I (24m) have become very cynical towards dating. Has anyone got aby words of advice?

21 comments

1. Confidence isn’t based on results. People who are truly confident never let failure stop them. Outcome independence.

2. Go to therapy and make a concerted effort to be the best version of yourself. Everything else will fall in place. Also don’t date while you’re doing this, it will be a distraction and it could make you even more jaded.
   Remember you attract the people who are on your level. So try to get as close as you can to the top and you will attract women who are there too

3. I think you could benefit from having a friend who is in a similar situation that can provide emotional support and you can do the same for him. Like help each other out with the ladies. Talk about the rejections, encourage each other when things seem hopeless etc.

   Are you good at something? Are you doing something cool? Do something with your life that others see and think “ok, that’s cool / impressive” whatever. Not saying that this is easy but get good at some shit. And I’m talking about some shit that women care about. No woman gives a shit if you’re the world’s best fly-fishing lure tying champion. But they will care if you’re the best dude in your city at yoga. Or you can make a whole room laugh at open mic night.

   Use confidence derived from this excellence in one area of your life and translate it to your life as a whole. Get good at some shit. Doesn’t matter what as long as it’s something women care about. Study medicine? Boom. That’s like 20 points right there dude. Be ambitious. Learn some shit. Try some shit. Aim high.

4. Try therapy to address your issues with self-image and confidence because a lot of people lacked validation growing up and it’s unfortunately led to these issues in adulthood. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with focusing on the better parts of your life outside dating and eventually you’ll meet people and one of those people may be a match.

5. Shift mindset: focus on personal growth. Embrace uniqueness. Engage in activities. Learn from rejection. Seek therapy if needed. Expand social circle. Positivity attracts meaningful connections.

6. Take some quality time off from dating, go to therapy to work on self esteem, and focus on enjoying life as a single person not looking for a relationship. Then come back to dating when you’re in a better place.

7. You’ll either get lucky or die alone… Good luck 🤞

8. I’ve never been a fan of “just be confident” advice because I don’t believe being confident is a choice. Just to give an example, if you’ve played 100 basketball games in your life and won 80 of them then get challenged to your 101st basketball game, you’d be pretty confident playing because you’ve done so successfully many times. The same applies to dating. If you’ve suceeded many times you have reason to believe you can succeed again and the opposite is also true. Every regection is just further evidence that its reasonable to not be confident.

   Unfortunatley in dating looks are incredibly important. As frustrated as you are, you likely wouldn’t date someone you didn’t find attractive either. You wouldn’t “put in the work” yourself. Its important to acknowlege that so you dont just view it as all women being shallow and “never giving nice guys a chance”. Don’t be that person, be logical. Desperation might have you settle for a time but in the end this is a terrible reason to be with someone and it’ll fall apart for that reason.

   Im a very logical person and believe in giving advice that works in the real world not just saying things to make someone feel better. The best thing you could do is focus on improving your looks and how interesting you are. Go to the gym, get a good hairstyle, get fitted clothes, learn about interesting things so you have things to talk about. There are people who would professionally rank your attractiveness level and give you tips on what you could improve.

9. I’m a 30 yo woman and I’m attractive guys ask me out all the time but they lose interest right away , because I have low self esteem too and that’s just not gonna work if you want a relationship, a healthy one anyway! You have to work on that. accept yourself and be confident, I’m working on it too because I faked it before and it has to be real, you have to put in the work to be really confident, really believe you are enough and deserve to be loved and happy and be okay with waiting as long as you have to.

10. You have the right to feel cynical! Just a bunch of attention seekers and game players. No one wants a nice guy

11. You complain about the “dating world” (hate that term) being shallow, but then you only describe yourself in terms of looks. Bit ironic

12. >Firstly I have no idea how to deal with my low self esteem regarding my looks. I stand a towering 5,6. Very pale with platinum blonde hair.

    Take salsa, bachata and other latin dance classes. Not only are latinos short so the stigma against short men nowhere near as bad as it is for white dudes, the fact that you’re a white guy with blonde hair will make you exotic and interesting to the women. White features like blonde hair, white skin and blue eyes are very coveted by latinos in general. Also? Dance classes will help you immensely with your confidence with women, putting you in a position to dance with them, have face to face conversations and put you, the man, in the position of taking the lead. It will be great for you in many different ways and if you don’t end up meeting a date through latin dance classes, you will definitely end up with a lot more confidence and ease with women.

13. I’m sorry but if you have low self esteem and insecurities, you’re not going to have any luck dating. Confidence is the most attractive thing to people, so lacking it won’t help you.

    I would advise to take a break from dating and work on these issues first. I suggest getting in the best shape that you can and setting goals for yourself and working on them.

    People can give you all kinds of dating advice and you can come up with so many reasons but the truth is you’re lacking confidence which is a huge turn off to everyone.

14. Dude society is being destroyed right now in real time. Don’t feel too bad, almost everything is a lie and artificial, and it bleeds out into dating.

15. Stop limiting yourself to online dating only.

    Go take dance classes at a night club. Join some activities…if you hate them, find new ones, just keep checking out different things until you find something you love.

    Don’t look at any of these things as some sort of guarantee of meeting women. Don’t go to them with the demeanor of a starving lion after gazelles.

16. Nearly everyone is cynical of dating at all ages. I would say take breaks when you feel exhaustion, don’t invest emotions too early, build up your self-worth by trying new things, bonus if it’s where it takes you to places with available women. Confidence. Everyone is rejected. It’s normal. You’re not the only one. Self-compassion

17. >Everything just feels so shallow and disposable.

    What do you mean by this? Do you mean people consider attraction? Do you mean people no longer stay stuck in unhappy unfulfilling relationships? Everytime I hear a guy complain about shallow dating….he is still approaching by attraction and he isn’t going out of his way to date women he finds repulsive…so it tends to mean he is upset women don’t see past his looks for his so called amazing insides.

    >Nothing really feels important and nobody seems to want to put in the work.

    What is the work?

    There’s no need to stop feeling cynical about dating. Historically dating was basically trading and treating women like property and women depended on men for financial survival otherwise she would be homeless or a prostitute. This generation is the first generation where dating is based on mutual interest and desire not out of women’s desperation…. don’t forget it’s barely been 60 years since women could own a credit card without a man. Men are now competing against other men AND a woman’s peace of being single…and many many men are finding they don’t have much to offer hence why so many would rather women need men so they’re quasi forced to pick a man and every man gets a woman.

    You just have to stop letting the cynicism affect your daily life and how you view yourself.

18. Height is only 1 thing that makes you attractive – work on being an emotionally mature person with an exciting life and a job you’re proud of and the general happiness and conversation topics you get from that will draw people.

19. I think the main thing would be… if you’re not comfortable with yourself how would anyone else be comfortable with you?

    Do you understand what women want? It’s more about the lifestyle you offer than your height or appearance. Height is a primitive desire to feel safe. An old yardstick. Bigger man, bigger reach, safer kids. There are other metrics to provide comfort and security now.

    Do you know what you want? Most men fit the past century or so have three consistent things they report make them happy. Attraction to their partner, loyalty from their partner, and peace at home.

    So what do you do? You’ve done most of it. Be comfortable with it and be at peace. Improve your circumstance. Career. Health. Sounds like you have a good social circle. Have interests and hang out. You might be recommended. Hooked up if you’re seen as a good man. Or the more attractive your life is the more likely someone will want to be a part of it.

    Online dating is depressing, so why bother? It’s wasted time better spent doing something to improve your circumstances that instead is spent clicking through vapid people who only respond to 5% of men on those websites and likely have their height filters set to not even see you. Don’t dog yourself like that. Fish by just making yourself be the better bait. Concentrate on your own life. Sounds like you already stand out, so do so now for the right reasons and eventually you sound have some selection that finds you. Don’t make it about that though. If you are secure with yourself and comfortable, that will spread to others who are in need of that. Lots are.

20. Something that helped me and I wish someone had told me sooner: growing in empathy is the key to building strong relationships. The fact is that a lot of people, men and women alike, feel frustrated by dating – life is hard enough already. I think the key that self improvement doesn’t always tackle (it’s still a good thing) is how to genuinely show interest and care about others.

    You mention that you don’t approach people because you feel like you’re imposing. This is the problem with low self esteem – we’re so focused on controlling what others think of us we don’t really think about the impact we have on others. Consider that it’s not a one sided thing to start a pleasant conversation – asking someone how they are or giving a genuine compliment can really make their day. Practice talking with new people because you are interested in chatting and learning more about them. Hopefully you will realize that you have just as much to contribute to the conversation as they do.

    I realized that a big part of what helped my self esteem was when I built solid relationships (both romantically and friendship) and was able to see the value of the impact my interactions had on others. It’s a lonely world out there – I think you’d be surprised how open people are to an honest attempt to spark a conversation.

21. #1 work on your self esteem (easier said than done I know) if you think you deserve the girl of your dreams you’re already on pace to get her.
    #2 Just keep swimming it’s a numbers game the more nos you get the closer you are to the one yes you need.

    Remember it only takes one to click with you and you never have to swipe right or go on a first date again.