What did it take for you to finally let her into your world? Is really just a matter of time?

45 comments

  1. I need time to get to know them and develop trust…to be friends first. Modern dating doesn’t support that, as most women I encounter feel if there is not a commitment or physical escalation in the first month, you are wasting their time. I actually have some female friends that crossed that barrier and while a relationship did not result, I can confidently say even without the physical/romantic aspect, they have been some of the most intimate and fulfilling relationships of my life.

    I do not know that I will find a forever person, I stay open to it. The problem seems to be everybody dating around my age (40) wants to develop a friendship and emotional bond and grow from there…but in practice they want to do it in three weeks while not putting any ante in the pot. I truly hope it is just a characteristic of my age where so many of us have been used and burned and not a general note on modern courtship, or I feel really sorry for you younger men reading this.

  2. What does into my life mean? Being exclusive? Discussing deepest fears and emotions? Mixing blu ray collections?

    Love is essentially just building up courage to give someone the chance to hurt you and hoping that they don’t take it, and then repeating it over and over. Some people have been hurt a lot and are hesitant to do so again, and might need a little more time making sure it’s safe.

  3. It takes time to build that trust. There is no time frame or specific amount…but i wait & observe as life happens & how they react to situations

  5. It’s far harder today than when I was younger, my ability to trust women has diminished greatly. Still, I try to just take them as they come and treat everyone as an individual rather than letting to group define them. Sometimes it’s hard though.

  6. I haven’t. I keep ghosting/ finding reasons to say ‘ Sorry, I dont think it would work’.

  7. I took a therapy wingman to the dance class to help me not flee the discomfort and impulse to flee. 30 years later still married. Love is scary and requires openness and some level of vulnerability. She might say no, you might say something dumb, there might be awkward silence, you might feel sad! All of these are in long view so trivial compared to the upside of partnering. But these anxieties can be real for many.

  8. Wish I could give ya an answer, I don’t. After how burned I got financially in the last relationship I’d rather never take the chance. I talk to someone for a few days, realize I might be interested in them, brain says “you’re being an idiot gtfo of here” and I tell them It won’t work. They could be amazing initially brain just won’t let me continue on. Tired to ignore that feeling which just makes me incredibly anxious and avoidant.

    Good luck though, hope ya figure it out brother 💪🏼

  11. She has to behave in a way the suit my frame. The girl has to deserve being promoted to girlfriend status and she gets there by respecting my time, choices and and adding value to it.

  12. Over time getting to know her I found our thoughts & goals of life aligned, similar childhood upbringings (that means so much to me btw if you understand my childhood then you already unlocked 80% of me Lol) and her outlook on situations made me comfortable bringing her in because I don’t fear the judgement and ignorance of my struggles. As a man our personal life is sacred. So I want to be sure to bring in someone with gratitude & understanding.

  15. Time.

    I was destroyed by women in my youth and so far the only trick I have found is….time.

    This being said, you have to let people make their mistakes as well…I used to trust right out the door. Now I make them earn my trust. I spend time with them. I don’t rush to bed….it’s all time.

  16. I don’t have a hard time letting them into my life. I have a hard time keeping them in my life with the horrendously entitled standards. Almost like you’re supposed to always have fun. Fun costs money. I’m not here to fund nobody’s fun life. Average people want above average life.

  18. My oldest sons mom cheated on me like 5/6 times a day. Me and my gf now started talking and dating and she showed me that she could be trusted. If me and her ever break up I’ll never date again tho.

  19. Well she found me somewhere in a vicious cycle and somehow decided “I want him :3”
    I couldn’t even fathom how she could love me when I couldn’t even love myself at the time but the fact that she could was enough for me. Now she’s my most precious and I’m doing better than ever.

  20. When I told my (not yet then) best friend, that I’m grieving, my head hurts so bad that I’m just whining in darkness, and I’m sick, so I have to cancel our plans (yeah, I was really badly grieving), she came to my place with groceries, and called my mom for instructions on a good chicken soup, while not leaving me, even when she noticed that I drank, smoked, and snorted a mid-sized pharmacy(and didn’t even tell my mom). She got some food in me, sternly commanded me to take a shower, go to bed, and sleep. When I found her on my couch, when I woke up like 60 hours later, I knew right there, that she’ll have my implicit trust, respect, gratitude, and love, until one of us dies.

    Later she told me, that my earlier presence during the divorce of her parents, meant so much to her and her sister, that she basically thought the same about me, just ~2 years earlier.

  22. Time for sure. And doing a lot of different things and going on adventures etc to get the full version before letting someone in. You and your emotions are important and should be guarded to some extent. Not everyone deserves your energy.

  23. Dude, men get a bad rep for being emotionally unavailable, but so the fuck are women.

    I know so many women who use dating apps for surface level intimacy. I ain’t saying she a gold digger…..

  25. Was good friends with my wife for a year and successfully ignored every sign, and from a few others.
    She had to ask me out, and even still it took a while going to baseball games, art fairs & music festival for me to finally accept I could be vulnerable.
    freetoattach.com is a great resource for avoidant attachment style, a common reason for turning away potential mates.

  28. i (at the time 26) moved to a new city, far away from my family. I was thinking, that if i dont physically socialize (i dont need that at all) i will be forever alone and dont have friends.

    Several weeks ago i got randomly matched with a japanese woman in an app for learning language. Because it was nice chatting with her I decided to ask her if she maybe would be interested to meet somewhere because she was currently in the same city too. She agreed. We had a horrible date because we are both super shy and were afraid of talking so we spent the day without talking together.

    At evening I messaged her again and asked if we can meet again because it felt nice even if we didnt talk. She agreed and the next meeting was way better.

    I was impressed because she gave me a second chance (first time for me because i failed so often with girls)
    After some more dates we decided to stay together and later also married.

    I was always afraid, that your life changes completely when you stay with someone together but with her it was not the case. I can still sit on the couch and play games for days etc. Everyone is living his/her life and if we are in mood, we do something together. Our relationship is built on personal freedom and we defined together rules to ensure, that no one of us get hurt or angered.

    If your partner can figure out what is important for you, you will let her/him in. this happens automaticly because if there is no need for defense, your brain will drop it.

  30. She was actively interested in hanging out with me and was pursuing me just as much as I was her.

    At that point I trusted her. Never had an inkling nor a hint of anything negative or malicious. She moved sadly to be closer to her dad who was sick.

    Never pursue a woman who doesn’t pursue you the same amount.

  32. Damn this question hit hard. Coz I’ve been constantly avoiding women and drawing boundaries which leads them away from me. Been three years since i let a woman into my life despite being hit up by many.

  33. Time. Met her and was very attracted to her. First date didn’t go the best but it wasn’t horrible. I took my time with her. She asked me to be exclusive after 5 weeks and I took a shot and it was a great decision. 6 months in and she’s been the best partner I’ve ever had. We have a very similar view on life and it’s great.

  34. Im not this guy but i fear im slowly turning into him. Family circumstances and upbringing has made me into this. and im too comfortable and find it incredibly hard to change.

  36. A woman that I didn’t let in, said ‘you should really let someone in’ then my parents died and I worried about dying alone. I’m trying to let her in more, but it’s hard.

  37. An out of my league brunette mutual friend wouldn’t leave me alone. It’s been 20+ years and she hasn’t left. She’s a kickass wife and mother.

  38. Bitch clawed her way in with being nice, attractive, kind, hot and generally a good person.
    The audacity.

  43. No idea.

    ​

    Once I learn “how to trust *faster*” I’m sure I’ll stop having problems.

  44. We’ll I’m really avoidant so took a really anxious pushy person to have my first gf , then basically working on my self and practicing intimacy. Then learning to communicate and share about my goals and need for some time alone without just disappearing. Then you don’t feel you’re losing yourself but gaining another and enjoying sharing . Working on my emotions to expand my capacity.

    Now it doesn’t feel like “letting someone into my life” that’s defensive.

    Now it’s more finding someone I’m excited to experience the joy of sharing my life with .

  45. She communicated honestly. We had a good time, I got to know her and she routinely and honestly states where she was at. She respects my boundaries. She showed in multiple occasions that she is willing and able to accept responsibility for herself and her behavior. And then she openly said that she is at a point emotionally where she couldn’t continue the casual thing. So I needed to decide whether I wanted to move on or get more serious. I chose the latter and so far (three years in) I’m glad I did.

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