My boyfriend (25M) and I (25F), have been in a relationship for 6.5 years, lived together in our home for 2, have history from age 13 and 3 cats. We always talked about moving in, getting married, getting cats and maybe having from the get go.
Before I vent, I must preface that my boyfriend is a very good person. He is very affectionate supportive, makes an effort with my family, looks after his appearance and strives to improve himself. He’s also very happy go lucky. Also all of the below issues have been brought up with him previously.
A couple months ago he broke down and told me he didn’t feel like he’d made any decisions in his life and I’d made them all for him (moving in, where we lived etc), he also recognised he never told me how he felt about it and went along with it so it’s not my fault, but of course I felt super guilty and upset. Previously we had discussed that him earning £40k (as im more advanced in my career) would be a reasonable amount to start saving for an engagement ring and marriage. Part of this discussion it came out that he didn’t feel ready to get married yet, and money wasn’t a part of this.
I feel very hurt, not only do I love the idea of a wedding and but I so desperately want him to want me his wife. He even floated the idea of just flippantly calling me his wife e.g. no I’m not waiting to use the toilet I’m just waiting for my wife. Which I was offended by but played it off like “haha you can’t do that until you’ve put a ring on this finger”.
Now I just feel like a proper nag, but he’s not someone who is quick to do anything, so I tend to be the instigator for housework, house renovations, holidays, appointments for the cats, my own promise ring. I’m an very much willing to do things for him.
He isn’t very romantic and I can’t even remember the last time instigated a date or did anything romantic for me, he just plays the “I’m a bloke we don’t think of these things” card. I have brought this up many times.
I’ve been reading a lot to get perspective on the whole “I’m ready he’s not” and seeing a lot about not being a “wifey” when he doesn’t act like a husband, this sits okay with me because part of the hurt is that i have put a lot of work into my self and the relationship and home. Naturally we split housework so I wash and put away his clothes as mine, pick up his food with mine etc.
How do I stop being a wifey without being downright petty and will this help to ease the bad way I feel about this? Hoping to have some perspective from anyone who has been in a similar position.
39 comments
He takes you for granted. He already has all he wants out of your relationship. If he still doesn’t want to get married after almost 7 years together, he never will, sorry. Being a bloke doesn’t excuse him from being attentive to his partner’s needs. You put a lot of effort and time into this relationship, but are you getting your worth? When will he be ready? What’s stopping him, if he loves you and you already have a home and a life together? What is he afraid of, really? The only possible answer is that he thinks he could do better than you.
I mean get a timeline ? If your timelines are wildly off then you aren’t compatible especially because (and I am a woman to be clear so I understand ) you have a window to get this shit done. I ***personally*** think that if he doesn’t know he wants to marry you by now its not happening. I get people date a long time if they do it young but being together that long he knows you want a wedding so he needs to shit or get off the pot. I also fully understand that people can be together 15 years and not feel a need to get married but that only works when both parties are on the same page about it.
my grand mother once told me, if a man dont want to marry you…hes not the one.
>Now I just feel like a proper nag, but he’s not someone who is quick to do anything, so I tend to be the instigator for housework, house renovations, holidays, appointments for the cats, my own promise ring. I’m an very much willing to do things for him.
>He isn’t very romantic and I can’t even remember the last time instigated a date or did anything romantic for me, he just plays the “I’m a bloke we don’t think of these things” card. I have brought this up many times
>he didn’t feel like he’d made any decisions in his life and I’d made them all for him
This is exactly what he’s telling you. You made all the decisions. You bought yourself the promise ring, you instigate all the dates, you choose everything. He just has to go along. He doesn’t want that. You want him to do things, and since he doesn’t do them you do them for him. But it doesn’t mean he wants to do them. He is stuck in a situation where you play both your part and his. If you want a guy that will want to go on dates with you, find one. Do not force him to do it. If you want a guy that buys you a promise ring, find one that WANTS to do it. Him not doing it means he doesn’t want to do it.
You say “he is not quick to do anything” and you are willing to do things in his stead. He is telling you the reason he is not quick to do things is because he DOESN’T WANT TO DO THEM. Maybe he will in the future, but you cannot want in his stead. So either let him go his pace, which you do not seem to want to do since you even talked about where he should be financially when he will start saving for your ring, or find a guy that WANTS to do those things for you. Just because you want him to be this gut doesn’t mean he wants to
So why exactly do you want to be his wife? No dates, no romance, must be told to clean and do basic adult things, and most of the adulting he doesn’t even do, you do. How do you see the rest of your life with a man who won’t do the bare minimum for you? If you have to do everything for cats, what do you think doing everything with children is going to look like?
Before you stop acting “wifey” you need to sit down and take a hard look at why you want a life with him. Of course he is happy go lucky, someone else is doing everything for him, including paying more of the bills.
And I’m not even saying break up, I’m suggesting that now is a great time to dig in to this issue and instead of asking “how do I stop being a wifey” you ask yourself “how do I see if this man could be a husband?” And I know how to answer that question- make him do stuff. It isn’t petty to listen to what he said- that he isn’t ready to get married and feels you make all the decisions. Tell him you hear him and things are going to change.
1. You already live together, so he will need to tell you if he wants to make a different decision on that, but if there is any upcoming decisions, like moving or replacing something big in the home (leaky roof, need a new appliance) he should take the lead on it and you will provide your opinion but he needs to handle it.
2. He needs to start doing things for himself- chores like laundry, making his own appointments, buying or putting on a list when he needs things (you don’t need to shop separately, but he at least needs to be able to add things to the list and not expect you to know when he needs items).
3. He should be buying presents for his own family, getting his own car fixed, maintaining his own calendar of birthdays/hangouts/work events. Hand it over to him.
4. What are other areas in your shared lives that he can take over? Chores he should do AND will not be reminded to do them, pet care, even a hobby that you support him in doing. Hand it over to him.
5. And then, let him figure it out. This will be the hardest part. But he is 25, he can do his laundry before he runs out of socks, he can put his mom’s birthday in his calendar and remember to buy her a card, he can remember he told his friend he’d help him move.
And you need to tell him what you need too. You need romance, you need presents on special occasions, you need to see that he can be a good life partner. You are in love with the idea of being married, but you don’t sound actually happy with THIS man. So now is a time to step back and see if he has the potential to be an actual partner that shares your life journey, not a man you have to drag along.
Well, how to tell you that softly., you are not the one for him. Your relationship is good and all but he doesn’t feel “ it is it”.
It’s amazing how those non-romantic guys figuring out romance and propose fast then they find the one.
Reading the title I thought, well, you’re still pretty young but if you’re both 25 and you’ve been together for almost 7 years and he’s still not ready he will never be ready to marry *you*. Rest assured if you break up he will marry the next girl.
You know each other since 13. You are together for more than 6 years. If he doesnt want ir now its because its never going to happen
You’ve been together 6.5 years and he’s not ready. He’s probably not going to be ready at any point.
He’s not into you more than you’re into him .. wake up ! You are already living as his wife and he’s still doubting the whole relationship. Re read your post objectively as a third person and get a grip on your role in this relationship. Either you two will break up soon or you both will end up stuck in this dead relationship !
>so I tend to be the instigator for housework, house renovations, holidays, appointments for the cats, my own promise ring. I’m an very much willing to do things for him.
>He isn’t very romantic and I can’t even remember the last time instigated a date or did anything romantic for me, he just plays the “I’m a bloke we don’t think of these things” card. I have brought this up many times
Don’t get married until these are resolved, one way or another.
Getting petty and nasty isn’t going to get you anything. If anything, it’s you bullying him into getting married, which he just told you henisnt feeling ready for.
Assign him responsibilities in your life. Look up “fair play” and see if he’s willing to participate in splitting the home duties that way.
Being a wife doesn’t mean you have to do everything, and having a ring on your finger won’t actually make you feel better about having to do everything.
Why do you want the rest of your life to be this way
6yrs…it’s too late girl. He doesn’t even take you in dates and you expect him to propose. Bffr
You two aren’t compatible, you’re just comfortable after spending so many years together. You make all the effort and he just goes along. Is this how you want to live out the rest of your days?
He knows everything about you and still doesn’t want to marry you.
There is nothing you can do to change his mind. He has all the information he possibly can about you after this long.
It’s possible he may want to marry you later, but I wouldn’t wait on him. He is probably looking at the fact that he never got to enjoy the single teenage experience, never got to enjoy adult dating and an adult relationship that began in adulthood, never got to have a one-night stand or sow his wild oats.
All of this is fine. But you want marriage, and that’s also fine. This is an absolutely ideal time to leave this relationship and still meet and marry someone else you love who also loves and wants to marry you, with a plenty of time to have kids.
But that’s if you don’t let this guy string you along for another six years. It ain’t happening, sis. Cut him loose and go see what’s out there.
He knows everything about you and still doesn’t want to marry you.
There is nothing you can do to change his mind. He has all the information he possibly can about you after this long.
It’s possible he may want to marry you later, but I wouldn’t wait on him. He is probably looking at the fact that he never got to enjoy the single teenage experience, never got to enjoy adult dating and an adult relationship that began in adulthood, never got to have a one-night stand or sow his wild oats.
All of this is fine. But you want marriage, and that’s also fine. This is an absolutely ideal time to leave this relationship and still meet and marry someone else you love who also loves and wants to marry you, with a plenty of time to have kids.
But that’s if you don’t let this guy string you along for another six years. It ain’t happening, sis. Cut him loose and go see what’s out there.
You…. Bought yourself a promise ring?? What does that even mean?
Do you want this guy to step up and make outwards shows of commitment or do you want other people to think that’s what he’s doing?
If he wanted to, he would.
It feels like he sees you more like a friend/ sister/ mother and not at all like a romantic partner. I think the only way to get out of this dynamic would be to really take a break from the relationship, move him out for a while and let him learn adulting on his own. You could take in a roommate to keep up with the rental expenses.
Anyway, he doesn’t appreciate you, and he is resentful of you fixing everything for him, because your baby boy has apparently never learned to do that on his own. And before you tie yourself to that for the rest of your life, you should maybe take a good hard look around on how actual balanced equal ROMANTIC relationships between grownups look like, not this best-bros-with-benefits shit you two seem to have going on.
It sounds like you want to be married more than his wife. You’ve listed a huge list of what’s wrong with him.
Sounds like you should move on and find someone who you actually want to be your life partner/husband.
Honey he’s not going to marry you
My cousin waited 10 years on her boyfriend to marry her. After 10 years, she finally realized that marriage with him was never gonna happen
She broke up with him, and within 5 years, she met and married her lifelong partner.
Your boyfriend has told you he doesn’t want to marry you and you should believe him. The only way you’ll be able to stop being a “wifey” and become a “wife” is by standing up for yourself and not let anyone stop you from achieving your goals.
I wish you the best.
First step, stop paying for his shit. Today. Right now.
2) Get a therapist
3) Sit him down and talk about your relationship, your roles in it, your future and what works and doesn’t work in your relationship.
4) Move out
5) Never let him stay over night at your new place
You don’t have to break up but if you are going to stop playing a spousal roll you need to move. You need your own space so you aren’t cleaning up after him. So he isn’t eating your food or using your car.
He can be your “Long Term, Long Distance, Low Commitment, Casual” boyfriend if that’s what y’all want but in that case Ken does not live in the house and get taken care of as if he was a spouse.
Don’t let this man string you along.
He’s way too comfy and still thinks in his head he might have options. Those options are not you.
Tell him you want to be married by 27, so you need a hard time line including a 6 month deadline for engagement. Or you are leaving so you have time to find some one else. Tell him it’s not a discussion, it’s a plan.
You sound like a couple of besties. He doesn’t romance you because you’re probably not the one. You’re familiar comfort, and he gets to do the bare minimum and still keep you. Move accordingly and don’t get mad when he doesn’t give you something he’s never given you.
Personally, I don’t think relationships should change over much between dating and marriage. It seems counter productive to me if you’re dating someone with different expectations on behavior along the way. For me, how I love is how I love. It’s not conditional to whether there is a ring on my finger, that’s just another symbol of commitment. Who I am as a partner doesn’t change.
The true issue here, as it seems to me, is that you notice yourself putting much more effort into not just the relationship but also household duties which he is not doing. You’re not going to feel better by doing less for him, especially if these things you do are part of your love language. And even if you were married I doubt his effort would magically increase.
The other thing is that you want to get married and he doesn’t, would reducing your effort really make you feel better about that? Is that how you want to be in a relationship? Cause it sounds like you don’t see him giving his all and your resentment is building. So is mirroring his lack of effort really going to be the solution? Or is it just going to be something that causes resentment to continue building between you? There’s also really no way to do so without seeming petty or having it seem like pressure on him to get married.
Personally I think you need to think long and hard about who you want to be in a relationship and how you want your partner to be. Try to make it without thinking of him but then compare it with him. Ask yourself honestly, is he meeting my needs? Cause if he’s not meeting your needs while dating he’s definitely not going to meet them when you’re married and potentially thinking about having kids.
Once you come to a decision ask him to do the same, have him think critically about who he wants to be in a relationship and what his needs are. Then come together with your respective lists and see how they compare and try to see if the two of you can build a future that supports both of you, not just one.
It sounds like you are very goal oriented and task driven while he is not, or has not been in the past and just kind of went with what you wanted.
If you want to continue dating this person really sit down and have a conversation, do not just talk at them with your complaints. Changing how you act or treat him is not going to magically get him to change, he’ll most likely not understand why you’re acting the way you are.
Here are some things I noticed while reading your post. You’ve both been together a long time while still being very young. You’re very clearly following a traditional life plan, this has its pros and cons, a pros is you being advanced in your career at a young age, a con is feeling like “life goals” HAVE to happen at certain ages or you are failing somehow. It sounds like either your boyfriend does not know how to speak up for himself or you don’t allow it.
My advice, really talk with your boyfriend don’t take “I don’t knows” dig deeper and figure out what you both want.
If he wanted to marry you, he would. In my own experience, even if he finally chooses to marry you, it won’t last long after that.
Remember the sunk cost fallacy. You feel that because you’ve been so invested, you don’t want to leave. But you have different goals, and he needs to do things on his own.
He doesn’t sound like husband material. Step back and let him take care of himself.
You just stop. Let him do his own laundry, preferably at his own apartment. I’m not suggesting that you break up but he has come to the realization that he’s checked out of his own life because it was easier for you to make the decisions. That is a pretty profound realization. He really needs to live on his own and you probably do to. I don’t think you can reset this relationship while keeping things the same. It will definitely delay any possible engagement since he’s going to have to pay for himself but maybe he can get a male roommate to help offset the costs. Then date him. Date him with the expectations of a girlfriend, not a wife. Be a girlfriend not a wife. His flat is messy? Dont clean it. His clothes are dirty, don’t was them. Laundry not folded? Don’t touch it. Spend your time on you, your friends your hobbies and let him do the same don’t “live together in two houses” Maybe spend a night together a couple nights a week or occasionally whatever seems reasonable but go hone after the majority of your dates and send him home. Let him figure out his budget, what to make for dinner, what to do about his job…whatever. You can support him without actually giving advice. You will either be a better couple because he will be engaged in his life and actually contribute thoughtfully in your life together, or you may drift apart, which will suck but will probably happen anyway if you don’t try to give him some room to grow on his own.
Stop living together maybe, can’t play house with a roommate and he will feel more like he is control of his life?
Outside of the response of “I love him so”. Answer this ONE question.
Why? Why do you want to marry him?
I have follow up questions that can help move you further along, but I need this one answered first.
Back off.
“Since you want to have a chance to make decisions, imma let you take over.”
You: what’s for dinner?
You: are we going on vacation this yea
You: when are we going to clean the house?
You: since you haven’t planned anything this weekend, I’m going out with the girls
Move out and go back to dating. Its more romantic for you and way more inconvenient for him lol. Remove ALL his home comforts and he’ll either miss you or move on and you’ll know he was never serious.
My relationship played like this except the moving in and getting pets part. But word for word otherwise.
I asked my boyfriend that we discuss getting married 1 year from the date of discussion, and he said he’s not ready for marriage.
Tell me why, he left me 2 months after this discussion and got married 6 months after this discussion?
I came to learn that it doesn’t take 7 years for someone to decide that they want to be with you.
This happened last year, I was 25 as well.
I worry for the continuity of your relationship. It sounds exactly like mine, including the reasons given for not wanting to do the wedding.
I think he is starting to second guess the relationship and isn’t sure if he wants to stay with you. His procrastination is a major red flag.
He doesn’t sound like husband material. Lots of bad signs here that he’ll either soon bail from the relationship, cheat, both, or if you do marry be a non-participant in the relationship. Like he’s being right now. I think he is comfortable where he is but wants another woman to marry. But first sow his oats a bit
Sounds like you’re a Mommy