We’ve been together for 7 years and have 1 child (3 year old). My husband just does not see the mental load I carry. He always dismisses me when I say I’m burnt out – saying he is too and he does more/just as much as I do. I don’t think it’s a competition.
He does do a good amount, I agree. He fixes things, does some general tidying, does majority of the outside work. He doesn’t do much childcare responsibilities like I do. He couldn’t even tell me the pediatricians name if I asked. He doesn’t plan any meals. He does work full time and I work part time 4 days a week (in the evening 5pm-1:30am). And he only has our son for a few hours before bed. Yet he’s burnt out on tantrum that I deal with ALL DAY. He takes on barely any emotional responsibility, like comforting our son when he’s sad. I just feel SO worn out. I’m exhausted. I hate taking on all this load and it’s not even recognized. He’s tired of me complaining about it or being in a bad mood that I have to do so much because “I do so much too”
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Welcome to my life. I easily do 85% of the work and my husband insists that he does half of everything. My ass!
could be you super exhausted from working til 130am 4 times a week? That’s pretty late to just be getting off.
I think maybe the way you talk to him about this could make a difference. His response saying he is doing more than you indicates to me that the he believes the issue you have with him is about the quantity of work he does. It seems to me the issue you have isn’t about quantity (you even said he does a good amount), it’s about the specifically the childcare aspect that you don’t feel is balanced at all.
I’m not sure how you have brought this up to him before, but my advice is to talk to him about his relationship with the child (or lack thereof) and what problems that causes or could cause in the future. When you do this, don’t focus on your burnout issue, even though I know that is what you are ultimately trying to solve. The problem with that approach is that he might feel burn out as well, so then you get into a contest about who is more burnt our or who should be, and that doesn’t go anywhere good.
So – to figure out how to address this, I need to ask you more questions to understand the impact on the child of your husband’s limited time with him. I can tell you from personal experience that my child favors me, and that started because of the very same issue you have now. I was the main person playing with her, doing the care activities and such. Even now that my husband has changed completely, she is still the same way and it frustrates him.
Since you say he doesn’t do much childcare, how is his relationship with the child? What do you think is the impact on his relationship with his son of him taking a back seat? For example, does the child favor you over him? If they get hurt, do they insist that you are the only one that they want or need? Are there specific things your child will only accept if YOU do them and not your husband? I understand 3 is just starting to be verbal, but does your child ever express a preference, like I only want Mommy, or things like this? Does your husband understand your child’s preferences, like what he likes to eat, that he doesn’t like wearing pants with pockets, or whatever preferences like that? Does his lack of understanding ever cause a problem, like he is doing something you know your son doesn’t like, or he is giving him something that he won’t eat, etc.?
It sounds like you have a husband who views his time as more important than yours and who also doesn’t see the value in your contributions to the household as equal to his financial contributions. He also doesn’t seem to particularly care about your feelings because he constantly dismisses them. It sounds to me as though he should be your *ex*-husband if couple’s therapy is not an option for him.
The Fair Play documentary on Hulu or Prime may be a helpful way to start a discussion. You can BOTH be burned out – and there may be ways that you both need support.
I’m still pregnant, but me and my husband had a conversations about me being overwhelmed before. I ultimately had to say “I’m not bringing this up to say that you do less than me. I’m bringing it up to say that I have too much on my plate right now and to ask if you can take some of it off my plate.” It changed the dynamic of the conversation for us.
When he complains about being burnt out, what do YOU say?
Kind of sounds like you are both at the end of your ropes and only seeing your side.
But like you said, it’s not a competition. So what are you actually wanting here? Him to do more? Him to say he appreciates what you do? Him to just listen?
And do you do that for him?
Is it possible you are both burned out? It is common in today’s world. Maybe the conversation opener could be “Niether of us are happy, what’s working and what isn’t in our life and how do we get to a point where both of us are able to manage with our life and child?’
I recommend each of you writing out lists of what you think the other one does and what you really do. Sometimes this helps to see the lists visually.
Playing the one up competition game is so dangerous.
Also, please download the Paired app. You each answer questions and you can’t see the others answer until you answer yourself. Some of the questions and quizzes are “do you share household tasks?” “Income vs housework” they go on in detail with further open ended questions like “in which area at home would you like more support?” “In which area at home could you contribute more?”
I love the paired app, it allows you to communicate and connect on a deeper level, and since it’s through your phone you can have those difficult conversations starting in the app and go in more depth in person if you wished!
Here’s a screenshot of some of the questions.
https://preview.redd.it/kl6rkwtavakb1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7cca0979d840ee0575c254b397d0bf73bcc1b6de
Why do you say your work part time? You are busy!
You don’t work one day in the week. That’s hardly part time. For me part time is like 20 hours or so. Than you probably make your child ready for the morning. That means you get hardly 5-6 hours of sleep daily. Because let’s be honest… I don’t know any toddler who sleeps longer than 7. After that you take care of the house and your child until your husband comes home, just so that you can run to work. He entertains the child for 3 hours max, if he has a reasonable bedtime. Your husband really has some nerves here.
You have a lot on your plate and I believe your husband knows that damn well. This isn’t substantially in the long run. You need daycare or cut the work hours. You are not a robot.
Honestly, don’t poison a marriage over who does the most chores.
Look, my wife and I are in a second marriage and we both had kids from our firsts. Our exs and us fought about this stuff all the time. Who was doing more? Who did more mental work? Who attended the most PTA meetings and who did more in the yard? And did skilled work like oil changes count for more than less skilled work like driving a child to school?
One of the crazy things about a second marriage is we don’t even talk about that stuff. Never! And it’s not just that we learned our lessons, but it’s sorta a non-issue. I mean, I don’t “help” much with my stepkids, but that’s because my wife doesn’t WANT me to help with the stepkids. She likes calling the shots and having unilateral control. But I guarantee you if my stepkids were my biokids too, she would be bitching and moaning about how little I do around the house and with the kids. She’d be livid and complaining on reddit. But in a second marriage, she just wants me to go sit down and she won’t even say she’s worn out because she doesn’t want me to try to help.
And I’m the same with my kiddo…..I do it all and really don’t want/need her help. I have it all covered and if she was my daughter biological mother, I’d be telling my wife how lazy she was and to get her ass to the soccer games if she cares.
And I know you’re situation is different, but look at some of this from my point of view before you two keep complaining at each other. Fighting about chores is so pointless. If you want his help with something, ask him to do it. If he says he’s too busy doing other things, then tell him what to cut out. And vice versa……if he thinks you’re overdoing on some aspects of parenting and making yourself miserable, he should say what that is. Can I tell you how cathartic it is to tell the PTA to eff off, lol? It’s wonderful! And forgetting the teacher’s name is great too! 🙂
It feels like the problem is that you are both competing to see who is more exhausted/who does more. My wife and I did this dance for years, and it never turned out good. Ultimately, I stopped trying to compete and started letting her know I appreciate what she does on a daily basis. Our relationship has now changed drastically. We rarely fight anymore, tbh.
One person has to break this cycle. It’s going to drive you guys insane if you keep going this way. Having two working parents is hard. Having a three year old is hard. Fighting with each other about it just makes it harder.
When you complain to him, are you venting or looking for solutions? That could be the disconnect; he thinks you’re looking for him to help but you just want acknowledgement. Him comparing workloads may be his way of saying he doesn’t have the capacity to assist you, and you’re interpreting that as him withholding recognition because you’re assuming he understands why you’re bringing this up, which he doesn’t.
I highly recommend you read or listen to Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Both of you ideally, but definitely you. It’s so well researched and so validating and so practically helpful too.
Right there with you 😩
He works twice as much as you outside the home plus helps inside the home… he can’t name the pediatrician, can you name where the 401k is held and managed?
He “only has the kid a few hours before bed” (so basically the entire time he’s home after work?) and you “handle tantrums all day” (thats what the parent at home does).
I’ve been on both sides of the equation, I was the SAHD for the first 9 years of our kids’ lives and I’ve been the primary breadwinner while my wife stays home for the last two.
It sounds less like he’s not carrying his weight and more like you’re not satisfied with what your role is. Parenting is hard, but if you’re only working full time then, yeah, you’re going to bear more of the weight of the domestic tasks. How do you solve that? Pick up more hours at work and pay for childcare… but some of those things, meal planning and whatnot will still have to get done.
Or perhaps it’s the way you’re complaining about being tired… the way my wife complains comes across as a competition every time even though she swears she doesn’t mean it that way. Maybe take a look at the way you’re expressing yourself.
I’m not saying that he’s an angel and you’re wrong on everything, but it’s much easier first step to make sure your own house is in order, so to speak, before you go around trying to fix someone else’s.
Ladies they will never ever understand the mental / physical load of being a mother and woman in this world. Period. I am a stay at home mother of 6 kids and have told my husband over our 18 years about the mental burden of knowing every appointment, celebration, where every god damn item is in the house, running everyone’s lives including making sure he checks on his health. We have children with developmental delays and mental health issues and I am the one that has been taking them to appointments, applying therapy suggestions, monitoring the situation. I love my children and decidedly take on these responsibilities but he didnt understand how being a stay at home mother is a 24/7 job that doesn’t turn off.
Even when he took a year off for paternity and I had severe health issues concurrently, he didn’t understand this. He thought it was easy because instead of helping he played video games because it was a “vacation”.
They will never get it. So either let it go or get out. It’s impossible to be a woman in this world.
Gloria’s speech from Barbie should be given to every child male and female so they comprehend just how f-ed up it is.
He probably has as big or bigger mental load than you do. As men the responsibility of caring for our families is in fact a giant mental load, it’s just that there is nothing productive in complaining about it.
Men realize from the time they are boys they *will* have responsibilities and these things *must* get done and there’s no reason to complain about it because it’s you and every other dude and our problems aren’t unique.
Do you know the plumber’s name? Your husband takes care of a ton of things you don’t even have to think about.
It’s ok to be burnt out it’s part of the human condition. But understand he’s probably just as burnt out and isn’t looking for a reason to hold resentment against you.
Sounds like you need to take a two week vacation alone!
Do we have the same husband? Haha 🙁 jokes aside, sending hugs to you. From one burn out wife (working and also a mom) to another!
This is eerily similar to my life and honestly probably similar to most married couples. We are currently in marriage counseling. It’s helping. Would your husband be open to it?
I know y’all hate it more than anything else in the entire world but ask him. Tell him you need his help and tell him where to start.
When a man has trouble, he asks for help.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for women to just say, “Hey, gimme a hand with this.”
Part time……
Your situation reminds me of my parents when I was growing up. Later in life I learned they both regretted their decisions: my mother in not communicating her frustration without complaining and my father not taking on more emotional or nurturing responsibility in raising his children. I feel it really came down to how they were raised and the dynamic and expectations passed down from their parents.
You make your husband out to sound like a decent person, just somewhat oblivious to how emotionally and physically drained you’ve been feeling about his level of involvement toward your needs. I would suggest attempting to take a more proactive approach (as opposed to reactive) when approaching your husband about you feel. For example, “I do so much” could be “How would you feel if you do (fill in the blank) for me?”. You would disable him reacting with “I do so much, too” because you’re not technically asking him to do anything, you’re gauging how he feels about helping you and opening him up to communicating about your feelings. Assuming that phrasing doesn’t go as well as you hoped, know that flipping your frustrated reaction directed toward him into asking how he feels about something you need is a strategy taught by many relationship therapists and self-help books.
I might take some time out of the house. And he gets some too, but leave him at home alone with a toddler all day. I would also ask him questions like do you know who his pediatrician is? When the next appointment is? Ask him where for dinner?
The book fair play is a good read. Maybe you can get him to read it.
I’ve been struggling with this myself. Didn’t bother me so much in the beginning but NOW… I’m at my wits end. Don’t have much advice except to say I know what you’re feeling. My husband does even less and constantly has a victim mentality with everyone. Somehow someway he’s always got it worse than anyone else. Whether it’s sleep deprivation, depression, financial hardship, etc etc. it makes me want to put my head through the wall. I shouldn’t have to tell and almost 40yo old man when the trash needs to be taken out or when the dishes need to be done. Most of the married women I’ve talked to all laugh and act like it’s no big deal and their husbands are the same. I’m back and forth about leaving him because of it. Feel free to PM if you want someone to talk to!
Came here for the “women need to give us men specific tasks” bullshit, wasn’t disappointed.
I’m carrying about 90% of the load, and I cannot stand it when I’m carrying groceries in from the car or cleaning up cat vomit from the carpet or folding laundry and my wife says from her spot on the sofa, “just let me know if you need me to help.” And then at the end of the day when I finally sit down and say, “Whew! It’s been a long day!” she gets indignant and says, “well, I *told* you to let me know if I could help with anything.”
If someone is doing the taxes or writing a report for work, you can say “let me know if I can help.” If there are dirty dishes in the sink, you don’t need to be told what to do. If you need a chore chart to remind you to do the stuff in the house that needs doing, then get some construction paper and safety scissors and *make yourself a fucking chore chart*.
Question: So are you watching your 3 year old all day then going to work until 1:30am?! What hours do you sleep? What hours does your husband get to sleep?
I tried to talk to my partner about the mental load, and he screamed back, “What about MY mental load?!” He was referring to his job because he works 12+ hour days and pays the bills. That’s incredibly taxing, I understand what he was feeling. But I was referring to *everything else!* It’s so frustrating when they don’t understand.
This may be petty but there are a LOT of tiktokers/instagram persons who talk specifically about this topic, and I started sending the videos to my husband. He constantly said that he was pulling his weight, and couldn’t understand when I argued back that he only does those things after being asked. Every job has a manager – why is that? Because recognizing and delegating tasks is a job in itself without even getting to the actual work involved with those tasks. I think it was eye opening for him and we have made a lot of progress this year.
Sounds to me like you don’t understand he has mental load as well. Either that or you think you’re more important than he is?
>He couldn’t even tell me the pediatricians name if I asked.
So, here’s one thing about a partnership that I don’t think people really consider. One of the points of a partnership (and the entire point of sharing workload) is that for some things you will take care of it 100% and he will not have to think about it. And for other things, he will take care of it 100% and you will not need to think about it. You don’t both need to do everything and be able to hold everything in your minds at all times.
>I hate taking on all this load and it’s not even recognized.
>He always dismisses me when I say I’m burnt out – saying he is too and
>I don’t think it’s a competition.
So reading what you wrote… Here’s what I see. You do indeed feel it is a competition. Not for how much you do, but for how burnt out you are. You say that you don’t feel recognized and that he dismisses you. It sounds like you’re doing the exact same thing to him. You feel you do more (which it sounds like you do) so you’re dismissive of him feeling burnt out, because as you say….
>Yet he’s burnt out on tantrum that I deal with ALL DAY
It’s clear that you’re feeling underappreciated. It is also clear that you have zero sympathy for your husband. I get it, but just how you don’t feel recognized, he doesn’t either. And it seems like it is making both of you feel like not putting forth the effort anymore.
I think you need to talk to him and tell him that you see his efforts and appreciate them, but that you feel very underappreciated when he doesn’t recognize yours. Y’all are going through it FR
You work while trying to raise kids? Thats crazy, we have one, i work my ass off to help me wife with the one we have and i told her once the kid is old enough shes not getting a job she can retire and have fun.
You poor soul, kids are hard and anyone who says different isnt doing it right, their lazy and their giving their kids a crappy start in life.
Another couple that had a kid and dont have a clue that both are tired ….
Take a break…get a sitter……life is tough with a 3 year old
That’s called being a good mother. Your child will thank you for this someday. Maybe not explicitly, but implicitly by being a well adjusted adult. Your husband might not appreciate it now, but he will someday. And if not, who cares. Your responsibility is to your child. Remember, parenting isn’t about keeping a ledger of who did what. It’s about raising a happy, confident and content child. God bless you
It isn’t that he doesn’t see it. He chooses not to do it. My son called his father out as to why he does not help with things like cleaning or helping with e.g. homework, the response given was “because your momma is here and she does it, so there is no need for me to do it.” Makes a divorce feel needed.
It sounds to me like you’re doing the same exact thing to him that you feel he’s doing to you. You’re deluding yourself into thinking you’re not trying to turn it into a competition, and then turning around and listing all of the ways that you’re turning it into a competition. I think if you started treating him like your partner instead of your adversary, you would have an easier time coming to an understanding with him.
Oops, another marriage ruined by having a kid. Maybe someday people will learn.
Stop doing it all and 1 of 2 things will happen. He will either realize how much you do and start doing more himself or your marriage will fail…if it’s the second, is this really someone you want to be married to FOREVER?
Honestly you both are burnt out. Now a days both parents get burnt out whether work or not. It’s better both of you realize this, accept this and do some ME time. Go to a spa, meet friends, have a date night, have personal hobbies etc.
Go on vacation/ visit some friends or family and him with kids for a week on his own. He’ll only get it + appreciate all u do once he gotta do it on his own 🙂