Sorry this is long.
I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (34M) for 8 years and he is the love of my life. He is so funny, kind and hard working and together we have worked on my mental health and got me to a place where I am genuinely happy. He makes me feel safe, he loves cuddles and wants to spend time with me. And most importantly he makes me happy.
The only thing is we are not compatible sexually. He doesn’t particularly like sex (or so it seems). He could go months and months without it and unfortunately, I can’t. When we do have it, it’s pretty plain, I do stuff to him and then does stuff to me and that’s it. It can be quite robotic. We are only ever in bed when we do it and sometimes it can feel very forced, like I know he is just going through the motions to get it over and done with.
What hurts me is that he has never initiated sex. Or if he has, its because he feels bad because he knows how much I want it and he’s turned me down previously.
He’s never once undressed me or taken off my underwear. We’ve never had sex outside of the bedroom and I’ve never felt like he has actually wanted it. He’s gone down on me once because I’ve asked but thats it and I know he hated it.
9 times out of 10 it is me kissing him and stroking his body and pushing myself up against him, hoping to show him I’m in the mood, but he doesn’t seem interested. He doesn’t say anything, he just goes a bit rigid and I know he is feeling uncomfortable so I stop. I feel so lonely when this happens and it makes me feel ashamed of myself and my body. He doesn’t mention anything, just acts as rhough im not actively coming on to him. It’s so mortifying.
I tell him I like my neck being played with and kissed but he never does it. We’ve only ever really done missionary and in the early days i would get on top but I don’t think he liked it and now I’m so self conscious that im too nervous to suggest any other positions. He will accept blow Jobs from me and will seem to enjoy them but he won’t return the favour or do nice things to me, he just ends up getting pleasured and I don’t and then we go to sleep and I will cry.
I would say I have a high sex drive and would love to have sex a few times a week. I would love to be adventurous and use toys and have my neck held during sex, and try different positions but to be honest i can deal without that, because in all honestly I just want to make love to him. When I get turned on, I just want him and his body and I want to do stuff to him that only I can do. I would love to hear him moan my name during sex or tell me how hot I am. I will often say “I love you” out loud whilst he is in me and it breaks my heart when he doesn’t say it back. Like, it physically hurts me. A lot of the time I am holding back tears during sex.
I have brought it up a few times and he says he will change and get better but nothing happens. Sometimes I know he tries and we might have sex once but that’s kind of it. He says he doesn’t need sex the way I do and he does enjoy it. He also says that our relationship is more than sex and the fact he loves me is just as important than intimacy.
I guess I just want to feel wanted sexually. I want someone to want to undress me and want to be inside me, and I want to look him in the eyes whilst we have sex and for him to know that I only ever want him. I want to hear him moan and I want to be completely vulnerable with someone. I want to be called sexy. I want to feel sexy.
Ive had some fun sex in the past and I miss fucking, and I used to be good at it! I miss being undressed the moment I walk through the door, I miss waking up in the night to a boyfriend getting inside of me. I miss being told how sexy and fuckable I am. I miss coming up with new positions and having sex during lunch breaks. I miss being creative.
But mostly I also miss making love to someone.
I guess I just want him to want me in that way.
I’m fed up of feeling repulsive and it just makes my heart hurt.
I want my boyfriend to want to have sex and I want him to enjoy it. I want him to want me to way I want him.
I feel lonely and I also deserve a lot for putting up with this.
I’m not sure what my point is. I will always want to be with him, he is my eveyerhing but im fed up of feeling so hurt and crying nyself to sleep.
Do you think things can change? Is he asexual? Is this more normal than I think?
What do you guys think?
4 comments
some people are not always worried about sex, that is how it was in my last relationship. my old girl wanted to have sex all the time and it wasn’t my thing because i worked a lot and sometimes just wanted to come home and chill.
she get mad but then understood when i explained it to her and i feel you too because i want to make sure everyone in the relationship is happy when im in one.
>He says he doesn’t need sex the way I do and he does enjoy it. He also says that our relationship is more than sex and the fact he loves me is just as important than intimacy.
If he says that, you should accept it and try and find common ground. The fact that he’s not returning favours is something that I’d be worried about, but maybe he’s scared. If you are planning your future with him, you both have to open up. If he’s blocked from talking about it, you should create a safe environment and it probably won’t just work after the first conversation.
Some people like spontaneous sex, like you seem to, some need the build up. Some people would rather give pleasure than receive it, some people are just so blocked emotionally that the very thought of sex is turning them off.
The point is, you both have to want to fix it. If he doesn’t know you’re crying after he rejects you it means that either you are very good at hiding it or he’s not very good at noticing you. Either way – communication is key. Put things as they are. And actually think to yourself – are you able to be in such a relationship long term? Does he want to be with you long term? If he does, he will come forth and have these conversations with you.
And maybe the idea of undressing you seems great, but start small. You want him to say ‘i love you’ back? Tell him that, even during sex. (Preferably before). Tell him what to do during sex. Maybe he’s scared/clueless on how to give pleasure. Some people are blocked by this fear.
There’s always some aspect in the relationship that doesn’t work. If it’s just sex and the communication between you two is great otherwise, you both will want to make it work and both will find a way forward. If that’s not only sex, but also communication … I don’t have much advice on that, I’d be running away from such a relationship. Life’s too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t want to make you happy.
Get a new boyfriend now or a new one later. This won’t go away for a long time if ever.
I hate to break it to you but, it sounds like you two are actually just good friends.