WHY DO I STRUGGLE TO BE NORMAL AND OUTGOING

37 comments

1. Yeah I feel you. It’s always so awkward when I pass by someone I’m somewhat acquainted with, they greet and I’m just so managing (after a way to long time of thinking if I know the person, if so where from and am I sure it is actually this person) so push out a somewhat strangled sounding “hi”.

2. Normal is relative.

3. Fake it till you make it. Observe the actions of others and see what they can get away with, it’s likely you’ll be able to, too. Remember no one knows your true character until you reveal it to them. They might see you at the library often and assume you’re into books… you could be having a seizure to some unique beats and they might think you’re a FUUUUUN TIME, Party lad!! Point is, just act as you want to act, Boone cares and you realize this pretty quickly. Just have to break it in first. An underrated activity that helps with this is going on walks… it’s great for confidence in health, stride and socializing.

4. from me I would say, am not very talkative, small talk kind of doesn’t do it for me. you can try by saying hi to like a shop keeper where you go shopping, or say hi to like the fuel attendant. I always do this as a sign of being polite and friendly but I say nothing else afterwards unless the other person communicates.

5. Ngl homie, I’m literally in the exact same boat lol. We need to keep in touch and compare notes as we progress. Apes together strong 🙂

6. I have the same problem 😭😂 I’ll literally see someone I know and literally turn my head the other way to pretend I don’t see them no matter how close in distance we are 💀 It’s something uncontrollable I think it has to do with how awkward I think I am or just anxiety. I’ve wanted to take steps on helping me be confident out in public but I get to anxious 😥

7. You have to start thinking of yourself as “that person” who does that. The person who initiates, the person who has a smile and an enthusiastic greeting for everyone, that person who goes out of their way to be friendly.

   The place to practice this is with every single interaction you have that is ‘automatic.’ With people like: grocery cashiers, coffee servers, bank tellers, dry cleaners, store clerks, restaurant servers, gym attendants etc. Once you get used to “going big” and being present and interactive in those smaller interactions, it becomes first a skill, then a superpower.

   Once you reach that point, it’s time to take it to your social life. I picture those barriers as an imaginary thin piece of ice. You put your shoulder to it and BUST ON THROUGH with a big smile, a positive attitude and an energetic greeting. Be That Guy.

   Here’s an article I wrote that covers some of this:

   ###[Confidence: How To Get It If You Don’t Have It](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/10x82xu/confidence_how_to_get_it_if_you_dont_have_it/)

8. Work out hard. Get the adrenaline going, that will help you relax a lot more lol. Then look up and say hi or just nod at them. Also, don’t be so down on yourself! I have a habit of saying hi to everyone at this point and I still cower sometimes lol.

9. Like some of the other replies, I think that our personal narratives about who we are and how we behave are largely at play in these situations that feel “automatic.” I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a year, and one of the big parts of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is all about identifying these core beliefs we hold, and reframing them into more grounded, realistic versions that align with your intended identity.

   You can’t change what you’re not aware of, so you’ve already started on step 1 by identifying this pattern in your life. From here, I’d spend some time thinking about the origins of these thoughts that “I can’t approach other people” and “Other people can’t approach me.” I’d also suggest you try to re-word those thoughts in a way that is more reflective of reality, but more importantly that you STILL TRULY BELIEVE. The real work here is going to be incremental progress, trying to interrupt those automatic reactions and replace them with healthier, more balanced thoughts.

   I really want to stress that “progress” is not going to be some hidden nugget of truth that changes your world in an instant, but the steady practice of observing these patterns and training yourself NOT to identify with your automatic reactions. You WILL mess up, you’ve had a lot of time to reinforce these patterns and beliefs. This is where self-compassion is critically important, because you’ll need to foster enough self-compassion to be okay with yourself when you inevitably find yourself in these automatic reactions. A good therapist can also be immensely helpful for working through these beliefs and pointing out distortions in your patterns of thinking. A line I love from my therapist is that “It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.”

   I wish you all the best, but please remember that this is a life-long marathon, not a sprint. Give yourself some slack when you fall into old patterns, you’re human just like the rest of us. Just don’t let yourself give up on trying to change when it does happen.

10. I feel like you just described me lol. I relate to this so much.

11. Thats pretty much how you solve your problem. Just do the damn thing. Otherwise accept the awesomeness of not having to make small talk with people just because you think it’s “normal”.

12. I feel this. I really like talking to people in the right situation, but my social anxiety gets in the way so often that I usually just avoid conversations. I wish I could approach people and just start a conversation with them.

13. I do this too. I can be bubbly and fun when I’m emotionally prepared to be, but when I’m not? Fuck that! I actually tell people this: “I love you but if we’re both be-bopping through the grocery store and I spot you, I’m runnin’!” I’ve never met anyone who didn’t understand or even relate. When you’re just living your life, you’re not mentally or emotionally prepared to perform for people. And a lot of socializing is performing (not for everyone, but definitely for some of us!)

    I’ve only got a small handful of folks in my life who don’t get that ‘on’ energy, and who I might wave to if I spot them out and about. I think everyone should try to have at least a couple of those folks. But everyone else? Nope! I’m out!

    Anyway, I think this behavior is ok. Your brain is naturally setting a boundary based on a need. It’s not that you can’t socialize at all, you just don’t want to in this one way. It might be that if you force yourself, you’ll find yourself wondering why you’re so emotionally and mentally exhausted five years from now. I’d say let your brain keep its boundary, and learn to appreciate it!

14. I’ve always had this exact same problem. I’ve felt like I was unapproachable. It’s difficult for me to get over my nerves and approach people. I also am only really talkative with someone I know very well. I’m currently trying to get out more often and get into social situations that would otherwise make me extremely nervous. This is all I can really think of that could change my situation. Hang in there man, I refuse to think this kind of thing is impossible to do. I’ve wasted many years feeling hopeless. I would really hate for anyone else to do the same.

15. Hey friend, Sound like you are doing quite good socially. The issue you are talking about seems to be a believe that you have. its good to understand that even though this believe may be hard to shake, it does not have to be true. It might feel true but it probably is not true.

    Don’t be to hard on yourself. You are doing great and this is just an obstacle that you face and will clear. Nothing to be ashamed about. For some people being talkative is hard and you are good at that, everyone has their things they may improve upon if they like to.

    I would start with the smallest step you can take with approaching. And that is to ask the time from a stranger. Just once.

    If you have conquered that challenge, amazing job! We can ask another stranger. And 5 more if you feel like it. Lets continue to 10. And remember you don’t have to do this in one day, you can spread it.

    After that it could still feel a bit weird, but probably less intense as in the beginning, now we can start doing a bit more, like asking for directions. Same with asking for the time it’s about the interaction and not about the information perse.

    Then we can ask for a direction and maybe a follow up question about the neighborhood, or if they life here, etc.

    If you can come this far you pretty much got it!
    Now you just follow your own talking routine that you already got figured out.

    Hope this will help you, good luck. You got this! 🙂

16. cause you overthink it

17. I am just like that. And what I realized is that when I meet someone new I focus all of my attention on them liking me and accepting me as a potential friend…so in reality I focus on myself and how they perceive me. Which doesn’t work. This is why people start conversations with a little compliment, get the other person to talk about themselves. Listen and respond, that is the golden ticket to being liked. But also this can’t be forced, it looks weird as shit when someone is visibly trying to make you talk about you for this purpose.

18. The title got my attention.

    But its clear you care too much. You also put a lot of effort into saying you don’t, and thats dishonest, imho.

    Based on your post here as well as your post history, Please do yourself a favor and take a “hare checklist” test, and let your therapist know if you get a score over 20. I think it can really help you and I say this with all the respect and desire to help you possible.

19. No advice from me but I deal with the exact same thing, especially every day at work.

20. I’m sorta in the same situation. I switched schools this year from being online schooled for a while. I’m a sophomore in highschool and I just can’t seem to break the barrier and get to know anyone. It’s the same with youth group that I’ve been in for 2 years now. I “know” everybody but I don’t know anybody truly. I’m really fun and bubbly at home though, with my parents.

21. Same experience here and I’ll tell you you’re probably neurodivergent, particularly either autistic or AuADHD (autistic + ADHD).

    After reading about these two for hundreds of hours and looking back at my own life, I realize now that if I see another neurodivergent person, I don’t hesitate to walk up and talk to them, but with everyone else, I avoid interaction as much as I can. It sounds like it’s our neurotype’s way of avoiding spending excess energy, stress, and minimizing the possibility of uncomfortable moments.

22. Same honestly. It’s like I don’t have the energy to say hi or I think that they wouldn’t want to say hi so I don’t say hi or acknowledge them. Maybe not verbally say hi but just nod or smile depending on who it is.

23. I know how you feel, but in all honesty it’s in your head. Just as it is in mine aswell. I’m 25 and still need to learn to approach women and make friends. One thing that kinda helped me I noticed is to keep the convo going even when you feel “awkward”. There’s only one way to do it and that’s practice. Practice may not make perfect but it does make improvement so just step out and attempt to talk to people.

    I like to just go to people and say “How’s your day going?” you really don’t even have to care how their days going sometimes people say the most interesting shit just from that which leads to really interesting convo.

24. Haha I’m a woman and used to do this all the time! (Walk and avoid acquaintances). I’m an introvert and die inside a little every time I have to make small talk. It’s so unnatural to me!

    Being an extrovert isn’t more natural than being and introvert. It’s just extroverts are so loud that people notice them more so it seem normal because they are out there being talkative and charismatic and sometimes in your face….

    I can talk for hours, but only with those I have a deeper bond with (or those extroverts that break the ice really well). But even if I’ve had amazing conversations with someone, unless we’ve chatted SEVERAL times I will likely still not approach them even after having amazing conversations. I just default to assuming I’m not interesting enough to bother them.

    You and I differ mostly in that people approach me all the time. I must have the open/ sympathetic or empathetic energy that draws people to me.

    You’re ok just the way you are.

25. I have a very similar struggle right now! I am actually reading a book right now that I’m finding really helpful! It’s not a self-help book, it’s very funny, but also has some helpful facts too! It’s called Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come by Jessica Pan. Maybe check if your library has it and give it a read. It’s honestly helping me quite a bit 🙂

26. If you have severe social anxiety like I did, this might help:

    Visualize a fountain of love above the person you’re going to talk to’s head, and imagine the words you say are going to cause this fountain of love to pour on them. Rather than focus on the fear that rises in your chest of “oh no, how are they going to respond” focus on the fountain of love over their head.

    Memorize:
    -where are you from?
    -where did you grow up?
    -what do you like to do for fun?
    -what type of movies/tv shows/books/music do you like
    -what have you been up to

    additionally memorize:
    -what’s been the best part of your day so far
    -what’s been the worst part of your day so far
    -what’d you have for breakfast/lunch/dinner

    (You can use the last 4 everyday.)

    Treat additional questions as a chance to be creative. You can monkey branch off of memorized questions and brainstorm up new questions in relation to those.

    Contribute information about yourself as well, and give compliments.

    ——–

    (The reason you use memorized questions is because you don’t want to spend a bunch of energy figuring out what to say – you want to have questions ready to fire off.

    If you have mixed feelings about the phoniness or insincerity of using memorized questions, realize the fact you care how the other person will respond means the questions aren’t insincere.)

    Treat everyone as a friend, and don’t put them on a pedestal.

27. Same here, i can resonate with everything you say. I’ve been trying to approach people more though (or when i can) for example when i was at the gym i saw this guy whom i knew from school and i just randomly went up to him and told him he was looking big and he should keep up whatever he’s doing, afterward i felt quite accomplished that i done something like that as i got out of my comfort zone. It can be hard though, but i guess we have to get out of our comfort zones

28. I had this problem till I was 22. I was quite neurotic. Take a personality test and be honest as possible (harder for neurotic people) with yourself and your answers. Then look for ways to reduce your neuroticism through relaxation exercises like meditation or breathing, therapy to talk out emotions, and maybe some CBT depending on the route of your problem.

    My advice is to speak to a psychologist rather than a therapist and preferably one that specialises in neuroticism.

    My life has changed since I reduced neuroticism to normal levels. It can be done, it’s difficult and takes months but it’s worth it.

    I finally became the guy in my head I always knew I could be and ever since I feel like I’ve been living life on easy mode.

    Girls, guys and every family relationship in my life is infinitely better. I’m the funny, charismatic guy I always felt was beneath the image I unwantingly presented in public.

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30. You really don’t have to overcome this even. Work on accepting or realizing that being socially awkward or anxious is a trait that is allowed to exist and still allows you to have a qualitative social life. I know it can be sooo f*ing frustrating. I thought for a long time that only being outgoing with close friends and unable to approach someone else was something I needed to overcome to be happy. Owning it and seeing the humor in it, was a total game changer to me.
    Being able to laugh with awkward interactions or situations, made me accept myself a lot more and maintain confidence when I’m in a certain situation. It made me feel more comfortable and look more approachable.
    I know how cringing it can feel, looking back at moments where anxiety was interfering and you had no idea what to say/do/think and wanted to rather die than stay there while your face goes from red to darkpurple… But telling my friends it happened again and what awkward things I did this time that made it 100x worse, is actually relieving.

31. Read Susan Cain’s book, Quiet. Normal doesn’t necessarily equal outgoing.

32. I’ve always struggled to be outgoing and have the exact same “short circuit” feeling when passing a co-worker in the hallway that I could easily say a bubbly “hi” to. But I don’t, and then I kick myself (metaphorically) for being antisocial when I like said co-worker just fine as an acquaintance.
    After 30 years of life I finally recently realized that I was literally taught as a child that all strangers were potentially dangerous to my physical safely…and I mean, this unspoken idea pervaded our home long past the typical age 5 or 6 when you tell kids “don’t talk to strangers”… and for me, personally, that’s a big part of why I turned out shy. I was raised to be anxious around strangers and I still subconsciously hold onto that. Now, that may not apply to you at all! Or it may give you a nugget of insight. IDK, just sharing it in case it’s worth anything for your journey.

33. I won’t waste your time

    Do not make yourself normal, you will have nothing special to show, especially to the opposite sex. There will be no reason for THEM to approach YOU.

    Try to instead stand out and be better than the average, and you will find results

    It just takes time, but do never give up.

    Make yourself approachable and desirable.

    Start with body language, also learn how to listen, you don’t really have to do all the talk in a convo.

    Hit the gym if you didn’t, i want you to completely stand out bro. It will help a lot, even with confidence.

    If you are a teen, start making money online bro.

34. Im the same way if that makes you feel better but a girl version. Not sure if this is the best advice but I have a couple drinks so I feel a bit more confident in myself when I’m in a social situation.

35. Hey man I was that same person. I see someone I knew I the hallways and immediately look down. I used to think “if they’re cool with me they’ll probably say hi or something”. They end up not saying hi because they could probably see my unwelcoming body language. Just because they didn’t say wassup doesn’t mean they didn’t like or hated me. Sometimes you just gotta be the one to say hi.

    You’d think its you that caused it but truly everybody does that to an extent. Just look at them with a welcoming face and be the one to say wassup. Even if they weren’t planning to say hi to you, if they’re really your friend or they’re cool with you then they will say hi back. With a smile too.

    I still have to fully live by these words but once you realize that people are too focused on themselves, it’ll help you stop caring about what people think. Also that embarrassing oopsy daisy moment you had, no one will remember it when they’re laying on their bed about to sleep. They will forget about it.

36. Yeah, I had a very similar problem. Still have it from time to time.
    At the moment I am not really trying to get better at approaching people, I am focusing on the being approached part.
    In my case there are some deeper issues, poor self-perception, negativity. I am in therapy and trying to be around people to practice.

37. Are you able to practice somehow someway maybe like your best friend can help you role-play and you guys go in public somewhere then he’s walking in your direction … you are pretending like he doesn’t know you’re there and vice versa; but you both know it’s going to happen. You just both wave say hi or hey what’s up or something…. another option would be exposure based therapy. If you’re looking to maybe get some help and a more private personal kind of setting that can help you much more than I know I can with advice wise because this is something that they’re trained for, I totally understand though cause I have a hard time speaking up to people in public. I have really bad social anxiety.. I’m a little bit older now and I have learned that you just have to just have to put yourself out there. Otherwise you’re just gonna not put yourself out there but if you don’t, you know you will not meet many new people but you still have some close friends , so try to think of that I’m sure all your friends understand. Thinking of you and I hope you get this figured out.