I have a boyfriend right now he’s 20 and I’m 18. I’m in a extremely toxic situation right now and I don’t know how to get out of it. For starters, I am living in a homeless shelter and my boyfriend lives here as well. I started dating him when I just turned 16 and he had just turned 18. We’ve been off n on for 2 years, it was our 2 years on August 28th 2023. He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend when we first got together. He didn’t fuck her or anything but he’d text her I love you and call her n text her all the time, he’d say that he misses her and sent jerking off vids to her while we were together. He knew I knew his ex’s name and so her name on his phone was “that girl I know”. That hurt. I found out on Thanksgiving of 2021. I cried In his grandmother’s bathroom during dinner. Full blown sobbing. I tried to get over it but I couldn’t and ended up attempting suicide that December and got sent to the psych ward for 2 weeks and put on new medication. I forgave him because I did get with him knowing he wasn’t completely over the hurt that she did to him. He never gives/gave me attention, he only took me out on a date once since we’ve been together. He forgot about our 2 year anniversary and there’s a fair coming up n I was hoping to make it up to me that he’d wanna go and pay for it since he just got payed. And it’s not like we have to pay rent or anything, the place we r staying at is free. Only thing he has to pay for is his gas and car insurance and any fix ups for his car. But instead he spent 200 dollars on a wheel for his ps5. It’s the biggest fair in Ohio and I thought he’d really care because back in 2021 we went together and that has always been my favorite memory of us. We even had this little photo booth photo of us that was our favorite. There were so many people there but it felt like only us. But then he won’t give me attention, yesterday I gave him an ultimatum and told him if he doesn’t put more effort in by 3 weeks then I’m gonna break up with him. I’ve talked with him multiple times. Numerous times. He gets mad easily and frustrated and it scares me. Never mad at me but just the game or other shit. He’ll drive like a maniac, knowing the next soeeding ticket he’ll get will cause his license to get suspended. This one time I hurt my finger badly in his room cuz I like slammed it against something by accident n almost knocked his PS5 over. He was more worried Abt his console then he was abt me who was on the floor crying. This was when I first moved into the shelter and my new roommate had gone to the ER with me instead of my boyfriend because he “knew I was ok”. Even tho it was like purple n swollen n shit. Another time my eating disorder was bad and I was fainting alot at my old job at Walmart n I had a issue b4 where my EKG QTC was abnormal and prolonged. I wanted him to go to the ER with me but he was sleeping instead. Tried asking him but he didn’t go with me. He didn’t even call or text. I had to go there alone and was there for 6 hours. Not one singular text. Had to walk home. There’s been times where we’d have plans and he’d just sleep through them or id have to walk 6 miles to his house. When it was his birthday I bought him rob zombie concert tickets and slipknot tickets but for my birthday all he gave me was dick. Not even a little note or card. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zero. He could give 2 fucks. He throws shit and slams shit in my room when he gets mad and it gives me flashbacks which I’ve told him but he still does it. He’ll leave shit in my room like a plate of wings and then a ton of ants ended up in my room. Will leave dishes and so much stuff of his in my room. He moved his PS5 in my room so now he’s always In here. He’ll fall asleep in my room and then that causes me to get yelled at by the staff. He wants to get a house with 2 other friends and myself in 3 months but I know that’d be a mistake but I also still love him and want out of this god forsaken shelter cuz it’s a fucking hell hole. Idk what to do. I broke up with him b4 and he showed up to my workplace super drunk n was outside tryna beg me to get back with him. He threatened to kill himself. And all this shit. We got back together 4 months later. Why? Idfk. I still care. N I wish things would work out but it seems broken beyond repair and just not good for me. Ik it’s not good for me. I’ve been so fucking depressed beyond fucking comprehension. I already deal with depression and I have bipolar 1 and so I already deal with that but it’s been maximized because of all this stress. Idk what to do or how to leave or if I should leave. I’ve been told I’m pretty and ig I have a nice personality according to other people and ik there’s a lot of other guys and gals who’s love s chance with me but I find myself stuck and I’m not rlly interested in anyone else rn. I need to get better there’s alot of shit I need to deal with outside of this relationship. But I feel lost. So lost. And so alone. My dog was my reason for staying alive but she passed away 10 days before my 18th birthday. She was my little girly and I miss her so much. My little Ava. I need her. I wanna just kill myself. I wanna cut myself until I bleed out and take a ton of my antidepressants and Ritalin and painkillers all at once. I can’t do it anymore. I have a plan to clean up my room n put my shit in bags and then jus anyone can take my shit. I don’t want to be here I can’t. I can’t live with this or myself or my paranoia or my thoughts. I have no reason to be here. There’s nothing for me here. I’m just a waste of space.
2 comments
Pmd
Break up