Can I stay in a relationship if the sex is awful?

18 comments

1. You have to be 100% honest to him. That’s how you solve problems in relationships. You can’t keep hiding your feelings. And be honest that if he helps you fulfill your kinks, it would turn you on more. Also, sex is about give and take, and it shouldn’t be one sided. I honestly couldn’t be with a girl if the sex was bad. That’s why I broke up with one of my ex girlfriends. Sex can be a big deal breaker for some people.

2. >the longest he can last is about 5 minutes at most but most of the he can last about 5 or 6 strokes. This is an issue for us in particular because I don’t really enjoy foreplay, I can only really orgasm from penetrative sex.

   This is a fundamental incompatibly, nothing wrong with either of you, you just are wrong for each other

3. I would say that the big thing to weigh is if you think this is something that can be fixed in some way. Like, imagine if the problem was that your BF was a smoker, and this was a really big problem for your relationship. Do you think he can quit? Do you think you can find a solution to your BF being bad in bed? I would say don’t lose all hope.

   First, you can talk to a sex therapist. You and your BF can go and talk to an expert and work together to see if this is something that can be fixed. He can talk to a doctor too. Premature ejaculation is frustrating, but it is not a rare problem; there are solutions out there. For instance, if he comes quickly the first time, can he get hard enough to go for a second round? Some guys know their bodies well enough to say ‘I’m not going to be able to last round one, so I focus on satisfying my partner during round two’. There are also things like medication or numbing creams that might help.

   Second, are there other things he can do to satisfy you aside from piv? This might sound obvious, but the sex doesn’t have to stop just because he came. He can eat you out or finger you or even use a strap-on to make sure that you get an orgasm!

   Third, even if he isn’t super turned on by your kinks, he should still be willing to engage you with them. If you are into spanking for example, then the only reason for him to say ‘no I won’t do that’ is if it actively turns him off or freaks him out. If he just isn’t particularly turned on by spanking you… so what? **You** are turned on by it so he should be willing to exert a little extra effort to try and give you a good time.

   Because honestly, yes, sex is a fairly major factor in a healthy romantic relationship and your partner being unable or unwilling to give you the satisfaction that you need is not a totally unreasonable cause to break up. But, from what you are describing, it sounds like the sex might be more of a symptom of a larger issue rather than the root problem. Your BF should be motivated to care for you, including your sexual needs, even if it is a little difficult or uncomfortable for him to do so. We should be willing to do the occasional mildly unpleasant chore for the sole purpose of making our partner happy. If he isn’t willing to try and work with you to find compromise solutions towards making sure you have an enjoyable sex life, then that unwillingness sounds like the true deal breaker for the relationship.

   Remember, clear and honest communication is central to every happy and healthy relationship. This sounds like a problem that you can work through, but it will require both of you talking things through and working together towards finding solutions.

   Be safe, be kind, have fun!

4. > Can I stay in a relationship if the sex is awful?

   Absolutely, of course you can! But, I don’t think that’s what you’re asking; I suspect you meant to ask:

   > *Should* I stay in a relationship if the sex is awful?

   If that’s the case, then the short answer is “no,” but there are caveats.

   I don’t know how much you’ve helped, or tried to help, his issues with premature ejaculation or whether he’s seen any form of professional about the problem; if not, then the [Mayo Clinic web-site](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/premature-ejaculation/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20354905) has some suggestions that may help him to resolve the problem.

   > I just have absolutely no desire to sleep with him and It hasn’t affected me in the slightest not doing it.

   Is this purely to do with the way you expect to be unsatisfied (given his disinterest in your kinks along with the PE), or are there other aspects such as physical attraction that play into this?

   You may already be absolutely sure of your reasons, but if not: please do think about what they might be.

   > It has bothered him though and recently he opened up to me that the lack of sex was making him feel bad and he felt that I wasn’t attracted to him any more.

   Is he right in that suspicion?

   > I felt awful because I never wanted to make him feel like that so we had sex recently…Just quick silent missionary where we avoid eye contact.

   You guys don’t seem to be entirely comfortable with each other, how did you get together? What parts of the relationship do you want to save, or salvage?

5. Ultimately no is the answer as it will just eat away at you and your end up cheating

6. There’s a lot else going on here but there’s one point that I feel you might need some information on.

   In terms of length of time that sex lasts, five or six strokes is obviously exceptionally short, but 5 minutes isn’t. The average amount of time from the start of penetration to the guy climaxing is actually something around 2 minutes. I guess the only reason that makes any difference is to point out that finding someone that lasts as long as you need isn’t necessarily going to be easy.

7. > We haven’t had sex in about 10 months now, which is weird for us because before that it was very regular. I thought giving up sex would be a lot harder than it actually was. I realised that almost every time that we have had sex hasn’t been because I was really horny but because I was just doing it to please him.

   Are you declining sex or is he no longer initiating?

   Depending on the answer I think you might have a case for non monogamy. A book like “Polysecure” or “Opening Up” can talk you through a lot of it.

8. You’ll destroy him from the inside. Are you ok with that?

9. You have to talk to him about it. He knows he has premature ejaculation issues, tell him how much it’s affecting your desire for him. You guys can figure stuff out whether it’s medication or things you can do to slow him down or whether you’re figuring out what toys/oral you like so you cum before he even goes in at all. He might be avoiding eye contact and getting too passionate because he’s trying to last longer.

10. No one is happy in a sexless relationship unless they are asexual.

    You deserve to have what you want.

11. There are some techniques he can learn to alleviate the premature ejaculation. Sometimes you have to use them in juncture. For example, have him take low dose cialis or viagra on a daily basis with medical consultation, wear condoms, and/or masturbation one or two hours before having sex etc.

12. Is it better not having sex at all than having that bad sex sometimes? Because to me it seems that is the first decision you have to make.

13. Sex is one of the key ingredents of a successful relationship. If you two are way off in that area, it really is a deal breaker for many. You two need to communicate on what your expectations are for sex.

    I am a little puzzled though because you say that you like kinky sex and are not getting it, but you didn’t mind going 10 months without it. Are you actually craving sex at all, or you just don’t want it because it is vanilla sex you will get from him? If it is the second, then that pretty much tells you that he is not compatible for you. You will need to have a deep internal look at yourself on your sexual needs, and decide if that is something you can ignore for the rest of your life or not. Most cannot, or they ride it out for years and regret it later on.

14. Did you guys have sex a lot before the relationship started?

15. Why did you continue this relationship past the opening stages when all of these problems were revealed and you discovered that they were irreconcilable?

16. Sounds like you just described my partner to the t. Lucky I have a pass to sleep with other woman but I dread sex with him cuz he doesn’t care about what I like in bed

17. Relationships can only continue to thrive when both parties want the same things and put in the work to grow together. It seems you both have stopped trying and stopped growing. Him expressing he thinks you’re not attracted to him was an opening for you to discuss whats making you not want to have sex. Instead is seemed that you had sex with him out of guilt without solving the core issue, so of course nothing changed and you felt uncomfortable. If you want things to last with him, you have to both put everything on the table and work towards a common goal. He needs to work on pleasing you more and you need to work on speaking up and letting him know when things aren’t working. You both have to give it a concerted effort and over-communicate.

    Only you can decide whether sex is that important to you. But it clearly is to him, so be willing to tell him the raw truth.

18. I think you are incompatible in one way. Problem is it is a very significant incompatibility. You are too young to write off your sexuality. You could stay together but you shouldn’t.