TLDR; after we broke up he confessed about his marriage, and he’s asking me to allow him to help me heal and build a support system since I’m in a vulnerable position.
A few weeks back, I (22F) broke up with my boyfriend (35M) because he was hiding something on his phone. I didn’t know what it was but I thought since he preferred to break up than to show me its better to walk away.
We’d been together for 8 months, and I always had this gut feeling that he was keeping something from me. Then, just a few days ago, he came to talk to me and dropped a bombshell: turns out what he was hiding was his messages with his wife. he’s got a wife and a kid this whole time, the same kid he told me was his nephew. He told me he’s only staying with his wife for the sake of the kid and they barely talk, which is obviously no excuse. He said the only reason he didn’t tell me when we were together is because when we first started dating he wasn’t serious but he fell in love and he didn’t see that coming. And that ever since he wanted to tell me but he was scared i would leave him if i knew.
He’s saying that all the love and promises were real. But what’s the point if they were built on a fake base?
I was crushed, seriously cried and yelled
– felt like the biggest betrayal in my life.
Now he’s asking me to allow him to be there for me, wanting to help me heal. Quick context, I recently escaped an abusive family situation in my home country and met this guy after. and he was the only person I allowed into my vulnerable world. He is my sole source of support in this foreign land.
Considering my circumstances being alone in this foreign country, he proposes that we continue in touch as family to help me establish a new support system.
This arrangement would involve gradual emotional detachment while maintaining clear boundaries, especially since I now know about his marriage. I am not sure if this is a good idea since he is a narcissist but he is aware and trying his best to be better. Despite my desire to forgive him, my heart is weighed down by pain and anger, making it difficult to let go and heal. Please give me your advice since i have no one to ask for help from.
10 comments
He just doesn’t want you to tell his wife. He doesn’t care about you or how he hurt you, he just doesn’t want to face any consequences for his actions.
Everything he has told you is a lie. He doesn’t want to help you, he just wants sex.
You only have two options here – cut contact completely or tell his wife and cut contact completely.
This 35 year old man does not love you. You were a side piece that he was using for sex because he knows that you are young, naïve, and easy to manipulate and that is exactly what he is doing.
He is a liar, and a cheater, and a manipulator, and he will say and do whatever he can to keep doing this to you. You need to get him out of your life fully and completely.
I mean, it’s a yes or no question.
Do you think that his wife deserves to be able to make an informed choice for herself about who she’s in a relationship with?
How is the person that lied to and manipulated you also supposed to be the person to help you heal?
Really consider how someone that would do that to you genuinely wants to support and help you in any way.
All this is is another attempt to manipulate you, mostly so you won’t find his wife and tell her. Don’t let him do that.
Do not trust this as a sincere offer. He is not in a position to help you build a support system. Even if he introduces you to his friends, that just further enmeshes him in your life. Allowing him to provide a support network also means he can take it away at any time. What if he were to introduce you to his friends but then his wife finds out about his lies and the friends have to choose sides?
Right now, your focus should be on finding ways that you can create a broad network of support in ways that are unattached to him.
Are there other areas of your life where you can slowly build a trusting and supportive social network? Are you in this new country for a job or school? Are there kind people in those situations where you could simply say, “I am trying to make friends here. Can we get together sometime? Is there a group activity I could join in?”
Alternatively, I wonder if there is a support group of other immigrants from your country of origin that you could join? Or do you have a unique hobby or interest that you could meet people through?
All cheaters say the same old story. The wife is the bad guy, it’s loveless marriage. She mistreat him and they’re the real victim. If they’re only together because of the kid, I don’t think he’ll mind if you talk to his wife and see if she approves of this.
He is not trying to help you, he is trying to control and manipulate you because he knows exactly how vulnerable you are and how to exploit that vulnerability and fear.
He knows that if you continue to depend on him, you will be forced to keep his secret. You will be forced to not tell his wife that he’s been cheating on her for the past 8 months. You’ll be forced to continue to depend on him.
I understand that it can be terrifying to be all alone in the world, in a place you don’t know very well. But, that is a fear you can face and conquer. Go out and do things you enjoy, meet people your age and get to know them, establish your life as your own. You’ll find friends. You’ll explore your new(ish) city and country. You’ll find people to connect with. You’ll find new routines. You’ll be ok. You’ll be better off without him dragging you down.
Also, if you can find his wife, tell her. She deserves to know what her husband has been doing.
>after we broke up he confessed about his marriage, and he’s asking me to allow him to help me heal and build a support system since I’m in a vulnerable position.
All cheaters are manipulative liars, but my god, I think this is the most audacious bit of manipulation I’ve ever heard of.
He doesn’t want to help you. He wants to stay in contact so he can manipulate you some more.
Keeping him in your life in ANY capacity would be stupidity.
A 35 year old man banging a 22 year old just for fun? What else is new?