I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6. We have three kids together (ages 2,4 and 6). We have had issues basically our entire relationship. We talk openly about how we were very young when we first got together, we moved too fast and we might not have been entirely compatible. He is a great person but we have diff values in a lot of ways.
The biggest issue is that he is fine with just working a bare minimum to get by. To him, renting, just living month to month is fine. He hates working and wants as much free time as possible. Conversely, I am more of a planner and I want to save money for a safety net. I would love to buy a home for our kids and I wish he wanted to as well. I’ve saved up enough for a down payment but he is now saying he is against us buying a home.
I love him. We have always been like best friends and we have always had a close emotionally intimate relationship. He has always been there for me when tough shit happened and I helped him through a hard time when his younger brother died. Our sex life is great. But we’ve been fighting about the house a lot lately. We tried counselling. It came out in session that he really struggles with his self esteem and worries about taking on a home. While I understand this fear I am also feeling frustrated. I know he’s younger but I feel by 30 we should both be willing to take on some responsibility without letting fear dictate. We have three kids to look after and being the parent sometimes means doing scary things abs taking risks.
Recently our fighting has intensified. He yelled the other day ‘fine! We’ll buy a house. Clearly I have to be on board or you’ll leave so fine!’ I mean I realize this is wrong. I shouldn’t bulldoze him into doing something he’s just not ready for but it’s starting to affect how I feel about him emotionally. We just don’t seem to be on the same page anymore. Advice?
10 comments
Could you do a post-nuptial agreement when __you__ buy the house and its soley yours and your responsibility. He can pay you the same rent he pays now.
Give him a chance to finally realize you are right and you should get a house. I think he knows you are, he said it. Don’t feel guilty about wanting a better life for your family. Just say thanks babe, thank you for helping us improve our lives for the good of the children. Then show appreciation for any extra effort he puts in.
People tend to grow and change a lot in their 20’s. I swear, I don’t think people should get married til they’re 30+ and more fully formed.
With that said, this is how he is.
Something as big as buying a house should be mutually agreed upon. Not sure if you’ve had your own home before but it can be a lot of work and it doesn’t sound like he will be helping with it. He’ll just be resentful.
I know that deciding to get a divorce is hard. Especially when you have been together since you were teens/early 20’s.
But part of our job as parents is to demonstrate healthy relationships for our kids to model. Even if you’re not fighting in front of the kids, they pick up on tension and lack of affection. Kids who grow up in dysfunction have a higher risk of developing anxiety and depressive disorders.
You two just aren’t a good fit anymore. It’s pretty rare for couples who meet in their teens/early 20’s to make it work.
What I don’t understand is: what is the particular risk in buying a house? He already pays rent, right? And you have a down payment. So it will feel the same as paying a mortgage, except it goes into an asset.
If you both lose your jobs, you can sell the house.
I like the suggestion that, if it makes him feel more comfortable, you could put the house in your name, and he could pay you rent.
How the hell can someone be okay living paycheck by paycheck when they have 3 kids? Emergencies happen. Unexpected expenses happen. It’s insane not to save, when you do have the means to save.
You’ll need to save more than money for a down payment. Owning can be expensive as things break and the repair costs always seem to come at the worst time. Maybe save a little more. Perhaps you could go and talk to someone like a financial expert who can make sure you have enough money. Do you have wills? Do you have life insurance in case something happens to either of you? Buying a house is just one piece of being financially stable and improving your families life. Perhaps when you have a good solid financial plan for your future that you’ve both worked on, compromised on and ultimately agree on -it will all go much smoother. Also if you talk to a financial expert you can discuss ways to start putting way money for retirement. Perhaps the lure of being able to stop working at a younger age will light a fire under him to work hard now (with life balance, of course ). I guess my point is to help him become educated on action you can take to build a great life in a way that’s not so scary for him.
I agree with the proposed alternate solution suggested by DivinitySousVide.
If you can qualify by yourself for the mortgage then get a legal agreement/post nup so you are the only one who owns and will benefit from the house when it is sold.
You’re going to accumulate more and more responsibility and complication as you age and your children get older. Your husband is your fourth child, not your partner. At 31 with 3 kids he wants to work as little as possible? What the fuck? You’re going to end up w/caretaker burnout.
You shouldn’t bulldoze him, because significant change of this magnitude is unlikely and takes a long time in someone who actually seeks it. He doesn’t even want it, of course he likes his life right now, you do everything for him. You should ask yourself if you’re fundamentally compatible long term based on exactly who he is right now, not about who he tells you he’s going to be and not on who you think he’s capable of being. If this is who he is, is this what you want your life to be? Is this the example you want set for your children? If he gained insight in therapy about significant issues did he/is he continuing so that he can improve in those areas? If not that is a huge red flag.
And know that if you actually break up, he’s probably going to have some big performative displays of change. These aren’t real, these are reactive measures. Measure true change by consistent behavior over time, not gestures in response to stress factors.
You’re not smart if you buy a home at current interest rates.
Dont leave him. These things happen in a marriage. Marriage is hard work from both sides. I am married almost 29 years. These things come and go. We are happy, but also have our ups and downs. Sometimes alot, then periods of none or less. Its about how you resolve them.
You say almost all the other fields are good. Dont throw what you have away just like that. It will harm your kids too.