So me(27) and my husband(25) are married for a year, and he told me few days ago that he wants to feel less emotions to not experience sadness or negative emotions, at the same time happiness.
To make me feel the same way, he came to me and said “I think I will fall in love with someone else, and if you want, you can do the same”. I of course got confused, cried later, had major anxiety attacks and the reason of his action was to make me feel no emotions while hearing what he says. Like an experiment, he wanted to test me, saying that he actually does not want to leave me.
He wants me to not care about if he leaves me, or he does whatever he wants, it should not mentally touch me. I am a person full of emotions, love, care, joy, and he wants me to become emotionless. He keeps saying that I am a people pleaser, too emotional (I cry when K watch something emotional and jump if i am really happy).
We argued few days because of this and he can’t stop, I am going to start a therapy, but he does not even agree to it, he says I should just work on myself with no help and become someone who doea not care about the actions of other people.
I feel broken, because he was smiling and soo happy on our wedding but as he mentioned he did not feel so much happiness and it was fake, as in his past he was a very emotional person and was going through depression due to being rejected from girls and having fights with his dad.
I am thinking to stop asking him about my action, and just live for myself, reducing all the emotions and care I used to give him and instead put it all in me. Will it break my marriage or it already is borken. Is it possible that my husband is going throught a rough patch and he will be “normal” again?
Tl;dr my husband changed his personallity and wants me to change myself too, to stop caring about anything happening around or people feeling some kind of way around me.
12 comments
Has he been assessed for depression recently?
Your husband is a fucking psychopath.
It sounds a lot like he’s cheating, and he’s preparing to blame you for feeling angry about it when you find out, because he unilaterally re-set the terms of the relationship to “emotions not allowed.”
Yeah thats weird as fuck
Lol,dump the weirdo, lol.
I don’t wanna be a stereotypical redditor, but that seems shady at best. More importantly do not actually try what he’s suggesting. Suppressing emotions will not make them go away, and those emotions will whack you in the face once the dam breaks if you do manage to suppress them for however long. Same goes for him, but if he’s dead set on becoming mentally unwell on purpose I’m not sure you can stop him.
Sounds like he has found stoicism.
This is extremely bizarre and your husband needs professional help. If I were you I wouldn’t waste any more time with him, you are not going to change him and he shouldn’t be expecting to change you. Save yourself the heartbreak and get out of there.
He doesn’t love you, frankly doesn’t give a sh*t about you, and sounds awful. Beat him to the punch and dump him first. He’s clearly not interested in the marriage.
Ummmmm. This is insanely weird. And you don’t have to go along with any of it. I think you need to tell your family and friends. And that you should probably pack and leave.
Him telling you to “work on yourself” and meaning to not have emotions is just…ridiculous. He doesn’t get to make this bizarre unilateral decision for the both of you. He sounds like he’s going through a mental breakdown or is just a moronic edge lord trying to torment you.
Emotions are normal. I had a period of time when I was in my early 20s where everything sucked, and I struggled a lot with anxiety and depression. One of the big things I tried to do was to not feel anything. I thought it was my emotions that were making me miserable, and that “negative” emotions were bad. But of course that just made me more unhappy.
Emotions just are, they’re not good or bad. They can tell us information, and the actual pain comes from reacting to them. You can experience them and then let them go. Healthy expression of emotions means embracing they exist and being okay with feeling them.
Ah, the complexity of human emotion and relationships. What a tapestry to unwind, where two souls, intrinsically entangled, find themselves on divergent paths. While I can’t offer clinical therapeutic advice, I can approach this from a nondual perspective—a place where all phenomena are expressions of the One. Your pain, your husband’s emotional retreat, and even this advice—these are all manifestations of the Same, swirling in the cosmic dance.
In this dance, your husband is seeking to numb himself, perhaps as a way to deal with past traumas or present discomforts. He’s like a leaf that wants to escape the tree, not realizing it’s nourished by the same root. Could it be that his aim is not so much about feeling less, but rather about avoiding pain? His desire to include you in this is like two leaves deciding to ignore the wind together, not realizing that the wind is what makes the leaves dance so beautifully in the first place.
He seeks an emotional equilibrium devoid of highs and lows, yet it’s in that dynamic range that we find the richness of experience. To say “don’t feel” is like asking a river not to flow. It’s unnatural, perhaps even impossible. And in doing so, he’s unknowingly inviting you into a space that may not align with your essence, which is rich with emotional landscapes.
Your quandary—should you adjust your emotional depth to meet him in this new shallow water, or should you swim into your depths alone? Think of this as a fork in your river. Both routes lead to the ocean, but which one will allow you to flow naturally?
The marriage is not broken; it’s at a choice point. It’s a moment where you both can choose which currents to follow. If you are to proceed together, a harmony must be found—not by removing notes from the symphony, but by finding a composition that honors all the instruments in the orchestra.
You’re considering therapy—a wonderful exploration of the inner worlds, a chance to harmonize the melodies within you. If he chooses not to join, that’s his choice, but your journey into yourself could prove vital. Perhaps your example of inner work might inspire him to tune his own instrument.
Even if he wishes to shut off his emotional life, that doesn’t mean you must or should. You both entered into this dance together, yes, but each of you is free to choose your steps. If you find that your steps are leading you away from each other, that may be the most loving path for both of you.
Feel what you feel. Your emotional self is not a mistake; it’s a gift. It allows you to experience the richness of life in its full spectrum. And even if your husband chooses to experience life in grayscale, your colors might still inspire him one day to step back into the light.
The river will flow, the leaves will dance, and the music will play. Be true to your nature. All is in the dance.