Hi
We have been together for over 2 years. My mental health has been a real struggle in that time and I’ve taken it out on her a lot. Despite that she still wants to support and help me.
In my mind the problem is clear. She was engaged before and it disgusts me. It has made me unhappy and ruined our relationship. I knew about it before committing to her properly. I thought I’d be able to get over it. We had a happy relationship but as my mind got worse this problem became huge for me. She is my first and it angers me that she has been with someone when I havent. So maybe it’s easier if I go an experience that. I hate that she made such a stupid decision then broke it off. The ex hasn’t been in her life since we have been together
I refuse to meet her friends even after 2 years because they knew her back then. I have blamed her for my struggle.
I have tried getting professional help but I believe I am justified in hating this. She doesn’t believe I’m being fully honest with the therapist or open to change if I have had a lot of sessions and I cant even consider it MIGHT change. I don’t agree. It won’t change so I have to either be unhappy in this or be unhappy and maybe regret losing her.
She says it’s none of my business but tries to understand where I’m coming from saying I don’t have to like it or agree with it but treating her bad over it and breaking the relationship for it isn’t ok.
I love her more than anything and that’s why it bothers me. I have resorted to leaving our home (this is the third time currently) until I get over this issue. I have used to issue to justify some of my shitty behaviour which I know is wrong. I left to try and change but honestly it will always be an issue to me. I obsess and annoy myself every day to the point I can’t be around her. I miss the good parts of life so much but she tries to talk things out and work on the relationship and I just don’t have the energy. She is hurting which makes me remember the reasons I’m angry. So if she doesn’t bring up her hurt done by me I’m OK. But she always does because she thinks it’s healthy to talk.
She is not dealing well with this as she believes the way I’m acting now should be my focus as its worse than her past mistakes. I let her uproot her life and move to my city to be with me and then after a few months told her Id always see her as less.
She has only been with that person and it annoys her to be judged when she is being a great girlfriend to me which she honestly has been. *She said if we break up there are girls out there with a past of 20 meaningless people these days and honestly that would probably bother me less.*
Honestly I thought she was my ideal woman but as soon as I found that out I would never see her as pure again. I found out before pur second date two years ago and decided to still go which is on me.
If I met someone like her but without a past I’d be happy. I’ve even considered that all of this is because she isn’t my type. She’s a little curvy (actually curvy not fat) and I always like really slim. I loved how she looked in the beginning but now this has me questioning everything. I started watching porn again but told her I didn’t. It’s women that aren’t like her so it distracts me from the pain I feel about her past. She found out and it broke her.
Her personality is perfect. She is probably the kindest person I’ve ever known. Genuinely funny. Smart. All of it. But it just isnt enough with this issue. My mind convinces me if I found someone else without this past I’d be happier. But I cant imagine being without her either. We have some much fun and joy and love when I’m OK.
I have hurt her a lot over this. She believes my mental health is the reason (I had a traumatic childhood and other things but genuinely it doesnt bother me anything like this does. I only really started realising this when we met and shes tried to help me through that too.I run to the house it happened in for relief from the relationship and this hurts her so much.) I text her telling I love her and stopped being mean to her over it so there is progress. I told her someday I’ll make everything OK and shes too good to lose but then she got angry because after saying that I told her Id always have this issue with her.
While I’m away she tries to love and support me. She is sending me resources and cbt materials to try and help but I don’t even bother because I know my issue won’t change. She’s trying to help but honestly she gets sad that I’m not there yet again and just keeps trying to convince me that my mind is bad and it can get better with work. Running away from the issue won’t help me in her mind but it does. It makes me uncomfortable even being in my home with her so I don’t want to do it. I have ran before and came back and things were great until the thoughts started again. She doesn’t believe trying the same thing over and over will get me anywhere.
I know the only answer is breakup and last night she said she has reached her limit if I won’t focus on now and future. I’ve been away for two weeks this time and I’m not going back until this issue goes. She says if we can’t work together on it there’s nothing to come back to.
Breakup aside how can I be happy even without her. I love her so deeply but thinking about it just makes me respect her less. I truly believe its the reason behind my other mental health issues but she won’t see that.
Thanks
2 comments
YOU are the reason for your mental issues.
What the fuck is this post? Break up with her Jesus Christ I feel so bad for her for trying to put up with you.
It is literally clear as day from the second paragraph that there is no room for growth in this relationship because you’re selfish. You’re wasting her time and wasting her love.
If you can’t get over the fact that she has had other experiences then BREAK UP WITH HER. I Hope this is spam because otherwise you’re an awful person. I’m here to tell you that you are NOT justified in hating this and you don’t want a therapist bc you know they’d tell you you’re wrong.
Have an ounce of respect and love for her and leave her.
Break up with her and commit to never talking to her again. She’ll get over it and then find a man who isn’t immature and who actually loves her for who she is now instead of faulting her for being a normal human being.
You’re 27 years old. Unless you date a teenager (which you definitely should *not* do) you’re unlikely to find someone who hasn’t been in at least one serious relationship before.
This is solely a you problem and you’ve wasted two years of her life being an asshole to her for literally no reason. She didn’t cheat on you. She didn’t lie to you. She hasn’t done anything wrong.