**tl;dr:** My girlfriend of 8 months is hitting a crazy level of depression owing to her job that she isn’t in a position to leave right now. I feel really powerless and unhappy.
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I’ve been with my girlfriend since the beginning of this year. The first few months were just an incredible, dreamy relationship. But this summer things have taken a turn and my girlfriend has seemingly fallen into a very deep depression. She is in a creative field and works at a place where she gets to do creative work some of the time, but is mostly either doing administrative tasks or hard labor. When she is being creative she has to fit someone else’s vision and this frustrates her. She is so busy and is given so much to do that she works through a lot of her lunch breaks. She really hates these elements of her work but she is extremely firmly committed to her workplace as it is really prestigious and they have sponsored her work visa in the US, so it’s kind of impossible for her to quit without her having to leave the country, unless she was able to find another employer to sponsor her which isn’t happening at the moment. She also just on a very deep level doesn’t want to quit.
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The problem is the work is driving her insane. In the past week she has started having stress-related explosions of rage/anger and panic attacks. These have not been directed at me at all but it is still really difficult to be around when they are happening. The panic attacks I can deal with and am really happy to be there for her literally whenever she needs but the anger and rage I find really scary. I love my girlfriend very deeply but her job is so busy that we are spending less and less time together (she works a crazy amount of overtime, the next two weeks she’s working 7 days a week).
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She says she doesn’t have the time to start therapy as this would be one more thing for her to have to fit into her crazy weeks. A month ago she briefly said she wasn’t sure if she could handle a relationship because of how intense everything was getting for her, although she immediately said she regretted saying this and it has never come up since, and constantly says how grateful she is to have me.
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Today I asked her how she was doing and she said ‘Fine. You know, the usual misery.’, which honestly feels like a bit of a breaking point for me. It seems like she is really just permanently unhappy and miserable right now and doesn’t really see any path to it getting better. I want to support her so badly but I feel completely useless and it really just darkens my days all the time. Her hopelessness is pushing me to my limit.
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Eventually she will probably move up in her field, one day be able to apply for an artist visa and not have to work at this particular place anymore. But it will probably be another 2 years until she’s at that point.
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Does anyone have advice for what I can do to remedy this situation? I am trying to do things like cook for her, bring her nice things, tell her how great she is and point out the times people tell her how good a job she does. But we can’t really go on dates that are out of the house because she is on the clock so much of the time and has a pet, so it feels hard to be more adventurous. She also generally works while I am cooking for her so we are not really getting any quality time. To be fair – it has only gotten this bad in the past week. Before that we were still able to do one or two dates a week out of the house and while things were really tough for her she wasn’t this depressed.
4 comments
Yeah I had the same problem. The best you can do is offer advice, and be there for her. On her days off you could try to find fun things to do to take her mind off it. It’s her life, you can only be a guide or shoulder to cry on.
I know this might seem silly, but would she use a punching bag? It would let her get out her frustrations on something when she’s hitting that breaking point instead of blowing up around or at you
If your girlfriend needs this job and is having “stress-related explosions of rage/anger” she can’t afford to not find the time to deal with that.
What do you really think is going to happen if she expresses that rage at her prestigious job that she desperately needs? Especially to the person whose vision she doesn’t like having to fit into (I.e. the person who is more important than her for this company)? Hint: She’s going to lose that job, tank her professional reputation, etc.
You know her well and you’re finding her anger scary. People who only know her in a professional context are going to have a worse response to it. If it’s truly happening outside of her control she needs to find the time to address it, even if that means using sick leave (if she has it), talking to her supervisors about reducing her overtime or workload, etc. Panic attacks, anger, etc. take time and energy. She needs to change something otherwise she’s wasting a ton of time on untreated mental health stuff that will only worsen and cost her more.
I know she says that’s impossible. But if it’s truly a well-enough known company to be prestigious and she’s on a work visa in the US there are ways she can advocate for herself here at least a little. Even if they don’t give her the time, some documentation that she asked is going to help if/ when this all blows up.
Prior to this past week, she has time for one to two dates a week outside the house. That’s enough time to see a therapist, do some self-guided workbooks, incorporate basic anger management techniques, etc. instead.
What you’re describing is not something that is sustainable for two years unless she develops better coping skills.
All you can do is urge her to get some help. Continue to support her. Take care of your own mental health and model healthy behaviors and ways of coping.
To be honest, while it’s soul crushing to be in an environment like that (many of us have been there) there are definitely things she can be doing to make it easier and some of your reasons she can’t do stuff sound like problems she’s creating. You say you can’t go out to date because she has a pet, for instance. I’m having trouble figuring out what kind of pet can’t come on the occasional date or be left at home, but is still an appropriate pet for someone working this much to take care of.
So start with the basics. If she’s working through lunch is she eating appropriate and healthy food during the day? If she’s working obscene hours is she over-reliant on caffeine (that’s not going to help with the panic)? Does she have good sleep habits? Does she recognize her own agency in this (on a deep level she does not want to quit)? Is she using her time efficiently? Are you two using the time you do have together doing things that alleviate stress (like going for a ten minute walk)? Is she venting so much it is fueling the anger rather than helping? Can she use even small amounts of time (such as when doing chores or commuting) to listen to relevant podcasts or books for managing anger if she can’t do therapy? Are you two doing things like having a drink or two at the end of the day “to take the edge off” that are probably disrupting her sleep cycle later and/or aren’t helpful for someone in her current state?
If she’s unwilling to make any changes and you don’t want this (or the worse version of this) to be your life for the next couple years then you know what to do.
Why can’t she stand up to her boss and work reasonable hours? She’s in an abusive relationship with her work/her boss. Her behavior will only get worse. Her focus is entirely on work.