This is long I’m sorry!
I need advice on how to navigate this. I have been with my husband for 9 years married for 4. We have two baby girls. We love each other, our marriage is fine per say. There’s no abuse, we’re kind to each other, we even have some intimacy and it’s good. But it does feel like we are in a roommate phase. I feel as though I am done having children but he wants another one and as much as I do want another one at times, I truly think my body is done. I finally started to lose the baby weight. I’m in a good routine. I work out regularly now. I am working about 24 hours a week and I feel like I’m getting myself back. It feels like our lives are in different places. It’s honestly shocking to me that he so lovingly wants another child. It’s not something that I thought he would want, especially if I didn’t. And again, it’s not that I’m completely closed off. I just I don’t think it’s in the cards for me anymore. since I’ve started to kind of get myself back after a very long three and a half years of being a full-time stay at home parent, I’m starting to notice my mind wander. There’s definitely lots of attractive people at the gym and work and my husband and I even talk about that. We talk about hot girls, hot guys. Whatever. We’re very open with each other. So it’s no surprise that I see attractive people and I wonder what my life would be like if I were single. I want to reiterate. I don’t want to be single. I want the life I have. I love my husband. I truly love him. He has loved me at my worst. He has let me be 100% myself. He is a wonderful father.
I’ve never once talked to anyone or crossed any boundaries except for one person that I work with. And when I say that, it sounds ridiculous to say out loud, because not a single thing has happened. Other than very simple and friendly conversations. I just have a massive crush on this person. And maybe this is normal in a marriage, especially when your lives are so separate from that of your spouse. And maybe it’s only natural if you find someone attractive who’s very kind to you and gives you a lot of attention and you have a lot in common with in a work environment. Im with that person a lot and I cant control that and I’ve developes these types of feelings but I’m just scared. Why am I feeling this way. Why do I have these kinds of feelings for this other person and love my husband all at the same time. It’s like a lustful feeling but also a friendship feeling. This person has a lot of qualities that are similar to the type of qualities that I love about my husband.. So I think that’s why this person and I have become fast friends. But he’s completely physically different than my husband and so I don’t understand why I’m so attracted to him. I’ve never said anything about this to anyone. I’ve never touched him. I have messaged him a couple times on Facebook about a pair of shoes we were talking about and a random meme that we were talking about that was funny but it never exceeded anything other than that. But I find myself getting butterflies when he walks in or lingering later just to talk to him. And again, maybe it’s a little flirty, but for the most part it’s always just been very natural and friendly and he likely doesn’t even feel the same. But maybe he does and maybe that’s part of the reason why I’m getting these vibes. I don’t know, i’ve never encountered this before and I’ve been married and with my husband for so long, but I haven’t even thought twice about what someone might think of me or want me other than my husband wanting me until now. Until I had this newfound freedom, I guess, where I am in my own body and free to be who I want to be to an extent. I don’t want to cheat on my husband and I don’t think I would do that. I just don’t know how to make these feelings go away, especially when I’m going to be working with this individual for the foreseeable future on a regular basis. Part of me feels like if I just got to know this person on a more intimate setting, not physically intimate, Just maybe talk about life and other things more with this other person. I would probably quickly realize that it’s not a crush and I don’t actually like this person that way and this person really is just a friend but I hate that that’s where my mind is. Why can’t I just let it go and just accept the love that I have for and from my husband. I know that my husband and I are definitely in a weird place. We fight more and when I say fight, just little tifs here and there about the dumbest stuff, this happens more than we are intimate with each other. I feel like I’m touched out and exhausted and our home life is always just so busy and we’re renovating and I know there’s a lot stacked against us. And then at work, I just feel like I’m free to be myself and so when there’s this other person that seems to enjoy my company…and might find me attractive not bc he has to (not saying my husband has to find me attractive, but
..do you get what I’m saying?) I don’t know. Does any of this make sense? Am I a terrible human being? I want these feelings to go away. I really want them to go away. I want to connect more with my husband. I want to feel totally and madly in love and have butterflies when I’m with my husband. How do I do this? Ugh I feel so crappy.
1 comment
Out of respect for your marriage, you need to create barriers that will keep you from having any sort of intimate contact with your “crush”.
Do not blame yourself for your thoughts or desires. You are only blameworthy for your actions. To the extent that you have engaged in actions to have intimate conversations with this other person, you should accept that blame for yourself and make amends. That means cutting this person out of your life.
You haven’t done anything wrong, so I do not believe you need to “confess” to your husband. You can, but what you are really saying is that you want to get a divorce and you want him to take the first step. Spare him the pain. You owe him that much.