Potential tw: eating disorders, discussions about weight
Some context. I am a 24 year old woman, 5’6″, 145 lbs. I was this weight when my husband and I got married two years ago. He was very clear about how much he loved my body when we first got married. During the first few months of our marriage, my eating disorder returned and I lost ten pounds. My lowest weight was 130 lbs, and I was very skinny looking. My husband complimented me all the time on how skinny I was, how good I looked, etc.
About a year ago, I began recovering from my ED and started to eat more. I gained those ten pounds back, but I am by no means overweight. I am literally the exact same weight I was when we got married and he supposedly loved how I looked. When I began gaining my weight back, I was insecure about it and asked my husband how he felt. He said he loves me and is attracted to me either way. But he stopped complimenting me as much and was extremely encouraging any time I considered going back on a diet. This bothered me.
Today we were in a tangentially related argument and I finally snapped and asked him if he is less attracted to me now. He admitted that yes, he is. He said my body is less attractive to him now that I’m not as skinny. But he keeps saying that that shouldn’t matter and doesn’t understand why I’m not able to get over that and accept that he does still love me.
I’m very hurt though. Am I overreacting? I feel like I’ll never be able to get over hearing that and like I can never eat again. I know this man loves me but hearing him say that and knowing that he finds me less appealing now that I’m healthier is just agonizing.
48 comments
Yikes. He knows you have an eating disorder yet threw that out there? His emotional intelligence seems to be lacking. I’m sorry.
5’6 and 145 pounds is a very healthy weight! I know you look great! What he said wasn’t kind, and there needs to be a conversation on why he said what he did given you’re healthy with your body again. He loves you and should be applauding the improvement in your health knowing your struggles. When you have the right words-talk it out, and in no way let it affect the positive work you’ve done to get here. Stay happy and healthy!
If 10lbs is enough for him to lose attraction what will he think in ten years? That’s insane.
You literally recovered from an ED! He should be proud of you for that. I’m sorry, OP.
He should be more attracted to you now because you are at a healthy weight.
I rather the honesty than secret hate( i forgot the word for it)
Uhhhh absolutely FUCK NO. Massive red flag!!! Get out. Get out while you still can!!!
Hmmm a dude posted about this earlier. Wonder if you’re the wife 🥲
Oh my gosh I’m so sorry, you cannot have kids with someone so shallow. This is honestly terrifying that he cares more about your weight than your health. Was he aware of the disordered eating?
I will say, if you gained 50 pounds and he lost attraction, that makes sense.
10 pounds is barely noticeable. That’s also healthy weight. He’s a weirdo
While I understand that this is troublesome, but would you prefer the alternative – him lying? You asked the question multiple times. It’s not fair to expect someone to continue to say what you want to hear if it’s not true.
It sounds like he is still attracted to you, just less so. Is it possible to just accept this as a reality and move on?
I don’t think it’s fair to criticize someone for having a preference between two healthy weights ( I understand that you did not come into the low weight by healthy means, however that weight vs height itself is not inherently unhealthy).
… is there a major income or experience disparity between you two, and has he always been this manipulative/controlling?
Because this is troubling to say the least, especially knowing you have an eating disorder.
Yea he messed up. I love my woman not for the container she has, but for the essence that is contained in it. I wouldn’t be less attracted to her even if she gained 100 lbs, but I would worry about our health.
I am so sorry you are married to someone who may only be attracted to you at “x” weight. I think you need to have a serious conversation about what that means to the longevity of your relationship. If you have kids, you will gain weight, hell, even if you get back to pre baby weight, your body won’t look the same. I weight 30lbs less than my pre baby weight but my structure is vastly different. Things will sag and look different.. his will too. It’s part of life.
After reading your post, I fear that his statement may have already damaged your ability to age gracefully with him because how can one grow old gracefully when you can’t feel comfortable in your own skin? Restricted eating and plastic surgery will take you so far….
So, the question is, can you have a serious conversation with him about how his words mean things (even if he didn’t think they did). How it makes you feel and how limiting his mindset is to you and him. Also, I am guessing he’s in his mid 20s like you are and if that is the case, do you feel confident that he has the ability to mature? I was a superficial 20 year old but looks meant zero for me once I hit my 30s….. But on the opposite of the coin, I knew a few different guys who were superficial in their 20s, 30s and so forth… (it doesn’t work well for them for so many reasons).
Point is, some people change and some don’t. Do you think your husband can?
Also, how old is your husband btw? My answer might change depending on your response.
Sounds like he is being honest but wants to stay. Maybe spend some time apart. Is he super attractive and fit?
I just want to validate that no, you are not over reacting. As one person to another, who is healing from an eating disorder, his words were dynamite.
You are not overreacting, it might take some therapy with him for him to understand how badly he fucked up there.
Sending you hugs sister.
This is appalling. What a shallow, appalling person he is. And for a person who battles eating disorder to be with this awful person….bad bad bad.
I don’t know what to say. You are thin. I’m that height at at 145lb I’m darn skinny!!
Frankly i couldn’t be with someone who judged me and based his attraction to me on a few lbs of weight.
That is not love.
Red Flag BIG time.
Me? I’d get out of that marriage. I would not even consider having children with that man. Because your body WILL change.
Run run run ….
I’m fat, unequivocally so. Recently I’ve been ill, and one of the side effects of the acute phase of the illness was reduced appetite.
After a few days to a week of this, I confided miserably in my fiancé that I’d “eaten so much today”. His response: “That’s great, you’re getting your appetite back! Are you feeling less tired too?”.
That’s how a kind man and a true partner responds.
Your partner should not be encouraging a flareup of your ED.
Tf smh
Absolutely throw the man out. It’s 10 pounds. You’ve recovered from an eating disorder and are well within the healthy weight range for your height. Your partner should be celebrating that fact, not telling you he’s less attracted to you.
Don’t have kids with him.
In college, I was 5’6 and 122 lbs. My college boyfriend harassed me to run daily and be “ the thinnest girl at every party “. After ten years with him, I now ferociously refuse to hear anyone speak on my weight. I just don’t care!! Men can focus on their OWN bodies!
I think you need to check about your insecurity. I think your husband had enough about you constantly asking him about how he think about your look. Where when he answered, you don’t seem to believe that is his true answer.
Therefore you assumed that he is not attracted to you anymore. Then when he fed up with the same question over and over, he snapped and said yes he is not attracted to you anymore.
Its just my opinion on this. His reaction is valid.
Not a healthy relationship, especially for someone with an ED and self-esteem issues. If you can’t tell, he’s making them even worse. You deserve someone who truly loves you no matter your weight. Now, of course, that is within reason because you would want someone to care if your weight was unhealthy and you were taking years off your life not caring about your weight, but that is not the case here.
Your husband’s “love” for you is based on superficial reasons that are not realistic for 98% of the world population to be able to maintain long-term. Not to mention, he “fell in love” with you at the weight you are now but only loves you at the weight you were 10lbs ago when your eating disorder was in full effect? What a loser. He needs to go find him a Dolly Parton look alike who can meet his aesthetic needs for all eternity, and you are going to need some hard core therapy after this.
Good luck, hon. I am 5’1, about 190, which sucks about all the time, and really isn’t healthy, but my husband loves me and still tells me I am sexy all the time, so there are men out there who love some meat on the bones. My husband and I are both actively trying to get healthier because we love each other and want to live as long as possible and be there for our kids. That said, I would die for your height/weight combo.
I’ve ridden this rollercoaster. My wife started at 128lbs; her weight would go up and down. She peaked at maybe ~180lbs after our fourth kids. Now she’s back to 145lbs and I’m kinda scared about her going back to 130lbs because I like her curves. Oh well. It’s really none of my business.
Weight changes gradually and you have time to get used to the new look. If you’re in love then it shouldn’t be that big a deal.
My suggestion is to not discuss your weight with your husband at all and he is unlikely to say anything or think about it. When you bring it up he then feels invited to have an opinion. My wife and I are both happier when she worries about her weight alone either gaining or losing.
tell him you never get turned on anymore as his d*ck is smaller than ur ex
Wow. This seems to be such a common theme in this subreddit and it really breaks my heart for my fellow women. I’m FAT. Like 250lbs at 5’7” kind of fat. So it also hurts to see that these men out here are less attracted to people they literally married just because they gained 10 whole lbs. At your height and current weight, you’re not even CLOSE to being overweight. This honestly seems like a HIM problem and he should get some help.
If his physical type *skinny* then he shouldn’t have married you. He did. So, quite frankly, he should shut up about it.
>I feel like I’ll never be able to get over hearing that
No doubt. You’ll have to think very carefully about whether this is something you can live with going forward. If it’s not, maybe this is not the guy for you – marriage or no. But given you do suffer from an ED, I worry that a relationship with him will not be healthy for you in the long run.
Also, bodies change. Pregnancy, hormones, age. How’s he going to feel if you have kids and your body will not go back to how it was before? Or when you hit perimenopause? Or if you get in an accident and can’t be as physically active? Or if you get sick?
I would not have children with this man… he’s already upset you gained 10 lbs and wishing you were “skinnier” pregnancy changes your body substantially. This guy is bad news and a giant red flag.
You’re not overreacting.
This is fucking insane. 10 pounds?! That’s enough to make him lose attraction? And I saw from your comment that he wants you to have kids? This is a recipe for disaster. But this is bigger than the number on the scale. Your husband said he’s more attracted to you when you’re struggling with your eating disorder and acts very encouraging any time you consider going back on a diet (with ED, it’s never just a diet).
Do not stay with someone who would prefer you be unwell and hot (to him).
Your husband is a selfish person. I’ve known a couple where the husband actively promoted the wife’s disordered eating- she wound up having issues getting pregnant from long term complications from the eating disorder, and then he left her for another woman.
If your husband cares more about 10 lbs than you, your mental health, and your physical health he isn’t likely to stand by you through any ACTUAL life problems.
Im gonna get downvoted but you did ask the question. Don’t ask the question if you know the answer you might get it one you’re not gonna like. He said he still loves you so you should believe him. Yes I know it sucks hearing your partner isn’t as attracted to you as they used to be. But you did ask the question and you got an honest response. Not something you should punish your partner for.
Yikes. A few years back I went through a medical crisis, during which I lost 30 pounds. When people “complimented” me on my weight loss, I wanted to scream, “I’D RATHER WEIGH 250 POUNDS THAN FEEL LIKE THIS!!” Luckily, my partner was NEVER one of those people. He knew this wasn’t a choice and that it was making life a living hell for me. He knew I was sick. As he put it, how fucked up would he have to be to find the sick, miserable version of me *more* attractive? Since I’ve gotten better I’ve gained the weight back and he could care less, just so long as I’m not feeling like shit anymore. THAT is beautiful to him.
That’s what a partner looks like. What you’ve got is someone with no sense of what your eating disorder is actually doing to you mentally and physically, who is content for you to sacrifice your health for the sake of appearing “attractive”. That is not what anyone, particularly someone with an ED, needs in a spouse.
Does he understand the extent of your ED? Would it help if a medical professional explained it to him? That’s the only recourse I can see here.
You aren’t overreacting, this is a major red flag. If he is feeling this way about 10 lbs imagine how he will feel when you are pregnant and after pregnancy!?
Love yourself first. You asked him and you weren’t prepared for the answer. Women feel about their weight, how men worry about pleasing women sexually ie penile size and stamina and performance. If he asked you and you were honest about how he didn’t make you climax, or that he was smaller than you liked, it would mess him up. I think we have to avoid loaded questions and focus on how we are treated by our loved ones. As long as you’re adored and loved by him that’s all that matters. Love yourself and don’t question what God has blessed you with. My wife was 180lbs when we met, She was 250lbs post three children at 40yrs old. I love her as she is, I had a lot to do with her body changing due to our children, also aging is a factor and happiness. Enjoy life, eat healthy and exercise for yourself and If that’s not good enough than so be it…..
[removed]
He needs to get his priorities right. This makes me wonder what else he hasn’t told you. I agree with folks that at your height, your weight sounds healthy. It shouldn’t be something to obsess over. I’m 5’3 and at 178lbs and pregnant. I used to have an ED where I got down to 128 and that was really unhealthy for me. Especially with working out and gaining muscle that number was unobtainable to go back to. OP, your husband needs a reality check. Because I bet that guy would fold if the same was said about him and his weight or if it came to any jab at his masculinity or d*ck. I had an ex like that. All of a sudden my weight and how I dressed was an issue but when I’d point out he dressed like his mama still shopped for him, suddenly I was the b*tch. Ppft. In sickness and in health and through thick and thin! That means everything life throws at you.
My husband now, used to be a body builder before we got together. He gained weight and lost his muscle mass due to depression and getting into an abusive relationship before me. I’ve seen the before and after and let me tell you. I never bring up his weight, I find him absolutely handsome and attractive and I encourage him to dress nice and work out when he brings it up. I even work out with him as much as I can. When he feels uncomfortable about his weight he sometimes asks me if I’ll leave because he doesn’t feel worthy. I reassure him and say that it doesn’t matter what he looks like or the number on the scale. I love him and want him to be healthy enough to see our kid grow up.
He’s even seen me gain weight and never brings it up and says he finds me attractive and sexy. He’s proven this to be more than words and I tells me he’d love me regardless of how much weight I gained or lost. We talk about being healthy and not about looks or scale numbers. We also understand that we’re in our 30s and healthy can look like a lot of different things. We just need to find what works for us.
I’m sorry, but he does not love you. Anyone who can say that to their partner who they KNOW has an eating disorder, does not care about them in any way. Honestly, anyone who says that after 10lbs of weight gain is a POS regardless of anything else.
Please do not let this jerk take up precious space in your mind. You are healthy, and healthy does NOT equal overweight or unattractive!
After I had my first baby, my then-husband told me I didn’t look as good with the extra 12-15 lbs I hadn’t lost yet (my legs didn’t look good in skirts, etc., according to him.) Context: I was 22 years old, 5’6”, 133 lbs (I had always been slim at roughly 120 lbs) and I was six months postpartum. He was 36 years old and a bit well-fleshed himself. It hurt my feelings a lot. He still loved me and said so, but a woman wants to know that she is 100% desirable to her partner. I’d talk to him if I were you and work through these issues. He is probably just being honest with you (at your insistence), but there are a few things that partners should just not say, no matter what. Whatever you do, do not go back into your ED. Buy some new clothes that fit your current body flatteringly and be happy with yourself for staying healthy. I know a lot of people are saying this is a red flag, but I feel it’s not enough to start divorce proceedings over 😜
you are not , he is a fraud, for better or worse, in sickness AND HEALTH…he is an ass for liking your body more when you are SICK than when you are HEALTHY…SCREW HIM
You are NOT over reacting. He’s being a self-centered narrow minded selfish person. I won’t call him a man. If it doesn’t matter to him why did he say he is less attracted. Personally, I would be way less attracted to a man who is more interested in his wife being skinny than being healthy. Tell him you’re hurt that he’s less attracted to you because of ten pounds of weight. His ego weighs more than that. Spouses are supposed to be supportive and help their SO’s ego not destroy it. You definitely need to tell him you are hurt by his thoughtless comments.
He needs therapy. And a wake up call.
Shallowness is not a positive trait. He sucks.
Men are dumb and sometimes they don’t know what they are saying. He clearly doesn’t know the depth of your ED.
Would you rather he lied?
Tell your husband that after two years of marriage -no one- looks as attractive, sexy, etc., to their partner as they did before and soon after the wedding. And oh-by-the-way, just how does *he* look to *you*?
You are over reacting to crap said in an argument. Sweet Jesus.
He loves you.
I might get a flood of downvotes for this, but it sounds like your husband got angry and said something really mean and insensitive during an argument but clearly elaborated that he still loves you and is attracted to you. While yes technically he is more attracted to your physical body when you may be thinner, it does not necessarily mean his actual love and attraction has gone down. The fact he only admitted this when specifically prodded in a heated discussion is good indication it’s not really an accurate representation if he normally feels anyways. It’s important to remember your husband married you for who you are as a person and not for your body. And if you haven’t, consider communicating that you feel you wish he would compliment you more or that he would support your diet regardless if you’re attempting to lose weight or not. There’s a lot of missing context here, but I hope this was helpful