I (35M) married my wife (36F) two years ago, having been together for about 7 years.
We had moved in together a year into our relationship and things were idyllic. We have a lot of common interests, very similar background and had a really good friendship before becoming a couple.
About 4 years into our relationahip I developed a particularly nasty case of depression and my business failed. I lost everything and had to start, financially, from scratch.
Naturally our relationship suffered. My wife refused to acknowledge that my depression was real. I was told to get over it and get on with life. I hurt myself a number of times, just for some relief from the mental anguish, but she refused to believe that what I felt was real.
After about 12 months of misery I ended up on anti-depressants. I put on a lot of weight too which wasn’t good for my self esteem as I had always been athletic. I can’t remember why I decided to turn to a counsellor or what gave me the urgency to begin, but I started to attend bi-weekly session as I tried to rebuild my life. That alone was a bitter pill. I had to pay someone to listen to me, to converse with me, because my partner wouldn’t. To her eternal credit she paid the rent on her own for 3 to 4 months and allowed me full use of her car so that I could find work, but she never showed the slightest sympathy for what was a complete mental breakdown.
Ever since that phase my wife will not trust my opinion or my judgement on anything. I’ve rebuilt myself, found a terrific, well-paid job, eat healthily, I’ve even lost the weight. But every day now, even the most simpe decisions are cause for suspicion and every choice I make is criticized.
I never feel as though she has my back, that I have her support or even that I can get through any endeavour without her turning on me and making things difficult.
For example, this morning in ordering my daughter’s school uniform an argument developed over a rain jacket. She argued that my daughter already had a jacket, I insisted that the jacket she had was not waterproof and it was herhas complained about my daughter arriving home last term with wet clothes. She refused to acknowledge she ever made such comments.
Yesterday it was my complaining over a colleague who had reneged on a long standing deal. Her response was that people won’t like me for complaining, I shouldn’t take about it and should just fix things myself. Every day I will do something to allow her the opportunity to point out that I ‘dont think the right way’ and In any argument, confrontation or dispute she will not only refuse to support me, she will take the opposing side. On any issue the one thing I can depend on is that my wife will take the opposing side.
I’m exhausted. I don’t even have the energy to finish writing what should be a much more detailed and specific post. I’ve started and now I can’t even bring myself to go into the details. I don’t know what I want from this post, but I’m beginning to feel that I wish I wasn’t around.
4 comments
What is the reason for your wife denying that you were depressed? It sounds like you guys went through a hard patch financially and it isn’t easy when your partner is depressed, but it sounds like she wasn’t supportive of you emotionally at all. In sickness and in health, right? That includes mental health.
Would she be willing to see a counselor with you? Do you think she holds on some resentment for when you lost your job?
I really, seriously applaud you for proactively working on your depression. That’s amazing. And losing weight too!! Awesome.
Now you two probably need to get into couples counseling to work on empathy and communication. Hopefully she will be able to have/show empathy for what you went through.
That said. I disagree with this statement of yours.
That alone was a bitter pill. I had to pay someone to listen to me, to converse with me, because my partner wouldn’t.
Your partner is not your therapist and even if she were trained to be one, she wouldn’t work with you as a client. That’s not an appropriate role for a partner. Some listening yes. Empathy, yes. But a regular person is just not equipped to take on everything for you.
I am so sorry you are struggling with this. Have you considered talking to a marriage counselor or pastor? No shame in it. This life can be a mess and sometimes having that third party unbiased source help us sort through this mess called life can do wonders. I would also suggest checking out various marriage materials. A couple examples are things like the book The Love Dare or sites like Focus on the Family. Just a few ideas for you. I hope they help. God bless.
So just an update.
There was no reconciliation or anything healthy like that. I slept on the floor for a few nights.
She had an accident at work, actually down to the mistepa of a work colleague.
I had to leave work and go to the hospital. She was held for a few hours but released with just painkillers and advised to return if symptoms presented after 8-12 hours.
I always think you support people on times of difficulty, I would do that without question and that is what I’ve done, but rather conveniently things have been swept beneath the rug for now.