My parents hosted a dinner party tonight at their house. After a few drinks and about 15 rounds of Cards Against Humanity, my mom punched me in the arm in response to a very light hearted and obvious joke. And not a light-goofy “ha ha” fake punch, but a full-on rear-back punch.
My brother (21M) had said that my mom was old because she used an older slang term to understand one of the cards after we explained it to her. I could tell she didn’t like that joke so to take the incoming heat off of him I said “Yeah like earlier when I said she was born in 1968.” Which was a joke I had made earlier in the night, because it’s VERY obvious that my mom was not born in ‘68, she looks younger than her age. The first time I made the joke she laughed, wasn’t hurt or offended by it at all, & I am very in-tune with my moms emotions. After the repeat of my joke, she turned, looked at me, & punched my left arm. And laughed. I’m unsure if I made a face or a wincing noise but my brother, even in front of his very new girlfriend he brought for us all to meet, asked “are you okay? That looked like it hurt.” And he usually doesn’t say anything during confrontations. I responded with “yeah it did, I didn’t like that.” And our moms immediate response was “then grab your kids and get out of my house”. So that’s exactly what me & my husband did. My brother & his new girlfriend also left, not angrily but they did leave at the same time as us.
Am I wrong for being upset over this? In my opinion she could have had a completely different reaction to me saying “I didn’t like that” and all would be well in the world. Maybe I am being dramatic for this because my ex used to physically & emotionally abuse me. The second I saw her pull back her fist, it was a very old but familiar fear I felt. And the sting of a punch really brought back old emotions. Once we got back home & I was trying to rock our 7 week old to sleep, it all hit me at once. And I just sobbed. The old pain, fear, & humiliation that I thought I’d never feel again came flooding back. Now my family knows I was abused, years ago when I was still with him I filed a police report after he left bruises from choking me and I lived with them for a few weeks. But they don’t know the full extent of what he did or my life was like. So maybe she didn’t realize it would bring these emotions up?
I would also like to say that this is by far not the only time she has done this to me or anyone else for that matter. She’s punched me in the arm a few times before, stabbed and scratched me with a pen while in a moving vehicle, thrown things. I have said something once before about these physical altercations and she made fun of me. Also, all of this is fairly new. The past 2ish years, after me and my abuser finally split.
What do I do now? Do I apologize? Am I wrong for being upset? Am I being dramatic over all of this? What do I say to her now?
Please help. It’s hard for me to think clearly for myself right now.
35 comments
No, you are not overreacting. Honestly it sounds like your mom sucks. How can your own mother think it’s okay to make fun of your abuse and trauma? That was all I needed to read to know that she is trash. I would put some distance between the two of you. You’ll probably find out that you feel better not being around her toxicity.
You’re not the one that should be apologizing. Stay away from her. I wouldn’t even speak to her unless she genuinely apologized and promised never to hit you again. I’d never trust her to be around the kids in case she decided to do the same things to them.
You have nothing to apologize for. Your mother has some major anger issues maybe driven by alcohol abuse. Punching anyone is not ok. I would not bring my 7 week old baby around someone who thinks this is acceptable behavior
Your Mother is abusive. I would cut her out of your life and not let her around your children. God forbid she acts like that with your kids!
You’re mother’s abusive and she assaulted you, a new mom with a 7-week old. She’s toxic. Don’t you dare apologize because you have nothing to be sorry about. You made a light-hearted joke and her reaction was horrible. It seems you are far too used to be abused by others and I’m so sorry you feel like that. You did not deserve that from your mother, just like you didn’t from your ex.
There was no excuse for your mother assaulting you. Cut contact with her for at least several weeks. She needs consequences for her abuse of you. SHE is the one to apologize.
Stay away from her until she apologizes. If you accept her apology, make it very clear to her you won’t accept it if it ever happens again.
You know who uses violence to solve problems? Toddlers. Everyone else has learned to use words, like you did. Fuck your stupid shitty mom. Cut her off.
She will do this to your kids.
I’m so sorry, but this is not remotely normal or acceptable. She has been physically violent with you multiple times. Completely appalling behavior, regardless of your past trauma (but certainly worse because of it.) Your reaction to it was totally appropriate and you need to take action to distance yourself from her immediately.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even allow her a chance to apologize/explain/justify her actions until you’ve taken some time to gather yourself. Have your brother or husband tell her that you are temporarily going no contact and get yourself to a counselor or therapist to help you process all of this. Seven weeks postpartum, you are in a very vulnerable state and you need to protect yourself.
Be sure the message that you’re *temporarily* going no contact comes with the caveat that if she attempts to break that boundary **at all**, the time period will extend or become permanent. Do this not only for yourself, but for your husband and children. They need you to be safe and emotionally secure/stable right now. Your family is your top priority, not your mother’s pride or feelings.
Best of luck to you, and congrats on your new addition!
> she turned, looked at me, & punched my left arm. And laughed. I’m unsure if I made a face or a wincing noise but my brother, even in front of his very new girlfriend he brought for us all to meet, asked “are you okay? That looked like it hurt.” And he usually doesn’t say anything during confrontations. I responded with “yeah it did, I didn’t like that.” And our moms immediate response was “then grab your kids and get out of my house”. So that’s exactly what me & my husband did. My brother & his new girlfriend also left, not angrily but they did leave at the same time as us.
Even barring your previous history, the above scenario gives you no reason to apologize. Your mother hit you! Hard. Enough for your brother to notice and be uncomfortable. Then, as you “didn’t like it,” you were told to leave.
Your mother is the one who should apologize. She has anger issues and you are not wrong, dramatic or anything else.
I would definitely distance myself and my family from her, she’s shown that you can’t feel safe around her. Further, I would tell her that if the topic comes up. That’s definitely not the type of modeling you want in front of your kids.
> I would also like to say that this is by far not the only time she has done this to me or anyone else for that matter. **She’s punched me in the arm a few times before**, stabbed and scratched me with a pen while in a moving vehicle, thrown things. I have said something once before about these physical altercations and she made fun of me. **Also, all of this is fairly new. The past 2ish years, after me and my abuser finally split**.
I don’t know what to make of this but it’s not right, something’s really wrong here.
Who else does your mother hit?
Whoa whoa whoa, you wonder if YOU should apologize…? Because you got punched…? Punched…? By your MOTHER…? No, hon. And it sounds like your fam has your back.
Your mother assaulted you! She should apologize at least. It’s never ok to hit another person. Don’t let her get away with it. If she wasn’t happy she can use her words like any other rational adult.
I’m so sorry, love. You didn’t do anything wrong at all. Your mom is physically abusive.
You need to keep your kids away from her.
She is physically abusive.
Do *not* apologise. Keep her away from your family. Do not show your children that this is acceptable behaviour to go back to.
Get a restraining order.
I would stop speaking to her tbh, she’s abusive and she has no problem doing this in front of your family and kids.
Dude. None of this is okay. She hit you multiple times before.
It’s not okay to punch people you are supposed to care about for sayig something you don’t like. It’s a fair boundary to say that you will not tolerate being hit or made fun of because you refuse to accept being hit – by anyone for any reason.
Don’t apologize, you’ve done nothing that warrants an apology. You can tell her that you didn’t think she was sensitive about her age, and you won’t comment on it in future, but you will not tolerate being hit, and you expect her keep her hands off of you, no matter how angry she gets. This is the 21st century, not the stone age.
Otherwise, you just won’t be around her.
Don’t apologise. It was enough for your brother, who you said is usually non-confrontational, to speak up. If she wishes to react the way she did, that’s a her problem, not a you problem.
Once she reaches out again, set boundaries. If she laughs at or dismisses them, cut her out. Go very low contact until you feel comfortable she understands where you’re coming from.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. Your mom is so wrong for treating you that way, and you are not overreacting, and it’s not normal or ok. You don’t deserve to be hit, stabbed, scratched, or made to feel unsafe. If you don’t have a counselor please reach out to one. Take a break from your mom. You don’t owe her your time, loyalty, silence, complicity, or forgiveness. You owe yourself and your children a future without familial violence.
You’re not overreacting. Since she has a history of doing this, expect this behavior not to change and act accordingly. If it were me, I’d completely cut her out of my life. No one has the right to abuse you or your family, and you don’t want to normalize abuse in front of your family. She told you to get out. Take her up on that offer and get out completely.
Sweetie, your mom is abusive. You said this isn’t an isolated incident and she did this in front of children? Does she do this to your sibling or other family members as well or just you? Regardless, I think I would be taking a pause on spending any time with her. And if she in unwilling to apologize and promise to never go that again, I think I would consider making the pause more permanent.
You are, if anything, under reacting. I’m so sorry that your mom has raised you in a way that you are questioning whether or not physical abuse is a reason to be upset. If you are able to, I highly recommend going low to no contact with your mom for a long while.
Please read and believe the following OP: no one EVER is allowed to physically hurt you in any way.
If you instigated an altercation by physically attacking someone that would be different.
However from your post physically hurting you seems to be your mother’s go to response when she is unhappy with you or a situation.
As other posters have noted you should seriously consider taking an extended break from any communication with your mother. I’d suggest you go so far as to actually block her in anyway she can communicate with you. Then stay that way for as long as you need until you feel safe in having any interaction with her. If that means NC forever then so be it.
It also means no contact with your children.
I suspect your mother or someone else would possibly reach out saying how cruel it is to prevent your mother from being in her grandchildren’s lives. My thought is if she is willing to still physically hurt you how much more likely is it that she would physically hurt your children if she perceived whatever they did as disrespecting her? Do you really want to take a chance to find out? Seeing a toddler or young child with a split lip or a bruise in the shape of a hand or fist from being smacked hard by an adult is not a pleasant sight and you won’t ever forget seeing it.
If your children are old enough to ask why they aren’t seeing your mother age appropriate response along the lines of grandma is getting a time out for hitting mommy. Especially if your kids saw it. And don’t fool yourself into thinking if they are over the age of 3 they don’t know – they know way more than people think.
Coordinate with your husband to be sure he is aware. Also to let him know she may try to get to you or your kids through him.
If your mother physically shows up at your house do not allow her inside if you are alone. Don’t open the door and text her now is not a good time. And when you do meet with her always have your phone fully charged and recording in case needed.
One last thing. If you leave your exterior doors unlocked when you are home please start locking them. The last thing you want to do is have your mother or anyone else waltzing into your home.
Abused children sometimes tend to unknowingly seek out and date/marry abusers. Your mother was/is abusive to you. Your ex was abusive. It’s a common pattern. (Hopefully you broke that pattern with your current husband.) Throwing things, stabbing with objects and arm punching is ABUSE. You are understandably behaving like an abuse victim where you feel it’s your fault. It’s not. I highly recommend you get therapy. Go No or low contact until you do.
You don’t want your children to see this kind of stuff. I’d keep them away from her.
Your mother groomed you for the abuse you suffered. Next time she hits you, leave immediately. Say to your kids, “we don’t tolerate hitting” and just leave.
Your mum is escalating, and I’m sure you are familiar with the way abusers start small to see how much you will tolerate before increasing the level and frequency of attacks.
That your mother took over physically abusing you after you got away from your ex is horrifying. The best guess I have as to why she began assaulting you 2 years ago is because she felt like she could. She knew you had taken it before so she thinks she has power over you and you won’t fight back or make her stop.
I think you have to consider that a woman who is free with her fists and has an unpredictable temper is not a person you should spend time with, or allow around your children. Do you want your children to witness you being punched, scratched and stabbed? Will she hurt them one day?
Draw your line in the sand now. You can’t change a person – not to say people can’t change, but they have to want to. You can however take yourself out of this equation. She can’t punch you again if she never sees you again.
>Do I apologize?
Of course not. SHE HIT YOU.
Time to take a break from your mom. She punched you, don’t let an abuser near your children!
Do you want her to abuse your kids too. Go NC with this POS and for the love of Dwayne The Rock Johnson starts pressing charges on her ass. She is literally assaulting you and in front of your children no less, and you are thinking you need to be the sorry one? You need therapy, like yesterday.
Don’t apologize. Her being physical with you is not ok and your brother recognized it for what it was and called it out. She didn’t like the joke that’s fine but it does not allow her to punch you hard. She has no right to put her hand on you in anger. Also sounds like this is a new pattern. What if she did this to your kids? She is not a safe person to be around.
You do not apologize. Keep some distance from your mother and cool off. You’ll realize you have no fault.
From what you write your mother IS physically abusive. This should stop, you don’t want that for yourself and you don’t want your children to be involved.
Could it be that she has normalised abuse for you? It sounds like you have to stay away for the sake of your own kids and partner. And yourself, most of all. Look for resources, therapy or other things, to address these patterns. Do not go back. Do not normalise. Look at grey rocking.
Is this started in the past two years she needs to be checked for dementia immediately
This is the behavior of a narcissist. Loves dishing it out, can’t take any of it back. And what you said was harmless. She’s making light of your real and terrible abuse and trauma.
> She’s punched me in the arm a few times before, stabbed and scratched me with a pen while in a moving vehicle, thrown things. I have said something once before about these physical altercations and she made fun of me. Also, all of this is fairly new. The past 2ish years, after me and my abuser finally split.
Someone like this doesn’t deserve to have a part in your life. It doesn’t matter if this is new behavior, the point is it’s happening and she is not taking responsibility or even apologizing for the behavior. They will not change and they will harm your kids in the future.