I think my sister is getting scammed into a citizenship marriage
I don’t know what to do. My sister (33f) is dating a 25m. He doesn’t speak English and my sister doesn’t speak Spanish. They’ve been dating for a year about 8 months of it in secret (my sister didn’t say why she kept it secret she just wasn’t sure). I’ve only met him once. I’m very close with my sister. My mom and her side of the family immigrated from
Mexico legally when she was a teen. They are all citizens. Well my sisters boyfriend is an illegal immigrant. She said that he treats her like a queen and spoils her and loves her like she’s never been loved before. But he’s also very very jealous. She was on the phone with me once and he got really mad at her and assumed she was talking to another guy. My sisters excuse for this is that’s just how he is “machismo”. My sister just got out of an incredibly abusive relationship with her ex boyfriend of 8 years. She also has a kid with him. She lived with my sister for a while then moved into her boyfriends after only dating for like 6 months. He really pushed her into it so now she lives in a room with him.
Fast forward to today, he apparently proposed to her on the 5th of August he then planned the whole wedding the day after and quickly ran it by my sister and said he really wanted to get married on his birthday the 29th. My sister wanted my grandparents to be at their wedding before they died so she said yes. They got sick and now can’t attend they tried to postpone but I guess the bf got offended that she wanted to postpone the wedding. She doesn’t want to tell anyone besides my mom and I about the wedding. Not even my other sister who disapproves of this boyfriend.
My mom spent the month trying to convince my sister to postpone at least 6 months to wait this out. They had apparently paid $4000 for a deposit for a law office to marry them that is now non refundable (another reason they can’t cancel). I asked my sister why a law office? The court house is free for the most part or a family member ordained is free too… she said they didn’t know any better and he asked a friend for advice who was in a similar situation.
I don’t know what to do. This all feels so shady to me. Also I didn’t find out until TODAY. The day before the wedding. WTF. And he didn’t even give me or my mom the correct time for the ceremony just the time and address for the reception.
My mom wanted to see my sister in person a few days ago and my sister said she was sick and the boyfriend then texted my mom saying she can’t make it…. Weird and a little manipulative in my eyes.
Tdlr: my sister has been dating a guy who is not a legal citizen for a year. My mom and I have only met him once and he is rushing a marriage with her. Idk what to do.
27 comments
Tell her one time that you are concerned about this and then let her go.
Sadly there are some people who don’t get the lesson unless there are consequences for their choices. Your sister sounds like she’s one of them and she will not see the truth until it’s laid out in front of her by him. Be there for her because she’s gonna need you sooner than you think.
“They had apparently paid $4000 for a deposit for a law office to marry them that is now non refundable (another reason they can’t cancel).”
FYI immigration has a deserved reputation for sleaziest lawyers and non lawyer scammers. Another FYI is that their getting married does NOT guaranty him citizenship or even a legal right to be in the country. For example if he has criminal record or botched immigration status he may get deported after the marriage anyway.
Source a coworker did something similar and hilarity ensued. By hilarity I mean after learning they were going to be deported anyway despite the marriage the new bride just vanished as there was no reason to continue the sham/scam. Coworker was wrecked and left with a mess to clean up.
My suggestion is tell her you are afraid the lawyer is scamming the couple and YOU would like to hire a reputable lawyer to look into the issue. Even before spending any money her potential spouse may balk at the mere idea making it clear something is amiss.
I know it’s your sister and I’d hate to get them in a ton of trouble, but have you thought about calling the authorities or at least threatened to call them? This all sounds shady as fuck and next thing you know she pregnant with an anchor baby…
Tell her you are worried. You are worried she doesn’t know, really know, that she deserves a man who does not control and abuse her.
That kind of machismo gets women killed.
Tell her you love her.
Tell her a man who tries to keep her from the other people who love her is not a good, family man.
Tell her no matter how bad it gets, your door is always open to her and her child.
Tell her you will respect her choice, and welcome and accept him, but that you cannot lie to her and pretend you are not afraid of this for her.
Tell her once, and then let it go, and be civil and welcoming to her choice.
From the sound of it, yes it’s a scam. I do really hate to say it, but I think you should call INS immigration and report what he’s trying to do. These kinds of control and jealousy issues get partners killed.
In the meantime, tell your sister everything that’s wrong with this. It’s too rushed, they dropped 4k on an irrelevant lawyer, their relationship is a bad example for her kid, it’s not like her to hide these things, etc, and try to at least get it postponed.
She might not be being scammed because of citizenship but it definitely sounds like an unhealthy relationship.
I would not approach her from the angle of him scamming or tricking her.
That will put her on the defensive because you’re suggesting she’s not smart enough to figure this out or desirable enough for someone to want her for who she is.
I suggest you share your concerns about how he’s jealous and controlling.
Sadly she’s unlikely to call it off now so just support her and stay in her life for when it all potentially falls apart
Yeah, he’s probably doing it for citizenship. Honestly, I can’t blame people. Life in Mexico can be very hard, and most of us would look for an avenue to a better life through marriage if we could.
Your sister is probably being naive. I lived in Mexico and saw some American/Mexican relationships with two people who didn’t speak each other’s language. It convinced me to be very careful about dating someone from another culture. Relationships and communication are hard enough even when you do share a culture and a language.
Your sister is going to have to learn this lesson on her own, probably. Warn her once and then leave it alone. The more you push her, the less likely she is to admit the mistake when she realizes. Let her know you’re concerned, but you trust her (even if you don’t) and that you’re here for her.
Great, the kid’s going to go from one abusive father to an abusive stepfather.
Just an FYI, though, immigration is actually pretty strict about marriages; he’s not just automatically going to get citizenship because he married an American, especially if he is here undocumented. ICE will ask a lot of questions. Without a visa of some kind, or an asylum status, I don’t see how he’s going to turn this into something that benefits him legally.
I know that everyone else is saying give it one chance and let it rest, but I understand what you’re going through. It’s horrible to watch family members suffer like this. Unfortunately, this seems to be the dynamic she’s attracted to. If possible, don’t let him isolate her entirely. Take her out for activities y’all enjoy together. Keep an eye on your nephew or niece, especially. That’s only if you can handle it, though. It’s very emotionally taxing to be supportive of someone in an abusive relationship.
Tell her to watch a season of 90-day fiancé
You can’t stop her from doing this, but I’d ask her if she really wants to marry this guy and is proud of him and their love why she is keeping it a secret from those around her. You’re right to be worried, but she’s a grown woman, she has to make her own mistakes.
The thing is I totally understand your perspective and agree that this may be one of those citizenship marriage. But my main concern is your sister’s wellbeing and your sister’s kid.
Tell her what you’re concerned of, but tell her too that you’ll support her decision. Don’t isolate her if you can, she’ll probably need you and the family.
Sometimes you just have to wait and see….
This has all been moving so fast does your sister know the implications of marrying this guy? Right now he’s illegal.
That means they can’t just get married. They will have to visit either a consulate in the US for his country or go to one in his country for the interview process.
Also if he intends to live here she will need to prove that she can financially support him on her own until such time as he’s legally allowed to work.
And she will be financially responsible for him I think it’s 10 years or until he gets his citizenship wheather the marriage lasts or not.
Sorry this is unrelated, but she immigrated from Mexico when she was a teen and she can’t speak any Spanish? Or did I read that wrong?
That sounds super sketchy.
Tell her that as an illegal immigrant, you’re worried that his name showing up on a marriage certificate might get him flagged by immigration since marriage without the proper visas won’t give him legal status but will be put into government databases. So, you’d hate to see him get deported for getting married.
*disclaimer: I have no idea if INS runs random searches marriage certificates, but it’ll take her a but of time to research it to find out if your *worry* is a real risk. But, getting married absolutely definitely will not make him legal to be in the country. That only works in movies.
Encourage her to instead file for a marriage visa for him so they can get married and have him be legal.
*disclaimer: this may or may not be possible since he’s already here illegally which may be a big strike against getting a legal visa.
Having her research the legalities and the risks of him getting deported after marriage might buy some time and show her the sketchy waters she’s diving into.
The scammer here would be the lawyer probably scamming illegal immigrants into thinking if they find someone to marry, they’ll be safe from deportation and keeping their research limited by officiating weddings to keep them from talking to anyone who would tell them that’s not how it works.
First, illegal peoples are still people with feelings, so falling in love is normal. However there are just too many red flags here.
1. The age difference and behaviour. When a 33yo dates a 25yo, generally it’s the 33yo who pushes for marriage. The opposite doesn’t make sense. Specially after such a short time dating.
2.He planned the whole wedding himself.: I am a man and believe me, No 25yo guy I know will plan the whole wedding. This is a girl ‘s zone. The only 3 things you are asked the input is Cost, venue and guest list..You’ll be divorced before it even starts..( Except of course if the woman wants you to) . The only guy who is planning his whole marriage I know is a 49yo control freak marrying a 22yo from the Philippines… that’s another story
3.The inflexibility. Weddings are complex events With argy bargy. A jealous, inflexible man is not a good prospect
4. The jealousy. This is the biggest red flag. And It’s not funny because people die.
5. Your sister seems desperate. But above all she is bad at life decisions. She is an adult so all you can and should do is tell her what you think. She makes her bed. She is the one who will lie in it. I just feel for her child
They’re not planning a honeymoon out of the country, are they? Because this is giving me some human trafficking red flags if they are. This whole situation is so sketchy and the fact that you’ve only met him once and it sounds like he’s trying to isolate her from you and he’s older and controlling. Even if I’m wrong, it’s definitely an unhealthy and abusive situation, but please make sure she isn’t about to leave the country with him or anything.
Your sister migrated to the US from Mexico when she was a teenager and she doesn’t speak Spanish?
Or am I getting this completely wrong?
Citizenship takes 5-years and she can withdraw her application at anytime. It doesn’t make sense to scam anyone for citizenship, because if they find out you’re back at square one and if the person is vindictive you could even be deported.
If your worried you can call immigration on him. He must be making money somehow.
I am an American married to an Aussie and living in Australia. When we were engaged I had to jump through so many hoops just to get a “marriage” visa. Things like affidavits from people who knew both of us (both individually and as a couple) attesting to the validity of our relationship, copies of phone bills and letters covering the duration of our courtship etc.
Then once I emigrated we had 9 months to get married and apply for permanent residency. For this we had to provide sworn affidavits (yes again) from people who knew us as a couple and weren’t related to us, copies of bills in both of our names proving that we were living together; there was also other proof that I had to provide that I can’t remember anymore (it was 27 years ago and we are still together).
It amazes me that people try this to eat residency. There are a lot simpler ways I am sure.
Um, how are they in a relationship if they don’t speak the same language? How did he ask her to marry him? What?
It seems like an unhealthy relationship..could be also because imof citizenship. Best to delay it and talk about after all, marriage is not a joke.
I have absolutely no judgement here. I have a friend from El Salvador. She married a man in the states 15 years ago and has 2 children with him. That family has spent an insane amount of money trying to get her citizenship. She was EXTREMENLY close to getting deported but was given extra time thanks to covid. Thinking this man will get his citizenship just because he spent 4K on a lawyer may not work out like they think it will.
It is important for your sister to realize that just because they already spent 4k on the lawyer, getting a divorce will still be more expensive then that. I’m also curious who is the “they” in this situation. Who actually spent the 4k for the lawyer? Who didn’t know you can just married at the courthouse? I agree this all sounds shady.
Anonymously call immigration on the bf.
It sucks but it is her life and you do have to let her live it mistakes or no mistakes. You can’t make her not marry him you can tell her your concerns but that does have consequences either good or bad that can come from that.
Is your sister mentally all there? Does she have a history of mental illness? Low intelligence?
Sounds like she keeps being manipulated by men.
Not sure you can save someone this gullible. Maybe try to adopt her kid so the little guy has some stability.
🤣You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. She left one abusive relationship and dove headfirst into another abusive relationship. At 33 and with a kid she can’t keep making these mistakes. You and your family need to be brutally honest and stop bailing her out from her consequences of her stupid choices.