My partner and I have gotten our first home and moved in last week. We have moved away from family due to his work. We are about an hour flight away from home. Both of us really want to spend Christmas on our own together in our new home but his mother is pressuring us to come home and keeps pestering us to book our flights now or that she is happy to pay for them for us.
I explained to her we hadn’t decided yet if we wanted to come home for Christmas and that we might spend it on our own. She was not happy with this. She isn’t happy that we have moved so far away from her and this was the icing on the cake for her. She burst into tears and said she wasn’t ready to not see her son at Christmas. We consoled her but she is still very upset about it. My partner loves his family and this made him instantly change his mind. He suggested we could fly home on Boxing Day instead for a couple of days and that that would mean we would still get to spend Christmas on our own. I appreciate this and his compromise, I thought it was a sweet thought. I hate flying and I know airports are crazy busy over Christmas but I said I would be up for that idea if he wanted to.
Well he suggested this to his mother and she was still upset. She wants him there on Christmas, no compromise. She suggested we fly out on Christmas Eve and spend the night at her house. I’m starting to feel suffocated from this honestly. We have only been away for a week and she is acting like she hasn’t seen him in years. Where do we go from here?
46 comments
Come home. It’s Christmas and an important time for most families. You’ll have plenty of other nights and days to spend on your own.
Unless there’s more to the relationship and it’s a damaging/toxic one.
My husband and our little family moved a few states away for his job and his dad & step mom were furious that we were not going to come back and visit for Christmas ONE month after we just moved. It was “unheard of.” *eyeroll* Unfortunately, they had to stay mad, we had Christmas in our new home and made wonderful memories. We make summer trips to visit them, but have since preferred to not go back for Christmas. They got over it.
Put your foot down op, a grown woman shouldn’t be trying to manipulate her son and his partner like this.
You’ve just got your own home together, it’s understandable you want to create your own Christmas memories now, she needs to accept that. If you don’t do it now it’ll be the same every year, she’ll just cry until she gets her own way.
Your partners compromise is fair, she needs to realise her little boy is now a grown man with his own family and it’s not fair if her to enforce her herself into his life like this anymore
You’re going to have to pull your big girl panties up and start setting boundaries.
Both of you, tell her firmly that you want to spend your first Xmas together on your own in your own home. You’ve offered her a compromise, she either takes it or leaves it.
How you stand up to your mil now will help dictate future episodes where she demands your time and attention. Otherwise wait whilst you get kids, it will be a lot worse
Congratulations on getting your first home together!
The first year in your new home, or starting to live together, is always the hardest. As you find your own routines, your own ways of doing things and how best to work together to build the life you want with each other.
If you have made the move away from your family you are obviously happy as a couple and see a good future ahead for you both.
My advice is stop trying to make other people happy at the risk of making yourselves unhappy. Make decisions together and stick to them. Do what is best for the two of you as 99% of the time it will just be the two of you together so don’t let other peoples drama impact your day to day life.
Lay boundaries now, do not compromise beyond what you are comfortable with. Stick to your decisions and enforce your boundaries. If you give in now, you MIL will learn that she can emotionally manipulate you to do what she wants, and the guilt, tantrums and manipulation will only grow as she sees her son building his own life and no longer needed his Mum.
Do not engage any further. “I/We understand you are disappointed, but this is what we have chosen to do for our first Christmas. Please respect our decision and we will not discuss this any further’. Repeat as necessary.
Where do you go from here? Just tell her you’re not coming back for Christmas. She can get mad. It’s not your job to manage her emotions. Bite the bullet and get it done.
Don’t give in. Spend Christmas the way you want to. If you let her get her way this time, it won’t ever end.
Parents need to stop acting like 28 is the new 18. At 22 my parents were married, and at 30 I was still being guilted about not seeing mom and dad on Christmas. Fuck.
My MIL is exactly like this. After 15yrs together she still has a tantrum when any one of her sons decides to do something else other than spend the entire day at her house. We all have our own kids, spouses family etc. It’s gotten to the point of where she’s said we can have Christmas with our children after she dies…
Fucking nutjob.
Put your foot down. She’ll get over it.
Does your partner actually want to spend it away from his family or is he just going along with you? Most people do care enough to visit parents at Christmas ?
What about your family don’t they care about seeing you?
Stand your ground and convince him to do this too.
Caving in this first time will set the precedent for every year hence, don’t go and next year her argument will be weaker, year three even weaker.
This sets the pattern
When my husband and I were in our 20s, we spent one Christmas on our own. It was very special, we loved it. Both of our families were horrified and claimed to be devastated we weren’t coming, but they ended up perfectly fine celebrating with the rest of the family on Christmas.
We have seen our families every single other Christmas before and after. It is absolutely fine to take one for yourselves. Trying to compromise was kind and his mom should have happily accepted. Flying at Christmas is often a nightmare. Maybe you can visit for Thanksgiving this year? I would put your foot down on Christmas given how she is behaving.
‘we appreciate the offer but we have made other plans for this year’ then repeat ‘that doesn’t work for us’.
Also, you need to talk with your partner about holding the agreed line and not being swayed by his mother when she turns on the water works. You two are living together now – does she expect that you never see your family or loved ones on the holidays and always go to her? This is a good start for her to realise her son is an adult, has a life outside of her, will start making his own traditions with his family of choice and if she wants to be included, she will need to be respectful of that.
If you just bought a house in the current market (or even renting with that cost and the tenancy deposit bond), do you even have the cash to afford the pumped up cost of flights over the holiday season? And who wants to travel in that crazy? Do what is smart – save your cash, stay home (Christmas at home without in-laws or extended family is brilliant! So much less stress and much better food) and MIL can start to realise that she doesn’t own the holidays. Make a plan to see her in 2024. If she only wants major holidays, it’s more about optics and control than actually spending time together.
I caught covid last winter flying during the Christmas season and almost died from it. Don’t recommend flying during the holidays.
Your adults you do what you want. She can be upset that you have different plans – but she needs to deal with her own feelings.
Go buy a big pair of scissors. Get one bottle of ketchup.. now apply some ketchup around the scissors and Lay on bathroom counter…. Then place a box of tissue Near the scissors and ketchup. Take a picture. Then send it to crazy mother.
Put an explanation with the pic that you both just cut the Ambilical chord and the tissue is there in case she needs it as she cries..
If the crazy mother still doesn’t get it, you probably should consider dumping the boyfriend because she will be nothing but a war for the rest of your life…. And with no sense of humor why waste your time.
Boxing Day is fine and a sweet compromise. She will get used to you making your own decisions only if you make them and stick to them.
How about telling mama No.
Don’t let those tears control your life
Awwww, that’s most unfortunate. Your partner should be the one to sit down and talk with his Mom. Does she have a spouse, friends, or other children?
It sounds like she’s afraid to be alone. She should talk to someone to help her process her feelings. But that’s on her. It’s not on him to fulfill her emotional needs. She has every right to miss her son , and that’s about it.
I would try talking to her friends and other family about sharing the emotional load of supporting his Mom. Can’t she spend Christmas with other family this year?
But this should most definitely come from your partner. He must step up now.
Good luck and welcome to the world of homeownership! 🙂
Your partner’s compromise offer was a thoughtful and reasonable one.
Realize his mom isn’t getting exactly what she wants but she does get to see you in December and you can FaceTime Christmas morning.
My suggestion would be to stick to your partner’s very reasonable compromise and not get guilted by the crocodile tears of his mother.
Reason being IMO this is going to probably be the easiest way set the tone for future decisions his mother/family may not be happy with.
Examples:
Your partner and you decide to take a trip to another country to celebrate his birthday. His mom starts crying she wants him to celebrate at her house and starts the guilt whining about how she never sees him.
You get pregnant and as part of the rush of joy his mom states she will come stay with you the week before and month after you deliver to help. Partner tells her there will be no visitors for the first month after baby comes home (which is reasonable to allow your family to bond and you to recover). His mom starts with the water works again with a rant of how selfish you are to keep her from her grandchild.
I’m all for compromise but when an inch is offered and the mile is still demanded then not so much.
Boxing day was a more than generous compromise from you and your partner. If you don’t set your boundaries now, you will be traveling with newborn for Christmas one day. And that, you don’t want to do!
So give mom a choice either boxing day or an hour or 2 via zoom/FaceTime (whatever you feel comfortable with) during Christmas. That way she sees her son Christmas and you get your memories.
Sorry, ma. Your kid is grown up and building a home of his own. She’s gonna have to get used to him not visiting for some holidays eventually, might as well start now. Throwing tantrums is not going to make anyone want to hang out, it’s just going to push people away.
How old was she when she first skipped Christmas at her in-laws??
This was our worry when we bought our first home and I have been a people pleaser all my life. Literally left jobs to go home for Christmas as my family would kick off. However when we moved in I told family straight up we would be having Christmas in our home and if they wanted to come on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day they were welcome. Put you and yours first sometimes, you’re entitled to want to spend the day in a home you’ve worked hard for!
Growing older, it’s been really appealing (and nice) to do our own Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not every year, but some years, and especially right after we had just moved. Are our parents sad the years we aren’t able to be physically together on holidays? Probably. But it’s not like we don’t miss them too. But we are our own household and have to make choices that are good for our finances, our comfort, and our sanity.
She will just have to take “no.” She’s not being terrorized by her son not being there on Christmas Day, and she can’t just bully and pressure you into doing something you don’t want. You’re grown adults who have moved away. It’s the way life is.
The discussion is just over. You stop communicating with her on the subject, and let your partner manage his own parent.
Make plans to FaceTime.
I dunno. I kind of feel bad for his mom. You guys are young without your own kids (?) and most people your age still go home for Christmas. You can’t blame her for expecting it especially if Christmas was a big deal in their home all these years and it sounds like it was given her talking about it now and offering to pay for the tickets. Coming home after Christmas isn’t the same at all. Your partner is stuck in the middle here.
Mummy is going to have to put on her big girl panties and deal with fact her baby boy is a grown ass married man and has his own life now. His compromise was a good one. Praise him for it and gently reinforce the two of you are adults with your own life.
You don’t go anywhere from here. You stay home and enjoy your first Christmas together by yourselves.
No is a complete sentence FFS
Stop negotiating with his mother, she’s an emotional abuser and is extremely manipulative. Tell her you’re not coming to Christmas end of. When she cries end the conversation and move on. There’s nowhere to go from here other than having Christmas the way you planned and his mum having no choice but to get over it.
What you do here is very important. He offered compromise, she declined. Don’t go at all.
You need to stand firm. Do not discuss this with her for a moment longer because you have made your decision. If she brings it up “we have told you we are staying here for Christmas and it’s not open for debate.” If she persists, hang up. Stop replying to her texts, etc. It will suck at first. She will probably freak out. But she will learn that your word is final, you mean what you say, and her badgering you is going to mean she can’t talk to you. The more you give in the worse it will be.
My husband asked me a few years ago out of the Christmases we had together which one did I like the best. He was an only child, I had six brothers and sisters and an entire tribe of aunts, uncles and cousins. We had three kids and three grandkids. I ran some 40 years of Christmases through my memory and finally told him “The ones we spent completely alone without any other family around.” There were precisely three of those in all the years we had together, and I still cherish the memories of lazy days spent in our pjs, eating Chinese takeout and watching our favorite movies all day.
Please have your husband tell his mother that you will see her on the 26th or 27th but you are starting your own family, your own traditions and will not spend Christmas Eve in an airplane to make her stop crying. You need to establish this now and she needs to learn she cannot get her own way by behaving like a two-year-old who is told they can’t pull the cat’s tail.
“Actually we’ve booked a trip to Hawaii”
There’s a movie with this EXACT SAME plot with Diane Keaton I think it was.
If she’s anything like my mother, you just have to stick with your decision, be kind, and then be prepared for the endless passive aggressive comments about it.
The year my husband and I got engaged and didn’t drive through a snowstorm to my moms Christmas Day (we went the next day when my sister was up from out of state and it wasn’t snowing buckets), I was blamed for “ruining Christmas“.
Its annoying and hurtful, but it’s either deal with her bullshit or do what she wants when she wants every year, which Im not willing to do.
I agree with others that you should spend the holiday the way you want. You and your husband have started your own family and this takes priority. My parents retired a few years ago about 3-4 hours away. We have stared doing Zoom calls for holidays where we cannot see eachother in person. Last night was my daughters 3rd bday so we called them with a candle on a cupcake for her, we sang over video together, and then she opened the presents they mailed to her so they could see. Could you compromise and do a video call on the day and then travel to see them at a different time?
You are starting new traditions in your home. When/if you have kids, the travel expectation of the grandparents is high. If you put your foot down now and say, we are celebrating at home. I will say from experience, YOU should stay away from that conversation and let your partner deal with it. Otherwise you will find yourself on the justnomil subreddit
If you cave this year you will have the same problem next year and for every disagreement fri. Here on out. End the conversation – re offer the compromise and say it’s this or nothing. And don’t entertain anything beyond a yes or no from her.
Setting new expectations is difficult, but you can do it. You and your partner will have to accept that his mom will be upset. She’s allowed to feel that way! What she isn’t allowed to do is try to make her feelings the deciding factor in your lives. Kids grow up, they move away sometimes, and everyone has to adjust.
Put your foot down now and hard, or she will believe that crying will get her want she wants every time.
Is their relationship good? Is your relationship with her good? If yes and yes, I feel like sometimes we just need to do things to make the people we love happy. I’m sure your moving was a big change for her. You’re both still so young. Going back for Christmas is a compassionate move.
If the relationships are poor, it’s a different story. But good moms give up a lot for their children. When you’re adults, sometimes you should to return the favor.
She’s going to miss him more now (after just a week) than in a few months.
Christmas is in three months. In Europe it’s reasonable to book flights 1 month in advance (as in reasonable price), so I’m basing this on that.
Tell her that you fist have to settle in your house, and only then you will think about traveling. Be firm on the fact that you will not book any flight for another two months (or one and a half, if you prefer).
Just say no. That’s a complete sentence
First all. Change your mind set. You keep saying she wants us home. We aren’t sure we want to go home. Your house is home now. You are home. Second. You don’t need permission to stay home. Tell your man we made this decision together. We are sticking to it. I have adult kids as well as minors. Would I love all of them home with me for every holiday? Hell yes. But they have families they made now. That’s their home now. I never ever mention coming here. If they do, I’m all over it. She needs to let go and the sooner she starts. The better.
Read this essay about guilt. I found it on Reddit a long time ago.
________
For the feelings of doubt and guilt you are experiencing:
Guilt can be a helpful feeling when you’ve wronged someone, because it helps you hopefully make better choices in the future and grow to be a better person. However there are times when guilt is what my therapist called “inappropriate guilt”, and that’s when you feel guilty over things you don’t need to, don’t deserve to, or shouldn’t ever feel guilty for. Oftentimes we feel this inappropriate guilt when others get upset over or strongly disagree with our choices/boundaries, especially if they also guilt trip us about it.
I’ve dealt with inappropriate guilt many times in my life before. My therapist recommended me to go through these questions and phrases when I’m wondering if my guilt is “appropriate” or “inappropriate” guilt:
* Why are you feeling guilty?
* Did you actually do something wrong or cause real harm to the other person? (And no, them being inconvenienced or upset that they didn’t get their way is NOT harm!)
* Or did you do something innocuous (not harmful) that the other person just doesn’t want you to do?
* Does the other person have an ulterior motive for making you feel guilty?
* Is the other person a reasonable, trustworthy person? Or do they have a history of manipulation, mooching, selfishness, guilt tripping, and/or cruel behavior?
If you did do wrong then apologize and make things right with the person you wronged/harmed.
However if you didn’t do anything wrong and they’re guilt tripping you then reminding yourself of these phrases might help:
* You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions or how they choose to react to your decisions. If your actions aren’t harming anyone, yet someone else chooses to be upset over it anyways, then that’s their choice to make- let them be upset!
* You are not responsible for other people’s (or their children’s) mental, emotional, financial, or physical well-being. It’s on them to take care of themselves and their dependents, not you.
* It’s ok to disagree with other people over your choices.
* It’s ok for other people to be upset over your choices.
* It’s ok to say “no” to something that harms or inconveniences you, or even if you just plain don’t want to do it.
* Just because someone is upset it doesn’t automatically mean you did anything wrong. Sometimes people get upset just because they’re not getting their way.
* It’s not your job to fix the situation or their emotions. Their emotions are their responsibility to manage.
* Being a good person does not equal being a doormat! You can be a kind, generous person and set healthy boundaries, refuse to tolerate disrespect towards you/your loved ones, and not allow others to take advantage of you.
* You matter too! Prioritizing your mental, emotional, financial, and physical well-being is important.
* Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If helping them hurts you, then say no!
Idk what boxing day is but you could fly down the day after Xmas or something that way its still within the Christmas time frame.
But for future issues like this- you don’t respond to her. Make him do it. You’re young so I’m going to assume you don’t have a long relationship with his mother and it’ll only get more difficult for you both if she starts accusing you of keeping him away. Logic plays no part in crazy in laws and so its really just best if he deals with issues from his family and you deal with ones from yours atleast for a while. If she contacts you personally about an issue, tell her you’ll see what (partners name) wants to do and that you’ll (together) can get back to her. You don’t want to seem not interested in being her family because that can cause absolute hell down the road, but you also don’t want to seem like the one making too many negative decisions.
Some people just expect family to always show up for everything, some people like to spend these moments in their own happy world away from everyone. These two types almost always butt heads. It can possibly save you some greif in the future.