My partner and I are happily together and I’m looking to propose to my partner shortly. In this sense a wedding is years away.
My parents come from a traditional Greek background and as soon as I told them of the proposal instead of being happy for me they went straight into talking about the wedding, the procedure, what needs to be done to prepare, who I should pick as best man based on the culture, and finances for the wedding.
My parents believe that they should put in half and my partners parents put in half.
We never asked for money and are perfectly happy paying for our wedding ourselves.
My partners parents however are not in a good financial situation and we told my parents this was the case and that they could not contribute and if they did it wouldn’t be much and we will pay for the other half.
My parents from this were insistent on a formal sit down to discuss finances with them.
We told my parents this wasn’t a good idea and would just make them feel horrible for not having as much to give and said if they did give anything it would simply be a gift during the planning process.
My parents could not accept this and felt we were telling them who they can and can’t talk to, being disrespectful and got very upset and didn’t speak to us for a week.
They were still insistent that they needed to know how much they can contribute and for us to apologize for saying who they can and can’t speak to.
My father kept messaging putting the blame on us telling us to just apologize to keep the peace, that this is a test to see how respectful my partner would be to her future in laws.
Eventually it got too much and I told them I just needed some space for my mental health.
They called frantically to make sure I was ok and said they don’t care about this whole thing and just wanted to make sure I was ok.
I told them ok let’s drop this whole thing and move forward, they agreed then immediately started back into the argument talking about how they felt and how it was disrespectful what we did. I told them this isn’t dropping it and can we please drop it and move forward. They agreed again and then got straight back into initial argument again.
This went on to happen 4 times until they hung up, sent me a message saying I’ve ruined the family and it’s clear I want nothing to do with them and to go out separate ways in life.
I did not respond.
The next day my dad messaged me saying again that this was a test in a way for my partner and how she would treat them and that he would send me an email with their thoughts on everything.
At this point my health is severely deteriorating and the stress pushed me to simply block them on everything, they won’t move forward, they won’t stop trying to prove they are right.
My question is whether I made the right decision blocking and if I could have done anything better or differently?
TLDR – got into a fight with my parents, they couldn’t move on and cut ties so I blocked them on everything.
17 comments
What else were you supposed to do, they wanted to steamroll and bully you and were willing to lie to keep you on the hook about it. Their actions caused this result and it’s perfectly reasonable to take harder measures against people that won’t respect you or your boundaries.
Yep any sane person would have done the same. They were being obnoxious.
You made the right decision. Keep them blocked for a while.
Like until you have had a chance to calm down and the two of you can plan the wedding that the two of you want to have.
So when/if you unblock them you can answer “that’s been taken care of” to all of their pestering.
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Edit –
And the “we can go our separate ways” was bait. They were hoping you would take the bait and say “but mom and dad I love you, please I want you in my life” and then they would be able to dictate terms to being in your life.
So you called their bluff. Expect the “surprised pikachu face” from them when/if you talk to them, followed by a “you blocked us” and your response is to quote what they said right back to them: “I’ve ruined the family and it’s clear I want nothing to do with them and to go out separate ways in life” and then let them try to make excuses about how they didn’t mean it yada yada yada
I’d tell them this has also been a test on how they treated your future spouse and their family and that they failed it over and over again.
I’m sorry your parents are shitty. I hope you and your future wife enjoy a lifetime of happiness!
Elope and show that you will take matters into your own hands
Have you considered just eloping?
If you let them continue on with this behavior it typically gets much worse when you have children.
I am sorry this happened to you two, on what should have been a happy announcement. Of course it hurts and you are sad.. Keep it separate for awhile. Then in a email, or? Together, say “ we are doing the wedding ourselves. No money is expected, required, or wanted, from either set of parents. We love you, please come, but this is how it will be, if you can’t respect our wishes, and be happy for us, then you are not welcome”. It’s unfortunate that her parents financial situation was mentioned, it wasn’t necessary, but done now. Stick to the same sentence over and over, hopefully with time it will be ok. Good luck.
It sounds like your father is very manipulative, and you handled it as an adult should’ve. You where looking at the best interest for everyone there.
You should be so proud of yourself for standing up to them and setting boundaries, then sticking to them. I understand how hard that is, but it is truly worth it. Things WILL get worse when you have children if you don’t start setting those boundaries now. Your wife will truly appreciate your shiny spine that you are showing. Keep up the good work!
Geez. I’d just elope. They are being nuts about the whole thing.
Your parents are idiots. They need to set their ego’s aside. Because their actions are causing this rift. Not you.
If they want to contribute and you allow them, fine. If you don’t want them to contribute, fine too. Your wedding, your choice. It’s not a pissing contest to see who has the bigger wallet over the backs of you and your fiancé.
Καλά έκανες. Αν η οικογένεια σου είναι τοξική, κλείσε τις γέφυρες μαζί τους (ακόμη κι αν πονάει) έως ότου γυρίσουν αυτοί να σου ζητήσουν συγγνώμη. Πονάει πολύ αλλά θα πονάει περισσότερο το να μη καταφέρεις να φτιάξεις τη δική σου ζωή όπως εσύ τη θέλεις με τη σύντροφό σου. Μια ζωή την έχουμε.. όπως λέει και το τραγούδι. Δεν ήρθες στο κόσμο για να υπηρετείς τα θέλω των γονιών σου ούτε κανενός άλλου. Καλή τύχη!
looks like an average Indian family. you guys are in a loop. as soon they feel bad that you feel bad, they apologize to make themselves feel better. Not cuz they are truly sorry. You have to show them you mean serious business and talking or explaining to them is shielding that from happening.
r/raisedbynarcissists
Op please read some of these stores and see if any of them around familiar. I suspect this isn’t the first life event that they have bulldozed through or tried to dictate the details on. One of those where it has to go their way or they throw a fit about it like they are now.
There is no “negotiating” with narcissists; blatantly call out their unhealthy behavior and blatantly throw it in their face every time is resurfaces (like you did). Make it clear that they owe you an explanation and thag you will not apologize for setting boundaries. Tell them exactly that they either start to respect your boundaries or the relationship with their child will be over forever, and it will be their own fault.
They will likely still try to play victim. At which point I literally stonewall them. Nothing they say at that point will be good enough until they truly apologize.
Also note: apologies are not apologies without changes behavior. Your parents didn’t change their behavior so their apologies are worthless. Call that out too.
They’re the ones being incredibly disrespectful, sticking their pompous noses in your fiancees parents finances. They treat you like a child and not adults with your own lives and autonomy. You did the right thing. Made me angry reading this.