Hi everyone. I (23f) got broken up with almost two months ago now. My ex (23m) and I were together for six years. We had moved in together and signed another year of the tenancy. We had a couple of issues but we were working on them and we’d both agreed it was getting better. These were things like lack of quality time together, doing more outside of the flat etc. He acted like nothing was wrong until the very last moment. He texted that we should make dinner together just an hour before he left me. We spent the day with my dad the day before. We looked at buying a house not even a month before, talking about getting married etc.
When we first broke up he wanted to remain friends and support me. Now he wants me to move on, never contact him again etc. He says this is because of my behaviour post breakup which I’ll admit wasn’t good, I couldn’t stay out of contact and asked all the time for answers. I’m autistic and I struggle very much with change. No one around me can understand what happened which makes it even worse. Everyone else thought we would be forever too.
I’ve accepted this is it but I can’t help but have that little bit of hope for the future. One of the main reasons we broke up is my over dependence on him. Though I go to uni and have a job, he definitely knew a lot of my self worth came from us being together. We were very comfortable together and didn’t do many things that we both wanted to do together, and I feel so guilty now that more effort wasn’t made before he left me. Since this happened, I’ve joined the gym and go regularly, I eat a lot better, I want to do a lot of things I wasn’t interested in before (concerts, festivals, nights out, meeting new people) and I’m devastated that I couldn’t get myself into this mindset while we were still together and prevent losing him.
He’s made it really clear he wants me to move on. He won’t even keep the box of our stuff together (anniversary/valentines cards, teddies, photos, jewellery, gifts) that he told me he would keep so that I didn’t have to be hurt every time I looked at it. I also think he might be seeing someone else.
I need advice on how to fall out of love. I have days where I’m okay and then it hits me like a ton of bricks that I’ve been left behind by the person I adored more than anything. I truly never looked at my future and pictured him not being in it. I was 100% sure. Now I see that it wasn’t right for us to be together right now but I can’t let go of the idea that more effort at the right time would’ve saved it, and that maybe one day we will run into each other and I’ll be the person he wanted me to be and it will all slide back into place. The things that he wants from me are also things that I want for myself anyway – more independence, hobbies, a sense of self, to be more adventurous. I absolutely love this man with all of my heart – everything about him, and I would have accepted anyone he wanted to become in the future if I knew that our relationship was in such danger. I can’t stop looking at the past and thinking about what could’ve been different. I’m really angry with him for not communicating that he was falling out of love with me when it happened even though I know that would’ve been so hard.
I just want to move on.
Things already in place: counselling, medication dosage increased (antidepressant), new friends, new apartment, lifestyle changes, personality changes, increased independence, a great support circle.
Tl;dr: my boyfriend fell out of love with me and wants me to move on, I’m struggling because I know I could’ve done more. I am more in love with this person than I could ever describe and his loss is ruining me. I need to fall out of love.
3 comments
Unfortunately, only time can really heal you. Even then, the pain and grief you’re feeling will never go away. You just learn how to live with it. The sad days will become lesser and further apart, and when it does happen, it won’t be as bad.
Sounds like you’re doing what you can to start moving forward. Be kind with yourself. You’ll be okay.
You’re not gonna like this answer, but it’s just gonna take time. Keep your life busy, distract yourself, keep going to therapy — but the only thing that will make a big difference here is time. I would also make sure all of your pictures/things that remind you of him are out of your life, whether it’s deleted, donated, or thrown away. Holding on to those will only make it harder to move on. Good luck ❤️
You’re doing all the right things. Unfortunately it just really sucks but in time the pain will be smaller and smaller.
Rather than forcing yourself to fall out of love, I encourage you to:
1. Work on forgiving yourself for all the ways you could have behaved differently or done better or tried harder. You did what you did, but you get to learn from it and carry that wisdom into future relationships.
2. Work on letting go of the hope that you might get back together – this is really what keeps love alive. Tell yourself every day that you are both where you’re meant to be. Tell yourself every day that you choose not to love someone who doesnt want you.
I’m sorry and you will be ok.