcohol.
you are too old for BBQ? If is not too far away, Show up, grab a hot dog and excuse yourself early. You will make his day as a mentor/friend.
One thing you may point out if it’s a possibility is that by being older if they had alcohol there you are the one who could get in trouble for it.
I invited an older dude to a party my roommates were having. All my roommates were inviting loads of friends and I didn’t have many, plus I thought this guy would be happy for the invite. He came but left after about an hour and I was really embarrassed I’d invited him at all. All my friends were young and wild and stupid and he was just this mature ass old man that looked sort of scared and repulsed before scurrying out and never talking to me again.
Long story long, just make a polite excuse and don’t go. He probably shouldn’t have invited you but didn’t know better.
“I can’t be around girls your age, people will think I’m a paedo”
Just tell the person you don’t attend parties with under age drinking simple as that. The oldest person gets charged for distribution in the event of a bust and also it is scummy to hang around kids and drink with them
Tell him you have a date with a big booty baddy and you’d like to go to the party but you trying to smash instead. He’ll understand and think you’re the man.
Probably wants you to buy some liquor
Tell him that he’s cool enough be around, in small doses lol, that you’re happy about him putting himself out there and making friends, and that you appreciate the invite, but there’s absolutely no way that you’d voluntarily spend any amount of time around a bunch of teenagers!
Similar boat, i’m 36 and mentor a few guys at the gym. But they are 24-26 so i’m at least 10 years older than them.
Honestly i don’t have any problem hanging with them and even went out to party with them a couple times and had a great time.
Until now i never thought befriending people that are 10 years younger than me could be considered weird
Does math.
Guy probably wants you to buy them alcohol.
If you’re not hanging out like all the time, it might not be so bad. Just going to a BBQ like a family friend almost for an hour or two but maybe just be clear the type of friendship you’d be OK with. That’s if you would be OK with or want to
But you could also just say you’re uncomfortable because you’re a lot older than him and he’s not an adult
Just be like
“The gym is a place everyone can learn from each other, but outside the gym I think you’d be better off hanging out with teens your own age; It’s good for you. You’ll have a great time, I know it!”
Checking in post update.
You did the Good Thing OP. Much as I’d love to think that friendship is an immutable power, you don’t want to be at the kind of party that (one) is thrown by a sixteen year old who (two) is the sort to invite a person in their mid twenties (three) where everyone that age would then be chill with having someone so many generations older.
Don’t do it
Just simply say, “Hey, I feel a bit old to go but have fun man! See you at the gym!
I’d usually say I’d have a conflicting event, like a birthday party invite that day, but would drop by before for a drink. That way you a) have a good excuse to leave early, b) show appreciation by compromising your (fake) plans and showing up, and c) can test the waters at the party, and stay longer in case it turns out fun.
Sorry, can’t make it. Keep it simple and repeat like a broken record if you’re invited again.
Even though you are going to decline because it is inappropriate for you to attend, you should be flattered that he thought enough of you to invite you.
When you honestly decline, make sure to thank him for considering inviting you. You don’t want him to feel foolish.
Dont decline just because they are teenagers. I have friends like 20 years younger than me, no problem at all
You can decline for any reason you please. How he takes it will be a reflection of his maturity level not you.
You are
Strange what others say in comments, must be an American cultural thing.. I don’t see what’s wrong with going to a party of teenagers, you can still chill at the bbq, I mean you are 24 not 54, still a kid really. Ask if you can take a friend your age with you if you want. When I was 16 we partied with people of all ages and saw no issue.
Come, bring some food, say hi, and go away citing you have some business. Professional, aren’t rude, and actually polite.