Hello folks, help me out please.
Me and wife, both 32 years old, met in college 6 years ago. Fell in love and been married for 3 years now. Lately, for the last year, the romance seems to be fizziling out.
1. We don’t have things to talk about. Dinner dates feel like a chore and an inconvenience to both of us.
2. She has an extremely hectic job. The job is affecting her physical & mental health. I have been supportive and I respect her ambition. She also realises that the job is sucking the joy out of her but continues to persist. She believes that we might plan a baby soon, and moving to a new employer and taking maternity leave within a year won’t be the ‘right thing’ to do.
3. She has gained weight (mostly due to her work stress). I feel it might be PCOS/ hormonal. This has made her immensely conscious about her body. And has affected our life in the bedroom. Like sex once in 20 days. Personally for me, I still find her immensely sexy but she keeps on looking at her own old pictures and saying mean things to herself (look what I have become) – no matter what I say, it doesn’t help.
4. My mother never really liked her. We moved out of our house a couple of years ago. They still have a strained relationship. My mother is not the best of the human beings. I am aware about it. She visits us at times, and this further affects her mental health. I keep getting called names by my mother and how have I betrayed the family. I don’t care about it. I know what is right vs. what is wrong. But my wife feels she is responsible for ‘putting’ me in this situation. She blames herself.
5. I have requested her to see a therapist and get a personal trainer, she keeps on postponing it saying there is no time.
6. We plan fancy vacations and we go on dates, but she is routine and methodical about it. I miss my old girlfriend who used to be so happy about long morning walks in college.
7. I trust her immensely and I am 100% sure she is not cheating on me. She is a pure soul and honesty is a very important value for her.
What are some of the things I should do?Should I just let things be as it is?
I get FOMO at times – these are the best years of our lives – with baby plans in near future, and ageing parents- things might get even busier for us.
For the first time in the last 6 years, I struggle to reach her / to connect with her. We used to be in different cities, today we sleep in the same bed but I never felt so distant from her.
10 comments
You said that you requested her to see a therapist? Bro! It’s your relationship that needs the work and that’s a two person job…couples therapy as a starting point.
Move on.
Be careful about that number 7…especially since you met in college. There’s always the danger of thinking someone is today what you think they were 6 years later. Be super careful, many men have called their wife “pure soul” and woke up to something else. Not necessarily about the cheating, but in general no one is pure.
For the rest, a change in conversation might help. After that many years the communication tends to be stagnant by default. Be super honest with each other and go from there: couple therapy, new hobbies to explore together, etc.
Godspeed!
I would say it is a common theme for women when they reach 30 to start craving routine which could be deemed ‘boring’ and I would imagine it’s something to do with subconscious ‘nesting’.
In my experience there is no way to get away from that. It’s kind of needed if you have kids.
I still feel like a 20 year old mentally whereas I can tell my wife feels like a 50 year old.
This isn’t a set rule and there are always exceptions but of all the men my age I know they either adapt to having a wife who is really mature and not the same as the person they started dating.
The ones who couldn’t adapt to this divorce and get a ‘younger model’. However all they are doing is signing up for the sake shit in 10 years time.
Just one thought… if your mother is so negative to both of you, why do you tolerate her in your household?
If my mother were so disrespectful to my wife, I would never allow my mother into my household.
Do not have a child until these issues are resolved.
Point 4 alone would be a reason to get into therapy as a couple. This kind of shit can mess a lot with the way you and her view parenthood, the position from you both in regards of blame / guilt / et cetera and especially your potential children with a grandmother that pretty much hates their mother. Has this reached a level where the both of you are content with the current situation? Did you do enough regarding this yourself in your opinion? What harm did this do to you and her, now and in the past? What is her opinion about it? Does she maybe expect you to protect yourself and her from this? I certainly would if I were her…
If you say this affects her mental health… I think there is a lot more beneath the surface that needs to be faced by you both. You’d certainly need to work this through before you’d even consider children.
It will be beneficial to have a really honest and open conversation about it. Or multiple, because it is quite the subject. A therapist might be able to stimulate that and also unravel some more introspection and maybe connect the other points you mentioned.
Point 4 sticks out because it’s the easiest thing you could address that would have an impact on your relationship, and it’s also simultaneously weird that you haven’t addressed it yet.
Why do you tolerate your mom both disrespecting you and your wife? It sounds like you’re not very good a setting boundaries and it shows in your relationship with your mother as well as your relationship with your wife, and probably all of your relationships.
If you’re unable to set boundaries it will necessarily be difficult for you to advocate for yourself elsewhere.
I would demand therapy as a precondition to conceiving a child. Also, it’s ok to make a vibrant sex life a non-negotiable line in the sand, but make it clear and known before having children. Nobody should be forced to have sex, but if you’re loving, helpful, emotionally present man there should usually be a path towards mutual sexual attraction, but it takes effort and work by both people. If she’s not willing to do the work, or if despite her best efforts she just isn’t attracted to you or asexual then do NOT have children unless you are prepare to fully give up sex as a part of your life.
Raising young children is most often a libido killer so if she’s having trouble now, it’s likely to be much worse after kids. I’m 48 and have struggled with this for 15 years post children so I speak from experience.
You want to change your SO, but that doesn’t work. You can only change yourself.
The one you’ve known for the last 6 years is only a memory. Your SO is who she is today.
You can either love and accept her as she is at all times or move on.