Throw away account bc friends on here know my username and did not know I was pregnant.

Two years ago I got pregnant unexpectedly. After the initial shock wore off I was excited and my husband was accepting of it. However, I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel symptoms like I did with my first baby. Sure enough around the 8-week mark I started bleeding. My OB gave me some misoprostol and told me to stay in bed while it passed. The experience was very painful, not only physically, but also mentally. I spent most of the time in bed crying on and off, napping occasionally, and just waiting for it to be over.

In that time, I noticed that my husband stayed very uninvolved. He didn’t come to check on me. He didn’t lie there with me and comfort me. He just kept a distance.

At some point when it was almost over, I quietly exited our bedroom to get a glass of water. Our bedroom at the time faced our living room and when I came out he was sitting on the couch and quickly slammed his laptop shut. Immediately suspicious I got my water and asked if I could use the laptop. He hesitated, but handed it over. I took it to the bedroom where I found that for the bulk of the time I had been bleeding out our fetus, he had been watching porn and looking at nude photos of some Argentinian model.

Ordinarily I would not care about porn. Porn is not a big deal to me. But while I was actively having a miscarriage? That timing was just atrocious. Coupled with the fact that he never came to check on me … Again, this was 2 years ago and it still hurts. I tried so hard to let it go for the sake of our family but I’m afraid it will be one of those things that will always be a cloud over us. I don’t think I am capable of letting it go. I realize this is not your everyday run of the mill issue that couples have; I am not seeking advice. I just wanted to get it off my chest (as I’ve literally never told a soul) and perhaps get reassurance that I’m not crazy for thinking of leaving my husband for something he did two years ago.

36 comments

  6. You’re so right to be angry and hurt over this **and** everyone handles stress and grief differently.

    i know a ton of men who use porn to help regulate their stress levels. i know it was distasteful timing, but that was also the peak stress. even tho this happened to your body, remember, you both lost a child.

    it sounds like you’d really like to express your feelings to him, and maybe he needs to express his feelings (numbness, disassociating) too. not everyone has the language or emotional education to have these conversations. i suggest couples counseling to help recover from this trauma (that happened to both of you) together.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry your husband has never been able to see how big that loss really is. I lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks and was shocked by the gravity of my grief. My heart goes out to you.

  9. So if he was watching Netflix, that would have been okay? Is the issue the porn or the fact that he left you alone? I need some clarification on that

  10. I would be livid about porn in general personally, but while you are suffering through the loss of a baby BY YOURSELF? If you can’t get over that, I don’t think anyone could blame you. WTF

  14. That’s absolutely disgusting. He should have been holding your hand through this.

    You deserve so much better. I’m sorry you went through that.

  15. Gross…. I have zero issues with my husband watching porn. I even watch it from time to time, but while you’re miscarrying your child? Absolutely disgusting. Why would you even be in the mood knowing what’s going on in the next room. I’m sorry he did that to you and the fact that he doesn’t want to go to counseling shows that he doesn’t give a shit.

  16. You said you generally not bothered by him looking at porn.

    You also described some of his behaviors and responses which give me the impression he is generally not emotionally intelligent or supportive.

    Is his lack of emotional intelligence, openness and supportiveness the real issue, and it just stings that the distraction he chose was porn?

    I’m trying to understand since you said you generally don’t have issues with porn.

    Men definitely view porn differently than women, and it sounds like he’s just naive and (possibly) addicted.

  17. I am so sorry. I would be just as hurt and just as mad as you. And I would not be able to just get over it. Have you sought out counselling for yourself to talk this through with a professional?

  18. He obviously doesn’t care or he wouldn’t have done that in the first place. I’m sorry op

  20. I feel like the problem isn’t the porn at all. it’s that he was uncomforting / unsupportive of you during this time. so even if it’s 2 years ago, the hurt persists

  21. The decline to go to counseling is an even bigger slap in the face. You don’t get to hurt someone like that and put in zero work to make it any better.

  22. I’m so so so sorry for what you have been through. I hope someday you can find some kind of peace for the loss you had to endure alone.

    I don’t think he knows how to deal with difficult emotions or situations… and that’s next level disrespectful.

    It is bad enough that he wasn’t supportive but to be looking at porn and masturbating while you were miscarrying? There is an emotional problem there.

  24. Eww.

    He just gave me the ICK and I don’t even know him.

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

    You deserve better.

  26. Time for him to star in his own ‘World’s Worst Husband’ reality show! 🚫📺

  27. 15 years ago, I actively chose to have an abortion because I wasn’t ready (which still sucked, but it was a choice I made). My bf at the time, who I’d been with for 3 years, almost didn’t come with me so that he could play fantasy football. He did come. But I couldn’t get over it and honestly, I still don’t forgive him.

    What your husband did is 1,000,000 times worse than this. I would definitely not be able to get over that. And neither should you. He may have been doing his own grieving in his own way, but that is just completely inexcusable.

  28. I’m very sorry you went through this. Whatever you chose to do is valid.
    Do you think your husband was jerking off because he didn’t know how to handle his emotions? Many men don’t know how to express vulnerability and channel it into sexual energy or anger. NOT saying that this is okay or trying to make an excuse, just offering a different perspective.

  29. I had an early miscarriage and it was physically painful, mentally excruciating, messy as hell, and just so, so bleak. I can’t imagine finding out that my husband was basically just j!zz!ng all over the rest of the house while I was dealing with something so traumatic.

    I’m so, so sorry, op…not only for your loss, but for the vile way that man acted when you needed him most. I know I’m just some random broad on the internet, but I’m legit ANGRY for you. I honestly don’t know how you come back from that. I don’t think you’re crazy at all. Your pain and anger is absolutely valid. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL WHATEVER YOU FEEL.

    Regardless of what you decide to do, please consider therapy (if it’s possible, of course). At the very least, talk to someone you trust (and not that no-good dingus of a baby daddy) about it. You shouldn’t have to carry this burden alone. You deserve so much better, my friend.

    All my best to you, and again, from one mom to another- im truly sorry for your loss. I hope your future is bright 🩷

  31. You’re not crazy but you definitely need therapy. This isn’t a try to let it go kind of thing.

  32. I had a miscarriage and my husband sat on the couch as I cried off and on for a week straight, not sleeping, in pain. I couldn’t IMAGINE. I really don’t think I could get past that. Seriously. Not only porn but looking at insta models?! Is he fucking serious? I’m SO FUCKING SORRY you had to go through this.

  33. I’m so sorry. I had a chemical pregnancy a few months ago and I was “fine” for the most part, but a few weeks later at what would have been my initial prenatal exam, my OB confirmed a spot where it looked like the embryo implanted but that my uterus was empty. I went home and tried to order dinner, and the place I wanted to order from was closed. I had a fucking meltdown; full sobbing in the fetal position on our bathroom floor so the kids couldn’t walk in on me.

    My husband sat on the other side of the door, ordering a similar dish from a different place, while just holding space for me to let him in (I didn’t) and talking to our kids and keeping them calm and oblivious.

    You deserve so much better than this behavior.

  34. You need to either leave him or quiet quit that marriage holy Shit. He’s a disgusting piece of shit

  36. When I read this I thought, that’s some maladaptive escapism. Maybe dude isn’t awful, he just couldn’t handle it, and his maladaptive escape mechanism was porn. To me, that should be the focus of the counseling….to develop coping mechanisms that are not escapism through porn. I’m sorry that to realize he needs that help, he hurt you in this way.

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