link to previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/m8vz5y/i_22f_need_to_leave_my_partner_23m_and_need_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
On Sunday he got kicked out of our place, on Tuesday we broke up, and I just returned the engagement ring.
After wanting to leave for a year and a half, it’s done.
I was terrified he would hurt me, himself, our belongings, or our pets, but I truly feel the universe had my back on this.
The way in which he got kicked out of our shared place ensured he had all his important belongings that day, and my family was able to change the locks immediately.
He wanted to stay together, something I always say yes to, and today I said no. Today I chose myself, after 3 years of always choosing him.
I deleted the app we contact each other on, I returned the engagement ring, and I told him goodbye.
He told me everyday how less-than I was. How much I was a terrible person. He shoved me, and controlled everything about my life, through fear. And you know what? He can’t anymore.
He can’t hurt me anymore.
Does anyone have any advice about how the coming days will feel? Or tips about how to process healthily?
TLDR; I left! And I’m happy! And you can do it too! You can. Tell yourself it’s the kindest thing you will ever do for yourself.
36 comments
So very well done. I have been there so know how difficult it is. It may seem tough at times but believe me, it is so worth being on your own without someone constantly belittling, abusing and manipulating you.
Look after yourself and put your mental well-being first. You are your own person now and can define and decide how to live your life. Good luck and please reach out if you need x
Don’t leave any avenues for him to contact you. Don’t let his friends or family contact you.
You can do this!
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you.
There will be nightmares and numbness and doubts, power through. You are so much stronger than he let you believe.
Amazing news, you don’t deserve any of that BS. Can’t wait to hear about what the fresh start brings!
Time. Give it time. You’ll get right back to the swing of things after enough time passes. You’ll have to fill the void with new hobbies and maybe get out of your head for the first week and get into a show or book. Give yourself time to heal. Good luck.
Luckily for me I have never been in your position. But I can empathize and think of a few things.
First, block him on all and every digital avenue. Do not ever, and I mean EVER, open the door if you can’t see who’s on the other side. Even if you expect someone, make them call. They will understand.
Also, and I’m sorry to have to say this, act with caution when you do check if you only have an eye in your door. Might want to invest in a discreet camera outside if possible. And be wary when you leave and come back from your home – get some pepper spray and a sturdy umbrella and an alarm, or the likes. Take self defense classes, it’ll possibly make you new friends but more importantly make you feel strong and confident. Looks do matter. Walk straight and proud and somewhat angrily to tell the world there’s no messing with you.
Second, you should probably talk to a professional about how you feel about yourself and all that has happened. Here, on Reddit, you seem at least a tiny bit “oh well that happened” and I don’t think the way it comes across is entirely true. Use that professional to build yourself up.
Third: Enjoy your new life. Hang with friends, find new hobbies, read books, see films, think about art, go to the ballet, watch yet another sunset. Explore. and MAKE shit even if it’s just doodles while you’re on your phone. It’s a start and starting small is not bad. It can grow, if you want, or you find something else.
All the luck in the world to you.
Invest in a home security system! Can never be too careful.
Congratulations, I’m so proud of you!!!💖💖
Good. Dont let anyone ever treat you like that again. Ever.
You’re going to have moments where you’ll want to go back, and time will erase the bad memories but keep the good ones. Write out a list of all the bad things he did to you, said to you, put you through. Then when you’re having those “should I go back” moments, look at the list and remember how strong and brave you’ve been.
Write your feelings down now while you have clarity. Write down all the reasons you are better off without him.
Grief comes and goes in waves, and when the dust settles you might start to idealize him. By idealizing him your head will create a person who, in reality, did not exist. It’s okay to mourn a relationship, even a bad one, but it’s so so important to remember why you left so that you never find yourself back there.
This was NOT easy for you and you persevered. Good fucking job!
Dear OP,
Good for you!
Protect yourself, change locks, block him. Move if you have to.
Now… Therapy is key for recovery and growth; try to find a good therapist.
Take care!
YOU GO!!
When I said no to my ex-abusive partner, she did some dramatic stunts to try and win me back through fear. You going back to him will not help either if you – that’s what got me through that period. My other advice is watch some barbie movies and make yourself fancy dinners. You deserve it.
Don’t put a timeline on yourself for when you think you should be “past this.” You give your heart all the time it needs to feel scared, angry, betrayed, alone, sad, missing companionship, everything that comes up. Don’t judge yourself for these feelings. FOCUS on your short-term goals. Reject any self-criticism or harsh judgement you may feel for yourself. That will not help you recover.
I am proud of you.
I lived through something similar.
In the short term, take some time to process and grieve. Ensure that you’ve done everything to disentangle your life from his financially etc.
In the intermediate term, organise therapy. You may not need it yet but it’s so important to be able to reflect back on what happened so that you can avoid this situation in the future. It’s also helpful because you don’t want to be TOO hyper-vigilant when approaching new relationships.
In the long term, work on yourself. I made a list of things that I’ve always wanted to be able to do, like camping solo, changing the oil in my car, cooking more elaborate dishes (he was always the cook), sorting out my finances properly… basically anything that meant that by the time I was ready for the next relationship I would be completely and utterly independent. It ensured that when I met someone, it would be because I want a partner, rather than someone to fill a void. I didn’t want to risk entering into a codependent relationship.
These may not be relevant to you because I was 19 when I met my ex and stayed with him for 9 years. Ironically he was the codependent one.
Still, it’s been almost 3 years. I’ve never looked back and all I’ve done is improve in almost every area of my life. I finally feel ready to be in a relationship again.
Best of luck to you!
Be very careful. These next weeks can be the most dangerous. Dont be alone with him. Be cautious about your surroundings. Please take care.
>I deleted the app we contact each other on, I returned the engagement ring, and I told him goodbye.
>
What does this mean? Like WhatsApp? If so you can just block him instead.
Congratulations! You need some you time. If I were you I’d need to decompress. I’d take a little trip someplace like the mountains or a beach. Go someplace that makes you happy or hang out with some supportive friends and family.
This internet stranger is so incredibly proud of you! It will be difficult, but stay strong and some day soon you’ll be looking back on this thankful for the strength you found to pull through. And thank you for posting – you can now be an inspiration to others in similar situations.
Write a list of all the things you wanted to do but weren’t able to do because he was in the picture. Hobbies he said were dumb, friends he said he didn’t like, trips he said you couldn’t afford, etc.
Then go do them. You’re free and you now have complete control over your time. Take advantage of that.
You will need to find ways to keep yourself occupied now that he’s gone. What better way than to do all the things he wouldn’t let you do?
Don’t go on social media stay away from anything that’s going temp you to check up on him. Keep your self busy remind close friends and family that you wish not to hear about what’s his doing or anything about him.
You will grieve. You won’t want him back, but you will grieve. It’s the time you spent you together and the loss of the what could have been and it’s okay to grieve the end of the relationship and the fact that it didn’t turn out how you expected.
I journaled online a bit. I still comment about my lived experience when it’s relevant. For me, I found therapy helpful as having been in an abusive relationship, it was good to work through the trauma with someone and work on myself for a while so that I didn’t make the same mistake again. That may be helpful to you. A therapist may help you see what parts of your relationship were beneficial and what parts were detrimental and how to set appropriate boundaries and work towards having healthy and reciprocal relationships going forward.
Congratulations on getting out. Leaving and finally being free is the absolute best feeling in the world and it never gets old.
what I liked about this post is the confidence, clear headedness and bold move than being in dogma. Universe will reward you for this character!
You’ve gotten a ton of great advice.
Most importantly: do not allow any contact with him, his family, or any of his friends.
And write down how you’re feeling, or record yourself describing it, or however will be most impactful, so you can’t brush it off in a moment of weakness later.
My two cents:
When I was in your situation, I was happy for the first week or so with my decision and new found independence and all of the possibilities.
But then I hit a roadblock of feeling incredibly *alone*.
Which is understandable with leaving any long term relationship, but it’s worse when abuse and manipulation and dependency issues were a factor.
I was laying in bed and watching a movie after a fulfilling week of being free, and then it’s like a cloud settled.
I was alone. I was sleeping alone. Who could I talk to if I wanted to talk right now? It was always him. But it’s 2am. My friends are in bed, my parents are asleep…why do I suddenly feel lonely? And why am I suddenly crying at feeling lonely? I was so repulsed by his touch towards the end, why do I feel like I need someone here NOW?
…That passed. But it was scary, and it made me want to unblock him several times, because I was so used to having him be there, and I **knew** he would respond if I texted him. And that was a dangerous mistake.
Once I realized that my problem was late night loneliness, I made absolutely sure I was busy up until the moment I was ready to sleep each night.
A sleepover with girlfriends who I knew would tire me out with wine and laughing. A trip with my parents to a cabin with no reception. I downloaded a bunch of game-type apps to get obsessed over that I knew I would play until I was falling asleep with my cell phone in my hands.
…Any distraction I could find so that during the time I KNEW I would be vulnerable, I couldn’t reflect on my loneliness.
Because I didn’t want that abusive POS, I just needed to find a normal way of tucking myself into bed.
The distractions worked, and after a couple weeks, expanding my social circle, enjoying things I missed, loving myself a little again, I was able to fall asleep looking forward to things in my life, and the loneliness went away.
You got this.
Just try and identify your weaknesses as they come, and eliminate the triggers that might hurt your mental health or make you want to allow him back in.
It’s gonna feel like coming off a drug. The trauma bond is a strong one to break. Research no contact and go for it. Block him from all angles and block his friends and family too. Fill your time with anything and everything that you enjoy. Talk to people and make some new friends
I am SO happy for you. Thank you for posting here.
Be sure to go absolutely full no contact, block him on everything and everywhere. It will help so much.
Be ready for the pain to come up in funny ways and at funny times. But you know you made the right choice. The ONLY choice. If you’re not in it already, I recommend starting therapy.
Congratulations!
There will be a time in the future where you look back and think “it wasn’t that bad…”, “we had so much fun together”, and “I miss him”. It happens to everyone leaving an abusive relationship. Do not fall into the trap. You left for a reason, and if you must right down those reasons now to remind yourself in the future, then do it. Just don’t get sucked back in like so many victims do
My abusive ex jumped on the hood of my car in a flowered speedo when I left him. I hope that visual gives you a chuckle. I haven’t seen him since.
YES! We tole you. We tole you you could do it! Proud of you.
The second guessing is going to start soon, if it hasn’t already. You’ll have moments of sheer panic that you’ve made the wrong choice. All the “what if”s will come in waves.
Don’t ignore them. Instead, calmly talk yourself through why the feelings are wrong and remind yourself that this was the right and BEST decision for you.
Be gentle with yourself. It has to hurt to heal.
CONGRATS BABE!!!!!
I’m so proud of you! I know how difficult it is, but you were right to choose yourself! It will feel awkward at first, but you will slowly start feeling more and more free because you’re out of his control.
Reconnect with your friends and loved ones, reconnect with yourself, do all of the things he told you you were incapable of doing.
He sounds very manipulative and undeserving of your thoughts.
Congratulations!
Ideally try and have regular sessions with a counsellor/psychologist for a few months at least.
You need to find yourself again and building up your self esteem after abusive relationship.
You will go through all the stages of grieving, so go easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself.
You will heal.
This is the start of the rest of your life. Congratulations! Be safe and do NOT go back to him!
You know, everyone tell you, “You should leave” but no one tells you what to do afterwards.
Cool something for yourself,
Read a book,
Find a hobby.
Those three things will change your perspective. Hobbies are the most important one. It will give you people to talk to. Have someone home all the time then no one is a very trying time. Be strong.
Omg, congratulations on getting out safely, OP. I’m glad you made it. ♥️
Congratulations, and stay safe.
I just got out yesterday “officially”, and now comes the logistics of moving out, filing divorce, etc.