My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I love him so much. I only see a future with him. He’s the only person I’ve been with.
I’ve never met his friends since he won’t tell his friends about my age and he says they’re quite conservative and would look down upon that. I told him he can just lie about my age and say I’m older but he won’t. He told me at one point that once I hit my twenties that he would be able to tell his friends about me and they wouldn’t mind. He also told me once how he wanted me to meet his accountant and his accountant’s fiancé but that didn’t happen and I guess he forgot about it. I have met his siblings and they seem to be quite kind. Well actually his younger brother dislikes me a lot and I don’t know why and he’s trying to discourage my boyfriend from dating me.
I have not met his parents yet since he says if I meet them I’d have to get married tomorrow and his parents don’t really know much about me either but they know how I look and my age but don’t fully approve of it because of my age. He says that if I want I can meet his parents tomorrow for all he cares but what happens after that I’ll have to endure, he can’t help me then because I asked him for that.
My parents are against us getting married or being together but I honestly want nothing more but to settle down with him and marry this man. He loves me a lot and cares for me as well.
He says it’s not possible for us to get married right now because of how busy I am with school and he’d only feel comfortable once I finish my undergrad. I only have one more year until I complete my undergrad and graduate. I’ll be 21 by the time I graduate. I told him how it’ll be possible then but he didn’t say anything over the phone.
He used to tell me how much he wanted to marry me, would call me wifey, but now he barely tells me he loves me because he’s so preoccupied with work and personal issues.
I want a ring, I want to be married, and i already work so I won’t need him to support my life. He tells me sometimes if he could we’d get married tomorrow but due to my age and where I’m at in life we can’t. He also knows that I don’t date unless it’s for marriage. I also don’t want to waste my youth with him if it doesn’t lead to a marriage. Does he even want to marry me or he’s just passing time with me? He has said that he’ll give me everything I want eventually.
TLDR; boyfriend consistently discouraging me from marriage
25 comments
He’s most likely already married.
Look up the term “grooming” for women. Not many people realize that’s what’s happening until it’s too late.
Look, this man is too old for you. He’s preoccupied with his own life and his shame in your age is because people in his life rightfully judge him for pursuing a relationship with you. Please live your life.
You have been together 2 years but haven’t met his friends or family…
Sorry, but he does not want to marry you. He probably just likes having a young girlfriend.
More red flags than a communist party parade. What was a 33 year old doing grooming a teenage girl? Of course your parents are against this.
You have your whole life to get married. Preferably to a man who is less creepy. Go out and enjoy your 20s. Meet some men your own age.
Get out while you can. There’s nothing but heartbreak for you on the horizon otherwise. You are being led on by this guy and he is not proud to be with you
Definitely should have introduced you to every important person in his life after 2 years. I think he likes having a young girlfriend. He’s hiding you away.
He doesn’t want to be inconvenienced, and he knows he’s going to need to answer tough questions to the people in his life if he stays with you. You deserve to have a partner who isn’t ashamed of you.
Bluntly. End it. He’s embarrassed by the age gap. The age gap is frankly inappropriate. He might be hiding a girlfriend/wife as well.
I can’t get past your age gap here.
Didn’t I read this a few days ago?
The age gap here is extremely inappropriate considering he seems to be feeling weird + guilty about it (for right reasons). I always find it extremely strange that a 35 year old man can’t find a woman around his own age to date. When you got together you were (I’m guessing) 18 and he was 33? It is actually insane to me that a 33 year old man could even be attracted to an 18 year old girl. I am 24 and can’t imagine feeling romantic feelings towards anyone 20 or younger. The age gap alone is a red flag. Outside of the age gap – it doesn’t seem like he actually wants to settle down with you yet and it seems like you want to marry him just because you want to be married. You are so young and there are plenty of things you should talk about with your partner and do before you get married. You do not need to be married right now, you are only 20 years old and you should be doing what other 20 year olds are doing not what 35 year olds are doing.
He’s making excuses and passing time with you, whether he’ll admit that or not. It’s likely the more you’ve confessed wanting to be with him and be part of his every day life he’s started to retreat using the excuse of your schooling and his work.
You’ve explained nothing in the paragraphs of information about why specifically you want to be with him, what mutual interests you have, what shared goals you’ve set, or what you realistically expect your lives to be like after marriage.
On the other hand you’ve presented a man who will ditch out on protecting the woman he loves from hardship. He’s stated that any abuse you get from his parents would be on you for trying to be transparent and integrate into his life openly. He’s dangled the carrot that they would somehow force you to get married right away but then withdrawn that as an option implying that your schooling is keeping you from being married already, not him.
He’s also showing no integrity for his own choices in this. He chose to date a younger woman knowing the criticism he would receive from friends and family. He’s chosen to avoid that direct conflict by keeping you separated. The idea that somehow when you’re in your twenties they’re going to flip their opinion of things and welcome you with open arms is magical thinking. His parents and siblings already know about you and have formed their opinions and his friends will be able to do the math. Which means he’ll delay integrating you into his life for as long as humanly possible. Expect years worth of this if he even sticks around after under graduate is done. There’s no real reason he couldn’t marry you right now if he wanted and you continue your schooling. There’s no reason he can’t stand up for you to his parents and stand with you as a partner.
What you want in a partner is someone who can be honest with those around him even when the consequences are uncomfortable. You want someone who is not ashamed to bring you around family and friends even if they might not see what he sees in you. You want someone who will defend you against unnecessary criticism. You want someone who will see where you are wanting to go in life and he’ll want to give you a leg up when you need it to get there. You want someone who is striving to give you everything today not in some ambiguous shifting timeframe of his own whim.
Go take some time to be you. Finish school. Get a job. Be a whole and robust person. Your match of a whole and robust person will come along without force after that.
I have to admit, when I was 19, my 18 year old friend was groomed by a 36 year old man. I didn’t understand how bad it was. All I felt, was something…off…strange. I didn’t tell her parents or warn her. I hadn’t experienced enough to have anything to compare this strange situation to. I don’t blame you for being naive, for wanting this relationship to be everything he promised and everything you deserve. I don’t blame you for desperately searching for different answers so you don’t have to accept this very new, very harsh reality and pain, perhaps even feeling violated. It must be so frightening to be used like this, especially for the first time.
Not until I was older, had been through so much more, did I understand how abusive these people are, how much they lie and use vulnerable, younger people who don’t understand their motives.
As a 34 year old, I can’t imagine dating someone your age. 14 years of experiences I’ve had, have changed my mind in ways I couldn’t imagine at your age. It’s almost the difference between being 12 and 20, if you can picture that?
A 30+ year old who can’t grasp this, who prefers to be with someone who is so easily swayed…terrifies me.
I’m so very sorry. It’s in no way, shape, or form, your fault, your poor judgment, or anything wrong with you. Expecting you to have the experience to recognize this predator for who he is, is a lot to ask and we’ve been a bit cruel and blind to insist that you do.
Please, all I ask, is take note, every time he makes you uncomfortable, gets you to do something you don’t want, act in ways that make you feel…strange…scared…nervous…alone? Please understand that with 14 years more experience (almost as long as you have been alive), I’m telling you…this isn’t right. Please, reach out to a therapist, people you trust, and take care of yourself. You can’t get this time of your life back. I know what it’s like to let someone take sone of my best years, all too well. They are far more precious than I knew, than you can possibly know yet.
As a friend, please, listen to your gut…that off, strange feeling. You’re not going to get a different answer by reposting this endlessly, you already know the answer. I know you must be scared. You still know this isn’t right 💙
I know you will be okay. If I could do it, if I could walk away, so can you, I promise 🙏
Be well ::hugs::
Age gap IMHO is not anything to be embarassed about. As long as you both are comfortable, others can go take a hike. Don’t let it bother you.
That said, it is clear your partner is either scared of people judging or is not serious about this relationship. You probably need to sit down with him and explain to him how this is bothering you and how you cannot continue like this and why you will have to end the relationship if it doesn’t progress to the next step. Give him all the confidence you can to help him overcome doubts on the age gap if that is the real bother. If he is still not honest with you and still not committing to marriage within a reasonable timeline of 2-3 months, you should seriously consider getting out of this relationship.
But give him this last chance to come clean and make amends. Every person is different and may be he is serious but not able to express clearly.
Until you look out of shape like the other people his age
If he loved you and wanted to marry you, you would know it.
He would show it, he would say it, and he’d prove it. It sounds like he’s using you OP.
There’s a reason his friends would look down upon him dating a 18-20 year old while being 33-35, and it’s not because they’re conservative, it’s because that’s extremely inappropriate and creepy and he clearly knows it.
How do you know he’s not already married?
He is hiding you. There are red flags everywhere. In two years you haven’t met his friends or parents…this isn’t going anywhere. He is using you.
Get out of this now.
Do you two even live in the same city? Is this an LDR?
Repost for karma. Ignore.
Your boyfriend is a creepy old loser. No 35 year old worth dating is interested in someone barely out of high school. Period.
>I also don’t want to waste my youth with him if it doesn’t lead to a marriage.
I think you should not waste any more time on this guy! You have a clear timeline of what you want. He does not. He’s also been keeping you a secret from the rest of the people in his life, which doesn’t bode well for the future.
I’m far from conservative and I would 100% judge the utter fuck out of my 33 year old buddy who started dating a girl young enough to be in high school. That’s just so gross on so many levels.
So many red flags. He won’t introduce you to his friends because he’s ashamed of the relationship–and he should be ashamed of himself, frankly. This guy is not going to marry you.