My (27F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been dating for two and a half years now. I have a very well paying, steady career whereas he has had a series of low to decent paying jobs since we’ve began dating. Essentially our finances are that of two single people. I pay for the entirety of my mortgage, insurance, my truck payments, the water, energy, tv/internet bills, etc. And although he’s lived with me for 2 years now, he does not contribute to any of these things. I pay for my own food, he pays for his own food, etc. It has been a sore spot in our relationship, albeit more so on my end. I have asked many times for some sort of financial contribution, even a couple hundred dollars a month, anything. But he always has excuses that he doesn’t have any money, he will have money soon, or maybe his next job will pay enough. I’ve tried to encourage him to go back to school since he has the freedom to, not many people are in the position where their partner is able to fully support them while they set themselves up for a well paying job. However he seems content with his life and work situation now.
He just dropped the news on me that he’s going to be financing a brand new sports car. He already has an older SUV that needs a lot of work however it is still running. He plans to sell it later.
I love him dearly. But I feel used. I’ve expressed how much I wish he would contribute in some way, any way. If he can’t contribute to our situation financially, then at least I’ve asked him to take care of the house while I’m working, make supper every once in a while, anything. He is off work weeks at a time because of his schedule and spends the entire time playing video games and sleeping.
What should I do? I don’t know how to show him how unfair I feel our situation is. Is it even unfair? I don’t know if I’m right to be unhappy with the situation. I don’t want to leave him, but I’m deeply unhappy. I want to feel like an equal with my partner, and I want my partner to want to work towards a good life with me. He has dreams and aspirations but does nothing to work towards them.
Side note, I’m a very passive person. I actively avoid confrontation. It has been very uncomfortable for me to bring this issue up to him even though he is my boyfriend, but I have done it and been somewhat firm about it. I have never given him an ultimatum before, but maybe that is the answer?
TLDR I’m unhappy with financially supporting myself and my boyfriend. I have asked for help and encouraged him to set himself up financially to help, but he will not. Now he’s about to finance an expensive car.
8 comments
>I have never given him an ultimatum before, but maybe that is the answer?
Personally I’d just dump him. You’re assuming an ultimatum would have an effect on someone who has proven himself to be profoundly selfish and lazy.
While you’re at it, please get yourself a copy of “The Disease To Please” by Dr. Harriet Braiker so you can get a grip on why you’ve been tolerating his behavior for so long.
>I don’t know how to show him how unfair I feel our situation is.
You’ve already showed him. You’ve explained it to him in plain language. The problem is not that he DOESNT UNDERSTAND. He is very comfortable as-is. Its WILDLY unfair to you but he’s VERY COMFORTABLE with that arrangement.
He has made it plain that you will NEVER have an equal partner in him and he will not be the man you hope he can be. He will continue to live exactly this way until it is no longer comfortable for him and only then will he change things.
I do not see how an ultimatum will help here, as the problem is he’s using and hurting his partner and he is aware of it and does not care. How can an ultimatum MAKE him care about your feelings? It may convince him to look for a better job, but i guarantee that if he’s been comfortable using you for two and a half years, he will not be motivated to put in the effort required to become a self-sufficient and stable adult who is an equal teammate and active participant in pursuing your shared goals and dreams.
He isn’t going to change. Time to move on.
In addition to my last comment, i think its fucking DEVASTATING that you have BEGGED this man to respect your contributions to the household for TWO YEARS and he has responded with excuses as to why he can’t participate in his own way, and yet he’s fucking BOLD enough to spend what money he has on a fucking SPORTS CAR. Like i’m legitimately so hurt for you.
He is ok spending his money on frivolous things that benefit only him, but he’s not willing to pay rent, bills, etc.
Thats just such a “fuck you” to your feelings and i can’t believe he would think that was appropriate at all.
You may love him, but he doesn’t even respect you, OP. He is mooching off you and has been for years at this point. He doesn’t pay for things, he doesn’t contribute to the household…what are you getting out of this relationship?
An ultimatum is pointless. What you want is an entirely different person than the one you’re dating. One who cares and wants to contribute fairly to a partnership.
Stop wasting your time thinking you can fix or change this guy.
It’s unfair not necessarily because one person has more financial responsibility, that’s common, but because he is not listening to you when you say you’d like some contribution to housing and frankly that he hasn’t raised this himself is the big red flag. Like. I pay for basically everything in my relationship atm until my partner gets a job. Which is kinda stressful because I am a worrier by nature and I worry about keeping us safe and housed and whatnot but like. That’s what I do. But what keeps me from feeling truly resentful or like I’m taken advantage of is that my partner checks in with me about whether I’m ok with the situation, she is actively thankful to me because yeah, having a partner to support you is a privilege not everyone has, I’ve never had a partner who could financially support me in that way, so it is nice to know my partner appreciates me and doesn’t take for granted I will do it. And she asked how much she would ideally need to earn for me not to feel like she’s just fucking about while I work all day, and that also varies because the fact that like. She considers this and asks instead of assuming counts for a lot. So no. You’re not being unfair at all. Like yes. It is your house. Technically no he doesn’t have to pay your mortgage. But you don’t have to let him stay in your house without any contribution whatsoever when the man hasn’t even shown the basic decency to check that you’re ok with that. Like yeah he shouldn’t feel like he doesn’t have any control over his money or isn’t able to buy anything for himself but he’s getting way too comfy coasting off you. He is not acting like a partner. If you’d made a deal to support him while he did XYZ and he did what was within his power to support you that would be different but he’s acting in a very individualist way and that is not healthy in a partnership
Yes, he’s using you and has no plans to change that. You need to break up with this leech.
It’s not that he doesn’t have the money to contribute. He does, he just doesn’t want to spend it on essentials like housing and bills.
He isn’t going to change because there are no consequences for his actions. You bring it, he makes up some bullshit excuse and everything just keeps going. Why would he want to change this? It’s the perfect arrangement for him.
Keep in mind that your boyfriend knows your frustrations, he knows that he’s being a shitty partner and he knows that he lies to you about his financial situation. So given that he clearly doesn’t respect you, why do you want to stay with him?